***So I actually wrote this on Wednesday, but I haven't had the time, energy, or desire to edit it until now. I honestly thought the material stunk until I went back through it and realized there's some pretty golden stuff in here.

Not everything is going to make perfect sense, especially the Pythor parts. This is very satirized LOL

Also, if anyone's interested, I did turn two of my oneshots into books - the "Coffee" oneshots and the "Bachelorette" oneshot. I update "Coffee" sporadically, and the "Bachelorette" book ("Single, Not Looking") is on a biweekly update schedule until I finish my INK series.***

***(Jay's POV)***

My head hurts like crazy. Pain spikes through my skull with every inhale, and it makes me feel icky.

I slowly blink my eyes against the light. What time is it? Day? Year? Everything hurts so bad to think of.

And then it all hits me like a brick in the face. Honestly, a brick in the face would do little to hurt me – my head already aches so bad – but...oh, I'm getting distracted!

"Omigosh!" I yell. "Nya!" The sound of my cries hurts my pounding head even more, but I struggle through.

Something horrible could've happened to her! There was obviously some villain – did she say it was Pythor? – who was hiding out at my dad's house, and she was as high as a kite. She couldn't defend herself if he tried anything! How long have I been out? I might've been stuck up here for hours, and now Nya could be gone, and –

"You're awake, I see," muses Pythor as he slithers toward me.

I blink, looking around. It appears...I'm in my dad's bedroom.

I try to summon my powers, but my efforts are futile. In fact, my wrists are...chained between the nightstand and the bedpost so I hang awkwardly off the side of the mattress.

Vengestone cuffs. Classic. Can't villains be any more creative?

"Pythor," I bite out. "What have you done with Nya?"

He rolls his eyes. "She's outside. Seriously, I was expecting more of a fight from you two. In fact, I wasn't expecting you to show up at all."

"What were you even doing here? How'd you get in my birth dad's house? Or...my house, I guess."

"I have my ways. They turned off the water at my digs, so I thought I'd borrow your shower. I tried the monastery, but the toilet was clogged there something awful."

"I know, right? It was Cole's – " I shake my head. I don't have time for this!

"Pythor, you can use my shower," I spit. "Just let me go and tell me exactly where Nya is. She shouldn't be alone right now! She drank the wrong smoothie, and it turns out it was drugged with this tea that – "

"I don't need your life story." Pythor grabs a bathrobe off a hook on the wall. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish my bathing routine. I'll be back for you in around half an hour, and then I'll go...oh, I don't know, drown you in the giant swimming pool out back or something. You seem to have an abundance of water here, unlike my humble abode."

"And you seem to have forgotten that we can't leave Nya alone right now! She'll run out in the road and get hit by a car, or she'll drink antifreeze in the garage, or – oh, gosh, Pythor! Take your shower, but at least bring Nya up here with me first! Somebody has to keep an eye on her!"

"Oh, believe me, I took care of her already. She currently thinks she's playing 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' in the garage while simultaneously inhaling a large dose of carbon monoxide. It's not creative, but it's an effective way to kill someone."

***Now, if you're ever ACTUALLY exposed to carbon monoxide in this kind of situation, you should definitely take a trip to the hospital. Even though it may take a lot of exposure to experience symptoms like dizziness and all that, it's not good to inhale any of it. There's my disclaimer.***

"You're poisoning her?!" I exclaim. "You're nuts, Pythor! You can use my shower whenever you want. You can live here, if you want to. Just go get her out of there before she dies!" I feel like I've run a marathon by the time I finish speaking.

"If I kill both of you, not only do I get free use of your house, but I also don't have to worry about you turning me in." He begins to leave, then curses. "I forgot my shower cap outside from when you so rudely interrupted my ablutions. I'll be back in a moment. Toodleoo for now!" He slithers out.

And I go into full-on panic mode. "Oh my gosh, Jay, think! You have to get free of these cuffs so you can get outside and save Nya. She's in trouble, and she sure as heck can't save herself! Okay, okay, think." I take a huge breath. "It's going to be all right, Jay. You always pull through when times get hard."

