In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

'Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon our beloved Prophet and Master Muhammad (s.a.s), all his blessed descendents and noble companions.'

- Aameen.

Dedicated to AzraaRazmin for her most beautiful tribute to IYL and IHL, Jazak Allaahu khairan katheeran katheera!

Chapter Five

my Ishq for Him and His for me

Allaah Subhanahu wa ta'Ala says - "ya 'abdi (O My servant)! I'm, by your right, a lover of you. So, be you, by My right upon you, a lover of me!"

Kerala, India

وَأَنَّ سَعْيَهُ سَوْفَ يُرَىٰ

Wa anna sa'yahu saufa yuraa

(And that his efforts (deeds) will soon be seen),"

The elderly Ustad paused in his recitation and slowly said the ayah's meaning, his finely wrinkled hand stroking his long snowy beard in a habitual gesture.

His bushy eyebrows were equally snowy and hid his bright eyes from others; unless he chose to reveal them suddenly, which he did when he became angry. But most of his students preferred to obey his commands rather than meet the sudden sharp gaze that pierced into one's soul and seemed to take note of all the shortcomings.

"In other words, outer actions of a person are not sufficient," The drooping eyebrows lifted a little and the keen glance swept over his assembled students who sat listening in solemn attention. "Allaah SWT will take into account the real, inner motive and driving force behind them whether they were performed with the sincerity of purpose, or they were done with some ulterior motive. Our Prophet Muhammad Sallallaahu 'alaihi wa Sallam said,"

The Ustad's serious tone altered and softened unconsciously as he mentioned the Mubarak (blessed) name of the beloved Nabi SAW. His students did not look at him directly yet they felt that his eyes had misted as he gently said the words of Rahmatullil 'Alameen,

إِنَّمَا الأَعْمَالُ بِالنِّيَّةِ

" Innamal 'amaalu bin niyat

'Actions shall be judged only by the intentions.'

"That is, the outer aspect of actions is not sufficient." He repeated. "The inner aspect is also necessary. Actions must be performed purely for the good pleasure of Allaah SWT and in compliance with His command." The silver-white head gave a nod before continuing with the Tafseer that he was teaching,

وَأَنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ الْمُنتَهَىٰ

"Wa anna ila Rabbikal muntaha

(And that to your Lord (Allaah) is the End (Return of everything).)

"This means that ultimately everyone," he shook his forefinger warningly. "...will return to Allaah on the Day of Resurrection, and give an account of his actions."

"Some of the commentators interpret that this statement purports to say that the access of human thought and imagination ends with Allaah. The reality of His Being and attributes cannot be discovered by human imagination, because they are beyond conceptualization." For a moment, the bushy white brows lifted as the glance once again swiftly passed over his students.

"Thus, we are clearly prohibited from deliberating in His Being and His Attributes," the Ustad's tone sharpened in caution. "But there are narrations that tell us to ponder over the manifestation of His Attributes and bounties, and not to conceptualize His Being and His Attributes or Qualities, the reality of which should be left to the Divine Knowledge only.

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Wa annaHu Huwa adhaka wa abka

(And that it is He (Allaah) Who makes (whom He wills) laugh, and makes (whom He wills) weep.)

"Mankind experiences happiness and grief, and consequently laughing and weeping. Man assigns this to the secondary causes which refer to every existent thing in this universe, and that is where he ends the matter."

The snowy head shook at such folly of his fellow beings.

"If we analyze carefully and profoundly, the whole system of cause and effect ends with Allaah, the Primary and Supreme Cause." His voice again gentled yet he continued gravely,

"No secondary cause makes anyone happy or sad, nor does it make him to laugh or weep. Both of these things are created by Allaah. He created the series of secondary causes and effects in our finite world. But as the Primary and Supreme Cause, He can at any moment make the laughing person weep, and make the weeping person laugh. How well it has been versified in this couplet!" The Ustad gave a sudden smile as he queried the lines in a wondering tone,

"What have You whispered to the ear of a flower (O Allaah) whereby it is smiling?

And what have You said to the nightingale (O Allaah) whereby it is weeping all the times?"

The class ended soon after but the dispersing students halted for a second when their teacher's voice rang out sharply,

"Saifullaah, you may remain!"

The students exchanged glances, and Tabrez, one of Saif's close friends raised his brows in amused inquiry. Saif slightly shrugged before turning back to his Ustad. "Maybe he wants to know why you..."

Tabrez's whispered words and annoying smirk was wiped out when the Ustad spoke again,

"And you too Tabrez Khan!"

Saif's lips twitched but he stood respectfully before his elder and wise teacher, while his friend reluctantly joined beside him.

"Sit down," The Ustad ordered, yet his voice less harsh now, almost kind.

"About the last week tests," both the men before him shifted uneasily. "Your performances are excellent -" they heaved grateful inward sighs - "But..." the two friends prepared to hear the worst. "I expect much more from you two, so keep up the hardwork! And you both know Naasirudeen?" they nodded in unison. "I want you two to help him in his research in shaa Allaah, it would be useful to you later."

"But Hazrat, our schedules are already tight," Saif began apologetically.

"Make time!" it was a command.

"Of course Ustad." They agreed immediately.

"I heard that you became engaged young man," this was to Tabrez, who stammered a reply, his ears turning pink.

Saif fought to keep his face straight, and did not dare look at his friend in the fear of bursting into laughter.

"And what about you Saifullaah, when are you getting married?"

The laughter disappeared. But the black eyes still danced as they lowered and gazed at the worn desk before him.

"Not so soon Ustad."

