[iMessage]

Ate Van 🌷

October 11, 12:02 a.m.

Vina nakauwi ka na ba?
Ano sinakyan mo?

Pauwi pa lang ate
Kasabay ko si Jalil
Sumakay kami ng uv

Okay
Ingat kayo pareho
Message ka ulit sa akin kapag nakauwi ka na

Oki ate

[Instagram]

~

She had her headphones on.

Jalil was trying not to give her too much of his attention. But he wanted to talk to her. To ask her if she's okay. To know how she was doing after ending things up with him.

But every little courage he had flew out the window when she put her headphones on.

He was then reminded of her list. Of the boundaries he was supposed to mind.

It's not usually so hard for him to ask questions. But when it comes to her, there will always be an asterisk on the confidence he was supposed to have. He never backs out, never buckles, never had his hands cold and tremble in fear. If he ever did, then, it's not something he couldn't mask with humor.

But everything is different when it comes to her. Alanganin din si Vina na sumabay sa kanya pauwi kanina kahit pa alam niyang hindi rin 'yon sanay mag-commute. Palagi siyang hatid-sundo ng mga magulang o kaya ng mga kapatid niya. Kung hindi naman, si Jalil ang kasabay niyang umuwi. She has never truly gone alone.

And she didn't even mind trying to go home on her own earlier. Jalil even had to talk her into it. He doesn't want to push it anymore, he might already be out of luck.

He sighed. He noticed her hand sitting free on her lap. If things weren't so different, he'd just simply take her hand, slipping his fingers in the lonely spaces in between like he normally does.

The warmth of their touch colliding, and seemingly, reassuring enough to make her feel safe.

He bit the inside of his cheek. He could still draw out how soft her hands against his at the back of his mind. And he could still draw out how she would slowly run her thumb on his knuckles as if it was her turn to reassure him. To make him feel safe.

A sigh escaped on his lips again.

It wasn't déjà vu. It was a feeling out of a memory.

Something they have done many times. And perhaps, something they might have taken for granted that surely feels like luxury now.

Ilang taon at ilang beses din naman silang sabay umuwi dati. But this was the first time ever since the break-up.

It wasn't long enough since that one afternoon when Vina broke it all off at the coffee shop they used to spend their vacant time together. He couldn't even go there anymore, and he missed eating their favorite carbonara and bread pudding.

But time might have dragged out for far too much. Two weeks seemed too long without her. It doesn't feel like weeks or months, or even lightyears.

Because no enough measure of time equates to how much he misses her. Every day. Every morning. Every night. Every second.

All the time.

And he was not used missing her like that. He wasn't used missing her knowing that he couldn't do anything about it.

It was unfair.

Vina bopped her head a bit hard on the window by her side. She didn't notice herself falling asleep. Napalingon naman si Jalil sa kanya.

She cleared her throat. Inayos niya rin ang pagkakasandal ng ulo niya sa bintana saka muling pinikit ang mga mata. He didn't say anything. But he watched her for the next few minutes of their ride home.

A faint smile crossed his lips. Of course, hindi mawawala kay Vina na makakatulog siya sa biyahe. Given that it's also past midnight. For sure she's exhausted, too. Nakakapagod din naman kasi 'yong review na ginawa nila kanina.

The driver of the UV failed to notice the bump on the road. May ilang kasabay sila Jalil na nagulat dahil doon.

"Sorry, sorry!" sabi ng driver. Tinaasan niya rin kaunti ang ilaw niya dahil medyo madilim sa eskinitang dinaanan nila.

Muntik ding mauntog ulit si Vina sa bintana. But Jalil was quick enough to place his hand on her head before it could hit the window again.

"Vi . . ." he called. But she was still asleep.

Vina unknowingly placed her head against his shoulder . . . just like before.

Just like always.

She also slipped her arm so she could cling onto him, and it was the most natural thing she has ever did for the night.

A sigh escaped his lips again.

Tulog si Vina. Baka hindi niya alam. Baka nalimutan niya.

He knows what to do. He should remove her arm around him, he should remove her head on his shoulder. He should let her go.

But what if . . . just for tonight, he would allow himself take all these things? Dahil baka huli na, baka hindi na maulit.

"Ja," she called. Her eyes were still closed.

He couldn't even begin how much he missed her calling him that way.

"Malapit na ba?" tanong niya. Vina wiggled her head, almost burying her face in the crook of his neck so she could lay comfortably against him.

The way his scent filled her nose made her breathing even more steady. Jalil hitched his breath.

"Medyo malayo pa, Vi," sagot niya. But he didn't hear from her anymore. Mukhang antok na antok na rin kasi si Vina kahit pa nakainom siya ng kape kanina.

Her hand was sitting free on his lap now.

And maybe, it's all right to give into his whims. Ngayon lang naman. Hindi naman siguro masama.

The breath he was holding gradually escaped his lips the moment he laced their fingers together.

There he was. In the middle of the night, when half the world was already sleeping, the beating in his chest was slow yet profound. It was keeping him up together with the scent of ocean mist lingering in her hair.

It was so loud, he could feel it in his throat.

Mariing napalunok si Jalil. He tried to succumb the aching in his chest when Vina groaned softly.

Napalingon agad si Jalil sa kanya. He thought he woke her up, but Vina only adjusted her head again. Now her lips was a hair away from touching his jaw. And Jalil couldn't help but shiver when her breath grazed along his skin. It was making his senses go haywire.

"Vi," he called her again. Pero hindi naman nagising si Vina.

Ayaw niya rin namang magising si Vina. Because he knows this would be all over the moment she wakes up.

And he knows he couldn't do anything else with the boundaries she imposed.

There was nothing left for him to have aside from this moment.

So if he could give her a soft kiss on her hair, he already did. And if he could rest his head against hers and close his eyes for a minute, he did too.

Hindi na siya nagdalawang-isip pa.

Bahala na, he thought.

He inhaled her scent once again, hoping that the time could stay still. For the minutes and seconds to stretch out so they could stay like this.

He hoped that the moment could last longer.

And if fate permits, then, forever.