Let's me remind you one more time, I am going to die.

I am certain about it, definitely, let's just see it as the inevitable. there is no way a person will live for an eternity right?  we were born, we are living our lives and we will all die. other creatures will replace our position, the earth will continue to rotate around its axis as if nothing ever happened. i am also one of the ordinary ones out there, someday i will wither away and return to mother earth.

i will die, soon, and i will break this cycle of life.

no, really, i just want to leave, literally i want to leave as soon as possible and never come back, what's even the point of coming back if it is just full of misery, endless aimless days will haunt me for the rest of my life, days that i have to be on my own without him, my man.

how do i even start on this? my life is basically miserable, it's like all the bad luck and jinx on earth are targeting me. i hate it, i hate it so much that i wish could just vanish like bubbles on the sea surface.

i am grateful of jeff, really, for walking towards me, for approaching me on this goddamn life of mine. but can he not bring pain to me, i just need him that's all, i don't need all those unnecessary sadness and madness.

- what is death to you? 

when he asked me, i answered him with my monotone soulless voice while looking at him with my innocent, sparkling eyes.

- my aim, my work of art, i was born to die.

i lifted up my hand, as if i was playing with some imaginary flowers floating in the air. knowing him for a while, i realised i have never really understood him, as a person. he sighed and took out the lighter, breaking the awkward moment of silence between us.

- don't die, barcode

he used his demanding voice, my brows furrowed. all my emotions running tirelessly in my head made me unreasonably angry. i sat up and looked at the one smoking cigarette in front of me.

- i want to die, it's none of your business.

- i need you, is that valid enough?

he eventually put off the cigarette while still looking at me.

- p'jeff

- it's late, you should go home.

he left without saying goodbye. that night in the dark alley, i felt like time had stopped for an eternity, there was only complete silence with me. i looked at the bottle of liquor on the table, chugged it down my throat without thinking, the bitter taste of tequila ironically helped me stayed sober. I cried, tears streamed down my face, i felt angry, i felt bad for myself as well. why, just why i have never felt happy for once in my life. when will i find my own happiness. now or never?

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i don't have a dad, he died from alcohol poisoning and left me with my mom. she eventually left me to marry another man and started a brand new life with a new family. i understood her, because if i tried to keep her with me it would mean that i was bringing misery to both of us. and i didn't want it to happen, because i truly loved her.

i used to live a life where i needed to save up penny by penny, i didn't have food, i didn't have clothes. i lived in a small house which didn't even look like a house in a neighbourhood looking like skid row. surprisingly i survived those days and managed to complete high school, i graduated and got into a prestigious university with a scholarship. i studied and lived my life like a robot. there were countless nights where i dreamt about my mom, i wanted to see her, i wanted to hug her for once, and my life would be fulfilled.

i don't have a dream, i would exchange everything that i have, even my reputation just to see her. or even my life, i would be happy to do so.

i used to hope that tomorrow would be a better day, that i could meet my mom.

tomorrow? when is tomorrow? will i even be alive by then or i will just be forgotten by time. will tomorrow bring me to him, or will it do the opposite. i need tomorrow, i want it.

- hey, are you still listening?

his voice on the phone interrupted my train of thoughts, his warm and low-tone voice made me blush a little bit

- i-i'm still here

- i have something to tell you...

the atmosphere suddenly became so intense that i felt like i could not even breathe properly.

- well you knew already cause i've already said it before, but...you always found ways to dodge it.

- ....barcode, listen to me, listen and answer me. if you try to ignore me one more time i swear to god i'm gonna go insane.

my heart was pounding inside my chest. i wasn't sure, but my gut feelings was telling me that i was right, it was the moment.

- yes, i'm listening

for the very first time in my whole life, i felt genuinely happy instead of all the others emotion that normally took over my brain. i was really happy, so happy that i would literally explode right then and there if it was real. i would tell the whole world how happy i was.

- you know...how do i even say this....i-i don't think i can live without you, i miss you, i love you. barcode, i want us to end this right here. be with me, be my muse, my baby, i promise you will only feel at ease if you agree to let me love you.

i chuckled a bit, i could not believe that it was something that someone like jeff, the always angry jeff would say to confess his love. i knew that he felt really shy, but i laughed at him anyways.

- hey, answer me, why are you laughing, is it that bad?

here came my old angry jeff. he listened to my laughed for a while and stopped completely. i doubted that a man in his 30s like him had ever experienced this kind of situation before.

- why so silent? 

his heart was pounding in his chest, waiting anxiously for an answer.

- p'jeff, i love you

dear my beloved death, i did not consider it when i answered his question. it was not my top priority anymore, why? because i had found something more astonishing than death - love. i loved him a little bit too much, how could i reject him? dear god please let me love him, please let me felt loved once more even if i had to go to hell when i die, it would still be worth it.

- wait for me, i'm coming to you

the call ended, i sat silently with my thoughts again. wait for him? what did he mean?