Chapter 23// Video Game Victory

One thing plagues my mind for the rest of the day.

What does Jesse want to find out? Is it about me?

Is it about Rita and Everett's relationship?

Why is everyone lying to me?

I consider this for a second, curling up further into the couch. Rita and Everett are dating secretly. I saw Rita and Jesse arguing about it in front of the party. What if they're planning something? What if Rita is asking my crush to get me off her trail, because I'm the only one who knows that she's seeing both guys? I bet she's fed Jesse lies, and I can't help but curl my fists at that thought. I'm a selfless person. In fact, I'd say that I've done a list of pretty selfless, kind things so far this year. I've been spending day after day helping Jennifer. I practically won my crush his love back, for Pete's sake! However, there's only so much hurting myself that I can do. When I feel like everyone is keeping secrets around me, I don't think I can take any more. Even my own brother is hiding something.

When Jesse and I almost kissed this morning...was that a tool too? Is everything around me a lie?

I speak to the only person that I know I can trust. My mom.

"What's the matter sweetie?" She asks, hugging me into the crook of her arm. She's back from the studio early tonight- apparently her latest project is almost complete, so she's in a great mood. She happened to stumble in on me shovelling food into my mouth and watching The Notebook earlier, which obviously alerted her that something was wrong with me. Now she's trying to coax it out of me, by giving me a hug on the couch and feeding me chocolate.

Not that I'm complaining about the latter.

My mom and I aren't close enough for me to tell her all my secrets anymore, seeing as I guess I've kind of grown out of that dependence, and I have Everett to trust instead. Yet, when I need her, my mom is always there to listen, even if it's about something petty or stupid. It's probably one of the things I love best about her: that she respects my privacy, but still cares. "I don't know what to do," I sniff, curling my legs up next to hers and leaning into her shoulder. She smells of paint, and something faintly musky but they are smells that are familiar to me, comforting even. "I feel like everyone is lying around me. Everybody has secrets. Things they haven't said."

"Who might this be about?" She murmurs, rubbing her hand down my arm comfortingly.

"Everett is a main one," I sigh, "He has a secret girlfriend that he hasn't told me about. I think it is Rita Hall. She's one of the girls I've recently made friends with...and she's also the girl that Jesse likes." I groan and take another mouthful of chocolate. "See what I mean? It's a mess."

"I can imagine it's hard," Mom nods, "You're a very open book, my girl, but other people aren't quite as welcoming as you are. Everett is in a difficult stage in his life. I'm sure he has a reason for not telling you; he tells you everything! If he hasn't said anything, then he probably just likes this girl a little more than usual. That's enough to scare a boy this age a hell of a lot." I can't help but sigh as I hear this. That sounds an awful lot like something my brother would do. Scared of commitment.

"It's not just that though," I sniff, "You know I like Jesse, well..."I glance at my mom. Should a daughter be telling her mother this? Ah screw it: I need to get everything off my chest, "Well we almost kissed this morning. I think we would've if it wasn't for a cashier. I didn't know what to do afterwards, because I'd been told by Rita that the pair were going on a date in the afternoon, so I ran. Turns out, Rita and Jesse didn't go on a date after all. They were at some kind of meeting," I spit the word out viciously. "They were talking about me...about how Rita lied to me."

"It wasn't a date?" Mom frowns, "How do you know that?"

"Well me, Ben and Everett kind of spied on them..."

Mom gives me a condescending look. "Continue."

"Well, how should I act around Jesse?" I bite my lip. "I don't know whether I should be angry or happy. Angry because well, he's up to something. Happy because he tried to kiss me and he wasn't going on a date like I first thought." Am I just over-analysing this? Were Jesse and Rita just going to the café as friends? Maybe Rita told me it was a date because she wants to be more than friends.

Maybe Jesse doesn't want that anymore. Is that why he leaned in?

