Darr lagta hai mohabbat se,

vapas wahi kahaani se,

Darr lagta hai vaapas akele hone se,

Vapas khudko khone se...

DARR LAGTA HAI:

Karan closed his red eyes, red from the tears he had shed over the past few hours. It felt like a lifetime, yet like mere seconds, but every second had felt like hell.

Fear. Pure fear. That was what had been coursing through his veins. It had made his insides numb, and his entire body shake. Tears had leaked from his eyes, an endless supply, and no matter how much he wiped his face, fresh ones were always quick to replace them.

"Kya... kya main mil sakta hoon?" He asked the doctor.

He nodded, pointing to her room and then saying something else, but he didn't care what he had to say. He dashed into the room, freezing at the threshold as her unconscious body lay lifelessly on the bed.

The monitors beeped in a steady tone, the hospital room smelling of sterility. Was this really her? The same girl with a bright enough smile that she could light up the academy with just that? Was this pale, fragile, breakable girl her? His Rani Sahiba? His Monami? Was this really her?

He walked closer. His heart pounded in his ears. She was his dhadkan, he had often said. You're unintentionally romantic, she always replied before rewarding him with a kiss on his cheek. She never realized how serious he was, and he hadn't paused to clarify. She was his dhadkan. He wouldn't live without her. Surviving wasn't living.

He took her hand, clutching it gently. It lacked the usual warmth, but her smaller hand fit into his like a glove. Sid and Sanju believed in connections. Was this one?

A drop hit his hand. He had started crying again. His eyes ached like they were scrubbed with a sandpaper, but he couldn't stop the tears. This was his Rani Sahiba, damn it! She wasn't supposed to fight for her life. Not with him there.

He sat down on the chair next to the bed. It had been a long day. It was a two-person mission. Monami and him. No back up, no outside communication. Just him and her, and a mission. It was going great. Excellent. Not flawlessly, but without blunders.

They were almost done. They just had to get out. A gunshot. Everything changed.

He watched her fall. Blood spurted out of her chest. Did the bullet hit her heart? Shock came first. Who had pulled the trigger? What was happening? Fear next. Was she okay? And then rage. How dare someone hurt Monami?

He couldn't remember what he did next. If he really had to, he could remember flashes. Fighting. Pulling the trigger. All while protecting her unconscious form. But it went by too fast. Rage and instincts had controlled his emotions.

He had slipped his hands under her, picking her up like he had done countless times. He liked picking her, but not then. Not when she could potentially bleed out. He liked it when she stared at him, when she watched with her adorable smile, entire attention where it's supposed to be. On him.

'It could have potentially hit her heart' the doctor had warned. 'It might be too late.'

His world had stopped. His heart had stopped. His life had stopped. But she was alive. She was fine. She was going to be fine.

A groan made him open his eyes. When had he closed them? She was looking at him with a groggy frown, blinking, before she relaxed completely, a small smile appearing on her face.

"Hi, mere Khadoos Shergill", she muttered.

He couldn't help but lean over, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He looked down at her face, into her eyes.

"Tum theek ho?" He whispered, and she nodded.

"Tum the, na? Aise thodi, na, mujhe kuch hone dete", she said.

"I am sorry."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "Bachaane ke liye sorry? Itna tang kar diya kya maine tumhe?"

"Mazaak nahi hai yeh, Monami", he snapped. "Tum... tum mar sakti thi."

She sighed a little. "Main theek hoon, Karan", she said. She lifted a hand, slightly shaky, keeping it on his cheek, and he leaned into her touch.

The door burst open, and they pulled away, finding Sid panting in the doorway.

"Monu!" He said, walking closer. "Tu theek hai? Idiot! Goli khaakar aa gayi. Itni hi bhook lagi thi toh bol deti. Main tere liye Sid G special noodles bana deta."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Ruko", Monami said, taking a step forward and glaring at him. She was angry with him. He didn't blame her. He had been avoiding her ever since she had been discharged and back at the academy. That was a week ago.

It was almost a physical pain, staying away from her, being cold to her, denying her requests to go on a date or just hang out. He had almost melted several times and wandered back to her, before flashes hit him, and he found himself in the training room with his boxing gloves on.

"Monami, main late ho raha hoon", he said. "Baad mein baat karte hain."

"Kahan jaa rahe ho?" She asked. If her right hand wasn't in a sling, he didn't doubt she would cross them. She thought it made her look intimidating, but it had always just looked adorable to him.

"Faizi se milna hai."

"Achha?" She asked, taking another step forward. "Par wo toh nahi milna chahta tumse. Wo Koel ke saath busy hai."

"Batra Sir se milna hai", he corrected.

"Wo academy mein nahi hain", she said. "Aur koi bahaana? Mujhse door bhaagne ka?"

"Main door nahi bhaag raha hoon tumse", he said.

"Kya ho gaya hai tumhe? Achaanak se aise kyun behave karne lage ho? Kuch kara hai maine toh batao, na? Bhaag kyun rahe ho?"

"Monami, in sab baaton ka time nahi hai mere paas", he said, trying to move past her. Her words were like a stab to his heart. He knew he had hurt her. He knew it. But he couldn't look at her and not think about almost losing her. He couldn't take the pain.

"Mere liye time nahi hai tumhaare paas ab?" She whispered, her voice cracking a little. Her eyes had welled up with tears, a single drop sliding down her cheek. "Aisa kya ho gaya hai, Karan? Mujhse baat karo, na? Please. Tell me what's wrong. Hum... hum milkar sort karenge. Tum batao toh sahi."