"No? Murad told me what his heart wished."

The dark gaze lifted and met his teacher's penetrating glance beneath the shaggy white brows. It fell again, and an amused smile touched Saif's lips as he quietly said,

"I was surprised and of course honoured about that,"

He felt Tabrez laughing softly and shot him a side glare. That only made his friend grin wider. Even their Ustad was smiling broadly.

"But I said to Ustad Murad that I cannot say or decide anything without speaking to my parents."

Their teacher nodded in approval. "That goes without saying. Even if they agree, you don't want it early eh?"

"I don't plan to marry before finishing my studies..."

"Unlike your friend here I see, who's thinking of marrying...?"

"Soon Hazrat soon," Tabrez replied with a ready grin. There was no stammering or hesitation now. His teacher and friend laughed. "But my parents keep on saying to wait further, even after I pointed out to them that I have waited nearly whole of my life -"

"You're young after all," Still smiling the Ustad waved his wrinkled hand in dismissal, "you'll survive some more years. But about you," the snowy brows lifted and the bright gaze pinned Saif in a long, queer look as he said softly,

وَيَمْكُرُونَ وَيَمْكُرُ اللَّهُ ۖ وَاللَّهُ خَيْرُ الْمَاكِرِين َ

"Wayamkuroona wayamkurul Laah wAllaahu khayrul maakireen"

(But they plan, and Allaah plans. And Allah is the best of planners.)

And when they both left, it was not Tabrez's teasing that Saif heard but his teacher's recitation that echoed in his mind. And he couldn't help but wonder what unexpected plan Allaah had for his life.

***

Minnesota, U.S.A.

"If you ever want to sell your hair Maryam, just gimme a call," Bilqis begged and sighed in rapture, imagining such a moment when she would own this gorgeous locks of auburn hair that she was stroking reverently. Maryam smiled, sharing an amused look with Rumaiza who was sniggering. Taseen shattered her friend's dream by remarking dryly,

"And what will you do with those masses of beauty Billiqi? Hang them in the closet? For it's clearly not allowed in Islam to use real hair extensions -"

Bilqis shot a baleful glare. "Can't a girl dream?"

"Of course by all means," Taseen grinned, backing away. "But's it's the duty of her friends to see that she dreams good er... halal dreams."

Bilqis snorted, Maryam and Rumaiza laughed. They had all gathered that evening in Bilqis' house - in the room that she shared with her younger sister Zohra, and as Maryam could constantly hear snatches of others' conversation, shouts or footsteps running up and down in the corridor and nearby staircase, she thought that this was a house, which clearly did not know the meaning of silence.

And that made her like it very much indeed for having had lived without siblings or close friends all her life, and also even though her own home had not exactly been a mausoleum all these years, nor had it been a haven of joy.

"So you got any reply?" Rumaiza asked Maryam and saw the smile fade abruptly. Maryam shook her head in gloom.

"No. I guess he's not that active in fb. Besides, he still hasn't accepted my request...and I don't know whether he's related to my father or not, he has the family name of Khan, which of course thousand others has too," she stated wryly. "But the only positive thing is he now resides in that area where Abba lived some twenty-five years back..."

"You googled your other relation names huh?" Taseen scratched her forehead. All this searching for unseen relatives was very interesting no doubt, but ya Allaah! Sometimes it felt so frustrating and a waste of time. Maryam had already tried the more than two-decade-old telephone number, yielding no result, which of course was not a big surprise.

She had become ecstatic upon learning from Sufyaan that he had an elder sister, then two younger brothers.

"An aunt! A real wonderful aunt!" she had squealed delightedly. "And uncles too! Two real uncles! Not some older guy who looks like your dad and so you're obliged to call him uncle but... two great awesome chachas (paternal younger uncle) of my own!"

She had hugged him and danced around their home smiling sunnily, trying to still the beautiful feeling that was overwhelming her heart with bliss. To have sisters and brothers like your own, near your age too -who cares if they were your first cousins? Maryam just knew she would love them all dearly like her very own siblings.

But her sunny feeling dimmed a little when her father continued that even though his sister had been married when he had left for U.S., he knew nothing about his brothers' families now. Nor he knew whether his parents were still alive or not.

"After my marriage to your mother," Sufyaan had said in an indifferent tone, yet Maryam knew he cared still, deeply too. "They, especially my father, literally renounced me. He didn't want anything to do with me. I had 'disgraced him' were his only words then. He didn't allow me to speak to anyone else, not even to Ammi... he was the household head and what he said was law. None disobeyed, or perhaps nobody cared enough to keep in touch or to contact... I sent so many letters and called too...when you were born -" A sudden look of anguish crossed his eyes and seeing it his daughter felt as if her own heart had been stabbed.

"Abba it's alright," Maryam had pressed his arm, rubbing her cheek against his sleeve. He pulled her close to his chest, stroking her hair absently.

"It's not alright sweetheart, it was never alright. Abbajaan will never forget what I did. And what he hasn't forgotten, he won't forgive!"

"But -"

"There was someone ... a girl, daughter of Abbajaan's close friend. Since our childhood, it was an unspoken agreement that our two families would join. She was like my betrothed I guess. But they never asked me whether I wanted to marry her or not! Nor do I believe they asked her... it wasn't that I disliked her - it was just...whenever I thought of it, it stifled me badly... made me rebellious I guess, if only he had consulted my opinion -" Sufyaan gave a little bleak smile. "That's why I jumped at the chance to come here when Shahid maama (maternal uncle) offered me a partnership in his shop. But he... well, he died suddenly and... left me what he had... and then I --

"I met your mother and as you know now, the rest is history. But if not for you," the pain receded in his eyes as he gazed at his daughter with every bit of love that he possessed. "I would have never taken the first step trying for reconciliation after all these years.

