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The taste of damp dewdrops on your tongue, the hint of rain still playing on your skin, your mind is filled with him. The way his hand slid into yours. The tears from the sky glistening on his skin, his eyes bright and comforting against the stormy colors swirling above him. Your heart still whispers the memory of his name, your body still shivering with the places his hands had touched yours.

Love is strange, isn't it?

The way the simplest gestures, the simplest moments, can mean the world if it comes from someone you love. The way it can make you forget about everything else, save the memory of them, the feeling it felt just to be in their presence. To be beside them, even if only for a moment. Almost as though it were a special pill, a drug of some sort made just for you.

After all, your mind is so full of Tae that when Jaejin calls your name you find you had forgotten he was here.

For a moment, it was easy to forget about the way he had hurt you, and abandoned you. For a moment, his betrayal was nothing more than a fact you had accepted a long time ago. And perhaps it would have been.

If it wasn't for the lies.

Some drugs can't mask even that.

"How is she?"

His concerned gaze makes you pause for a moment. You wonder if it's time to forgive him, if even after everything that's happened you can at least forgive him for this.

But then you see the watch Mijeong got him for last Christmas.

A watch he still hasn't taken off.

A watch that got to stay with him when she had to leave him behind.

Taking a deep breath, you fix him with a silent, cold stare, letting your shoes fall haphazardly on the ground before stepping inside your home.

"If you wanted to know, you should've visited her yourself."

Jaejin sighs as you brush past him, heading towards your room.

If it were any other day perhaps he would have let you walk by, perhaps it would have gone on like it has been ever since he returned. As though the two of you were mere strangers living under the same roof. No interaction, nothing but the silence of your anger and his neverending shame.

But it is not any other day.

And Jaejin has had more than enough.

"Is this how it's going to be?"

There is only so much a person can take before they break, and Jaejin is unwilling to let your relationship fall to pieces, especially not when he is the one to blame.

"Look, I know you're pissed at me, and I get it okay? It's my fault. I should have never left you when you needed me, but it was my dream! If I didn't try I would've regretted it, I thought you of all people would understand."

You thought you would be angrier. You thought you would scream, fight him, push him away in a blur of tears and hot-blooded anger.

Maybe it's because you're too tired, maybe it's because you've finally put things into perspective, or maybe you can't handle the distance between someone who feels like home any more than he can...

But you don't do any of that.

Instead, you silently turn to him, your next few words a mere whisper.

"You're an idiot."

And if Jaejin was expecting anything, it surely wasn't this.

"What?"

Scoffing, you take your bag off your shoulder and set it down with a loud thump on the counter before fixing him with an incredulous look.

"You think I'm mad because you left?"

And at his silence, you know that you are correct. Rolling your eyes at his perplexed expression you run your hands through your hair in exasperation.

"I'm mad because you lied to me, Jae!"

"What are you talking about?"

Taking a deep breath, you fix him with a glare, trying your best to stay calm. Does he think you're stupid? Did he think that when he came home alone, you wouldn't put two and two together? Did he forget how thin your walls were?

How far was he going to take the lie until he was able to tell you the truth?

"I'm going to ask you something. And when you answer, I need it to be the truth, do you understand?"

And though he doesn't speak, he nods silently. And though you're scared to hear the truth that he's been keeping from you for years, you also know that you need to hear it come from his lips. In order for you to move on from this, for you to trust him again, you need to know.

The real reason he's grown distant from you. The real reason it was so easy for him to leave you behind. The real reason he broke his promise.

"Why did you and Mijeong break up?"

Jaejin's heart drops to his gut at the question.

And for a moment he can't find anything to say. He thought when he finally confessed, it would feel different, perhaps easier. And yet, after all this time he still can't find the words to express everything that has been building in his heart.

Especially when it comes to you.

How can he say anything when he is still irrevocably in love with Mijeong? How can he even think he has a right to dump his complex feelings on your shoulders when he doesn't even know what they mean?

So instead, he runs his hand over his face, clear anguish written on the bitter smile that plays on his lips.

"Did she tell you?"

Swallowing hard, you shake your head.

"I overheard you two talking that night."

His heart falls deeper into the pit of despair, and he runs his hands through his hair, unable to look you in the eye. His legs suddenly weak, he walks over to the couch and holds his head helplessly in his hands as he sits.

You know.

You know and he didn't even get a chance to explain it to you.

He doesn't know what is worse.

You've seen Jaejin break down before.

