Wrong

"Be as you wish to seem" - Socrates

| Ardian |

"You don't know do you? Who you are" she said
"Alright I get it. I'm nobody" I said
"No, you're something Ardian, you just won't let it free" she said
"I'm not like you Ivelle. Not really, I'm not... capable of what you are" I said

"I may not have been happy but I... I never wanted this" I said
I never wanted to lose my girlfriend. My home
My job. My family.
My freedom.

"Are you sure about that? You haven't really struggled to leave until today. Until I brought your mother here. You seemed pretty content talking to me, getting to know me more" she said

"You don't seem very concerned about Enora and her baby" she said
"Don't" I warned
"Or what? You going to hit me again?" She asked
"No" I said

"No, because despite feeling the way I do, you still care about things. You care about me" she stated
"It's human nature to care" I said simply
"That's what sets you apart from us" I said

"I don't think I've ever cared for much in my life..." she said
"What about your bother?" I asked
"I felt... indebted to him for a long time. He always took the worse beating, the worse punishment. Now I've killed our dad... maybe that debt is repaid" she thought aloud

"What are we doing Ivelle?" I asked deflated, looking across to her
We're sat on the floor. Where her mother died
My hand bleeding, my face bruised
My soul... gone.

And she sat, like a rag doll. Face bleeding, head bruised and mind... gone.
She isn't well.
That's what society deems her. Unwell. Unfit.
Mentally incompetent to know right from wrong
But she knows right and wrong
She just doesn't see why wrong is wrong to everyone else

She justifies it. She has reason for it.
Reason to kill her mother and father and everyone who crosses her in a way she can't stand.
This just... confused me
She isn't recorded for obsessions or infatuations
She doesn't get attached to anyone

So why is she so interested in me?
And why am I so naive...?
Or am I willingly naive?

"I don't know but... we won't be normal again. We can't be. You'll never have a normal life now you've met me... will you?" She asked
An observation rolled over a question
She was hopeful that I felt the same
And I did
"...no" I admitted

I haven't had one single 'normal' day since I met her.

She shifted across the floor to me. And sat beside me, leaning her head on my shoulder
How did I get here?
Have I gone insane?

Did she break me? Mentally.

"Maybe in another world... we'd have met each other like... like regular people do" she chuckled
"You dream of other lives?" I asked
She's unhappy with her life?

She nodded
Before looking up at me
"Don't you?" She asked
And I said nothing

Her hand reached up to grasp my face. And she kissed me
Softly, gently
She kissed me like any other woman would.
And I didn't pull away, didn't stop her

I... I kissed her back
And she sat up further, moving until she was straddling me, and reality half crashed into my mind
"Stop" I said, pushing her back
"Why?" She whispered

"It's wrong... it's... this is toxic Ivelle. We're... we shouldn't-"
"Maybe you need to do something wrong" she said, holding my eyes
"No... no I just hurt you. You... you have me locked up" I argued

She nodded, leaning closer
"And have you ever felt more alive?" She whispered
She's too close. And too... friendly right now
She isn't aggressive and violent
She isn't bitter and volatile
And she's looking at me like a guy she took home

"Ivelle..." I said
"Ardian" she countered, kissing me slowly
I hesitated.

Because I shouldn't
I shouldn't...
I...
I kissed her back.
I kissed her back and I grabbed her face and she groaned against me in pain

Because I had hurt her
And now I was kissing her
And I... I've gone insane

I... I'm in temporary psychosis
I must be
Because I'm not stopping
And every excuse and lie I tell myself is full throttle as I kissed her back
And ignored the justification for it

Because there is none

| Ivelle |

He's kissing me back. He wants me
He... he knows me
No one has ever really cut it for me. They're too... boring
Too... plain

They never get me, not really
But Ardian does. He knows who I am, he know what I've done and he's kissing me away

We messily shifted from the floor to the living room as he sat on the sofa and I sat in his lap.
Fumbling for his belt as his hands pulled my dress up my thighs

It's wrong. It's so wrong and that's why it feels so good
Because he knows he shouldn't
But he wants to. I want to.

I want to have it forever. That we fucked
That he submitted to me.
And through rigorous therapy, I was told that it was my need for control that made me think that way
But I don't care

I want it and I want him.
He kissed my neck
It's so strange how others think
How... normal people think
They kiss your neck
And they touch you. And they're... intimate

I always found it so... unnecessary
It never made me feel anything
But Ardian's lips are... warm. And his tongue is wet brushing along my skin.
Marking my skin.
Leaving temporary evidence of his bad actions.

I pulled his cock out of his trousers, stroking him hard as he groaned against me, his hands running around my naked ass
Those hands...

That had recorded me, noted me down, pushed me back and hit me.
Now touched me, like a lost girlfriend
A lost love.

And his fingers messily pulled my panties to the side
As I guided him inside of me
And we both moaned, foreheads together as I rode him.

In my old home.
After months of being apart and dreaming of him
Of his lips and his hair and those fucking hands

"Ardian" I moaned in his ear, his grip tightening on my hip, the other hand finding it's way into my hair
I always wondered how it would feel.
A hard and tight grip as he pushed me down quicker onto him.

I felt that feeling inside
That build to... excitement
That feeling I could only ever give to myself
Because men were... useless

He was giving it to me
He was bringing me to a climax
Because he knows exactly what I am and he's attracted to me anyway.
It's a feeling like no other

Someone seeing you so truly bare in the soul and wanting to fuck you anyway
I rode him and brought him to a pleasure he'd never feel ever again.

Because knowing that he shouldn't be doing this, no other high would ever come close
The way he groaned into my neck and grabbed every part of me told me that
He was savouring this
Every moment and every curve

Every moan and every kiss.
He fucked just like I thought he would
Hard. Unrelenting. Passionately

"Fuck... fuck" I let out, cumming around him.
He groaned, fingers ingrained into my skin as he came too.

And we sat, like before
In silence, except ragged breaths

"Ardian" I dared to break that silence
"This... this was wrong" he mumbled, eyes closed
"I won't tell if you don't" I smiled against him

But he pushed me off him
"No. I'm serious this... fuck. We should have-"
"What?" I asked
Is he serious?
"Shouldn't what Ardian?" I asked, he fixed his clothes, as I pulled my dress back down

"Shouldn't do anything your entire life and be miserable?" I asked
"I'm not miserable" he said, sitting forward
His head in his hands and his arms on his legs as he thought to himself

This wasn't a mistake
He is not branding this a mistake
"Not since I came along" I said
"Before me you were practically living at work, avoiding your girlfriend and revelling in the stories of serial killers, what would you call it?" I asked

He said nothing
Stop saying nothing
Where did my Ardian go?
The one with answers for everything

I sat forward, grabbing his hand
"We're the same Ardian-"
"We're not the same" he said, pulling his hand back
"I'm not like you. I'm not... my mother was difficult but me and my brother turned out fine. He's got a wife, kids, he's fine" he argued, more to himself than me

"This isn't about him, it's about you" I said
"And I'm not bad Ivelle. I'm not like you" he said

"You said I wasn't bad" I pointed out
He sighed
"What do you want me to say Ivelle, we... I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry" he said refusing to look at me

"Fine" I said, getting up and leaving
I locked the door behind him
And he didn't protest
Because he knew he had hurt my feelings.

He... he hurt me.
I feel... hurt

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