"I wouldn't be angry at Jesse for almost kissing you, seeing as it wasn't a date," Mom advises, "But if they're going to lie to you about things then maybe it's time for you to be straight with them. Tell them you know that they're up to something. Tell Everett too. It's time that everybody is upfront with you." She leans closer, and kisses me on top of the head. "Face your obstacles. If they knock you down, you get back up again." That saying reminds me of the tattoo Jesse has on his ribs: of the eagle. When it rains, most birds fly to shelter. The eagle is the only bird that flies above the rain. The thought of that makes me smile. I think I know what I need to do.

It's time I quit whatever this toxic thing is altogether. If Rita is finding out things about me, then I'm going to have to be incredibly careful about what she asks me and what I say to her. And I need to confirm with Jesse that I am not helping him anymore. I don't want anything to do with building their relationship anymore. It's up for them to do.

As for me? I'm going to find out whether Jesse likes me, or whether I'm getting my hopes up for nothing.

He had to have leaned in for a reason right?

Unless it was to slip a tiny robot probe into my mouth to track all of my movements and slowly, slowly take control of my body and emotions.

I snort at the idea. Yeah, like Jesse's smart enough for that.

<><><><><> 

I brace myself as I knock on the door.

This is supposed to be fun, Lois. Keep a smile on your face and don't be awkward. I stretch my cheeks in the most elasticated smile I can force onto my lips and wait for Jesse to open the door; wait for the inevitable awkward encounter to occur. It's the day after the 'date' and the almost kiss, and I feel it's about time I faced my problems. So I'm coming as I usually do, to help with another one of Jennifer's physiotherapy sessions. She's having an extra one today. I think she enjoys them a lot. Ben is going to be with me, and I am going to make sure Jesse knows that I've quit completely. I don't want to talk about him with Rita, and I don't want Rita prying into my business.

Jesse opens the door.

The first thought that hits me is that he looks tired. His eyes, usually bright, are dull and worried and his hair is sticking out again in wild directions. He looks surprised to see me. "Lois," He swallows, "Um come in. You here to help out with mom?" He steps away from the door, and I suck in a breath and step into the hallway.

"Yeah of course," I nod, smiling faintly. "Apparently Ben is here too?" I kick off my boots, forcing myself to keep staring at Jesse in the eye, as if nothing is different. As if he didn't try and kiss me yesterday, and as if he and Rita aren't ganging up on me for something unknown. He seems all too happy to play along, and even offers me a sort of relieved smile. Was the kiss a mistake?

"Yeah they're in the living room. Anne is doing some basic stretching with mom, and teaching her how to use the crutches and stuff. How are you?" He eyes me carefully.

"I'm fine," I smile. "Just a little tired."

Jesse stares at me for a little longer than necessary, before nodding and smiling a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Okay," He murmurs. We make our way into the living room where I'm relieved to see Jennifer and Ben. How could anything be awkward when I have them sat around me? Jennifer is stood up, her air cast propped behind her and her arms in crutches. She grins when she sees me. "Lois! I'm so glad you're here."

Ben looks up from the TV, and smiles tightly when he sees me. He clearly knows how awkward it's going to be today. Then I spot the console in his hand, and my eyes flit back up to the screen. He's playing Call of Duty. Well at least that will diffuse the tension somewhat.

"Want a game?" Jesse asks from behind me. "He's playing Billie and losing badly," He releases a chuckle, "Now's your chance to prove your skills, crocodile." I look up to see him smiling down at me, and his eyes look a little less dull than before. I feel like he's testing me, to see how I actually feel about what happened yesterday, and I don't disappoint. I can't resist smiling just a little bit: it's so difficult not to be happy around him, not to trust that he has no intention to hurt me. I know Jesse. I know what a goofball he is, and that he likes to draw attention to himself and does stupid things without thinking about the consequences. I know that he has no intention against me. He's one of my closest friends.

Whatever he and Rita are up to, I'm just going to have to have faith that it's not about me.

"I'll give it my best shot, alligator."

