The rains on deserts do not last long. Happiness of a man who is cursed in to eternal suffering does not last long either. I had enjoyed the moment of oblivion too much, that the retuning logic and sense hurts my rapidly beating heart. I do not deserve this and I know that.
My lips suddenly feel cold, after losing the contact with hers, and my eyes once more hold that dark gaze, now sparkling in the light of new emotions and thousands of unasked questions. This moment I know exactly why I hate these eyes; I hate them for their ability to gaze in to me, read me and hold this clear reflection of mine. I hate the innocence they reflect, for it makes me forget my initial reasoning and fills me with a desire to hold her, in an eternal embrace. I hate my own want of making a bond with her, I hate the pull between us, and I hate my already lost heart.
I hate cross roads and my fate has a way of leading me to them far too often. I hate making promises; for I know the pain broken promises inflect upon a heart. I have another moment to decide, a moment that is ticking away too fast. Either I could hurt her now, by saying I do not mean whatever she interpreted from my actions. Or I can hurt both of us later, by dragging her in to my personal battle, making her my weakness and thrusting her between me and my enemy unguarded, like some useless battered shield. In the former choice, I would have to spend a few agonizing hours, she would cry for a several days, we would lose our easy camaraderie, but she would be happy in the future. In the later choice, just like the desert rain, I would have a flicker of happiness before Durga Prasad makes it his personal mission to ruin it and I would eventually lose her, she would not have a future at all. The choice is obvious.
Her eyes change their expression, like a veil was drawn across the sparkling depth I witnessed earlier. She blinks once and the emotions are gone, she stares at me in an impassive gaze as I distance myself from her.
‘I don’t want your sympathy,’ she says suddenly back in her wicked witch tone standing up and walking to the window turning her face firmly away from me.
‘What gave you the idea?’ I ask her, curiously.
‘You pity me,’ she says in a reproachful tone. ‘It’s so obvious in your eyes. You’re just touched by whatever I said earlier, you feel sorry, like someone would feel for a drenched puppy left on roadside. I don’t want your pity!’
I walk to her with my arms folded; I can feel the cold expression in my features already.
‘Then what do you want Miss Gadodia?’
She gulps as she looks at me, suddenly at loss of words. I know she would not have any answer for that question. We both want the same thing, but neither of us would ever voice it.
‘I want to be like you,’ she says after a moment. ‘So indifferent, so unaffected, I can’t okay? I can’t just forget whatever I feel, I can’t compress my emotions…I’m… I’m not used to it.’
‘Get used to it,’ I tell her shortly. ‘It would be better for you.’
‘Can’t you just stop being all high and mighty for a moment?’
I sigh.
‘I want you to forget whatever happened. I’m not going to discuss about it again, because I don’t want to. We already have a lot of problems without creating new ones!’
‘You’re afraid of me,’ she says after a long pause. Her eyes stare in to mine once more. ‘You’re not all what you pretend to be huh? Crawling away from light because you worry others might see how ugly you are…that’s your truth.’
Words…her words are poisonous.
‘You just want to scare everyone off from touching your walls so you can hide behind them. Only weak people do that SK, only weak people are afraid of admitting their emotions.’
‘And you?’ I ask her sarcastically. ‘What do you think you’re doing? You’re running away from your problems, hell, you’re running away from life, just because few fools hate you. Do you really think you’re all that strong to advice me Miss Gadodia?’
‘At least I don’t hide behind masks!’ She snaps at me. ‘I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not! I don’t hide what I feel!’
I laugh at her.
‘Seriously? Then what do you feel?’
‘I love you.’
Silence, heavier than tons of words stretches from her sentence. It is still hanging above us. She continues to glare at me, her eyes burning in fury now.
‘You are a fool,’ I tell her, coldly. ‘Do you even know who I am? What kind of a world I belong to? Just because I helped you once or twice, just because we shared a few meals and lived under the same roof for some days, you think what you feel is love? You’re not thinking straight Miss Gadodia. What you feel is gratitude, you feel that you owe me, rest is attraction, and it can happen to anyone. You shouldn’t take it too seriously…I don’t want another Lakshya Maheshwari happening with you.’
