~August 20, 2015, edited 10/13/15~
Let me tell you this: Having severe OCD sucks. What is OCD, you may ask? OCD means Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Isn't that the term people use jokingly towards people who wash their hands often? Yes, but OCD is MUCH more than that. Simply put, it expands upon those little weird thoughts we all get from time to time. But we with this disorder cannot let them go with a "meh, weird". We worry and focus on them, worrying "Why do I think these things? What's wrong with me??". We often do little habits or rituals to decrease the anxiety we feel and worry over. This doesn't deal with the thoughts and fears, though- it just supresses them, and they'll always come back.

I've shown signs since I was a baby, and they've only increased since. It all came to a head in June, when watching a TV show episode heavily involving self-harm and suicide triggered this spiral. Thoughts came at me, expanding and twisting into new obsessions. I was scared and horribly anxious about these things- Still am. The anxiety over the thoughts, never being dealt with, made me physically ill- The anxiety still does, sometimes. See, some people's OCD focuses on but a few things. Lucky me, mine goes all over the board. Themes of obsessive thoughts for me are violence, sexual thoughts/incestual thoughts, cursing, worries over mental health/physical health, self-harm, schoolwork, and suicide. My compulsions are pretty bad, too. I've worn the same haircut for pretty much my whole life (Only recently changed, and it's so freeing), worn the exact same outfits and clothes since I could dress myself, and eaten almost the exact same meals every single day of my life (And these are just some of my compulsions). Half my life has been a lie simply due to this disease, one that I'll never be fully rid of. Do you know how torturous it is to have such painful thoughts, worrying and freaking out, feeling so in despair? OCD makes a prison out of the affected being's mind, no matter how mild or severe it is. I'm fortunate, I've been diagnosed with only OCD thus far. Others have so many more issues, but even one is plenty enough. I was diagnosed two or so weeks after I watched that episode on TV, and have been in CBT (Cognitive Behavorial Therapy) since. I've been so blessed that my family has been so supportive, and that I have a great therapist helping me face my fears. So how does CBT work, you may be wondering?

CBT works by making the person face their fears and stick with the anxiety, rather than doing compulsions to try and occupy themselves. It can be very scary at times, because I have to face all these fears and not feel in control. I have to write about the thoughts, hang out with scary objects that are part of the thoughts, read about certain things, and more. The goal of raising and staying with the anxiety is to make myself more used to the irrational thoughts and fears. I have a diagram of the long-term goal in the media for better understanding.

I myself have not faced much stigma. My pals have been pretty nice, and don't seem to mind much. The few people I've told otherwise didn't seem to know what to say. I recently did fear some stigma, thought, because I was trying to find a book on self-harm to read for CBT, and didn't want to ask the libary staff lest they think I'm a self-harmer, or have to  explain my situation. Maybe I should've asked, I dunno. But I do know that most people think OCD is a joke, just like all mental illnesses, or that people with them are just crazy. I know a kid with some mental illness, and he's extremely nice. Who knows, I may yet face some stigma from people as to why I'm so "different". I know that a lot of people have to face stigma daily, or don't have a great support group. Some people can barely accept the fact they DO have an illness, and can't "get better with a slap to the face". And for people with multiple disorders, it may be a lot worse.

We aren't so different from you "regular" people. People with physical disabilities and illnesses are accepted and get sympathy, so why can't we, the mentally affected population, get the same treatment? Why does the mentally affected group get so laughed at and ridiculed? So many "regular people" just say, "Hey, wake up! You don't have to be this way! Get over it!". But it isn't as easy as that, and lots of us with mental illness face stigma in society, and are laughed at. My family and I used to joke about OCD once in a while, because I've always been a "neat freak perfectionist". We didn't know it was actually that.

My ordeal with severe OCD isn't anywhere near over, and it will always be there with me. But you know what? I'll own it. I don't care if people percieve me as a weirdo germaphobe who has an overgrown amygdala. Having OCD has been making a tougher Gracedia, and it's opened my eyes to the whole wide world of mental illness and the struggle of releasing it from its "taboo status". I hope that my story will help to reduce stigma, open people's minds to this whole issue, and help others realize that despite our injured minds, we aren't so bad at all.