Lena

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked through tight lips.

"I just got off my flight from New York. Spent the summer at my dad's. I came straight here," he said leaning against his car.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to see you," he said furrowing his eyebrows. "I can't come and see you?" I said nothing. His face shifted, and he added, "You know, I didn't forget about you." I clenched my teeth as he stepped forward. He reached his hand out and touched my cheek.

I flinched and took a step back.

"I'm pregnant," I said.

His eyes widened. "But we never..."

"I know." The porch light turned on. Surely, my dad was waiting for me to come inside. "It's why we broke up," I said with a shrug.

"Don't say that."

I sighed. "Don't be stupid, Nate. You know exactly why we fell off, why you stopped texting me, why you pulled away completely." He got quiet.

"I don't care that you fucked some other guy while I was out of town. We were broken up. Fine. You're pregnant..." he played around with the word, trying to convince himself he could manage that. He couldn't and I didn't want him to. I had moved on a long time ago.

I went into the summer with tears but came out more sure of myself than anything. So, why did I feel so weak standing in front of him? Why did I want to just slap him but hug him, and curse him out but beg for reasons why he left me? Am I not good enough? Was I ever enough?

The door opened and my dad peeked his head out.

"Lena, you coming in, sweetheart?" he asked.

I nodded solemnly.

"Hey, Mr. Gabriel. I was just stopping by."

My dad didn't seem impressed. "Stop by a little earlier next time, Nate."

He wasn't phased by my dad. He never liked Nate. He chose to linger by the door. I turned to Nate. "We're done." He frowned disappointed but I didn't care. How could I possibly hurt someone with the same words he had used with me? "Please don't come back here again." I walked away from him and met my dad at the door, shutting it behind me.

~

"I just realized something," I said into my phone as I lay awake, too nervous for the first day of school to sleep. Derek was on the other end of the call, damn near ready to pass out.

"What?" he said in his deep, sleepy voice.

"You told Desiree to play that song," I said.

He laughed.

"Well, I figured you'd dance to it. And I'm glad I did it. You looked so happy," he said. His voice was starting to come out so slow. I was going to lose him soon. "I'd do anything to make you happy."

I smiled even though he couldn't see me with my phone facing the ceiling and his eyes focused on the back of his eyelids. Tears stung the corners of my eyes. It felt good to have someone feel that way about me when all I had ever known was sacrifice. Always me giving. Always me getting hurt.

He started to snore lightly. When I knew he was asleep, I said, "I think I love you."

/ September 3 /

I woke up nauseous. I held my stomach begging for me to just bring whatever that was bothering me up and out. My stomach happily obliged. I knelt down by the toilet after getting sick and groggily moved toward the sink, washing up.

"Lena!" I heard from downstairs. My mom. If I wasn't showered and downstairs for breakfast soon, we'd have a problem.

"Do I have to go?" I asked when I got downstairs.

"Yes, it's your first day, baby. You hate missing the first day. Said everyone chooses their seats and you'd be forced to sit somewhere you don't like for the rest of the year," my mom explained.

"I did say that, huh," I grumbled as I poked at my oatmeal. A wave of nausea hit me and I held my mouth. "I can't eat this." I pushed it away.

My dad came down the stairs. "Good morning, baby."

"Good morning," my mom and I both said.

"Okay, good morning to both my babies." He pecked my mom on the lips and me on my cheek.

"You're in a good mood," I said with an eyebrow raised.

"Well," he started as he got his coffee ready. "I have an important meeting today and I think that I'll be walking away from it with a job. Six-figure salary."

"No way!" I said. "Can I have a car?"

"Um, let's focus on getting you to school on time," my dad said.

"If I had a car, that wouldn't be an issue now would it?" I replied slyly.

"Lena, you haven't touched your oatmeal," he said.

"I don't want it."

He turned to my mom. They exchanged quick glances before he turned to me again. "Okay, well, we have fruit. You have to eat something." When I said nothing, he continued. "How about this? I'll give you some money and you can buy whatever you want for breakfast when you head out with Tiana." He pulled out a ten-dollar bill.