I look around me for any method of escape – maybe some oil I could rub on my wrists so I could shimmy out of these cuffs! Or a key. A key would be nice, too.

But as I continue to search in vain for a way out, despair fills me. Nya's been in that garage for a while now. What if she takes her last breaths without anyone around? What if I fail her? What if when I die and meet her in the Departed Realm, she blames me for getting her there so early?!

"I'm sorry, Nya," I sniff. "I'm not the best boyfriend ever. You were wrong when you said that. I'm the worst! I can't get myself out of these cuffs to come save you." I shake my head. "No, Jay, you can't give up! She needs you! Um, um, um...maybe I should...try...um..."

My eyes zero in on the landline phone, which sits on the nightstand across from me.

"Yes!" I cry. "I can call the police! And the guys, too. If only I can reach..." I stretch myself out, wiggling my foot toward the device. If I can kick the phone off its stand and toward me, I can maybe get it close enough to reach the buttons! Or I can dial with my toes or something. That'd work!

I manage to get my foot wrapped around the phone. "Okay, Jay. Here's what you have to do. Just kick the phone to the edge of the dresser, then flip it over so you can reach. Once you've got it in your grasp, you just have to – "

My foot knocks the phone off the edge of the dresser, and it falls to the floor with a plastic thump. As a bonus, the batteries pop out.

I typically say using bad language is a sign of poor grammar skills, but this is one of the few times in my life I am happy and willing to swear.

"Nya!" I wail. "Honey, I'm so, so sorry! I'm trying, but none of this is working out for me!" I clench my eyes against tears.

That's when I hear rustling outside.

Pythor!

Okay, this is what I have to do. The moment he gets close enough, I have to go full-on fight mode against him and take him down. Maybe I can use my feet, since those are free. Or my shoes! I could wrestle one of my shoes off, then kick it off right toward his head!

The doorknob rattles, and I ready myself to fight. I don't have much time, so I'll have to –

"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?" Nya asks, poking her head in the door.

I blanch. "Nya? I mean – Nya! You're all right!" Tears form in my eyes all over again.

"Jay-Jay!" she squeals, rushing toward me. She trips on the carpet and falls onto the floor.

"Oh!" I yell. "Be careful, sweetheart. I just got you back from the dead. I'm not losing you again! How did you get here? Where's Pythor at? Wait – never mind that. Hun, I need you to help me get out of these cuffs so I can keep something like that from ever happening again! Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, Nya. I thought I'd lost you for sure – I thought I'd failed you!"

She picks herself up off the ground, then finishes running toward me and flops onto the bed. She wiggles her way up next to me, throwing her arms around my chest. "I missed you!"

"I know, Nya. I missed you, too. Now I need you to help me get out of these cuffs, okay?"

"What cuffs?"

"Look at my wrists, sweetheart. They're locked to the bedpost by a pair of handcuffs. If you grab me some lotion or something, I can slip out of them."

"Ooh, lotion? What flavors do we have?"

"We don't eat lotion, Nya!" I sigh. "Just open up the dresser next to us, okay? See if you can find something slick."

"But I just found you! I searched the whole house, Jay. I got bored while I was waiting in the garage for Pythor – he stopped giving me hints about where the donkey was – so I pulled off my blindfold. But then I found out he was gone, and I was all alone!" She kisses my cheek. "But not anymore!"

"Nya, hun, I'm glad you found me, but will you please, please, please look through that dresser for me?"

"Hmm." She taps her chin, then grins. "Of course, Jay. What are we looking for again?"

"Lotion, Nya."

"I know. But what flavor do you want?"

I shake my head. "I don't care, sweetie. Just give me the first bottle you find. In fact, throw everything you find on the floor so I can see it."

"Okay!" She wriggles off the bed, then bounces over to the dresser, tearing the front drawer open. She throws out several t-shirts and the occasional valuable that probably shouldn't be handled with such nonchalance.

