July 19

Lena 

Up close, Toni de Marco had soft freckles scattered along her cheeks and nose something I never noticed before.  Up close you could see how her bangs covered some acne scars as it sat limply on her forehead.  She had a great smile though, but she didn't wear her retainer.  

I had to sit down when I talked to her because otherwise I felt like I was talking to a child as she came up to about my chest.  Except today I couldn't talk to her because she was late.  She was always late.  I missed working with Cassie as soon as she dramatically hugged me goodbye and was replaced by the fun-sized version of disappointment, but maybe I was being too harsh. 

"Hey!" she beamed when she came in.

"Hey!" I said replicating her energy.  I was positive I sounded fake.

"Sorry I'm late, I just had to get breakfast.  It is the most important meal of the day after all," she said.  "Did you have breakfast?  You always seem to be here so early."  I was taking out the assignment we had been working on the past few classes.  I gestured to the tea and banana on the table.  "Ah," she said unimpressed.  "The cafeteria serves french toast sometimes."

"I'm good," I said simply.  I handed her the script which she flipped through.  Another thing about Toni was that she was very active with her expressions especially when reading my scripts.  I kept my eyes trained on her while she read.  At one point she furrowed her eyebrows confused, then she laughed amused.  I narrowed my eyes trying to decipher each expression.  "So?"

She looked up, her bangs flipping when she did so.  "It's...interesting."

"Interesting...?" I trailed.  I can only play nice for so long, tread lightly.

"The character Margaret kind of reminds me of myself," she said.  "Although I'd never say 'I really want to be with you,' I'd say something more like 'I don't think I can live without you.'  I think it gives it more passion that seems to be missing from this scene.  I mean, Margaret is in love with Rick and a sentence like the latter can really give off the idea that she wants him and the magnitude of her love with just a few words."  I stared at her blankly.  "Just my two cents."  More like your two dollars.  

"If I changed it to--what was it--'I don't think I can live without you,' would you be able to embody this passion you speak of because up until this point we haven't really explored dimensional characters yet.  I don't want to present a piece that isn't ready."

Translation: You can't act.

"I'm ready.  I just didn't know if you were," she said this with a smile but its origins were anything but friendly.

"I'll make the updates," I said not in the mood to argue.  I got on my laptop and started developing the characters more.  I could see their conversation in my head and the more I did, the less I believed Toni, who had gotten up to chat with another actor, could pull it off.  She wanted dimension though, a challenge as an actor, and what more could I do than to provide?

When I had sunk into my groove, she reappeared, watching me work.  I looked up a few times before pausing and saying, "Yes?"

"Nothing, it's just this same passion is what I expected to see Margaret have," she said.  Noting my expression she added, "I'm not trying to be annoying.  I just know you can get me there with my acting.  You are one of the best screenwriters here."  Because she sounded genuine I paused and closed my laptop halfway before turning my attention to her.  "I know you don't like me much and I have to ask is it because of Derek?"  

I didn't respond.  

She sighed and said, "Before they partnered us, I wanted to ask him out."  This caught my attention, but still I said nothing.  "We still have a few more weeks working together so if that's going to be a problem I won't do it.  I am a woman of my word."

"I don't care," I said turning away from her and opening my laptop.

"Lena, I'm being serious," she said.  "Even if me and him did kiss."  I froze.  "Like you, winning means everything to me."

"I'm not like you, Toni," I shot out.  "And only one of us can win.  So, please let me focus."  Then, I continued writing without looking up even as she watched me disappointed before leaving me at peace.

August 1

It was the second screening.  Richardson and Pamela were not presenting, but the counselors were responsible for the set up.  In order to gather people, they had set up a barbecue for dinner.  Instead of our usual, tired dinner, they decided to spice thing up for the occasion with Cajun inspired cuisine.  

Tiana waved me over once she saw me nearing the picnic table.  Around her was Parker and Cassie.  They both smiled when I took the spot beside Tiana.  Parker's smile, however was different.  

It was that smile people gave you when they felt a little bad for you, when they believed you weren't okay but didn't want to be the one to ask if you were because then you'd have to tell them you weren't.  It's tough on both ends of the "Are you okay?" because one person had to trust the other enough to reveal they weren't and the other had to be patient enough to stay when the answer is no.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," Tiana said.  "Well, I see you when you're passing me sometimes."

"You've really been working, huh?" Cassie asked.  "It seems you're always out doing something."

"I've just been putting more time into my writing," I said.  I happened to have more energy and time these past few weeks.  It seemed that drowning myself in projects, starting a new one before the last one could even be completed, helped keep Derek off my mind.  I didn't give myself time to stop and think how sweet he was and how he made me feel when I was kissing him.  I missed kissing him.  I missed hugging him and talking to him.