I smiled big as I swiped it from his hand. "Thanks, daddy. I love you!"

"Yeah, yeah," he said with a chuckle. "Now, hurry up and get your stuff together. I think I heard Tiana's car pulling out."

 It was our Junior year of high school.  We were upperclassmen now. Tiana and I walked past the double doors with our heads held high and a new outlook on the year.  We compared our schedules as soon as we got them.

"You have all those AP's, no way we'll have a class together now," Tiana said disappointedly scanning the schedules.  "Wait, I have AP Psych too."

I waited excitedly for a match.  We both sighed when we realized we had no classes in common.  "We both have B lunch though.  So, I mean, I guess that's a win."

I nodded my head solemnly and tightened the grip I had on my backpack.  Suddenly, I was aware of how many kids swarmed around us.  There were all these new freshman faces and all the familiar ones...  I could feel my breakfast coming up.

"Your class is on the first floor, let's go there first.  I have to go all the way to the third floor after," Tiana said.  I agreed and let her lead me to my first class.  When I sat down, I recognized a couple faces, none of which I was on a talking basis with.  I sat toward the side by the door and waited for the students to settle in.

They were so happy.  A few greeted me, but then they moved toward their friend groups.  The same ones they were glued to since freshman year.  I eyed the door from my island.  If I left now, no one would notice.  

I rubbed my arm and held myself, my sole refuge.  The lights in here were so bright.  I snuck another glance at the smiling faces around me.  I missed you!  How was your summer?   Somehow their chirps fell to a muffled lull.

The day churned.  Class after class.  Teacher after teacher.  Smile after smile.  A bell.  Freedom.

From the bench by the parking lot, I spotted Tiana with a group of friends.  When she saw me, she rushed over.  "Today was not so bad.  There's this cute guy in my Biology class.  He's new--which explains why he's so cute."  

I tried to give her a smile.  She never asked about my day and I didn't bother telling her.

Derek

I rolled off the bed in the morning, my alarm screeching in my ear.  Six a.m.  For the past three weeks, this had been my routine.  It shifted only slightly with the start of school.  

Shower.

Cereal.

Work.

My dad greeted me as I entered the garage.  I worked under a car for a little and cleaned myself off.

Lunch.

A ham sandwich today.  I got to eat it outside since the weather was nice.  Not too hot.

Work.

I worked on the engine of a car for a bit and then jumped out of my uniform.

Shower.

Class.

Community college professors seemed to drone on and on about attendance policies and course objectives.  At least I got to go home after an hour and a half today.

Gym.

Liam had one in his garage and every day I'd go and lift weights with him.  Today, he spent more time on his phone, texting his girlfriend.

"Look at this," he said.  He turned his phone and showed me the image on the screen.  Cassie making a duck face in her bed.  "She's so fucking cute."

Dinner.

"How was your first day of class, sweetheart?" my mom asked.

"It was good," I said.

Bed.

The FaceTime rang.  "Hey," I heard on the other line.  I smiled automatically.  This was the best part of my day.

"Hey," I said back.  "What'd you get us for dinner?"

She laughed through the phone as she set up her bag of take-out on the bed.  "Comfort food.  Chicken, fries--ooh, and I got dessert."  She raised up a brownie, the excitement in her eyes clear.  "Lucky for me, I don't actually have to share with you."

"Woooow," I entertained her satire.  "How was your day?  I know it was your first day."

She shifted and averted her eyes down.  Even though she tried to play it off, her eyes still come up distant when she focused on me.  "I don't know..."

I frowned at her, feeling myself yearning to get closer to her, make her feel better.  There was only so much that could be done through a screen.  The image of her wasn't really her; her laughs lagged, her smile blurred, her smell nonexistent, her touch unknown.  Every day it became more and more evident what 4,000 miles were.  

"What's wrong?" I pleaded, searching her eyes.