‘I told you what I feel,’ she says unaffected. ‘Rest is up to you. I don’t care; I don’t want to care either. But I don’t want your pity, that’s all I had to say. I don’t know why you’re afraid of yourself, but that’s entirely your problem.’ She turns to leave after rubbing almost all of my sore veins in one speech.
I grab her arm, just as she walks past me and turns her to face me, completely furious.
‘You want to know why I’m afraid of myself right?’ I ask, shaking her shoulders and brooding in to her gaze. ‘I’m afraid because when I love, I love till the last of my being evaporate into that feeling, I love until it hurts, I love until I cease to exist and I want to be loved back with the same intensity. I’m afraid of loving yes, do you know why? It is because if someone ever tries to cause the slightest of harm to what I love…I raise hell; I annihilate them I don’t mind what happens to me in the process. I lose all my senses when I love. Tell me Miss Gadodia, can you tolerate that kind of love? Can you withstand the destruction it brings? Will you not then see me as a monster? Will you not start regretting your choice? Won’t you end up hating me?’
I find myself shaking, as my words drain away and my voice tails off. She is still watching me, her eyes still sparkling and innocent. Suddenly I feel her cold palm against my cheek.
‘You’re not going to lose me,’ she says slowly. ‘We’re not going to lose each other.’ I take a deep breath, more to calm my nerves as she smoothes my rigid features. ‘You know me SK; you know how I always fly towards the light, no matter how many warn me against it. If love burns, let it burn, I don’t care, I don’t fear .I can never hate someone for loving me…’
This was certainly not what I had planned. But the crossroads are already far back. I have unconsciously chosen my path. Curiously though, I do not regret it. I am done living underground afraid of his thunders. Let Durga Prasad unleash any storm he wants. I am going to enjoy the sunshine, as long as it lasts. I smile a long last, looking down at her.
‘Will you go on a date with me?’
*
‘Oh the prosecutors are already here,’ Vic says as we park the car.
‘Exactly what I need,’ I say sarcastically. ‘A tour through the victim’s apartment with Lakshya Maheshwari…’ Swara stiffens in the back seat at the mention of his name. I catch her eye in the review mirror and smile with her, she looks a little pale, but her cheeks flush as she reciprocates my smile. We step out and I catch her eye once more as I shut the door, locking her in.
‘Stay in the car Casper,’ I say, tapping the glass and she nods a little.
‘So,’ says Vic as we walk out of the parking lot.
‘What?’ I ask him.
‘I smell something different in the air.’
‘Oh, do you?’ I sound surprised. ‘Maybe a rain is approaching.’
‘I think it already rained last night,’ Vic bites his lower lip, his eyes twinkling. ‘Now out with it SK, what’s going on?’
I raise my eyebrows at his insistent and knowing look.
‘I don’t kiss and tell,’ I say seriously.
‘Aha!’ Vic laughs. ‘That’s it, I rest my case!’
‘Stop it will you,’ I frown at him as I catch the sight of the oncoming party. I cannot help my features contorting as my eyes fell on Durga Prasad Maheshwari, walking in with his son and a couple of police officers.
‘Shell we?’ The inspector asks after exchanging a couple of words with Vic. Durga Prasad is watching me, his cold gaze demanding to hold mine. I nod at him, my lips curling in to a cold grin, as his eyes flash a little, betraying the cold fury he still nurtured for me within him.
We follow the officer to the apartment occupied by the victim before he died; it is a very ordinary one, perfect for a middle classed man who has started living on his own recently. The police had been through all his belongings several times, but everything is still where they were supposed to be. I take in the basic view as my eyes travel the perimeter and Vic takes some photographs, both of us deliberately ignoring the prosecutors lurking around. 
‘For a professional photographer his camera’s a little outdated;’ Vic comments; pointing the camera and the lighting equipments in a corner of the hall way.
‘Hmm…’ I say, watching the way Lakshya’s eyes follow my gaze. It is a fine tactic, when you can’t find anything yourself, follow the opponent’s trail, they would lead you to a clue with no effort from your side. Brilliant job!
We examine the camera, what holds my interest is the micro chip that fits inside it and Vic catches my expression.
‘Later,’ I tell him before he would question me. ‘Inspector Sharma,’ I turn to the officer. ‘Is this all this room had or have you removed some items…let’s say from the walls?’
‘Umm, no, we haven’t touched a thing, or changed their positions, why do you ask so Mr. SK?’
