I smiled bitterly as I looked at my test result.

I passed.

Maybe, if my Mom or Dad. I guess that my day is complete.

But, Mom is already gone. She’s with St. Peter now in heaven.

Dad is with his wife.

“Salut Mère. C'est moi, Shana. Comment allez-vous avec Saint-Pierre?” [Hi Mother. It's me, Shana. How are you with Saint Peter?] I greeted my Mom while standing in front of her tomb.

I slowly sat down and put the basket of flowers beside her tombstone. I grabbed a box of tissue to wipe off the dust on it carefully.

“Joyeux anniversaire, Mère.” [Happy Birthday, Mother.] I greeted her because it’s her day today.

“I have a good news to you. I passed.” I said while showing the tombstone my exam result, like she can see it by it.

I tell her stories until I decided to sing for her.

This is what we always do, even in her last moment.

I prepared my guitar and get ready to sing her a song.

“Mom, please tell me that you’ll be okay!” I begged between my sobs.

Mom was diagnosed that she have a stage four breast cancer. We didn’t expected it because she looks so strong and fierce, and full of vitality. That’s why we mourn for it especially when her doctor already numbered her days.

“Sorry, my baby. But... Mère can't see you watch me to suffer... in this hellish sickness.” She said with loneliness in her eyes with tears flowing with it.

“Why did you hide it to us?” I asked her, but, she just smiled bitterly at me.

Under her deep eyes are dark spots that is the sign of exhaustion. Her body is so thin that her bones can be seen. Her pale face matched her dry lips. She looks so miserable that I hardly recognize my own mother. She is like a breathing corpse.

“When I heard you cry at first, I am so happy. You, my baby are the most right decision I made in my life. I am feel so fulfilled and contented in my life with you. And I don't want you to cry and witness me catching and reaching my life that is exhausted . I am not that kind of mother, baby. I love you and I cherish you until the end.” She said with heavy breath. She is crying but smiling at the same time.

She lifted up her hand and dry the tears that streams down my cheeks. She pulled me with her strength that is already weak and kiss my forehead. She hugged me and I hugged her back as we cry out loud.

I can’t imagine my life without my Mom. I don’t know if I can still move on after this.

“Baby, can you sing a song for Mère?” She asked that made me stare at her for a moment. Then, I realized something between those words that only me that can understand well.

“Why?” I asked, confused, and nervous. But, I am more than nervous than confused. Because, I want to ignore what I discovered and keep myself from the fantasy that it is just an illusion, and this is just a bad dream.

“I want to hear your voice... for the last time. She said while smiling at me.

I looked away when I felt like crying again.

‘No! I cannot show her my sadness in front of Mom. She will scold me and be angry at me, for sure.’

Knowing my Mom, I dried my tears that is about to come out from my eyes. And scold myself silently.

I positioned myself in front of my Mom and started strumming the acoustic guitar that she bought for me before. I started to sing her favorite song that was sang by her favorite international singer.

I feel countless eyes watching me as I sing that song once again. I can feel that there are people operating their phones and cameras and making a film of me. I feel uneasy with this, but I just ignored it and continued singing in front of my mother’s tombstone. Because, I want to express and send what I am thinking and feeling to my Mom, by singing this song.

I unconsciously wiped off the tears that is streaming on my cheek when I started to reminisce our memories that will never be replaced by anyone, and for how many years that will arrive and pass.

I can hear sobs, and whimpers from the distance, but I ignored it and focused to tell my stories to my mother between every lyrics of the song. I want to imagine me and her, sitting on this grass field, chatting intimately as mother and daughter.

This amazing woman that I luckily have. My only superhero that is irreplaceable in my life.

             I almost choke and my voice almost cracked as I feel my heart went painful as it break into pieces. I am starting to gasp for air as I feel my heart turned empty in the process.

             It’s painful because for so many years have passed, I can’t still move on and still mourning for her fall.

But, despite of that, I kept my voice full and whole as I sing the song. I don’t want to disappoint my Mom that resides in the afterlife. I want her to feel my love and longing.

And as I sing the chorus until the last part of the song, the people’s emotion turned strong. I closed my eyes while singing my heart out and strumming with all my might.

The people started to sing along with me with their heart and soul that I appreciate fully.

             At the end of the song, I heard them clap and cheer with tears of joy in their eyes. I nod at them and say goodbye to my Mom’s tombstone. I feel my heart went light as I remember how the crowd sing with me with their emotions that corresponds with yours. But, I will be happier than this if my Mom is happy wherever she is.

And I hope, that I, will be happy too, after a couple of weeks that are coming.