"Since I married your mother, they didn't care or bother to find out even once what had happened to me, whether I lived or died. I know how you feel about the lack of a real family my dear heart, and that's why for you, I would at least try to learn how my siblings and parents are doing now..."

Yet until today, their various methods to learn more about his family had been unsuccessful and as Maryam answered Taseen's question, one could easily see the disappointment written large on her face.

"Unless someone goes there to Hyderabad to check in person -" Rumaiza thoughtfully mused, hugging close a pillow.

"That we can't easily afford," Bilqis pointed out the obvious before suggesting her own thoughts, "Yet how about asking someone who already lives there to make a trip to that place and nose around a bit?"

For answer, Maryam rewarded her by a dazzling smile.

"Billiqi you're a treasure! I'll try that next. I have some Indian friends on SNS. I'll check who lives in Hyderabad and somehow will beg them to help me in shaa Allaah..."

"We'll all help," Rumaiza said, warmed by her friend's sudden sparkling face. "Remember I have Indian roots too."

"Thank you!" Maryam gave another dazzling smile. "You're a..."

But Bilqis interrupted her sternly. "Hey don't say treasure, coz that's only meself. A rare beautiful gem, yup, that's me!"

Taseen giggled. Rumaiza rolled her eyes but Maryam hugged her. "You're you're my darling. You all are!"

Bilqis returned the hug saying in a coaxing tone, "And you'll give me your hair Mary lamb?"

Taseen answered her by giving a slight smack.

"Ow."

The others laughed, and then continued to plan about the next step Maryam ought to take. Their discussion ended when Bilqis' mother entered carrying a plate full of warm chocolate chip cookies.

She beamed at the girls, told them to eat, quickly surveyed the room and gave a stern look at Bilqis that said you-should-have-tidied-the-room-more to which Bilqis whined dramatically about her younger sister,

"But ma, it's not my fault if she messes the room the next minute I have cleaned it up!"

Her mother only pursed her lips and gave another look until she yielded grumbling, 'okay okay I'll clean'.

Her friends smiled, then Rumaiza and Maryam thanked for the snack, "Jazak Allaahu khair aunty!"

Taseen joined them with a "Thank you!" so Bilqis mumbled too, "Yea yea thanks ma."

The older woman shook her head at her daughter's manners before disappearing.

"I can never understand how she makes me do things with just a look!" Bilqis groaned.

They laughed, yet nevertheless fully agreed with her rumpled feelings. Soon, everything was forgotten as they dug into the delicious cookies, weaving their plans for finding Maryam's relatives that were fast becoming almost fantastic.

"Hey Maryam did you really make this?" it was Zohra, the infamous younger sister who shared the room with Bilqis. She stood there near the door looking very much impressed, holding in her hands a lovely sky-blue Hijab with tiny white roses stitched in it.

Maryam smiled, nodding.

"And that's not for you, it's mine!" Bilqis announced, snatching it from her. It had been a gift from Maryam some days back.

Zohra glared at her sister, and then turned her attention back to Maryam.

"Do you think you could make one for me? Just like I want? I will pay of course."

Bilqis tried not to roll her eyes.

"I will try." Maryam replied after some hesitation. For instinct told her that it would be difficult to satisfy and achieve the exact taste of this young teen.

"Thanks," Zohra flashed a smile. "We'll talk about it later then? Not here with all unwanted people listening," she muttered looking at her sister, then with a displeased sniff left the room.

Taseen sniggered and asked Rumaiza, "Are you sure she didn't include us two in her 'unwanted people' category?"

Rumaiza grinned in response. "Maybe."

"Of course she did." Bilqis teased. "I top the list and you two come next... I won't deny she's sometimes such a pain in the a**, but I'll agree she's good as gold too. You guys should just listen to how she -"

Taseen raised a hand, interjecting her. "Billiqi, does your family come under some special unknown group of the annoying periodic table which we used to mug up in chemistry class? Some time before you confessed you're a gem, now you describe your sister as gold ..." Taseen grinned, as the others laughed.

In reply, Bilqis stuck her tongue out, and then went back to her interrupted narrative.

So, they all exchanged stories about their siblings except Maryam who listened with a soft smile, yet the yearning for her own too seemed to crush her heart.

Rumaiza sensed it first, and immediately changed the topic saying brightly,

"Hey how's everybody coping with the Qada prayers?"

Since the past fortnight, the four had started a Salah challenge. To urge each other towards doing good, and to see who among them performed all five prayers every single day -not even one Qada (missed) Salah should be there for a whole month. Which was indeed tough as Maryam attended the Uni the whole day and the others of course had high school etc., but they did not baulk and also decided that the one who succeeds would get a special treat, from the money pooled by the other three.

Such a challenge among them did not only jazz up their Salah times but was also hugely rewarding, considering the Niyyah is to please Allaah 'Az wa Jal.