‘Uh, nothing just curious. He was a clean neat guy right,’ I say casually. ‘Too neat in fact…’ I add, pulling open a drawer in his bedside cabinet. The contents of the drawer had been shuffled through by the police, but I need to see through them myself. Vic nudges me, pointing at a certain photograph on the top of the cabinet, it had a few children laughing at the camera from some birthday party long ago.
‘Take a snap shot,’ I advice him as I turn my attention back to the drawer. Inside are some papers, stuffed in to the drawer carelessly. Most of them are bills, some receipts and other official looking useless letters with an old crumbled piece of an invitation to some musical function. It has a folded corner, which I straighten out. There is a number written hastily across the corner, a phone number. I note it down, in my thoughts for further investigation later.
I straighten up, to notice Vic had finished his photographing.
‘I think we should leave,’ I tell him, in a quite tone.
‘You have plans for later today?’ Vic asks in an amused tone. I see Lakshya freezing at his words from a corner of my eye.
‘Yep, I need to run a few errands and meet a few people,’ I say frowning at Vic, as we made our way out.
‘Wait!’ Someone calls after and I sigh.
‘Oh please, not another drama.’
It is Lakshya, following us down the stairs. He has a very determined expression to start with.
‘I don’t have much time,’ I tell him coldly. ‘Whatever it is keep it short.’
‘How is she?’
I could have resisted the urge to roll my eyes, but I do not. That was indeed pathetic.
‘Fine,’ I say shortly and Vic and I turn to leave.
‘I want to talk to her,’ he states clearly not getting the hint.
‘Of cause you can…in the court.’
We have already made it to the parking with Lakshya on our heel. Now I seriously know what a leach means.
‘You came with her right? She’s waiting in the car. I need to see her.’
‘Lakshya,’ I say, firmly as I stop leaning against our car. ‘You can’t do everything you need, get that clearly in your head.’
‘What is this sudden interest?’ Vic questions him. ‘Certainly you don’t have anything to discuss with our client.’
While my temper rose unchecked I had pressed the key in my hand, unlocking the doors unintentionally. Swara stepped out, almost instantly.
‘Swara…’ He turns to her then. ‘I really believed Ragini saw what she said she saw, that’s why I…’
‘Oh,’ I tell him, in an amused tone. ‘Is this some poorly worded apology?’
‘Look,’ Lakshya takes a deep breath. ‘I believed what was in front of me… Anyone would have done. Even now, you’re not acting like an innocent would…do you seriously say I was wrong in my place…?’
‘You’re still too bad in pressing your point Lakshya, I can’t seem to grasp what you want to say. Sorry…or not sorry?’
He ignores me completely and addresses her.
‘I could never have believed you were capable of something like this, but you’re not giving me any reason to trust you. I just want you to know, whatever you’re doing is never going to work.’
‘What am I trying to do?’ Swara asks him in an unemotional tone. I turn to capture her expression, there is none however. She looks at him blankly.
‘You’re trying to make me jealous,’ accused Lakshya. ‘You’re trying to make me doubt Ragini, you’re trying to break us apart. You want to show me that I don’t matter to you at all. That you have moved on. When in fact…what you want is to gain my trust again, make me doubt if I’m helping the right side or not.’
‘Very well,’ she says softly. ‘And what are you going to do now that you know all this?’
‘I’m not going to fall for your tricks.’
‘Good for you,’ she says shortly and turns to me. ‘Shall we go then, SK?’
Lakshya laughs at her.
‘You can act all you want to Swara, it doesn’t matter. It’s you who has a lot to worry about at the moment starting from your defense attorney.’
‘Lakshya!’
‘What is it SK? Are you worried that I might spill your secrets? As to why you want to win this case so desperately? Have you ever wondered Swara…why he helps you so much?’
Vic steps between us, staring down Lakshya with his blazing eyes.
‘That’s enough Mr Maheshwari, we need to get going, and we’re getting late.’
He pushes me towards the car and jerks his head for Swara, signaling her to get in. She however is still watching Lakshya.
‘Okay, when you’re free ask him what his name is, if he ever dares to tell you.’
‘Get in, Miss Gadodia,’ Vic says firmly and Swara follows him, he shuts the doors after us and pulls out of the parking lot. We don’t talk on our way back, each lost in thoughts of their own.
*