Sometimes days can be normal for a girl like me... sometimes days can be so breathtaking in a way where you're just so exhausted and you feel as if your soul has just left your body and you feel like an empty vessel.. Like if i just saw someone getting shot in front of my very own eyes, i wouldn't know how to react.. I'll just be functioning like a robot, because I sometimes don't feel anything. It's like my emotions be totally shut down and sometimes its an advantage so i don't feel all this PTSD shit but, on the other hand, i feel unloved, unemotional, unhappy and isolated, and that's not a nice feeling at all. Is it a feeling though? 

I see this day as too bright, i dislike it.. i see the small green blades of grass on the lawn. On the inside, i feel darkness, i feel trapped. My mind is all full of clouded emotions, there's a nasty fog. 

Feelings? What the fuck are those?! Fuck that and fuck you! 

I had to quit everything I once enjoyed, because i felt this psychosis was getting in the way and it sucks so bad. My psychosis is either when I have way too many heightened emotions or none at all, and none of it is my choice on how i control them... 

During my darkest times with depression, i don't feel depressed, i feel empty. I feel emptiness just eating away at me and i can't help it. I distance myself from everyone and everything. You know, food doesn't even have a taste to it anymore for me.. for me it's just a morsel to fill up the vessel without any flavour, just survival.

There's no other way to describe this shit, this fucking mental disorder and illness, sometimes there is no cure for anything, medication just keeps you numb. Half of the work you have to pull through, but how? What's the point?

Everything just eats away at you.. The only happy ending to this, is if you find someone you truly trust, to guide and help you through it all and to put up with your bullshit. That person will be the light in your life, your happiness and strength, and you will feel it. You will.. By instinct.. Trust your gut feeling.. 

A:N//  if you liked this chapter or have been related with these 'feelings' please don't forget to vote and spread the word, because you can make a difference.. This is my POV and my story within the full novel so i would appreciate if there were more votes and if this was known to all <3 (: I love you all, stay strong xo

~Fazzie XO