I could care less right now. We're both alive, and that's all that matters.

"Nya, did you see Pythor while you were looking for me?" I ask. I'm wondering why he hasn't come back yet.

"Yup," she replies, grabbing a bottle of hair gel. She pops the top on it, smelling what's inside.

"Good job, Nya!" I exclaim. "Now bring me the bottle, okay?"

"Okay." She fully removes the top, squirting a little into her hand. "Just let me taste it first."

"No!" I shout.

She scowls at me. "Don't shout at me, Jay! It's not nice."

"All right, all right." I soften my tone. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I was just scared. You can't eat that stuff – it's bad for you."

"Then why do you want it?"

"Because I'm only putting it on my hands. Will you please bring it to me, Nya?" I try to sound gentle, but I'm actually spazzing out right now.

She smiles. "Okay. I forgive you." Rising, she walks toward me, squirts a little more gel in her hand, and plops it right on my head.

I take a deep breath. "Nya, can you put some on my hands? I know it's made for hair, but I want it on my hands right now."

She tsks. "I can rub it in your hair for you, Jay. You don't need it on your hands."

"Yes, I do. It'll help me slip out of my handcuffs, remember?" Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue.

"Mmkay. I'm still going to rub it in your hair, though. Otherwise, it'll just look funny." She giggles as a drop of gel slides down onto my forehead.

"Whatever you want, sweetie." I wait eagerly as she squirts some hair gel into my open palms.

She finishes, throwing the bottle to the side. "Mmkay. Styling time!" She runs her fingers through my hair, mixing the gel around. I wince as she touches the tender place where Pythor hit me.

Meanwhile, I rub my palms together, beginning the painful process of slipping my hands out of my cuffs. "So you said you saw Pythor, Nya?"

"Mmhmm. He might've come out to play again after he left me blindfolded."

"So...what did you do?" I frown.

"Well, I was getting really bored in the garage, and I wanted to come find you. Pythor said you were playing a game, and that's why you fell on the ground earlier. I was really mad at first when he hit you, but when he explained it, I calmed down. And then he made me sit in the garage. He took the keys from you for our car, and then he turned it on and closed the garage door. After that, he brought you inside, and then he came back out with a blindfold and we played a game. But as I said, I got super bored, and I really missed you, so I tried to get out of the garage. But the door was locked, so I climbed in the car to try one of the buttons. Don't be mad, Jay! I didn't have anything else to do."

"Uh...what button?" I swallow.

"I actually hit several buttons. Like, a bunch."

I go on high alert. "Nya, what happened when you hit those buttons?"

"Well, the windshield wipers started up, the headlights turned on, the seat reclined back. And then I hit one that said 'silencer' but nothing happened."

"That's because the silencer turns off the sound on the vehicle's weapons, Nya." My eyes bulge. "Did you use any of the weapons?" I finally get one of my hands out of the cuffs.

"Just one. Pythor came back out to play, but I accidentally hit a big red button, and all of a sudden, there was this beam of light, and it surrounded Pythor!"

"A beam of light?" I gulp. "W-what happened to Pythor, Nya?"

"He's in a pool on the ground."

I blanch. "Nya, you – you shot Pythor with our heat-seeking atomic displacement ray!" He literally is in a pool on the ground!

"Yeah, but he's okay, Jay. He's just playing, remember? And when he came back to the garage, Pythor left the door to the inside unlocked, so I was able to get back in here and find you!"

I panic. "Did you leave the door open, or did you close it?"

"Um..." She scrunches up her forehead. "I'm sorry. I don't remember."

I finally get my other hand out of its cuff, and I wrap my arms around her, pressing my lips to her cheek. "Okay, sweetheart. You stay right here. I'm going to go downstairs really quick, but I'll be back before you know it." I quickly set a timer for five minutes on my phone, then hand the device over to her. "If I'm not back by the time that alarm goes off, you call for help. And I don't mean one of the guys – I mean you call the emergency number. What's the emergency number, Nya?" I rise, quickly crossing to the window and throwing it open.

