So... My mom is apparently going to Alaska for more than 2 weeks?... I'm... Scared... For so many reasons... For both her and me...
Because so many things can go wrong... And I also have really bad separation anxiety... And my mind has just been going through thousands and thousands of horrible possibilities... And the pounding in my head and the ringing in my ears... Is just so much... Any little thing can tip me over into a bad anxiety attack... I haven't been able to sleep at night, going to bed at 4 in the morning then waking up at 8 then taking a 6 hour nap...
My Anxiety has been everywhere, as has my depression and most days it's so hard to get out of bed in the morning, cause there isn't a point, is there? Nothing benefits from it. The only thing that benefits from it is my parents thoughts of me. They think I'm a waste of space and just another thing to waste there money. I know what they truly think about me. I can feel they're disappointment. Their judgmental stares. I feel it all.
And I try to stay strong, I really do, but it's always so hard. And sometimes I just want to end it all. All the pain. But then I have thought that if I kill myself I'll go to hell and so that makes me so mad at God for even putting us on this world, and why he doesn't allow us to die when we want to. And when we're at our lowest point he never gives us any help.
And I know I know I know that people have it so much worse and it makes me feel so horrible cause I know I can't do fucking anything about it. I know I shouldn't be ranting right now cause so many people have it so much worse. I know I shoudnt be ranting cause it makes people worry. I know I need to stay strong. I know I know I know. And I know how sick you all must be reading this.
And then there's my dad. I love him so much but I know he doesn't return it for me. I see his disappointment. I see it all. I love him so much and it makes me feel so mad when he doesn't feel the same for me. And when moms gone he gets so mad and I can't do anything about it but hide and hear my brothers screams because I'm selfish. All I ever do is hide and I hate it. I hate how scared I am of him. I hate how he's turning my brothers to be mad like him. I hate it I hate it I hate it
And then there's my friends... I feel their pain but can't do anything about it. Because I'm weak. At least that's what they tell me... I have so many toxic friends but never do anything about it cause I'm weak and I just let them cause I know what they say is true.
Then my girlfriend... My beautiful, wonderful girlfriend... I... Can't talk to her... Cause I know she won't be able to do anything about it and I know she'll hate me... Just like everyone does. Just like I do. And I never get to see her cause of my fucking parents.
Then there's my councillor but I can't talk to her cause I have trust issues. And she's a homophobe.
And I just... Hate everything right now...