So the last, well, I'd say almost about a year, for me it was a lot about my crush. Other things, too, obviously, but I'm gonna focus on my crush right now.

I'd say I noticed her when fall break was over, but I've actually first met her when I was in 6th grade. Her name is a little odd and, as the one's in my grade taking french class thought, it sounded like some sort of a french question. So we always said her name extremely loud when she was around to get her attention and then say "oh no, it was just french". We thought it was funny.

So I always thought she was weird, as she was wearing weird clothes and had a quite interesting hairstyle.

But apparently something changed last year, as I told you I noticed her then. She had dyed her hair and that caught my eye. It wasn't just some highlights (how would that even be possible with blonde- almost white- hair), but instead it turned out green. Later I found out it was supposed to be blue and she disliked green as her hair-color, but I thought it was cute. I thought of her as some shallow crush I had. Okay, maybe not. I just noticed her way more frequently than I used to(the teasing had ended a few years ago) and wished to be her friend. For her to notice me.
I saw her wearing band-tees and although I didn't know most of them, I did know one band. I loved the band and that made me assume we were having the same taste in music.
So then I grew a crush on her, trying to be randomly near her. My friends were in the same grade as her, whereas I was one grade above them(still am) so I hoped I would get in contact with her through them but during the 2 months I had known my friends they never had anything to do with her. My hopes sank until one morning she helped me with my Spanish homework. I think she had never noticed me before. And she didn't really notice me then. I was just some random girl needing help.

My crush grew bigger without even know anything about her, besides her taste in music and what that might say about her, as well as some basic facts.

I went crazy having a crush on someone I didn't know. I ended up telling a friend and asking him what he knew about her and if he knew if she was gay. He said he didn't have anything to do with her but promised he would try finding something out. He forgot, but that's okay. I watched her everyday in school, noticed her circle of friends and where she would be at school. I found out she had a brother.

I think I briefly talked to her once or twice, before I went to the open house of our school just because I was hoping to meet her. She was a person that was really involved. She actually was there, because of the first aid club she participates in. I talked to her for a few hours and we had quit some fun. She knew who I was from that day on.
In school I seeked her attention. But I was afraid of her friends. I stared at her. Followed her around school. I was afraid her friends might notice. We talked every now and then.

I got jealous of one of her close friends. I thought they might be a couple and made an Instagram account to ask him if he had a girlfriend and if she was gay. He actually answered me after I convinced him I actually knew her and had had conversations with her before. Of course I "asked for a friend".

During easter break- I currently was in London- she created an Instagram account and messaged me through it. We chatted on there for a day or two until she asked for my phone number(shit, my heart went wild). We continued writing via WhatsApp for two weeks, then the break ended. We exchanged our favorite books when we were back at school. I tried talking to her but finding topics was hard when around her friends instead of alone in a chat. We still chatted every day after school. I made a list with reasons why I liked her to proof me I truly had a crush that wasn't superficial. I think I actually started collecting reasons weeks before that. Anyways, a few weeks later, after I had thought about telling her about my feelings like a thousand times, I actually told her. It was via chat, which I hated. But I just couldn't do it any other way. She told me she didn't see me that way but wanted to continue being friends. If you want to say I've been friendzoned, go ahead. I don't care.

We continued being friends, but it got awkward for me because maybe I still had hopes. I don't know. I started having contact with her less. In school we flashed smiles and said hello. Sometimes we wrote via WhatsApp. We didn't have much contact. I thought maybe I was getting over her. I actually thought of telling my friends that I didn't have a crush on her anymore as some form of a sign. A signal to myself to stop caring too much. But I felt like her smile towards me had changed. And it gave me hope. Stupid hope. When a close friend of mine told me he was invited to her birthday party, I realized I had to do something. I hadn't even realized he spend time with her because- in fact- they only sometimes talked to each other in school during the breaks. The day I found out he was invited, I freaked out. I cried in Spanish class and I cried so much, I had to leave the room to calm down. That afternoon, I texted her. We chatted all afternoon until I asked her if we were still friends she said she didn't know. I said that we hadn't talked in a while, but that it's said that a friendship could handle it. So we decided we were still friends and she invited me to her birthday party.

Needless to say at this point, that I completely freaked out of happiness. I also overthought everything that had to do with the party.

We talked in school and we chatted after school. It was like before. In school when I talked to her, her friends didn't know me, but I tried fitting in with them while being myself around her. I don't like changing myself around the one I like. I remember some pretty award conversations but also some pretty informative and interesting ones.

Eventually, today was her birthday party.

Do you still remember her friend I thought was her boyfriend?

As her best friend, of course he was there. And my close friend who was invited- I also mentioned him earlier- mentioned how they always seem to be a couple and I got really jealous and sad and stopped participating in the conversation(it just was too much of an effort, it was hard for me before that but it just got worse). I thought a lot without knowing about what and without coming to any conclusion. I always looked at her, trying not to make it obvious. Later tonight when we weren't outside anymore, she sometimes looked at me(even when I didn't speak), which confused me.

I have hope but I wish I didn't. I know it's irrational. I know I shouldn't have it. I still do.

I feel like I left out way too much but I can't put it in order and I am really tired. It's 4 a.m.

Goodnight.