"I don't know.  I just--"  She threw a glance over to the side of the screen, stealing the pleasure I had of attempting to decipher what was on her mind by what was in her eyes.  "It's just too different, Derek.  School."

She got quiet.  Sighed.

"This is supposed to be the easiest time.  I mean, no one knows..."  She turned to look at me.  No one knows she's pregnant yet.  "But they will eventually when it somehow gets back to them or I start showing... I don't think I'd be about to handle it alone."

"I'm sorry, I really wish I could be there..."  With her eyes gazing at me hopefully, I wanted more than anything to not just say the right thing but do the right thing.  

"You should've never graduated.  You should've stayed a senior and gone here with me," she joked.  

"Not a super senior!"  This made her laugh which made me smile until we were both quiet again.  "If you don't feel comfortable there, you don't feel comfortable," I said addressing her ambivalence toward her own feelings.  "Maybe..." I started thinking.  "Maybe you don't go there."

She raised an eyebrow at me, unsure as to where I was going with this.

"Maybe you go somewhere that's new.  Yours to get to know.  New people, new environment."

"Hm," she said under her breath as she entertained the thought.  She was quiet for a long while and then turned to me.  "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a good person." 

"Thank you?" My confusion brought me to laughter.

"It's just sometimes I get used to being around a lot of bad people, I don't think there's any more left..."  Her room was dark now.  She had turned out the lamp and was cuddled up into her bed, her voice a lullaby of her own device.

Without thinking, I asked, "Are you talking about guys?"  It was the first time addressing the man I had saw on last night at the Labor Day barbecue.  

"Yeah, I guess."  She let out a laugh that left as quickly as it came.  "That guy you saw, um..."  I waited anxiously.  I had been so close to letting her know how I felt about her.  Clearly, this guy meant something to her or used to.  "We used to date.  It was good, it was great until it wasn't."  She sighed.  "I don't know...we're good. Right?"

My heart let me believe we were on the same wavelength.

"After him, I never thought I could have something so effortless with a guy.  With you, things just...make sense.  We make sense.  In a weird way.  After all this craziness, we're here."  A pause.  "I never thought we'd be here," she added incredulously.  "But I'm glad that we are.   I don't want to scare you away, but..."  

I leaned in as if her next words would slip and fall before I could catch them.

"I think you're my best friend."

My eyes widened.  The words that had been begging to meet the air caught in my throat.

"Hello?" she said.  "Well, one of.  I mean, I still have Tiana..."  She rambled, but then I quickly mended her worry.

"You're my best friend, too."  It was closest I would get tonight to what I really wanted to say.  Besides, it was true.  I smiled at her even though she couldn't see me.  She popped up on the screen again, her lips adorning a sweet smile, her eyes bright from the screen.

"I'll see you on Friday for the appointment, bestie?"

I let out a breath.  I didn't know I could still feel relief when I didn't get to say what was on my chest.  I realized soon, it was peace.  With her, I had peace.  I think I love you.  The thought escaped unwarranted.  As much as it scared me, it excited me more.

She raised her eyebrows, expectant of an answer.

"Yeah, of course."

When she got the response she desired, she dove into her favorite topic.  Food.  "You know, if you decide to spend the weekend here, we should go to this new ramen spot.  I heard it's--"  A brief rap on the door interrupted her.  "Yeah?"

The door creaked open.  His voice was low but I recognized it as Mr. Gabriel's.  "Nate's downstairs.  Wants to talk to you."

"I'm on the phone."

"This kid's relentless, mija.  Tell him whatever you need to so he'll stop coming to my house after dark like he's a damn roach."

She sighed as if the thought of even going downstairs was exhausting, but replied.  "Okay."  The door shut swiftly and she turned to me.  "I'll be right back.  Shouldn't take too long."

"You know what, I'm actually just gonna knock out.  You go ahead."

"Oh."  The disappointment was clear.  "Well, then, good night."  She gave me another smile for good measure.

"Good night," I said.

A final beep ended the call.