It all started when Taseen had recounted a story to Maryam, which the other two friends were already aware of,

"So I, Sara and all the others cousins, only girls, 'cause you know how boys are," she gave a speaking look. "They don't sit inside a room for ten minutes without fidgeting unless they have some gadget in their hands. But to sit quietly and listen to Dadi as she spun stories and narrated long bygone incidents...only we girls enjoyed that very much; especially Sara and me as we would be coming back here from Pakistan when the vacation ended... and this story I remember clearly because there was a power shut down that night. We ate a hot amazing dinner and we girls all gathered around our Dadi with the candlelight flickering in the darkness. Some were using mobile phones and the glow from their screens here and there cast queer shadows as Dadi began slowly in her gentle soothing voice,

"Long long ago, there was a great ruler who conquered and ruled many cities. His kingdom extended from Kabul and included Lahore, Bengal, Delhi and many other regions. A splendid Sultan (King), he founded and established the Delhi Sultanate!

During this Sultan's reign, the Sufi saint Hazrat Khwaaja Qutbuddin Bakhtiar Kaki rahmatullah alayhi moved and settled in Delhi. He and his family lived in extreme poverty. Though he was a famous saint, being the disciple of Khwaaja Mu'inuddin Chishti rahmatullah alayhi, he did not involve himself with the government or rulers and lived a life of severest simplicity... even if there was no food at his home, he never turned away any needy person and somehow did his best to help. Whatever was donated to him by people, he spent everything on Sadaqah the very same day.

Huge number of people attended his majlis (gathering) where he held discourses and taught his disciples and masses to have complete trust in Allaah SWT, to treat all human beings as equal and to help them as much as possible.

So months flew by, and finally there came a day when he suddenly fainted upon hearing some poetic verses of Sheikh Ahmed e Jami, which depicted the Ishq of Allaah -three days after that he passed away.

Many people mourned this great loss. His casket had to be brought to a ground where there were many shuyookh, pious individuals and countless followers who had gathered to perform the Salaatul Janazah and pay homage to him.

When it was time to read the janaazah salaah, a man came forward and said:

"Khwaaja Bakhtiar Kaki rahmatullah alayhi has left a will. In it, he has asked to convey his final wishes to all of you present here for the Salaah. He wishes that the only person who can lead his funeral prayer is the person who had been chaste all his life and never missed the four sunnah of Asr and he should have prayed every Salah with Jamaath, without ever missing the Takbeer-e-Tahreema!"

The whole gathering became shocked and still. They looked around trying to see who had these qualities. They were all quite sure that none of them possessed these qualities. Time elapsed and nobody came forward. Finally, a disciple of his walked upto the casket with tears in his eyes.

Standing upon the prayer mat, he said quietly: "I swear by Allaah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala that I fulfilled all of these requirements. I never wished to make my worship habits public but the final wish of Hadhrat Khawaja has to be fulfilled."

The people stared at this man in awe and disbelief. They never imagined that anyone could have led such a virtuous life. But here was such a one standing before them, in front of their very sight - and leading them in Salah!

And thus the story ends."

"But Dadi who was he really?" we girls had cried. Even the boys were listening for the answer as they too had followed the story, sitting there in the dark.

"Didn't you guess my children? Why, it was the great Sultan of the Kingdom - Shams-ud-din Altamash himself who led the janaazah Salah!"

"So yea that was the story...," Taseen had smiled, seeing Maryam's engrossed look.

"Great huh?" Bilqis grinned.

"Awesome! But this is awesome Tas. Why can't we strive to be like that too?"

"To be so pious? To pray every Salah on time?" Rumaiza shook her head skeptically. "And don't even begin to me about Sunnah Salahs, I can barely manage with the Fard...!"

"It's not possible Mary lamb, not possible!"

Maryam did not agree. "Anything is possible! At least we can try, for Allaah SWT." She searched her friends' faces for some sign of His love that was slowly clutching her own heart and soul.

"Besides, compared to you three, I have already so many years of Qada Salah to make up. Can't we just focus on praying every Salah, what say huh?" Maryam asked, looking eagerly at her friends. Then with her dazzling smile, she said archly, "I challenge you all to pray every Salah daily for a month, without keeping even one Qada! Who's with me?"

"Okay okay count me in!"

"Nobody ever called this Queen Bilqis as a laggard, not when it comes to doing something to please Allaah, so yea, this gem is in!"

"And another gem too!"

Thus, everybody agreed catching Maryam's enthusiasm and smiling broadly, "But let's not include the pending Salah of past years. We'll keep that separate. Now, we'll just begin from tomorrow and see who for a whole month does not have even one Qada Salah!"

Thus, the challenge had begun -with the intention to please the Rabbul 'Alameen.

And now at Bilqis' home, the four heads came together as did their mobile phones. In brimming excitement, they all checked their Qada Salah app, where they honestly ticked their daily five prayers performance. Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly, Maryam was in the lead.

"Ughh I have three pending!" Bilqis grimaced.

"Me four!" Taseen admitted in self-disgust. Then suddenly, she eyed her friend in suspicion. "Maiza honey, how is that you have only two Qada? Were you not that evening with me at the practice?"

"I performed as soon as I reached home," Rumaiza grinned infuriatingly. Turning to Maryam, she warmly declared, "Congrats Maryam, you have only one ma shaa Allaah!"

"Alhamdulillaah," she thanked from her heart. "I'm trying not to have even that. It's very tough Maiza, especially Dhur and Asr at my Uni - but I always prep talk myself saying that when the great King himself who had an entire vast kingdom to control and was no doubt a truly busy man, when he could have found time to perform every Salah every day On Time, then why can't I?"

Her friends smiled in fond appreciation.

"Maryam, you're an inspiration!"

"Yes Mary lamb you're a boost to our Emaan -"

Maryam flinched visibly. "No praises please. You all know how they make me cringe, 'cause no one except Ar Raheem knows how my true state of Taqwa is..." No one spoke for a moment, then she smiled, the frown disappearing as she changed the topic and revealed, "Sister Ayesha called me, we had a nice long chat -"

"Ooh," the others cooed, remembering the bubbly cheery wife of the Imam from the Islamic Centre. Just thinking about Sister Ayesha put a smile on everyone's faces.

