03. we burst like stars

ー

one-sided
pakunoda-chrollo,
seven deadly sins.

&

GREED
[ a selfish desire to have more of something. ]

Pakunoda would be lying if she said she wasn't contented with what she had.

She was never the type to want more than what she already had in possession. If she did, she'd wait in patience, until it comes crashing down to her. And then, she'd be fine again.

Unfortunately when it came to Chrollo, she was never content.

She wasn't a fan of displaying her affection publicly. Pakunoda would want the feeling to subside and keep it all to herself, longing for the other in a secret fashion she loathed. She wanted his soft chuckles for herself. She needed more of his cynical attitude more than she ever let on. She badly required his approval in anything she did it was becoming ludicrous.

Those soft locks of ebony left Pakunoda in awe. She wanted nothing more than to touch it, to feel more of it, with a look so luscious, so inviting, who would not want to close the distance?

Pakunoda was a thief after all; she should be allowed to be greedy for once.

- - -

ENVY
[ the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has. ]

Pakunoda did not lead the ideal life.

Sure, she had riches at her feet and power not all achieved - but she certainly did not lead a life worth wanting.

A criminal on the run, guilt constantly coming to add in addition to her already tainted conscience?

So she never understood why she envied Chrollo.

Him, again.

He was also the same as her. A criminal, even more than she is. A thief respectively, with qualms of his own that Pakunoda did not dare to compare hers. He never did have a life marked as envious, but he had a mental capacity that made her think twice.

Chrollo held on more than people knew. He had his own mental battles yet no one really paid attention. Always a self-sacrificial sac that he always forgot about himself and end up regretting it later. Or maybe he never regretted the decisions he made because it made him, him in the first place. It lead to the Troupe; while not the best moralistic people, were his family in the long run.

Pakunoda only wished she could do the same as him - win her inner battles.

- - -

LUST
[ to have intense desire or need; to crave specifically. ]

Pakunoda always found herself enchanted with Chrollo's eyes.

His gaze held the most focused, softest shade of faded obsidian swimming in an ocean of the same colored gems.

She wanted nothing more but to get carried away by his irises. To get lost deep within, to the point that she would forget who she was momentarily, before getting sucked back to reality.

His eyes held emotion she'd never quite seen before.

They took on the virtual shape of unshed promise that Pakunoda mistook herself as a fool, thinking she could hold her stare towards those toxic eyes she eventually found herself calling home.

She'd do anything just to see those orbs soften at the sound of her name.

Anything for those eyes.

- - -

WRATH
[ strong anger or indignantion. ]

Pakunoda always blamed herself for everything.

To her, all of the things that went wrong in her life was caused by hasty decisions and immature beliefs. The Troupe was a mistake; but it was a mistake she'd take everyday.

Instead, she was angry at herself for being such a controllable fool. With just one word of Chrollo's, she swayed out of her main priorities and goals and blinded herself to follow him like a loyal guard. She did it without regret for all these years, she wouldn't start regretting them now.

But that didn't mean the anger subsided.

Despite herself, she loathed everyone equally.

For respective reasons, of course.

Some she hated for being controlled; others she abhored for being the one in control.

No one was the mediator.

It was to use or to be used. Most would climb up to the top of the ladder to try and put a leash over others, to save their own skin. Pakunoda never did that. She just let him trample over her, and the worst part is she did not grieve for her choice.

Pakunoda found that infuriating.

- - -

SLOTH
[ the quality or state of being lazy and often tired. ]

Pakunoda was not lazy - that much she knew.

She was loyally a hard-working and a self-serving woman.

When she had nothing to do, she still kept herself busy. She believed that time should not be wasted and should be given importance. 'Do a lot of things while you still can', could really serve as her life motto.

But to Chrollo, she found herself dwindling.

Chasing after his shadow was tiring.

It made her want to stop, to rest, to just lay in a couch and do nothing. Think about what she's done and perhaps, try to amend her sins.

It did nothing good to her - to give vague affection to Chrollo, her leader, their leader. If anything it gave her anguish. Yet as the masochist she gradually sees herself to be, it wasn't all that bad. For the dread he gave Pakunoda equalled the bliss. She was content, seeing him from afar. Following him in his desires for the Troupe.

It was okay.

But Pakunoda really did find herself grow tired.

- - -

GLUTTONY
[ excessive indulgence or want of an object or person. ]

Pakunoda wanted nothing more than for him to achieve his happiness.

She set her goal on that particular happening. To find Chrollo in a real, genuine smile while he looked at the Troupe equally with those eyes he prided himself in.

(Because, of course, anything for those eyes.)

Pakunoda has spent a lot of her time trying to give him reasons to be happy, that she almost neglected her work. One could say she was too caught up with her endeavor to make a certain person feel mirth amidst the chaos ensuing.

Perhaps she was a bit of a fool to think he would find any joy in all of the ruckus.

However, all Pakunoda really ever wanted was to be the reason for his smile.

- - -

PRIDE
[ a feeling of superiority amongst others in general. ]

Pakunoda was a naturally prideful person.

She'd never admit anything that could cause her grief; or a damage to her ego.

Let's take her growing feelings for Chrollo.

She never told him anything about it. She never really told anyone. Not even the females of the Troupe. The reason was she had been uncertain of Chrollo - it was not set in stone that he will reciprocate the said feelings, and she would not take the risk of saying it (why would she?) just to get herself hurt (and broken), and wound her selfdom. No; she wouldn't take it.

Other times, she wanted to, but she never really did it.

Pakunoda's pride stood taller than it needed to be.

- - -

LOVE
[ adoration; very strong liking. ]

Pakunoda always wondered why love wasn't a part of the so-called Seven Deadly Sins.

Was it not a sin to fall in love?

She would admit she felt greed, envy, lust, wrath, sloth, gluttony and pride all for her 'love' (maybe it was only for the lack of a better term) for Chrollo. All the major reasons for her sins rooted from the unexplainable feeling, it started becoming stupendous. She didn't understand.

Love was a sin.

No matter what people said, it always will be.

People may say Kurapika was the reason for her death.

But she sacrificed herself for the safety of Chrollo. Again.

Love was deadly.

It was a deadly sin that needs to avoided. It was toxic; a poison she should have never inhaled.

Yes - love was a deadly sin.

For she took a bullet for the same person who pulled the trigger.

ー

[s.] a one-sided pakuchrollo pining, which pakunoda is hopelessly (and sadly) in love with chrollo, and chrollo does not return the said... affections. was supposed to be a hisochrollo mutual pining oneshot.