I had to remind myself of the worst parts of him for me to move on, how he used me.  Everyone seems sweet at first, Lena, I thought, until they get what they want.  How could I have been so stupid?  If there was one thing I knew how to do right, it was write.  Nowadays, it was one of the few things that brought a smile to my face.

"Lena," Parker said.  

"What?"

"You're number two," she said beaming.  I turned to see the screen that had been rolled out and was updating.  In the second slot was my name.  For a moment, I just stared at it trying to register it.  Tiana hugged me and congratulated me.

"You're the best writer I know, Lena.  I'm so proud of you," Tiana said.  All around me, the girls were smiling and gushing about how I earned a score so high, but despite all the convincing I did these past few weeks, I couldn't help but scan the crowd for the person I wanted to celebrate with most.

Dinner was served soon after.  For me, baked mac and cheese with grilled shrimp and fries.  It felt good to forget the work that I had accumulated sitting on my dresser and Derek.  As soon as I thought it, I saw him appear from the corner of my eyes.  Instead of the same group of friends he usually was around, it was just Toni.  I smiled and nodded at whatever it was Cassie was talking about while my eyes followed as she moved her hand to his arm.  She would do that every so often while talking to him.  Sometimes she'd twirl her hair with her finger.  

I thought I had been doing well with refraining from thinking so negatively of her and had even accepted her crush on him.  Although her hair was rather greasy tonight.  She turned to face me which made me jump.  She smiled big and waved at me.  Derek followed her gaze and when he realized it was me, his expression changed.  He gave me a soft smile.  It was similar to the "Are you okay?" smile but his own version because he knew he had caused it.

I didn't return the smile, but I also didn't avert my gaze immediately.  Toni, being the best at reading social cues, decided to approach me and urged Derek to join her.  "Hey!" she said when she was near.  "I saw your name on the board.  Second place!  That's crazy.  Congratulations."

"Thank you," I said avoiding Derek. 

"Hey, guys," Toni said to the girls.  They all greeted her back.  To me, "I'm fifth now.  That recent piece you wrote put me over the edge I think."  I smiled softly.  She looked up at Derek then back at me, "Well, I guess we'll see you later."  I nodded, looking more at my hands than either of them.  I could feel his eyes on me in the attempts to get me to look up and grant him the opportunity to apologize.  When I looked up after a few beats, he and Toni had left.

"This shrimp tastes a little weird to me," Parker said.

"Why?  Because it has seasoning?" Tiana joked.  Cassie's eyes widened and she laughed.  I went along with the motions.  

Later that night, I sat on my bed pensive.  No one was home, but at any minute they'd run in here.  The silence was comforting.  I had to get used to my solitude recently and although I didn't like it all the time, it was starting to feel nice.  I smiled to myself.  

A lot of times, girls said things they didn't mean.  They said they didn't like a guy, or they were cool with a girl, or they were over their ex.  They weren't necessarily lying, but more so trying to convince themselves.  At the end of the day, they knew what they wanted no matter what came out their mouths.  

I wanted Derek.  So badly.  But today, for the first time, seeing him as someone else's made me realize, I just wanted to move on.  And win.  Forget this ever happened without anything or anybody to remind me of what was.

The next morning I woke up with a start.  Not because I was ready to face the day and get my work done, but because the nausea that overtook me was my driving force.  I ran into the bathroom, and emptied the contents that had been upsetting me.  At the sink, I cleaned myself up.  

"You too?" Alexis said.  I looked to her and saw her watching me concerned.  "Dude, earlier today that happened to me."

"Oh yeah?" I said.   

"I don't know, I think it was yesterday's dinner.  What'd you have?" she asked.

"The shrimp," I said.

"Me too!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know about y'all but I'm fine," Parker said from the comfort of her bunk.

"You didn't have the shrimp, Parker," Cassie said.

"Oh right.  It was gross so I didn't finish it."

I walked out the bathroom and gathered my belongings for class.  Cassie added, "I had the shrimp too and my stomach was hurting last night.  If you two still feel bad at the end of the day, you can see the nurse."

"They're only going to tell me to rest and have lots of fluids," I said, "which I've got covered."  I waved around my water bottle.  

"Alright, but if you're still sick tomorrow, I'm dragging you there myself," Cassie said.  I laughed as we left the cabin, for the first time since arriving to camp in June, all four of us at once.  The day went on as most did.  Today, however, Tiana wanted to have lunch so I stopped by the music building and waited outside.

I stood there for a few minutes before getting impatient and going inside to get her myself.  The lounge was empty besides a few students.  Because this wasn't the first time in this area, I knew my way around and toured the hallways until I got to the practice room.