Jesse smiles, dimples flashing, but I don't look for long. Thirty minutes later, I'm squinting at the TV with a console in my hands: jogging around the Call of Duty map ready to face Billie. This is the moment when the battle finally goes down between me and her, as to who is better at COD. Everett and me vs her and Warren, the first to 75 kills on Team Death match. Everett and I are currently going strong on a 72, whereas Billie and Warren are on 73. I'm not disheartened yet, though, because the roles have been reversing pretty often throughout the game. It seems to me that Billie and I are pretty equal in our skill levels, which is flattering seeing as she plays all the time.

She'll probably win but I'll definitely go down fighting. Besides, if we lose then I can just blame it on Everett.

Ben, Jesse and Jennifer are my witnesses: sprawled across the couches watching us play out on our battleground. Anne is currently packing up her things ready to leave. I don't think she's that interested in watching a group of teenagers shooting soldiers virtually. She's a busy woman, I guess. Everett and Warren are currently joking around through the wireless link, and they're so distracting. My eyes scour the overgrown landscape, searching for an enemy, and at last I find one. I duck behind an old ivy cottage as my opponent shoots, before attacking myself. 1 shot to the head and it's over. "73 kills!" I grin, and I hear Jesse whooping behind me.

I'm currently connected to the others through video calls, and Billie swears when she hears of my victory. She and Warren are going on their date tomorrow, and he is so excited about it. To be honest, I think she is too, but she's too in denial to admit it.

I duck out from my hiding place and go on the search again. Everett is across the map from me, and he lands our seventy fourth kill with a cheer of victory. I feel a buzz of excitement in my chest: similar to the adrenaline I get from playing the game. We Reynolds twins may actually have a chance at winning, if I can find a damned opponent that is. "Come on," I whine at the screen, "Give me someone to fight." My eyes search the screen ruthlessly, and I find myself leaning towards it in excitement. One more kill and me and Everett win. I am crowned Call of Duty Queen.

My eyes land on a victim and I shoot frantically. One shot has to hit. At least one.

Billie's score goes up to 74 in my peripheral vision. I can hear Warren cheering.

My victim falls down.

"We won!" I gasp, "We actually won!" The death match closes onto the winner's screen, and I'm whooping with happiness and excitement. I can hear Everett doing the same through the video call, with Billie groaning in disappointment. I glance behind at Jesse and Ben, and they both climb off the couch to congratulate me. Jennifer has a grin on her face and is clapping, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know the rules of the game. I won a game of Call of Duty against Billie Raegan!

"Who knew?" Ben grins, slapping my hand in the air for a high five.

"That was pretty awesome," Jesse smirks. He holds his hands up in the air for a double high five, but when I slap his hands, his fingers thread through my own so that we're basically holding hands. My heart thuds a little faster, and the twinkle of happiness I'm feeling seems to brighten tenfold. "Congratulations, Reynolds. You kicked ass." His dimples show and he looks down at me almost proudly. Maybe he does like me, after all. When he looks at me like that, it gives me hope. I grin up at him happily, but then his phone vibrates in his pocket. He releases my hands and grabs his phone, frowning as he opens the lock screen.

"It's Rita," He frowns, and my whole reason of happiness seems to disintegrate in a second. Of course it's Rita. It's always been Rita. "I'd better take this." Jesse gives me a pleading look, before bringing the phone to his ear and exiting the room. I watch him go, and allow myself to be sad for a second, before basking in my victory again. I won't let this bring me down. I won't let myself be saddened over Jesse again, when he doesn't even know he's hurting me.

"You played well, Lois," Billie sighs dramatically through the video call, "But I demand a re-match next week. It's nice having someone who is actually around my skill level for a change."

"Definitely. I'll catch you later Billie. Warren, Everett: good game," I shut down my video with a smile and collapse back down onto the floor in front of the TV. Ben and Jennifer are both staring at me with eyebrows raised; unimpressed. What's going on with them? My eyes flicker towards the door that Jesse just left from, and I can tell that despite my video game victory, the smile on my face has disappeared. They've probably noticed the reason my mood has fallen.

