10:00pm, my old house clock told me. The ticks and the tocks making my head throbbed in pain. I squeezed my eyes so tight to distract my brain from the resounding bang and the hits on  its walls. But that didn't help.

I looked at the clock again and I felt a sting in my tummy. Seems like my body had made an agreement to torment me this night. This only meant two things, it's either my period was coming or something bad was about to happen. In this case I would really appreciate the former.

I crawled up in myself, tightened my arms around my aching self, and tried to get some sleep. The night was cold, it had rained cats and dogs in the evening.

Since sleep was allergic to me at this moment, I picked up my phone. Smiling at the love of my life, my screen saver. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. The picture alone gave me some inner peace. Though we haven't spoken in a while, he's busy.

But this feeling that was burning in my heart right now, just by looking at his picture, I'm sure it was love and I knew he felt the same way now.

I wonder what's he's doing now?

"Angel?" that was my father's voice, soft as ever whenever he peeps into my room to check if I'm asleep. I sat up on my bed and signaled him in. He took slow steps towards my bed and I turned my lamp on, lightening up his features. His 6'3 self stood right in front of me, looking down at me with his soft grey eyes. His beards were golden as a result of my golden light, they were actually grey with old age.

He asked if he could sit, and I  laughed at his awkward way of asking if he could do anything. He knew he was free to, but he always asked. He has always been like that. Well not always, it started when my mother left us. Just the two of us, to fate.

I never knew why she left, and I didn't actually care. I had the love of my father, and that was enough for me. That was until I met James, my boyfriend. He's now my everything. My father wasn't actually pleased when we got together. I had cried for days, refused food for almost a week before he gave us his blessings. Since then, James has become like a son to him.

"Why are you still awake?" his voice broke me from the trance I had entered. I smiled at him and gave him a side hug. I needed that though. The headache was reducing but my tummy kept raging. I couldn't tell him that. I have always found a way to deal with my woman problems myself. I couldn't bare to be a burden.

"I couldn't sleep" I said and he tighten his grip on me making me chuckled, he smiled. He released me soon, and I looked him in the eye. They were unusually cold today. I arched my brows at him.

"What's wrong dad?" I asked. My golden lamp revealed an escaping tear from my father's left eye. He blinked it away as far as he could, but he wasn't that fast for my exploring eye.

"Why are you crying dad?" I asked, fear lingering in my every word. My throat tightened, as I waited for the bombshell that was about to hit me.

My mum called. That was the only explanation I could give to myself. She was the one reason my father would cry. It  was her super power, she broke him.

My heart burned, but now it wasn't for my admiration for James. It was something different. The bottled up rage that I had locked away for so long. If my mother was the cause of my father's tears, then all hell should prepare to let lose.

My father's silence was breaking me, those blinked away tears had finally made their way to the surface, robbing off on his pale dark skin. It pierced me.

"Daddy!" I yelled, fear, anger and anticipation consumed me.

"He's dead"

The words hit home at last. I paused. Stilled, looking, searching for his eyes. He had turned them away from me. I looked at him either way. Confusion taking over my previous emotions. My tummy took the signal and twisted within its walls, I wailed in pain till I felt his strong arms against me.

"Who's dead" I managed to voice out, my brain giving in to the pressure. I was tired of asking my self that question.

My father's hands tighten around me, I moved closer to him, the crickets silencing its lullaby.

"Angel" he started. "James, he's dead"

My eyes didn't pop out of my eye sockets thanks to mighty hand of God that had created man so well. I froze in his arms, his words playing my head, a coaxed rhythm. My heart beating against its rip cages, breaking the bones leaving my body worn out and weak, I  had to welcomed the darkness that enveloped me. This was too much.

I hated myself the more when my eyes opened. Why did they open to this empty world? The pale grey walls of a hospital made the prefect illusion of what my life will become now he's gone. Why did he leave?

The white door opposite me opened lightly and my father's head peeped in, as usual. This time a smile was far from me, I narrowed my eyes at him, still he took that bold step and came into the room. He sat beside me, and gave me a warming smile. Well it wasn't that warm now.

I turned my face away from him, choosing to look at the grey walls which ironically represented his eyes. So much for running from them.

"Can we talk?" he asked. I was in no mood to talk. I wonder what my words would sound like if I let them out. Did I even have anything to say? But there were voices, screaming in my head right now. Asking questions, that I had no answer to. Why would he leave?

I heard my father gulp down his bile. I regretted giving him a hard time. My eyes chose him again and I met those eyes . I wonder what mine looked like now, would it be burning just like my heart?

"What happened?" my voice came out cold. Seems like that was the first question my brain wanted to ask.

"You fainted, well, it's been two days" he said and smiled. Reaching out for my hands and squeezing warmth into them.

I was cold, he was my warmth. James.

"what happened?" I asked again, this time shutting my eyes to fight the painful tears that had finally decided to visit.

My father's eyes lowered and I knew he felt some kind of pain too. He cried for my boyfriend. My boyfriend that has left us, my boyfriend that I would never see again. I reached out for my phone and his sleeping self came on. I tightened my eyes and gently dropped the phone, waiting for my dad to tell me, why James left.

"He killed himself"

I blow out a steamy breadth from my mouth. Awaiting more news.

"He took his life" my father emphasized and I hated him for it. Like I know what, he killed himself is.

"he left a note, for you" he said. He took out a crumbled up paper and handed it over to me. I took it with shaky hands, sat up and geared up to read his finally words.

"Angel, I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you would feel when you read this note, but I just want to say that, I wanted to tell you. I was dying, day by day. But I couldn't tell you. You couldn't helped me. Don't beat yourself up. I just needed peace"

Reality hit me again, and my tears ran freely. Soiling my cheeks as his words had soiled my soul.

"I couldn't have helped him!" I yelled at my dad, he just sat there looking at me, ready to take what ever I would give him.

"I'm sorry Angel" he said.

"How dare he say that to me!" my heart pounded again.

"He was busy! " I yelled again. I held my head with my hands as it felt a little heavy for me now. The thought of how useless my boyfriend thought I was. James, he was always there for me, and this one time he needed me, he thought I couldn't help.

"I called" my voice was breaking, my hands shaking as I remembered the nights I cried my self to sleep cause he was avoiding my calls and ignoring my texts.

"Dad, I texted him for a like a zillion times! He never replied anyone. He just said, he was busy" my last words came out as a defect. I just needed a reply. But he thought I couldn't help.

"Just a text!"I yelled again, my head hitting the soft pillow.

"Just a text, could have said a thousand words. I could have helped, James "my words came out softly this time, I accepted defeat and rested my head in the hands of darkness.