"What did she say?" Rumaiza moved closer towards Maryam. She was a big fan of the Imam's wife.

"Well just this and that. About her kids who had grown naughtier since the last month," the dark eyes twinkled humourously. "She spoke to me about Friday's khutbah...and assured me that it was alright for our Emaan to have highs and lows. I had told her about my depressed week...you girls know how it is at my Uni. For so long, I had wanted to learn about all there's to fashion designing... I even did modeling!" Maryam passed a hand over her eyes, where the humour had long vanished.

"And now I have finally got my wish fulfilled, we are learning everything there is about costumes, their history, designing etcetera but the irony is I'm no longer thrilled learning all that... once I would have been overjoyed but now I don't want to learn or design such clothes that are immodest! I... I don't know what to do," she gazed pensively, as if entangled in her troubled thoughts. "Abba has been very kind and supportive -"

"You have so much talent Maryam," Rumaiza's gentle words comforted hugely.

The others heartily echoed and Maryam sighed. "I do of course love to design and create anything that's related to clothes. But... something seemed to have changed here inside," she tried to laugh, her clenched fist thumping on her heart. "Last year, I didn't even know I'm a Muslim, now I can't even bring myself to go out without my Hijab..."

"I can understand Mary lamb," Bilqis smiled, her light-brown eyes twinkling sympathetically behind her glasses. Taseen bobbed her head in ready agreement, Rumaiza following suit.

Maryam answered the smile, expressing her deep gratefulness for their kindness. "You guys remember Ubah and the others?"

"Your Singaporean friends?" Taseen narrowed her eyes. She became a little jealous whenever Maryam made any mention of them. The others knew that, and had laughed when she admitted she didn't want to share Mary lamb with any other girls.

Maryam's smile deepened noting Taseen's reaction. "Yea. I spoke to them yesterday and they want me to come and join in their Uni, or at least to try in Malaysia. They're saying Hijabi fashion designers aren't such a novelty there, and I won't have to worry about making indecorous clothes... and they think that my creations are good and I could try for scholarship -"

"What? Leave us and go to them? No way!" Taseen erupted.

Bilqis rolled her eyes. "Tas it's not like that."

Rumaiza and Maryam shared indulgent grins.

"I didn't say I agreed to them," Maryam pacified her bristling friend. "First, there's my Abba. I can never just leave him - not after he had spent most of his life's savings in paying for my fees etc., here at this Uni and now me trying to think how to escape from it! But, jazak Allaahu khair y'all for the huge encouragement... I already feel so much better; don't let us worry about me, for now, let us have Hasbi Allaah!" she gave her enchanting smile but the next moment, her face turned alarmingly pale and the dark eyes became huge reflecting deep pain. Just a phrase ... and in a flashit evoked such carefully buried emotions!

"Hey Mary lamb, what's wrong?"

The others crowded around in concern.

"Nothing," Maryam smiled feebly, trying to gather her thoughts, trying to not think or wonder... even after so long, she knew he still had the power to hurt her, with just memories of him. "It's nothing,"

Her friends looked unconvinced.

"I was just - remembering someone. I didn't tell you all about her. Her name was Humaira Muskaan. Like Ubah and the other two, I met her during the cruise,"

"Another one?" Taseen bristled again.

The wan smile gave way to diverted laughter. "Oh now you have every right to be jealous Tas! I admire her hugely. She was the one who taught me all about Hasbi Allaah... and..." Maryam's voice mellowed, "and Sabrun Jameel. She was just so wonderful in everything she did... or perhaps she was merely simple, empathic and immensely kind... if I have to take someone as my role model from the present now, then I wish to be just like her!"

"You make her sound like she was perfect..." Taseen muttered, ignoring the others' smiles.

A wistful expression appeared on Maryam's face, "She was Tas, she was and I believe... she still is so."

***

Chennai, India

"That's silly. 'Course I'm not perfect. I have my flaws too, I don't see why you girls have put me on a pedestal," Humaira shook her head, bestowing an amused glance at her younger cousins scattered around her room.

"Beware, when my faults are made visible to you all, then you'll find the high pious image of mine shattering before you, but He SWT is Ar Rahman," she paused, almost whispering in awe when she spoke Allaah's Name, her face unconsciously lighting up and her eyes shining in intense love. "He hides them by His Mercy, for after all I'm a human being too..."

Anisa, the fourteen year old spoke first, looking in amazement at Humaira's face. "But Di you're always so good, so nice to everyone!"

"Yesh... you're sooooo cool Humair Di!" gushed Akifa, the twelve year old, gazing adoringly at her elder cousin.

Humaira chuckled and raised her brows at Abida, the eldest and sixteen year old sister who was looking at her gushing younger siblings with an assumed bored expression. For the moment, her attention was diverted from her most precious possession that rarely left her hand - her cell phone.

The three girls had two little brothers too, twins -- all children of Kadhija's cousin sister, Aunty Aaqila who with her husband and kids had come on a sudden unexpected visit for a few days. They lived in Puducherry, a coastal city near Tamil Nadu and had come now to Chennai to attend some wedding of their relations.

"It's tiring to be so good Humair Di," Abida drawled, "so I don't try much."

Humaira laughed. "Setting a bad example hmm?"

The bored look melted as the eldest grinned. "Not I. They teach me so many things that I'm not even aware of!"