"9-1-1."

"Good job, sweetie. Come here and stick your head out the window, and don't you dare move, okay? You'll be safe like that." Oh, gosh, I'm going to die.

"But that's boring!"

"But it's really, really important. We could be in danger, Nya."

"But you just said I would be safe, just as long as I kept my head out the window." She gasps. "You're not safe!"

"No, but I'll be okay. If I'm not back by the time that alarm goes off, you call the emergency number, Nya. Tell them that somebody could have carbon monoxide poisoning."

"What's that?"

"Something dangerous." I start the timer. "See you in a few minutes, okay?"

"I don't want to be alone!"

"But you won't be for long. Just stay here, Nya. I love you, okay? Be back before you know it!" I hold the neck of my shirt over my face, not knowing how well it'll do against carbon monoxide. It's worth a shot, though.

Closing the door behind me, I bolt for the indoor control panel to the garage. All I need to do is open the outdoor garage door, and we can get some fresh air in there. Then, after the gas has cleared out a little, I can go turn off the car.

Gosh, why does Nya have to be the high one? She's so much better at dealing with situations like this than me! I just freak out! Why does this have to be –

Yes! I reach the control panel, hitting the button to open the garage's outside door.

I sigh with relief when I see that Nya did remember to close the door to the inside. At least that blocked most of the gas from getting in the house.

I throw open several windows downstairs before heading back up to the second floor – where Nya is.

I toss open the bedroom door, sighing with relief and rushing inside. "I'm okay, honey! I – Nya?!" She's...nowhere around here!

Oh, no. I'm going to have to go back through the house after her!

I'm just about to open my bedroom door, when –

"Jay?" says Nya's voice.

I whip around. "Oh my gosh, honey! What – what are you doing on the roof? You're going to get killed!" I rush over to the window, holding out my arms for her.

She happily jumps into them. "I was trying to say goodbye to Pythor. He was leaving, and we never even finished our game."

"Goodbye to – Pythor's dead, Nya! You displaced all the atoms in his body! How could – oh, never mind." I hug her against my chest. "We're just going to stay up here a while, okay? What would you like to do?"

She beams. "Wanna make out?"

"And we're back to this," I smile. "Nope, let's not do that right now, okay?"

"Why not?"

"Because..." I let her go, grabbing the quilt off my bed. "We're building a fort. I'm going to show you that being high around Jay Walker can be a whole lot of fun."

***That's not suggestive. Don't even go there.***

The next few hours are, needless to say, much less stressful. We find Twister in the closet – I have to let Nya win a few times, given that she lacks muscular coordination – and I let her gel my hair.

I don't know how Kai deals with this much hair product.

Once I've sufficiently aired out the house, we go downstairs, and I make dinner while she...pretends to read me a recipe that would never actually work in real life. I just smile and play along, though. Hey, if she's happy and not in serious danger, I'm happy.

And then finally, when I'm at the end of my rope for what to do with her, she shows some sign of being tired. I can hear the Destiny Writers singing above.

She pushes her pizza plate toward me, rubbing at her eyes. "Jay, I feel really...sleepy," she yawns.

"Sweet." I take her plate and shove it next to the sink. I'll take care of it the next time I come here. It won't be another month until then, but whatever. Food mold is the least of my worries right now.

"What do you mean, 'sweet'?" she asks.

"I mean we both can finally get some rest. You're a handful." I take her hands. "Come on. I'm ready to pass out on the couch while watching some mindless television."

"But that's – "

"Boring, I know. I've heard you say that so many times today." I pull her out of her chair by her hands, and she flops against me.

"Piggyback ride?" she asks.

I stifle a grin. "Sure, sweetie." I bend down, and she wraps her arms limply around my neck. I position my elbows under her knees, and we walk to the TV room like that. She lets go of me, falling backwards onto the couch with a giggle.

I throw a mound of couch cushions on the floor, then fall onto them, motioning for Nya to join me. She happily rolls off the couch, bouncing onto my lap and grabbing onto my shirt before she can roll down the cushion pile.