When his mother left him at his grandparent's house, with nothing more than an empty promise to return soon, only to be never seen again. When he had his first heartbreak and the two of you skipped class in hopes to chase it away. When his grandfather died, and he couldn't make it in time to say goodbye.

When you left him behind, and the two of you said your first goodbye.

Each time, you've seen the very same lost look on his face. The chaos in his eyes as he tries to figure out what to do next. How to make sense of an impossible situation which fate has already decided for him. You've seen the tears and you've heard the screams of anger, you've witnessed the worst and you've been beside him through all the bad.

But this...

This is something different.

It's a side to him that he's hidden from you, that he's been trying to hide from you, and you have only just realized. It's new terrain, a dangerous one, one which you have no idea how to navigate.

And yet, it is all so painfully similar, you have to wonder if he has shown this side, but it is you who has changed. If you are looking at him with new eyes, eyes that have seen everything, and yet nothing at all.

After a moment, you join him on the couch, your voice soft when you next speak.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You had enough on your plate without me burdening you." Jaejin shakes his head, his bitter smile only growing as he tries to pretend that he is alright. "I didn't want to keep it from you, it's just you've been through enough and I was kind of scared."

"Of what?"

And when he turns to you, there's a look of tenderness in his eyes that you've never noticed before. That perhaps you have seen, but have been too afraid to acknowledge.

Or rather, too scared to realize what they could mean.

"The questions."

At the response, you go silent avoiding his eyes, and he can't help the smile that appears on his face. Though brief, it's the most real flicker of happiness he's felt in your presence for a while, and it gives him hope.

Perhaps this doesn't mean that everything has to change. Perhaps the two of them can stay the same, and he doesn't have to let go of you just yet. Perhaps this small, foolish hope could become their reality.

"It's okay, Yen, you can ask me."

And though Yen is wary, she does. No matter the consequences, she has to know, even if it hurts her more than she could have ever expected.

"I thought you loved her."

"I do."

"Then why can't you fix it?"

It takes Jaejin a moment to answer, and when he does he cannot bear to look her in the eyes. He knows what his confession means, and he doesn't know how she will react, but he also knows she deserves the truth. Even if the timing is terrible, and even if this means their relationship has been torn at the seams, she deserves to know the reason why.

"Because I'm in love with someone else."

Yen takes a shaky breath, almost too scared to ask the next question.

"Who?"

Jaejin finally gains the courage to look at her, and when she meets his dark eyes, he can see the answer swimming deep in his irises almost as though it had always been present and she was just noticing the depth of the meaning in this moment alone.

"You already know."

Yen goes silent and Jaejin waits for her to figure out what to say next.

Just as he always has.

Ever since they were children who leaned on each other when the world was too cruel for them to face, he's always sat afar, watching from a distance. Waiting for her to come and take his hand. Waiting for her to tell him to be brave. Waiting for her to give him the courage to fight. Waiting for her to be ready to come to him and see what he had only realized too late.

Always waiting.

In reality, he has always known the day would come when her smile would change towards him. When she would no longer be as warm and welcoming as she was when she was blind to his feelings and never had to bear witness to his selfishness.

He just was never ready for the day to come.

"I don't believe you."

And perhaps neither was she.

"Yen..."

"No! If you loved me, then why didn't you tell me?" As you look at him now, he can see the anguish behind your growing tears. "You knew how I felt about you, but you were the one who drew the line. You were the one who told me we couldn't be anything but friends."

He wonders how many times he has hurt you. How many times he has betrayed you. How many times he has broken all of his promises toward you just because he was scared of his feelings.

"I didn't realize it until you were already gone, and by then it was too late."

And yet he is still selfish enough to want you to stay like you always have. Because he doesn't want to let you go, because you are the closest thing to home he has left, and perhaps that is the scariest thought of all. Knowing you have someone who you rely on in that way, someone you need as much as the air you breathe.

"That day I ran to you at the airport, that was me trying to confess, but I couldn't do it."

But does that mean it's love?

Can it be anything else?

"I wonder why."

You don't know what to say.

Jaejin was your first love. A childhood crush you never quite got over, even when you said your final goodbyes. You always looked to him for everything, relied on him for everything, he was always there. You viewed him as your knight in shining armor. Someone who could complete your fairy tale ending almost as easily as he had repaired your broken heart. He carried a piece of it and faithfully kept it alive and beating. To this day he still harbors it close just as you cherish the piece he has given to you.

But over time the love you had for him faded into an affection for a friend, a brother. You will always love him, and he will always carry with him the memories of your youth, but the world you had built with him has long been left in the past, and that's where you thought it would stay.