The younger ones gazed back with wide innocent eyes.

"They don't look so," Humaira commented, suppressing a smile.

"Don't be fooled by their expression Di!"

"But Humair Di," Akifa ignored her elder sister's remarks and clutched Humaira's arm. "You say you've faults too. What are they please?"

"Akifa!" The eldest warned.

Humaira looked vastly entertained as she noted each sister's different expression.

Abida tried to pretend she wasn't embarrassed by Akifa's question, while Anisa was still regarding Humaira with open admiration.

"Well, there's a long long list. My first flaw is I have a sharp temper and if you girls keep on thinking that I'm some kind of angel, then you're going to find otherwise." Humaira warned severely.

They all grinned in disbelief.

"Humair Di you never become angry!" Akifa declared in earnest tones.

Humaira snorted. "For how long have you been here hmm? Just two days and you think you know me so well pet?"

"She is right though isn't she?" Anisa spoke up suddenly.

Humaira shook her head, now becoming tired of all this blind childish esteem.

"The problem with my temper is," Humaira began explaining her fault ruefully, the deep brown eyes dancing. "I regret the very next moment I become angry with someone, so it fizzles out without ever blowing off... and -"

Before she could complete her sentence, there came a crash from the hall outside, followed by boyish shrieks and delighted laughter with the noisy patter of running feet. They knew it was Adib and Adil with Umar who was entertaining them with his great imaginative games.

"- and that makes people think that I don't become angry at all, which is foolish of course, but enough of all thi-"

Again, she was interrupted by another crash, this time very loud. There were no gleeful yells now, only guilty silence.

Humaira sighed and called out,

"Umar Farooq, what did you break now?"

Umar appeared at the door, a sheepish grin on his face followed by the little twins with similar grins, making them look absolutely adorable.

"Humair Di, I didn't -" he looked at his followers and said loyally, "We didn't break anything. We were just playing but then the teapoy just overturned and the books all tumbled and the chair..."

Humaira intervened dryly, "And all happened just by itself?"

The girls who had been silent all this while giggled loudly.

With a fervent nod, Umar began again to prove their innocence, "Yes Humair Di we were just -

"Didi we have been good boys," Adil put in to help their leader. Adib nodded before breaking into a beguiling grin that clearly showed his missing front teeth. He came near Humaira and on impulse, threw his tiny arms around her legs, hugging her tightly and repeating his brother's words that they had not been naughty boys. Humaira ruffled his hair and said dimpling,

"All right you little imp, I agree with what you say, though there's no doubt evidence to prove otherwise. But no more playing here tonight," the little faces fell at her stern tone that had amusement laced through it, though they failed to detect it.

"We will all go to the terrace and play." They immediately brightened, breaking into wide grins. Adil followed his brother's gesture and hugged Humaira ecstatically. Umar was not behind, and so giving his sister a quick affectionate hug, he bounded down the stairs to inform his Ammi and others that Humair Di was taking them all to the terrace.

So up they went, and under the clear starry sky, Humaira spread a mat and the girls leisurely sprawled on it.

Umar and the twins begged their sisters to join in their imaginative game, and upon being refused for now, went their merry way playing and shouting around. Humaira kept a watchful eye on them as she listened with a tiny smile to the sisters' sudden squabble. Abida was scolding Anisa for having taken the cell phone from her without her permission.

"You don't fight with your sister Humair Di?" Akifa queried with a grin, inching closer to Humaira.

"I do sweetheart I do. And often too. All we don't do in our fights is to take broomsticks or saucepans to break each other's heads." Humaira's smile widened as she solemnly assured the girl.

Akifa giggled and shyly linked her hand with her elder cousin. Pressing it warmly, Humaira pulled the girl closer to her saying in a teasing tone,

"Want me to tell you a secret?" Akifa nodded eagerly, becoming thrilled. "It will show you that I'm indeed no saint, mind though, no telling to anybody," Humaira loudly whispered and had the satisfaction of seeing the other two girls stop their bickering and listen to her conversation.

"When I was small, and even until your age, I very much envied Saira Di," Humaira confessed softly, the pure brown depths unconsciously turning to the Lord of the dark heavens above.

"Is it because she's much prettier than you?" Abida spoke, watching Humaira's thoughtful face.

"What?" Humaira gathered her thoughts and smiled at the teen. "No. Strangely, I never worried or compared my countenance with others. I was satisfied with how Allaah Rabbul 'Izzath has made me.

"But what I envied in my Di was her companionship with Saif Bhaiya. They both were always so close and shared such a unique beautiful bond. And to their credit, they never forgot to include me too in their games and everything else, and also often teased me badly, they still do," she said, the smile lingering fondly.

"Yet, there was always this emptiness, this yearning inside, here - Humaira placed her hand upon her heart. "Even though you know, I have the best parents in the whole world," she dimpled, and then softly continued,

"Still, I very much wanted someone to share everything with, from my thoughts to feelings to all. And I didn't want them to judge me. I ... I'm not a person to easily open up towards others, yet I wanted a friend badly. So my search for a close friend began." Humaira paused, looking at the girls' interested faces.

