Sorry for the update delay y'all. I am a busy woman. ;)

Very triggering things in this update...

I hunched over the toilet as my hands gripped the edges so tightly my knuckles were white. Tears filled my eyes as the guilt started to consume me.

My stomach was already emptied out, but here I was trying to empty it even more, remove every last drop of its contents.

It was too much.

It was all too much.

The boys would always keep a close eye on me, and the media was more nosy than normal, and it was making me sick to my stomach. It made me wish I had never even become an idol. The pressure was becoming unbearable. 

The guilt consumed me as I sat down on the grimy floor next to the toilet. Jungkook would be so upset with me to find out that I was back to where I was a month ago, despite his efforts. He didn't realize how much I genuinely wanted his words to mean something, but I knew that he was just saying what needed to be said to prevent me from making myself throw up. 

"Tae? Where are you? We're about to head down to the pool, you should come with us!" Hoseok's cheerful voice spoke in my room. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my face with my hands. 

"I'm about to get dressed, hyung. I'll be down soon." I heard his footsteps exiting my room making me breath a deep sigh of relief. 

I tucked my knees to my chest and buried my head in between my knees, letting the sobs take over my body. I wanted to end it all. I wasn't needed at all in this shitty ass world. The boys would probably be even better off without me, especially Jungkook. He would be able to live his life without constantly making sure I was okay. He would be free, just like how I would be free of the amount of pain I feel every time I breathe. 

I took a few deep breaths as the idea of removing myself from this place sounded better and better in my head. It wouldn't be the first time I thought about such a thing, and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last. 

I reached forward, opening up the cabinet under the sink, grabbing the box I had stored in the back of the cabinet. I removed the tape, my mouth growing dry as I saw the contents. It had been a while since I had seen them, felt the cool metal against my warm fingertips. 

The cool metal felt warmer as the silver was tainted with red. The white tile floor my body squished was no longer white, the bright color of my blood popping against the white, sinking into the grout that connected each tile. 

I couldn't help but smile as I felt the life being drained from my body. I was finally going to be happy. I wouldn't have to worry about letting anybody I cared about down, or letting other people control my life. 

My smile faded when I heard Jungkook's sweet voice from the other side of the door. "Tae? You've been in there for a while, is everything okay?"

By this point, I was too weak to respond. I tried to mumble, but my body wouldn't allow me. I was covered in my own blood, unable to move or speak. 

"Tae?" He knocked on the door a few times, and knocked a couple more times at my lack of a response. "Taehyung, seriously, are you okay? I know you can hear me." He jiggled the locked doorknob before sighing loudly in frustration.

"Jung...Kook..." I mumbled, barely audible and barely intelligible. 

I could hear Jungkook starting to get worried, making me want to reassure him, but by this point, I wanted him to find me and save me. I felt like he was the only person able to help save me from myself. "Taehyung, stay away from the door, I'm coming in!" 

I heard him step away from the door before I saw him barging in, the door hanging off its hinges. He gripped his shoulder in discomfort before following the blood covering the floor up to my near-lifeless body. The cuts weren't deep, there were just a lot of them, covering my thighs and my arms. 

He reached under the cabinet for some towels, quickly tying them to the best of his ability. He covered all but one of my arms, his eyebrows furrowing when he noticed all of the towels were currently soaking up my blood. He groaned and took the shirt off of his chest and wrapped it around my forearm, leaving him shirtless. I could feel my half-lidded eyes wanting to stay open to stare at his chest a bit longer. He reached forward, engulfing me in his arms. I wasn't able to move my body to hug him back, which I really wanted to do once I heard his cries. 

"God, I thought I was losing you, and I don't know how I would've l-lived if I had l-lost you, T-Tae." His crying got louder, his whole body shaking. His tears stained my shirt, reaching down to my bare skin. He was silently crying as he hugged me tightly in his grip. He didn't seem to care about my blood staining his clothes and skin, or about the fact that I couldn't wrap my arms around him in return.

"K-Kookie..." My voice was rough, probably from the sobbing earlier. 

He pulled back, cupping my cheeks with his hands. He wiped my tear stains away, a soft smile on his tear-stained face. 

"Yes, Tae?"

"I-I-I'm so so so-sorry. I failed you. I-I can't d-do t-t-this. I-I-I threw u-up a-a-again."

He shook his head and pressed my head into his chest. "It's okay, Taebear. It's hard, and you are so strong for pushing through for this long. And if you want to end it all, and you really think long and hard, and are sure that that is what you want, I'm not here to stop you. I don't want to force you into anything. Sure, I wouldn't know how to live without you in my life, but my ultimate goal is to make sure you're happy. Just let me know what you really want, and I will do everything I can to give it to you."

I was stunned into silence at his words. I cleared my throat and pulled my head back to stare at him in the eyes. His hands found their way to my cheeks once more. 

"Tae?"

"Hmm...?"

"Just know that I love you, okay? I'm not lying when I say that."

"I know you're not. And Kookie?"

This time it was his turn to hum in response. 

"What I want you to do is kiss me."

His eyes grew wide in shock as he shook his head, as if clearing his mind. "W-What?"

I giggled, feeling better from the lack of more blood loss already. "I said I want you to kiss me."

He still looked shocked, but leaned in, his hands still remaining on my cheeks. I could feel every ounce of energy I had lost re-enter my body the second our lips touched. I felt like I was on fire. His lips were pressed so gently against mine, but I could tell he wanted more just based on how the pressure of his hands on my cheeks increased ever so slightly. I smirked as I leaned in a bit more, experimenting by moving my lips on his. He hummed and moved his in response, slightly more hungry. This battle continued for another minute until Jungkook pulled back. He scratched the back of his neck nervously. 

"S-Sorry, um, we should probably get you all cleaned up, and the floor too. Do you want me to draw you a bath?"

I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip as the realization dawned on me. 

I just more-or-less made out with Jungkook. 

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Yeah, I don't know lol. I had writer's block and this was all I could come up with.