But now...

"Mijeong knew." Your eyes widen at the confession, and as you look at him now you can see just how wretched he is. Just how much these feelings have torn him apart from the inside out. "She knew even before we started dating. She's the one who wanted to start this, even when she knew I still loved you."

"Why?"

Jaejin smiles to himself at one of the many memories when Mijeong was still by his side. And though she will never know how he feels about her, he will always keep these memories they shared safe in the rose-tinted hue of perfection. For if he didn't, what more would he have than the darkening hatred of his own betrayal?

"That's something only she knows."

The thought perplexes you more than you thought it would. How could you love someone who you knew would never love you back? Even if there were some hint that you could sway their heart, wouldn't it be painful? Wouldn't it tear you apart to know that the person you wanted the most in the world still had feelings for someone else?

How cruel can love be that that kind of distress would be worth it, if only it meant you could stay by their side for just a little bit longer?

"Don't worry about us, Yen. We'll be okay. After all, we were friends before this, that's not going to change."

Swallowing hard, you stare at your hands.

"What about us?" Jaejin's eyes widen, and he turns to you, but you're unable to face him. You don't want to lose him, you don't want to let go of another piece of your home. Even if things have changed, does that mean you have to as well? "We'll still be friends right?"

And as his fears are finally voiced, his desperation grows, and on impulse, he takes your hands in his own, pulling you into a tight hug.

You don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the nostalgia that's mixed with his scent of strawberries and crisp cologne, or perhaps the fact that this is the first time you've hugged him since he's returned. Or maybe it's simply because you've needed him for far too long that now that his arms are around you once more, it's become too much for you to bear.

No matter the reason, once he's enveloped you in the familiar cocoon of safety and warmth you allow the tears that have been building up to release. All of your fears finally come to fruition as you cling tightly to him, and he grips tightly to you.

"Always." You nearly deflate in relief at the reassurance and respond by wrapping your arms tighter around his midsection. "I'm here for the long run, Yen, I won't ever leave your side again."

If there is one thing Jaejin knows, it's that it doesn't matter how Yen feels. It's okay if she doesn't love him the way he does. He never needed her to love him, he just needed her by his side. Perhaps that is the real reason he didn't tell her how he felt before it was too late. Perhaps that's why he let her go.

"I can deal with my feelings, I've been dealing with them for years, so please don't worry about this. Concentrate on yourself, and I can figure out what I want." Pulling away, he takes her face into his hands and squeezes it, snot, tears, and all. "I'm the only one who can do that, no one else should be the one to carry that burden."

If all she needs from him is a friend, then that is all he will be. That alone is enough.

"That's too much to ask of anyone."

And when he says that phrase, you finally understand.

Why he and Mijeong leaned on each other, and why he had to let her go.

But before you can say anything more, he presses a kiss on your forehead before standing and walking away.

"Wait, Jae--"

"A little bird once told me to live my life to the fullest, without any regrets."

You blink in shock as he repeats the words you told him when you left him behind, leaving you speechless. Turning around, he smiles at you, and you are taken back to the moment when you first met him. For that is the same smile he sent your way, the same look he gave you that turned him into your Prince Charming.

"I hope you remember that when you're on that stage."

Even though everything has changed, some things still stay the same.

And you hope your friendship, just like when you were the two fragile kids all those years ago, will never sway.

"Good luck, little birdy."

And with that, he turns around, leaving you alone.

Is it okay to live your life to your fullest? Is it okay to be just a little selfish, and ask for a little more than you know you deserve?

In the dark, the only light you can see is the stars that glimmer outside.

When you were younger, you would chase those very same stars, and now as you step out onto the balcony, you view them with the same wonder; the same fears. You're so close to your dream, so close to becoming one of the stars burning bright in the sky. It's everything you've ever wanted and its yours if you choose it.

But what does it take to shine? What do you have to sacrifice to gain even a few moments amongst that dark sky?

And what happens when you finally burn out?

Will they remember you?

Or will you be forgotten?

"Are you proud? We're almost there."

Smiling softly, you swallow hard at the thought, your hands shaking as you wrap them around your body. You always thought you were strong enough, but perhaps you never were. Maybe no one ever is.

But is that reason enough to give up?

"It's so close, but how much more do we have to lose before we can achieve it?"

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this is off topic but I really like Jaejin's and Yen's friendship. 

Maybe at one point in time it could have blossomed into something more but right now, their friendship is something Yen really needs and I'm glad that she has it even if Jaejin's feelings have become complicated.