"Tiana," I said expecting her to appear.  I paused when I heard a familiar song.  It, like me, stopped suddenly.  Posed on a chair on the other side of the room was Derek with his guitar sitting on his lap.  He set it down and stood up.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."  Then it was quiet.  I hadn't truly spoken to him in little over a month.  "I see you're playing the song."

"Still a work in progress," he continued.  "It's just not the same without you singing it with me."

"I guess it'll always be a work in progress then."  I didn't mean for it to come out as cold as it did.

He walked closer to me.  "Lena, can we talk?"

"I don't really want to, Derek," I said simply.  

"I miss you," he confessed anyway.  "Please, can we talk tonight?  I'll be at our spot by the lake at seven.  I can't have you hating me forever."  He held my gaze hopeful. 

"Okay," I said. 

"Lena," I heard Tiana say from behind me.  "What are you doing?  You weren't outside."  She trailed off when she saw what she had walked into.  "Do I need to give you some privacy?"

"No," I said.  "Let's go."  I glanced back at Derek as I left.  Leaving the building, I wavered.  The ground seemed to be moving beneath me and I had to hold on to the door post to stabilize myself.  

"Woah, are you okay?" Tiana asked.

I nodded, "I'm fine."  My body felt too light for me to do anything but float wherever she led me.  My feet moved in small steps as we passed the main entrance of the building.

"Lena," Tiana said.

I looked up at her.  "What?"

"You look so out of it," she said.  "What'd he say?  Lena?"  There were two of her, then three, then there were none.  For what seemed like a long time everything was black.  Then it was white, bright and fluorescent.  I squinted and rubbed my eyes which darted around the room back and forth soon afterwards trying to get a better sense of my environment.

"Lena," I heard.  I whipped around to see an older woman.  She had short hair and bangs that were graying.  Her glasses that were attached as though it were a necklace had been moved to the top of her head.  On her shirt was badge that said Nurse Kathy.  

"It's okay.  Don't move around too much just relax.  You seemed to have fainted this afternoon."  Her kind eyes and motherly tone brought me a comfort I hadn't felt in a long time.  She handed me a cup of water.  I sat up slowly to drink it.  Just a few drops on my tongue was enough, so I set it down.

"You should really have more of that," she advised.  "You seem to be very dehydrated."

"I got sick earlier today, but I've been drinking water all day to make up for the fluids," I said.

She moved her glasses down to the bridge of her nose and with the clipboard in her hands wrote some things down.  "You threw up?" she asked me.  I nodded.

"I had some bad shrimp yesterday.  My roommates have been feeling sick too," I said.  

She jotted some notes down on her notebook.  "And how are you feeling now?"

"Still a little nauseous, but less dizzy," I said.  "Do you think it has anything to do with the shrimp?"

"Well, I have yet to have any complaints about stomach pain due to the shrimp, but if your roommates are also feeling sick, you may be onto something."  She gave me a small smile.  "I'm going to ask you a few questions and then we'll take some tests to rule out things like a virus.  Okay?"  I nodded ready to be out of here already.

"Do you smoke or drink?" she asked.  I shook my head.  What teenager answers yes?  "Are you sexually active?"  Technically, no.  I shook my head again.  "When's the last time you got your period?"  

I thought about this briefly then answered, "Early June."  Seeing her expression, I added, "My period's always been irregular."

She nodded and spent some more time writing her final notes.  She then handed me a cup and said, "Take this.  There's a restroom down the hall.  We have water here if you need some."  I looked down at it baffled before getting up and going to the restroom.  I returned promptly and handed it to her.

"Alrighty, give me a second and I'll be back," she said.  When she left the room, I laid back on the cot and sighed.  I even took a few more sips of the water.  At once, everything came crashing back.  Talking to Derek, losing my balance with Tiana.  I had agreed to meet with him.  A thumping in head began to pulsate forcing the thought out at the same time Nurse Kathy returned.

I sat up.  I tried to read her expression, but couldn't decipher anything particular.  "You are definitely in need of water, honey," she said.  "The dehydration may have caused you to faint."  She paused and finally I could see something fall upon her face: empathy.  "Sweetie, you are going to need to drink more water because--"

"I will," I said holding the cup of water up.  "It's empty now," I added proudly with a big smile.

"Because," she continued.  "You're pregnant."

I dropped the cup.  It fell between us with no one bothering to interrupt its descent.  My heart began racing, thumping viciously against my chest.  I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, surging from every source on my body, making me numb in some places but overwhelmed in others.  I lost control of tasks I thought were innate, but I managed to squeeze out a mix between a cry and a plea.  "What?"