"What is it?" I wince.

"What is going on between you and Jesse, sweetheart?" Jennifer asks softly. "You can trust me. I want to know everything." My body seems to seize up a little bit in panic. Is it wrong for me to tell Jennifer? Would she help me or not? I look to Ben for the answers, and he nods. He clearly thinks it's a good idea to tell her, but I'm not sure if I want Jesse's mom to be involved in all of this...besides, isn't it a bit awkward to tell my crush's mom about everything that has happened?

I can trust Jennifer, though. She's the sweetest woman (minus my own mother) I've ever met.

I exhale slowly, but no words exit my mouth. Instead, I open my phone lock screen and type into the notes section. I type the story as quickly as I can- summing up exactly what has happened between me and her son. Jennifer stares at Ben in confusion as to why I haven't answered her question, but luckily he assures her the reason that I'm typing. The room is eerily silent, apart from the clicks of the keys on my phone. I'm not brave enough to say any of this aloud, especially not with her son only out in the hallway. I doubt he could hear us if we were talking but I don't want to take that chance, just in case. I write out everything, in as much detail as I feel necessary. I don't want her to know about all the little things, just the main events. She'll help me. I can trust her, I just know it.

Of course, I have to admit that I like her son first, for any of this to make sense.

First I should clarify that I like Jesse, and I don't just mean in a friendly way. A little while ago, when you first had your accident, he asked me for something. He asked me if he could help me get his ex-girlfriend back- I'm not sure if you know Rita or not. I agreed, out of guilt, but it didn't take me long to realise that I had nothing to feel guilty for: not to him anyway. It turned out though, he had a good reason as to why he didn't like me at first, but I still haven't really got a reason as to why he chose me to help him.

I helped him a little bit- not much, honestly. I told him a few things that Rita liked, but really I just made friendships. Jesse told me last week that he didn't need my help anymore, and so I think I'm off the hook. Yesterday, he and I almost kissed, but I ran away before we did. He and Rita are going to the dance together, and they supposedly had a date (at least that's what Rita told me) later in the afternoon so there's no way I could've kissed him. When Ben, my brother and I spied on them though...Jesse told Rita that it was a mistake to lie to me about this being a date.

They're meeting up for some reason, and I don't know why. That's all that has happened.

It takes me about three minutes to write the entire message, and Ben and Jennifer wait patiently while I do. Then, peering down at the screen for one last second, I hand the phone over to Jennifer. I'm surprised Jesse hasn't come in yet; he's been talking to Rita for a while.

"I'm going to tell him it's all over," I whisper to Ben, while Jennifer reads the note. "I'm going to quit this twisted thing all together. I can't stand being the go between for Rita and Jesse anymore."

"Good," Ben nods, "And Lois, you shouldn't worry about the 'date' yesterday. They wouldn't do anything to hurt you." His eyes hold mine for half a second, but it's the reassurance I need. Ben knows all about Jesse: he's his best friend for Christ sakes. If Ben is saying that I can trust him, then I believe him.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. "Sorry about that," Jesse grimaces, entering the room.

"Drinks!" Jennifer says loudly, although bizarrely her eyes are still focused on my phone. "I need a drink. Go and fetch me a smoothie will you Jesse?" She looks up at him, gritting her teeth slightly under her lips. She wants him out, so that she can carry on reading: that's obvious. I can tell she'll want to talk to me after she's finished reading that message.

Jesse looks a little startled. "Mom, I don't think we have any smoothies..."

"Make one then," Jennifer ushers him, shooing him with her hands. "Go, go!" Jesse frowns, but escapes the room and heads into the kitchen to make his mom a smoothie. Jennifer reads from the phone for ten seconds longer, and then places it in her lap: looking at me.

Talking time. I gulp.

"Firstly, I just want to say that I completely and utterly want you as my daughter in law."