"It was more or less like Prophet Ibrahim A.S. in his search for truth, for Allaah. Though his was for the Glorious One, while I sought for my selfish reasons," she tried for a smile, and then suddenly pointing at a twinkling star far above them, Humaira began to recite in her melodious voice,

فَلَمَّا جَنَّ عَلَيْهِ اللَّيْلُ رَأَىٰ كَوْكَبًا ۖ قَالَ هَٰذَا رَبِّي ۖ فَلَمَّا أَفَلَ قَالَ لَا أُحِبُّ الْآفِلِين َ

"Falammaa janna 'alayhil laylu ra-aa kawkabaa; qaala hatha Rabbee; falammaa afala qaala laa uhibbul-aafileen"

(When the night covered him (Prophet Ibrahim) [over with darkness] he saw a star. He said: "This is my lord." But when it set, he said: "I like not those that set (disappear).")

فَلَمَّا رَأَى الْقَمَرَ بَازِغًا قَالَ هَٰذَا رَبِّي ۖ فَلَمَّا أَفَلَ قَالَ لَئِن لَّمْ يَهْدِنِي رَبِّي لَأَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الْقَوْمِ الضَّالِّين َ

"Falammaa ra-al qamara baazighan qaala hatha Rabbee; falammaa afala qaala la-in lam yahdinee Rabbee la akoonanna minal qawmid daalleen"

(When he saw the moon rising up, he said: "This is my lord." But when it set, he said: "Unless my Lord guides me, I shall surely be among the erring people.")

"So that was my case too, I turned from the people and wanted the moon to be my friend, but the morning came, and it disappeared leaving me alone once again," the pure depths gazed long at the shining crescent. Then with a sigh and a smile, Humaira recited again, and the girls unconsciously huddled closer, as if to not lose the sweetness that poured from her lips.

فَلَمَّا رَأَى الشَّمْسَ بَازِغَةً قَالَ هَٰذَا رَبِّي هَٰذَا أَكْبَرُ ۖ فَلَمَّا أَفَلَتْ قَالَ يَا قَوْمِ إِنِّي بَرِيءٌ مِّمَّا تُشْرِكُون َ

"Falammaa ra-ash shamsa baazighatan qaala hatha Rabbee hatha akbar; falammaa afalat qaala yaa qawmi innee baree-um mimmaa tushrikoon"

(When he saw the sun rising up, he said: "This is my lord. This is greater." But when it set, he said: "O my people! I am indeed free from all that you join as partners in worship with Allah.)

Humaira remained silent, then finally said in the softest throbbing tone,

وَكَذَٰلِكَ نُرِي إِبْرَاهِيمَ مَلَكُوتَ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ وَلِيَكُونَ مِنَ الْمُوقِنِين َ

"Wakathalika nuree ibraheema malakootas samaawaati wal-ardi waliyakoona minal mooqineen"

(Thus did we show Ibrahim (Abraham) the kingdom of the heavens and the earth that he be one of those who have Faith with certainty.)

"So that was how I too turned to Ar Rahman, feeling with deep certainty that HE was there with me -always, always, always... to listen, to comfort, to guide, to protect! And I left the moon and the stars and turned to the One Who created them, and I found that there was no better friend to you than the King of all kings." Humaira smiled, and stroking Akifa's head that rested on her shoulder she said tenderly, the brown eyes suddenly shining bright,

"You praise me about always being good child, I don't know anything about that - all I know is about my Ishq for Him and His for me!"

And the girls couldn't help but marvel at the glowing face as Humaira murmured passionately,

"When you know, when you realize, when you have become conscious of Him... ever watching you and His remembrance constantly throbs in your heart...you become restless if you don't do good in what you do, if you don't say good in what you speak...if you don't think good in what you've thought!"

Silence descended upon them... beautiful tranquil silence, even the boys seemed to have become quiet for a moment. Then a shrill childish laugh rang out and Humaira shook herself and blinked, as if coming back to the world once again.

"Enough talk hmm? What do you all say to blind man's buff?" Humaira asked, getting up and swiftly pulling Akifa with her, who laughed gleefully and tried to sit back again. The other two readily agreed and Anisa sent a shout to the boys who upon hearing it danced and hopped around grinning madly. Abida tied her dupatta around Humaira's eyes and thus the classic game began.

The excited yells and shouts continued, with almost everyone getting their turn to bind their eyes and catch others. Especially the little twins became hilarious, as they tried to peer, slightly lifting the blind and noting the position of their siblings.

And then everything came to a halt with the adhaan of Isha Salah. They all finally descended downstairs, breathless and happy -in heart, body and soul.

When the Salah was over, it was the usual hurry of dinner, then to spread the dastarkhaan before the men could arrive from the Masjid. The women sat and ate after the men had finished and moved to the rooms.

Aunty Aaqila as the mother of five children did indeed look improbable. A highly intelligent woman, she was brisk in everything she did and expected the same from others. She conversed mainly with Kadhija and occasionally with Saira while her girls stuck close to Humaira, chattering a dozen.

With the removal of dastarkhaan, the men came back to the main hall and the women sat in the small one behind the long curtains. The children sat as they wished and Abdullah asked Misbah to proceed with the Ta'leem. He looked disconcerted for a moment, and then with an uneasy smile took the volume from Umar. But when he began to read, his voice was steady and loud enough to be heard by everyone.

"Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem. Recorded in Sahih Muslim that Abu Dharr R.A reported Allaah's Messenger (sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) as saying that Allaah, the Exalted and Glorious, said:

'My servants, I have made oppression unlawful for Me and unlawful for you, so do not commit oppression against one another.

My servants, all of you are liable to err except one whom I guide on the right path, so seek right guidance from Me so that I should direct you to the right path.

O My servants, all of you are hungry (needy) except one whom I feed, so beg food from Me, so that I may give that to you.

O My servants, all of you are naked (need clothes) except one whom I provide garments, so beg clothes from Me, so that I should clothe you.

