Paige sat quietly amongst her friends, nibbling on the other half of a bagel – the first had been her breakfast – as they chatted happily. Her mind was somewhere else, with a certain hazel-eyed boy who managed to get lost in school, to be exact. She wondered if she'd see him today: she still had his gloves.
But her school was a big school, which was why he got lost and they could meet in the first place, so she didn't think she'd run into him that easily. She tugged up her sleeves until they covered her knuckles when she raised her hands, then leaned her chin in them.
All she wanted – or at least what she thought she wanted – was to return the gloves to Nikolai so she wouldn't be reminded of him anymore, or what he'd witnessed.

Nikolai had been invited to lunch by the same two guys as yesterday, on his first day. He didn't feel much for sitting alone, and they seemed nice enough guys. At first he thought they'd be arrogant jocks, but they were kinder than they seemed. Thus, he followed them and met up with the other two of the group. They didn't eat in the cafeteria, but found a spot outside of it. Yesterday, they'd gone to the cafeteria so Nikolai could experience what it's like. He didn't necessarily want to go back, it was way too crowded and way too loud.
Parker, one of the guys he had his last class before lunch with, had the same dark brown hair as Nikolai, but his eyes were a vibrant blue that always seemed cheerful. Even now, as he asked Nikolai tons of questions about the town he came from, he had a glimmer in his eyes. Along with Luke, who seemed to be Parker's best friend, the two guys alternated between asking Nikolai questions, and talking about other things the latter couldn't join in with.
But Nikolai found that he was okay with it: he liked listening to them.
Nikolai's steps faltered when he saw the group of girls sitting where they were heading. Paige was one of them. Her eyes were directed on the group, but she seemed to be daydreaming. What would she do when she saw him?
The sunlight cast a golden glow over her brown locks. She was wearing it loose this time, allowing it to shield her face on the sides, as if she was hiding behind a curtain. She wore a sweater that everyone would think was big because it'd be snuggly, but Nikolai wondered if it was big to make sure the sleeves would cover up her arms. The sleeves were pulled up to her knuckles, and her fingers were carefully folded over the edges to keep them there.
Only when the group of guys were close to the group of girls, did Paige look up. Her eyes met Nikolai's. She looked away, disregarding him as if she didn't recognize him.
The two groups were so close to each other that Nikolai ended up sitting next to Paige, who was also on the outside of the group, but for all he knew, he could've been in a different building. The few inches between them felt like miles.
Maybe she just doesn't want to remember. Or maybe she just really didn't remember him, after all, it had been dark and it was stressful for her.
So they just spent lunch side by side, but spoke not a word to the other. At the end of lunch, when the bell rang and everyone was gathering their backpacks, Paige turned to him.
'Thanks for the gloves.' She handed the black pair of gloves back, and then stalked off, weaving her second hand through the last strap of her backpack so she could hoist it up on two shoulders. No one had seen their exchange in the chaos of gathering their things and trying not to bump into anyone.
Nikolai hadn't even had the chance to ask her how she was doing. He wished he'd had the courage to just say something when she'd been there. He wished she'd let him look at her wrist, he wanted to see if the wound was healing okay. Maybe also if she hadn't added any more cuts.
Instead, he'd been too afraid she'd shut him out or ignore him, or that he'd scare her away. Maybe she didn't want her friends seeing them interact so they wouldn't ask questions. Nikolai suspected none of them knew what was going on with Paige. Whenever one of her friends had asked Paige something, she'd made a smile appear on her face that was so convincing, Nikolai understood why they hadn't noticed. It could've fooled anyone. Anyone who hadn't witnessed her when that mask came off.
But Nikolai had seen her true face, and that mask was just that to him now.
He was determined to become someone Paige knew she could trust. He'll help her deal with her ghosts and face her demons.

~~~

After school, Paige returned to an empty house. The stairs made no sound when she climbed them. She closed the door to her room softly and turned around. Her eyes drooped, she dropped her bag. Feeling numb, she then sat down on her bed. No one could see her. She was alone now.
Alone.
She stared in front of her as if in a daze, not sure what to do. She felt the sadness inside of her stir, growing like weed until it had overpowered the flowers of happiness that had been left. She first felt her eyebrows twitch, shifting together as her vision blurred. Would she allow it to grow further? Or would she let go? It wasn't like anyone would see her.
No, she was alone in this.
She sniffled and caught the first drop with her sleeve before it could touch skin. That hand went down again, going to her right wrist. She grazed her fingers over her flesh, slowly pushing back her sleeve in the process, revealing what lay beneath. Her cold fingers went over the rough lines that covered the inside of her wrist. Her blurry vision prevented her from counting how many marks she had, but she didn't want to know anyway. She didn't want to know how many times she'd felt like this, so torn apart and utterly alone to the point she had to bleed to prove to herself that she was even still there. She didn't want to know how many times that proof had also meant that just no one was there for her, even if they knew she existed.
She didn't want to know how many times no one had noticed her despair.
How many times had she cleaned up the mess she made, worn bracelets or a watch the next day to cover up what she'd done, and how many times had no one noticed anything?
Only Nikolai. He was the only one who'd ever helped her, who'd ever cared for her like no one else had, and the only one who still kept an eye on her despite knowing what she did to herself.
She wanted so badly for him to break through her barrier, to see if he would even try, but he hadn't said a word to her. She'd probably freaked him out.
See? This is why I can't let anyone know. They'll just leave me. Maybe she was alone now, but she was alone while having company. No one could see from her that she felt like she was that one spot of ink on a flawless canvas. And it may feel lonelier sometimes – to have people around you but still feel like no one would understand, like no one cared – but at least no one would know.
Even though Paige wanted someone to understand, someone to care, someone to know, she didn't want it at the same time. She was afraid.
The first sob was silent as a whisper, yet sounded as loud as a canon when it tore through the silence. She didn't bother wiping her cheeks while the tears rolled, it would only make her cheeks redder, which meant it would be harder to cover up.
So she waited for it to stop, a war raging inside her. She was strong, for holding it all in. She was weak, for letting it all out now. But she was also weak for not daring to let anyone know. Pathetic.
Her phone buzzed. When she looked, it took a while to read through the blurriness. It was a text from her mom, saying she was on her way. Paige silently cursed, forced herself to calm down, burst out crying all over again when she realized she was too weak to stop the tears, then went to the bathroom when she finally calmed down. Even if it had taken a few ragged, shaky, deep breaths. She cleaned her face, re-applied her make-up, and covered every track that had still been visible.
When her mom came home from grocery shopping, Paige went downstairs with a bright smile on her face, and she nodded happily to whatever her mom was talking about when she helped put everything away.It was exhausting and infuriating, but it wouldn't break the façade she'd managed to hold up. She wouldn't let it.