Months later.

I sat on my bed, knees brought to my chest, the same old Shakespearean play in hand. My eyes grazed over the words like they were nothing, I could recite it from memory if demanded. I tilted my head to the side, growing uncomfortable with the wood against my back.

I groaned, flailing the book to my side, letting it fall carelessly against the sheets. I sank down, joining it, turning to my side. Things have been growing worse for me as of late. I keep finding it so hard to find inspiration, and I can hardly move from my bed to my desk without thinking about if it's really worth it.

Perhaps, I've grown stressed of this small apartment in this huge city- perhaps, I simply want to be back out and able to explore in dense, forest-covered locations. Perhaps I just feel lonely. Novel after novel I drown myself in, it's the same. I want someone to care about me. Someone that cares. 

Had I really fallen that far? That far for him? I'll question that for the rest of my life.

Why did it cause so much pain? I shall question that as well. 

I leaned my head back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling. 'What is pain,' the thought came. I furrowed my brow. Aside from physical?

Not being able to hang onto someone you once knew well.
Not being able to tell that person you loved them before they were gone.
Not being able to keep in contact with that old friend you met once upon a time.
Never being able to apologize for that mistake you made.
Breaking someone's trust, even if it was to protect them.
Knowing that someone would never trust you again.
Holding tightly to your pillow wishing that it was someone who cared.
Crying into the night, begging to correct your mistake.
Holding someone close knowing you can't save them.
Crying at a funeral knowing it was your fault that they couldn't make it.
Sitting alone at night, knowing you can't change.
Tugging your hair to keep the pain in silence.
Knowing that, no matter how much you love someone, you can never have them.
Knowing that you will never be enough.
Knowing your family will always look down upon you because you stand out.
Knowing that you could never be the perfect child.
Hurting someone you wanted desperately to protect.

The list goes on.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, keeping the tears at bay. Why must the truth hurt as bad as it does? It seemed no matter the case, it always comes back to haunt me. No matter the drink, I can't seem to escape the reminder that I am not who I should be.

After Francis Kinloch, I thought it'd be my last time falling head over so blindly. Yet, here I am, craving some form of company. From Alexander, of all people. 

I rolled onto my side, opening my eyes, though everything was blurred from tears. If I had been better, perhaps Kinloch wouldn't have left me the way he did. Unfortunately, it was a text saying, 'we're done', with a brief explanation. For his career, he claimed. 

I understood, of course. It would make sense that he had to leave me for his work. We wouldn't have been able to talk, and I doubt we would've had time to call. 

I will confess, time and time again I miss him, but I worry I may just see Alexander as just some cover up from what I lost. I just find everything about him so perfect though. His smile, and the way his nose scrunches; his teeth having a small gap, his nose bridged and settled so neatly against his face, his eyes, perfect and indigo blue; his hair, red in the sunshine; his personality, like a lion. He was everything anybody could ever want, something this poor soul strives to gain. 

But, how could I hurt him like that?

Why did I fall for him?

I puffed my cheeks, reaching for my phone, checking my texts. A scientist I worked with had texted not too long ago.

'Mr. Laurens, we're growing more concerned for you daily. Please, get into contact asap.'

'My apologies. Things have been rough the past few days. My work is finished and has been sent in. It should arrive any day now. Take care.'

I scrolled through the rest, finally stopping above his name. I clicked our contacts, and started a simple conversation. 'Hi,' I had written. I waited for his response, almost hopeless that he'd respond. 

I settled the phone against my desk, letting my eyes rest, even if it is just for a minute. They burned over the tears that had once settled in them, as if trying to claim the territory. There was a buzz, and I reach blindly to grab my phone. 

I brought it to my view, seeing Alexander had texted back. Smiling, I clicked on the contact. 

'Hi!'

'How are you?'

As he began typing again, I rolled onto my other side, where the book was once again in view. I groaned, shuffling beneath my blankets, hoping to ignore my false hope of romance. 

'I'm doing alright. How have you been? I haven't heard from you in awhile.'

'Hit a rough spot but I'm doing better.'

It was mainly the truth, but I genuinely feel I'm deteriorating. I just want one thing in my life to go nicely, but it seems the more I hope, the more I'm cursed with burden. Pity.

'Oh, I'm glad things are getting better! I was curious... Would you be free this Saturday?'

I perked a brow. Perhaps he wanted to get coffee again at the café. Though, I'm almost certain it's closed on the weekend.

'I am. What's the occasion?'

'Well, I'm uncertain of the direction you prefer to go... But... Is there any chance you'd be able to go on a date with me? I know it's been only a few months, but I feel we have a connection. And, I've been arguing with myself that I'm not you're kind of... partner material. But, I've fallen head over heels, and I'm not too sure I'll be able to take it much longer.' 

My heart sank as I read the message again and again. 

'Are you serious?'

'Of course!'

I smiled a bit, covering my mouth. Pure coincidence, once again, but thank whoever is out there that my prayers were heard. 

'Then, of course! I'd love to meet you on Saturday!'

'Great! How about we meet in front of the café? We can walk to the restaurant I had in mind from there! Around 7:30 PM?'

'Call it a date!'

I smiled, turning my phone over, covering my face. I fanned myself wildly. I felt far too happy- this felt almost like a dream.

I get to go on a date with Alexander. 

And, for once, I feel there will be nothing that will ruin the moment. I will be happy. It will be us.

My phone chimed again and I lifted it for a moment. I almost chuckled as I read the text that had appeared.

'Thank god for that café.'

I thought for a moment.

That café... Thank the Heavens it was there when it was. Now, I can be happy with Alexander. And, hopefully, Alexander can be happy with me for the rest of our lives.

...

And happy, they were.