Tiffani woke me up woke me up by popping a balloon next to my ear causing me to scream and fall off the massage table. I yanked off the  blindfold swearing in as many languages as I knew how typing to avoid

As she picked at her cat lady length nails I wasn't sure which I should rub first, my sore ankles and wrists from the ties, or my butt which was now throbbing from the fall.

"I trust you slept well?" She said with a snarky giggle.

"Who am I kidding. I don't care. It's the day of my date with Ronald. I need to know what kind of makeup to wear tonight."

I could see a tiny pulsating vein in her neck from my spot on the floor. My mind started firing out ways I could severe it. Maybe it was her jugular. One simple bite would just rip it out of her. It would be so quick, gross, and bloody, but quick. The whole thing over in seconds.

I mentally yanked my eyes toward the floor to avoid the impulse. Maybe I was a murderer already, but not that kind of murdered. Cannibalism is a long way from your average killer in my book.  Although maybe it would be the most satisfying moment of my entire existence and worth every punishment.

"Well?" She barked as her stiletto pink pump began tapping like a woodpecker. 

My thoughts were blurry. This was sure to be some kind of test. I thought I'd make up brands and came up with the fanciest counter I knew.

"MAC?"

Her dagger producing glare told me I'd failed and I couldn't help feeling angry. I scanned the room looking for the toes that had held me in place. It was justifiable killing someone that had left mentors to a table all night right?

"Don't be an idiot Arya. What's the date? Casual, stage makeup, extreme with cat eyes? What kind of event am I going to?

I searched my non robot data banks for the answer that would make her happy. All I knew for sure was that Ronald would be taking her to the best make out spot we had (a cliff overlooking the city) and have a gift.

Casual. Knowing Ronald the farmer boy he'd planned something stupid and Tiffani would refuse to leave the house. I needed to get on this quick.

"Wear something sparkly. And heels. Def heels. Whatever make up goes with that will do."

A puzzling look crossed her face and then it disappeared into a smile. Well, as much as a pit bull smiles when it's about to eat a steak. Bait set.

Now I just had to figure out how to get out of this house and over to Ronald's. He didn't seem like the type to be able to pull off setting up the perfect date. For me, yes. But not for Tiffani. She thrived on glitz and glamour. This was gonna take a credit card with a large limit and some planning.

"Arya". Tiffani's scolding shook me out of my deep thoughts.

"Obviously you suffered some sever brain damage as a result of your incompetence. See? Causing the accident while you were in the car wasn't a smart move. Now you're not I only hideous to look at, you're even dumber than you were before. I didn't even think that was possible. Find your way somewhere. Away from me, I don't need your pathetic vibes ruining my night."

It was the perfect opportunity. I scrambled to my feet. I was weak, wobbling like the gremlin creature from Lord of the Rings. My vision was blurry and there was a dull ringing in my ears but I wasn't dead yet.

I bribed Mindi for a ride home by giving her my charm bracelet. After today I wouldn't be collecting any more of Tiffani's trophies. I knew I was in horrible shape when Mindi's driving didn't have me clawing at the dashboard.

When I got in my house everything was clean and quiet. Of course my parents were going about their normal lives. Did they even notice I was gone all night?  What kind of parents don't feel anything cosmic when their kid almost dies? 

I headed to the shower and screamed through the spray of water and soap. Tiffani was right about one thing, my face was a mess. Scabs and slices littered my once perfect complexion.  I slathered on some antibiotic ointment from the medicine cabinet and walked into the bedroom to find clothes that wouldn't hurt my bruised and battered body.  I should be grateful I survived, but the pain sensors wouldn't let me.

I just kept telling myself it was going to be worth it. I plugged in my dead cellphone and waited for it to come to life.  No text messages. No missed calls. Yep, I'm the socialite of the summer alright.

Ronald hadn't texted. Maybe he had it all under control.  Maybe he planned the perfect date and didn't need my help. As long as he got her to the meeting place did I even care how her date went?  Yeah. I did. Truth was Tiffani would bail in a heartbeat if he did something lame and I couldn't let that happen. Being on her turf tonight was bound to end badly for me. 

Sitting on my bed felt amazing. All in wanted to do was lay back and sleep for a week. I fought every instinct to snuggle in and get comfortable and instead sent him a text to get some information.  If I was lucky he'd get back to me and I'd still have time to make sure he got it right. 

While I waited I put an emergency order in with the local butcher. I needed a whole pig. Kyle probably would have known where to get one, farmers were pretty good at networking I think. But he needed to focus on the date. If he got that right it would be a miracle.

I dragged my stuff muscles into the attic. Two years ago my parents went to a work Halloween party as Captain Hook and Tinkerbell. Tiffani loved her urban legend theme killing so much, it seemed only fitting to have her go out like that.

If there's anything at all I'm getting out of this, it's imagination. I've murdered Tiffani so many ways in my mind that I wonder what my brain will do when she's actually dead.

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It really was an epic plan. Which you'll see whenever the mail gets through to the lazy bum publishing this for me.  I mean, I'm grateful and all, but waiting for her to be inspired to type is annoying.

Did I tell you I got a new roommate?  Her name is cello. Yeah, cello. Like the instrument. She weighs 422 pounds!! And gets to walk the yard twice a day which I feel is unfair. I mean, just because I fit in the uniform (and on the mattress) doesn't mean I don't have rights!!  Also, she has some metabolic issue. She loses hair like a labrador in the summer. And sweats. A lot. Like she gets extra towels and everything.

She probably won't get messed with by the other girls because she's intimidating (and sort of gross to be honest) but I'm not afraid of her. Well, except at meals.  Not to self - never put your fingers by cello's tray while eating.  Don't ask!!!  I'm thinking she's probably a nice person who just hasn't opened up yet, or she's a bitch who just happens to be the size of a mountain.

And now I'm wondering what happens if those people in my 600 pound life commit crimes?  If you can't get up, do you still go to jail?  Maybe they get time served because they're already sort of in jail. Kind of. I'd ask cello, but I don't think she'd find that question appropriate.