I lazily drape a duvet over us and just relax into the sofa cushions. Exhaustion weighs down my eyelids, and I try to stay awake until Nya's asleep. She doesn't need to get into any more trouble.

"You make me so happy," she yawns.

My heart is doing happy things. "Aww. Thanks, Nya. You make me happy, too." I nuzzle her nose. "Nighty-night, sweetheart. I'm turning on the television."

She places her lips right next to mine, sloppily kissing me goodnight. "You're sure you don't wanna make out?"

"Tomorrow," I promise. "It's time to go to sleep, okay?"

She sighs. "Tomorrow's so far away."

"Not really. Just close your eyes, and I promise it'll be here soon." Just go to bed already, Nya. I love you, but I need sleep.

"Mmkay." She tucks her chin against mine. "Can I wake you up if I get bored?"

"You'd better wake me up should you even rise to tinkle. You're not going anywhere without me." I seriously hope I'm not too exhausted to wake up if she moves. My ninja training may be good for defeating criminals, but not for occupying my high girlfriend.

"Good niiiiiiiiiiiiiight," she sings.

"Good night. Go to bed."

"I – "

"Nya, for the love of Pete, just go to sleep already."

"Who's Pete?"

"Someone who wants you to go to bed."

"Hmmph. I don't care what he thinks."

"But you care what I think, and I think you need some rest. Just close your eyes for five minutes, okay? I'll tell you when your five minutes are over, and if you're not asleep by that time, we'll go do something else." There is no way in heck I'm telling her when five minutes are up.

"Okay," she finally concedes, burrowing her head under my shoulder.

And I pass out right next to her, not even having the energy to watch one TV show.

"Jay?" someone asks from far away.

I crack my eyes open to see sunlight streaming through a window.

I groan, rolling over toward my Yang. "Hey, Nya."

She frowns. "How did we get here?"

"Oh, right. You're not drugged up anymore." I laugh softly. "It's a long story. Let's just say I'm glad you're back."

"I was...drugged up?"

"Yeah. You swapped smoothies with Mystaké and ended up with some crazy tea in your system. You were as high as a kite." I pull her closer to me, finally able to enjoy the pleasure of being close to her. Without her pushing for a make out session.

"Aww, nuts," she grumbles. "Did I say or do anything stupid?"

"Oh, you'd better bet. You also singlehandedly took down Pythor and helped save both our skins."

She raises her eyebrows.

"We have a lot to talk about," I smile. "But it's good to have you back, and I don't really feel like recounting all you put me through yesterday just yet. I'll torture you about it later."

"Now I'm worried. Um...none of the guys saw me like that, right? Because I know they'd hold it against me. You? At least you'll poke fun at me in private. You'd better do it in private."

"I will," I say placatingly, but my grin turns wicked. "And I have a lot of material to use now. You named all the trees in my dad's yard, mixed up all the colors in Twister, did my hair. But none of the guys saw, don't worry."

She sighs with relief, then chuckles. "No wonder your hair's so wild today. Sorry if I was a handful, Jay."

"It was cute. Let's just say I like you better sober, though."

"I'm not even going to read into that." She stretches. "The bathroom problem at the monastery?"

"I don't know. I don't care. I'm happy to stay here with you as long as you'd like." I smile, knowing I have an edge here. "You pretty much demanded we make out in every spare moment yesterday."

She blushes. "Great. Just fantastic. Thanks for telling me that, because I wanted to know I press for lip privileges when I'm high."

I hum to myself, gazing down at her mouth. "Go brush your teeth. I couldn't get you to do that last night."

"I'm sorry, okay? That wasn't me. I apologize that I wanted to swap dinner spit with you yesterday evening. It's not my fault I got high."

"Don't worry about it," I reassure her, smirking. "But now that you're back to normal, the only thing holding us back from a make out is your horrible garlic-pizza breath, so what do you say we fix that?"

***So that's that LOL I have several more oneshot ideas/first editions written, I just need to get the time to finish them.***