Note: I'm not officially back yet. Just a little something I needed to get off my chest.

A 5th Grade crush that resulted in the most painful chapter of my memory,

I knew him for years, and he loved teasing me. I was chubby (still am) and he was skinny. He teased me at the worst of times; that was just his nature. He loved to talk, loved to goof, and just be silly. I remember realizing that I liked him and having this instant sinking feeling in my stomach, It was the realization that I liked a guy who I had absolutely no chance with,

That feeling fucks you up. But I had learned to co-exist with it.

I remember how I felt funny in the stomach at the mere mention of him. My brain started going hyperactive, my actions were impulsive and my steps were lighter. 
In short, he made me crazy!

And maybe my actions were enough of a giveaway. But everyone saw it other than him. I was fine with it, I really was.
Because I didn't want to know what his reaction would be. Even though I had this sharp pain within me every time I was reminded that these feelings of mine were meant to be unrequited from the very beginning of it.

I was fine with it. I could live with that.
But someone told him. He knew. 
And based on his reaction, I was right to be scared of his reaction!

He destroyed me, inside out.
Gave me serious confidence issues, and made me doubt my worth.

To this day, it is hard for me to accept that someone might fall in love with me. And I don't know if it will ever be easy for me.
It feels like a fever dream to me,

My mind actually goes,

'Hah! Someone falling in love with mE?! ME??!! Huh, you must be kidding!?!'
And I hate that I feel like this.

Ya'll know what the worst part of this is?
He did not know what he did to me! AND HE STILL DOES NOT FUCKING KNOW!!
To him, those were words! 
To me, those were words that were a permanent and deep gash, etched in my entire existence.
And I am pretty sure, I will remember this pain for the rest of my fucking life!!

He didn't acknowledge the pain he caused me.
He did not even realize what he did to me. 

Or maybe he did.
I don't know...
I was never let into that secret;

But you know what made me wanna rip my heart out so that maybe! Just maybe I could let go of these stupid feelings?!
The fact that I felt that same pain when I saw him, every darn time! Every time I saw him with his girlfriend, it hurt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say time heals scars.
I say, over time people grow numb to those scars.
The pain is still there, the residue is still there.
The memory might be pushed back to the furthest corner of your mind. But all it needs is a slight tug,

And they're out again.
Still just as painful! 

It's been a while since I last saw him, and I'm glad it's that way.
I'd rather only see shreds of evidence. That he's still out there. Existing, living, and just being who he is.
Still just as oblivious as he was.

I don't forgive him, not yet.
It will take time...

But it is pretty safe to say that he's been pushed to the furthest corners of my memory lane. A corner that I occasionally visit.
That I'm forced to visit.

I don't hate him, either. 
I did at some point. But I don't.
I just wished that he didn't do what he did.

There might be a day when I'm able to wipe out every single memory of him from my mind. But I doubt that day would come,
After all, he shattered me and I haven't fully healed yet.

6 years, Z

I would say it has been a pleasure but it really hasn't. Goodbye till we meet again.
Until I get reminded of you again,
I wish I could name you something better, 
But you're best suited as the protagonist of the most painful chapter of my story.