I bark out a laugh of surprise, but Jennifer continues staring steadily at me.  Oh crap. She's serious.

"Secondly," She glances down at my phone, "I think you and my son have got quite a situation here. Rita is saying that she and he are dating, but apparently they're not? You need to find out what they're up to. As for me, well I'll try and find out if he likes you, but boys don't tell their mothers anything these days," She rolls her eyes, but then her tone falls serious. "Be careful Lois. Don't get hurt by this Rita girl- if she does like Jesse like it seems to be, then you can't let her hurt you like that. Walk away, and don't get involved."

"Right," I nod, "Thank you for the advice."

"Why don't you just tell him that you like him?" Jennifer asks me in a sweet, reassuring tone. "It would save a lot of confusion." She says it like it's so easy. If I had anywhere near the confidence I'd need to march up to Jesse and confess my attraction, then I'd do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I'm clumsy, incredibly socially inept and shy and I have the feeling I'd end up lying about a cat again if I tried. Somehow, that seems to be my go to response when I feel embarrassed. Blame it on a cat that doesn't exist- well done, Lois.

"Because he likes her," I nod, "Why else would he ask me to help him win her back? I value our friendship too much to even try." Ben looks grim at my confession.

"Maybe that's where you're going wrong," Jennifer looks at me pointedly. Ben sighs beside her.

"I've vowed to leave them to their own business, but it's so hard," He shakes his head. Jennifer smiles amusedly and pats his shoulder in mock comfort, just as Jesse arrives in the doorway.

"What kind of smoothie do you want?" He asks warily.

"She's not thirsty anymore, bro," Ben grins, "Lois has something to say to, you though." Both boys turn expectantly to me: Jesse frowning at me in confusion, and Ben egging me on silently. As for me? I'm frozen, staring up at Jesse into his aqua coloured eyes. What am I supposed to say? This wasn't supposed to happen like this, I was supposed to be able to prepare a little before telling him that I want completely out of his plans. This is going to go so badly wrong.

"I, um," My eyelids flutter closed and I force myself to concentrate before I open them again, "I just wanted to make sure that I'm completely out of whatever plans you have with Rita....I don't want to be involved between the two of you, I'm fed up of being the messenger. From now on, I want out," I say determinedly. Jesse nods along somewhat numbly, and I feel a flush of relief that this isn't going as badly as I thought it would go unprepared. I blurt out more words, without thinking.

"And I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore." I need to get over you. Please let me do it.

Jesse's eyes flash with hurt, and I immediately regret my words. "I'm sorry," I blabber painfully, "I really am. I just...I can't do this. I can't lie anymore." I'm at loss for myself now, cringing further and further into my brain to hide away from the shock and hurt in his expression. Jennifer and Ben are staring at me with wide eyes. 

"Lie?" Jesse counters.

What are you doing Lois?! My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour, but I can't stop now that I'm halfway through. I need to explain myself. Looking panickedly at all of the faces watching me, I sigh and confess the truth. My lap has suddenly become very interesting. "I lied when I said about what Rita looks for in a guy, and I told you the wrong thing on purpose, not because I didn't know what to say. I told you exactly the opposite of what she told me."

I release a breath, my eyes wide. Jesse is staring at me in shock, frozen against the couch. I can see his head trying to figure out everything I've just told him, but I can't wait for that. I've just completely blown all cover I had over liking Jesse, embarrassed myself and insulted him by saying I didn't want to hang out with him anymore.

"I-I need to go," I blurt out, my eyes wide and stinging. I've just ruined everything, all because I was scared about hurting Jesse. I've told him that I lied about Rita. He's going to hate me. I stand up as quickly as I can and sprint out of the room and into the hall. I can hear Jesse calling after me, but I don't look back, too lost in my own embarrassment. I pick up my shoes as quickly as I can and hurtle my way out of the front door and into the street.

I only stop when I'm safely in my own bedroom.

And then I cry.

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