O My servants, you commit error night and day and I am there to pardon your sins, so beg pardon from Me so that I should grant you pardon.

O My servants, you can neither do Me any harm nor can you do Me any good.

O My servants, even if the first amongst you and the last amongst you and even the whole of human race of yours, and that of jinns even, become (equal in) God-consciousness (pious) like the heart of a single person amongst you, nothing would add to My Power.

O My servants, even if the first amongst you and the last amongst you and the whole human race of yours and that of the Jinns too in unison become the most wicked (all beating) like the heart of a single person, it would cause no loss to My Power.

O My servants, even if the first amongst you and the last amongst you and the whole human race of yours and that of jinns also all stand in one plain ground and you ask Me and I confer upon every person what he asks for, it would not in any way, cause any loss to Me (even less) than that which is caused to the ocean by dipping the needle in it.

O My servants, it is but your deeds that I account for you, and then recompense you for. So he who finds good, let him praise Allaah, and he who finds other than that, let him blame no one but himself."

Abdullah nodded in satisfaction as Misbah finished reading. "Alhamdulillaah son, that's enough for today. And what have we learnt from this? That it's very important to express our needs with humility to Allaah SWT.

"We should also constantly repent to him. Allaah SWT is As- Samee' (the All Hearing), He will listen to us and accept our supplication and repentance. We seek of Him -His mercy, blessings and pleasure." Abdullah looked around at the family gathering. Aunt Aaqila's husband sat near listening attentively, his twin sons sitting close. Umar sat near Abdullah's feet, and Misbah beside them. Abdullah proceeded in his deep kind tone,

"So my dear children- Allaah SWT's pleasure is ever our ultimate goal, without which we will indeed be among the unfortunate of creations. In everything we do in this dunya, let us seek His Most Blessed Face as our reward in the Aakhirah ...and may Allaah SWT count us among the winners, the ones who have earned His pleasure!"

"Aameen!" the word fervently echoed from every person's lips and hearts gathered there that night.

After the guests had gone to sleep, Humaira was about to climb upstairs to her room when Saira called her from behind,

"What's it Di?" she turned with a smile. "Want any help?"

"No silly. Just come here will you?"

When Humaira went back inside the kitchen, Saira searched her face keenly.

"What's wrong Humair?"

Humaira stared with a confused expression.

"Why... I don't know what you're saying Di."

"Ammi said you looked worried, she wanted me to ask you what has happened?"

Humaira smiled a little. One could always trust her mother to notice everything about her children - no matter how slight.

"Nothing Didi. It's just this... he hasn't replied to any messages the whole day...and didn't even call last night."

"Ahmed?"

Humaira nodded, an anxious frown appearing on her brow.

"Why don't you call?"

She was silent for some moments. "He doesn't like to be disturbed unnecessarily."

"Oh c'mon!" Her sister rolled her eyes. "You becoming troubled about his non-response is better huh? Give a Skype-call, look at him - if he scolds, then grin and become happy that at least you've seen and spoken to him."

Humaira laughed. "I'll see in shaa Allaah. Jazak Allaahu khair Di. You the best."

Saira chuckled, the dark eyes twinkling affectionately. "Yea yea I have always known that my dear sister!"

It was after half an hour that Humaira finally finished reciting her daily night Surahs, followed by the Dhikr of Allaah SWT. Then she lay on the bed, checking and rechecking her phone until she fell asleep, her lips still murmuring His SWT's Name.

The whole day she had calmed herself saying that there was no cause to worry, for there had been other days before when her husband hadn't called either -yet he had at least sent a message then. Still, there remained just a week for Ahmed to come home from Jamaath, to Chennai and then, the day after, they would be travelling back to England.

Humaira wished she could be here a few more days to see through her sister's first delivery, which would be occurring in a fortnight -but Ahmed had not agreed, wanting them to go to London without any further delay.

Abruptly past mid-night, Humaira woke up, her hand automatically reaching for her phone. Her heart leaped upon finally seeing that a message has come from her husband. Yet when she read it, she felt herself becoming cold and still. She read and re-read the single line,

-Not feeling well. Won't call.

With trembling hands, she replied

-what's wrong? Shall I call?

For nearly an hour, she waited agitatedly for a reply until checking the time for the thousandth time she herself called him.

There was no response.

She tried again twice with the same result. Then with a heavy heart, she reluctantly parted from the phone and dragged herself to do wudu.

And when Humaira stood on the Musallah, placing all her troubles before Him, warm tears streamed down her cheeks - then the last part of the night began and her Lord and King of all kings descended to the first heaven and listened to the unexpressed pain and supplication of her throbbing heart!

فَإِذَا فَرَغْتَ فَانصَبْ

"Fa-itha faraghta fansab"

(So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for Allaah's worship, (i.e. stand up for prayer)].)

وَإِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ فَارْغَب

"Wa-ila Rabbika farghab"

(And to your Lord (Alone) direct [your -intentions and hopes and] longing (invocation)!)

*****

A/N :)

Alhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen!

So I hope you're doing excellent by His Fazal in shaa Allaah :) my Didi's delivery is in a month in shaa Allaah, want all your dear special Duas. The next update would depend on how much time I could spare... believe me, it's a great struggle to spare time these days and an even greater jihad to make myself write in that spare time ;P

As always, deeply indebted to all the wonderful support and sweet kindness and of course the Sabrun Jameel... Jazak Allaahu khairan katheeran katheera! Please remember us in Duas, until then, may Ar Rahman take beautiful care of y'all!

With Duas and Salaam,

abdurRahman (Gudi :))