Breathe.

“Jannis, since you will be done with your studies after a year, we were thinking about starting the groom search. Do you have any expectations?” Amma asks casually like we're talking about what to make for dinner.

I just scoff and ignore the question completely. “What?” She prods.

“I thought I told you already. I don’t want to get married. Then if you are looking even after that, what does it mean?” I ask brokenly. I could tell Amma wanted to say more, but Appa had just walked into the room. What else could she ask me?

Don’t panic. Just breathe.

“Look, I did want to find the love of my life a few years back. But I was also naive then. I stupidly trusted people and bent backward so that they would love me. Now I know that there won’t be anyone out there who will love me and make me feel better magically. In fact, no one in my life has ever chosen me. Maybe they find me interesting for a couple of months. But afterward, they get tired of me. I don’t want to get married and wake up 20 years later to learn that he doesn’t love me anymore. There are many things I could do in life, but not marriage.” I rant to my friend, pouring out all the pain I could.

“So tell your mom that?” She tells me.

“If I told my mom that, she would spend the next few years trying to convince me to get married. I don’t have the energy to revisit this topic again and again. For her, it’s finding me a life partner so that I won’t be alone. But for me, it’s this whole life that I’m scared of.”

“I understand what you mean. It is scary, and I hope your parents won’t try to convince you to agree.”

“The good news is that they won’t make me agree to any guy they chose. In fact, my mom did say that they are only starting the search now so that they could find someone in 2 years. I’m going to tell them yes.”

“What? But you don’t want to get married.”

“I wanted it 2 years back. Maybe I will change my mind again after 2 years. Either way, my parents won’t try to convince me for the next few years. I mean Amma was subtly bringing up the topic saying how those relatives were lucky to find a perfect partner and these relatives were lucky. If I say yes, they will stop these tactics and leave me be. Of course, I’m going to tell them my condition to adopt kids. I’m going to do that either way, so if they happen to find a guy that is okay with that, then good. Otherwise, I can use that as an excuse to reject him.”

Just think that some family friend came to visit. Breathe normally.

Can’t they just let a girl be? Sure I wanted to get married a few years back, but I was an idiot back then. I’m still an idiot, but not that bad anymore. Look, I have way too many insecurities. What guy will accept a girl with this many negatives and insecurities? Let’s be honest, I don’t pretty and I’m too chubby. I do wish for a partner to share my life with, but I’m not strong enough to face any rejections or wake up 20 years later feeling like I wasted my life in a loveless marriage. I can’t stand seeing my husband slowly losing interest in me.

I’m good enough for me. I don’t need marriage.

Jannis. You are totally calm. Don’t freak out. Just keep breathing.

“DUDE! I’M FREAKING OUT. There is this dude. He’s 26 years old. Lives in India but is completely ok with moving to the US. He even passed the “phone call with dad” test. So his family learned that I am in India and asked if they could come meet me because who knows when I will be back in India.” I send a message to my freaking, with my heart beating louder than any parai.

“Oh my gosh. Do you want to meet the guy?” She replies.

“I DON’T KNOW! I don’t know anything about this guy! Not to mention my mom is confused as well!”

“Wait, why is your mom confused?”

“Because she wants his family to ask questions about me and do some research like my parents are doing. But apparently, they saw a family picture and read my profile, then realized I was in India, so they decided to meet the girl. WHY DO THEY WANT TO MEET ME?”

“You got this. Listen, you can reject him and be like I just don’t think I like him or something.”

“But I don’t have a good enough reason to reject him. Not to mention I’m locking away my heart and brain until my parents give me an okay. I don’t want to fall for someone and realize my parents don’t like him.”

“Just relax. Your whole family will be looking out for you. Send me his details and I will look him up for you as well.”

“I sent you his LinkedIn profile. His name is James.”

The guy will look at you, realize he can get a prettier bride, and then leave. You can relax and spend the rest of the day hanging out at home. 

Suddenly the door opens, my Amma and my Chitti both walk inside the room. Their presence brings me back from the past and all my rants from this past year.

“Don’t worry, the family is completely cool and jolly. Just greet them and sit casually,” Amma assures me as she guides me out.

As I step out into the hall, my Chitti gestures to me to take a deep breath and smile. Calming all the nerves inside me, I look up and fold my hands together to say Vannakam. As I do so, I meet the pair of eyes staring at me from across the room causing my heart to beat even louder. Something tells me that everything will be ok.

♡♡♡

This story personally means a lot to me. Hope you all enjoy the journey 😊