He looked away from her. "Jab kuch nahi hua hai, toh kya bataoon?"

"Nahi hua? Toh phir bhaag kyun rahe ho? Mujhe ignore kyun kar rahe ho? Karan... iss ek hafte mein mujhe pehli baar laga hai ki tum... tum khush nahi ho mere saath? Ek saal mein pehli baar aisa lag raha hai ki tum... tum mujhse pyaar nahi karte ho."

His head snapped down to face her, eyes wide. Her face was wet with unacknowledged tears, and she stared up with glassy eyes. "Monami, I love you. Main bahut pyaar karta hoon tumse."

"Toh phir mujhe ignore kyun kar rahe ho? Hua kya hai?"

"Hua yeh hai ki tum mar sakti thi", he burst out. "Hua yeh hai ki agar tumhe kuch ho jaata toh sirf tum nahi, main bhi mar jaata tumhaare saath. Soch soch kar darr lag raha hai, bure sapne aa rahe hain ki tum mar gayi, mujhe chodhkar chali gayi, aur main kuch nahi kar paaya. Yeh hua hai!"

She stared at him with wide eyes, and he wiped the tears that had fallen from his eyes angrily. He was so done with these tears!

He took a shaky breath in. "Bhaiya ke baad, pehli baar kisi ko apna sab kuch bana liya hai. Aur jab unki tarah, tumhe almost kho diya maine, toh realize ho raha hai main nahi kar sakta yeh. I can't! Kisi ko apne itne paas aane de, aur phir uss insaan ka mujhse door chale jaane, main yeh nahi kar sakta!"

"Karan..." She said, keeping a hand on his chest.

He shook his head, taking a step back, and she stared at her hand which hovered in the air for a few seconds, before letting it back down. Her gaze lifted, hurt and tears shining in her eyes.

"I love you, Monami. I really, really do. Par... par shayad main pehle hi sahi tha. Pyaar ki shayad sach mein meri zindagi mein koi jagah nahi hai." Every word stabbed him over and over again right in his heart, twisting and torturing him.

Her face slackened in disbelief. "Tum... Karan, tum... tum mere saath b-break up kar rahe ho?"

"Monami..." He took a step forward instinctively, longing to pull her into his arms and hold her close.

She held up a hand. "Jawaab?"

He closed his eyes. "Shayad yahi best hai humaare liye."

"Nahi", she said. "Yeh best nahi hai humaare liye. Yeh worst hai. Tum itne badhe coward nikloge, maine yeh socha bhi nahi tha, Karan Shergill. Iss relationship mein rehkar, saath mein hokar problems face karne se better tumhe isse bhaagna lag raha hai? Mere saath rehna shayad tumhe pasand nahi tha, isliye hi toh itni easily yeh sab keh diya tumne.Theek hai! Main nahi aaongi iss baar tumhaare peechhe."

She ran off, wiping her tears and Karan closed his eyes, stumbling back as he leaned against the wall. Sobs racked his body, and he slid to the ground, crying silently.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Mujhe toh laga tha tune use kaha tha ki tu uske peechhe nahi jayegi?" Sid asked, as Monami finished explaining her plan.

"Bro, pyaar mein give up nahi hota", she said, rolling her eyes. "Wo toh gusse mein bol diya tha. Ab tum dono help karoge ya nahi?"

"Monami, tum kya humse pehli baar mili hai jo yeh poochh rahi hai?" Faizi asked.

"Par bro, main use tang karoonga aur tu kuch nahi kahegi", Sid said. "Use bhi rone de thoda. Kitna rulaaya hai usne tujhe." Faizi nodded in agreement.

She rolled her eyes, before nodding in agreement. Everyone had been worried when she had locked herself in her room, crying and Sid had to climb through the window to get in when she had started throwing things around. But two days later, and she was ready to get Karan back in her life.

Faizi had tried his best, trying to talk sense in his best friend but he was too stubborn to listen, adamantly sticking to his stand. If he'd stay away, Faizi had explained his thoughts to her, he won't be as hurt if he lost her. It was bullshit, she had said and he had agreed, shrugging helplessly.

"Pehle, aapka aur Janaab ji ka patch up karayegne, mahutarma", Faizi said. "Aur phir, sab milkar badla lenge."

Sid slung an arm over Monami's shoulder, pulling her close as the two men started to throw ideas back and forth.

Monami sighed a little, pain flaring up in her wound, which hadn't entirely been healed yet. She hopped off the table, saying her bye, as she turned to leave the mess, coming face-to-face with Karan.

'Pyaar ki shayad sach mein meri zindagi mein koi jagah nahi hai.'

Pain flared up in her chest, a physical one, and she moved past him, jaw clenching as she tried to control her tears.

She closed the door behind her, falling on the bed. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes.

'Khadoos Shergill, tumse door rehkar naa main khush hoon aur naa tum rahoge. Aaj tak mere fears se fight karne ki strength tumne mujhe di hai, toh ab tumhaare fears se fight karne ki strength main tumhe doongi.'

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan looked around at the hustle and bustle, people running around. He frowned. What was happening? He grabbed Faizi's arm as he walked briskly by him, stopping him.

"Kya chal raha hai?"

He paused for a few seconds, clearly not very willing to tell him. "Monami kahin mil nahi rahi hai. Room mein kapde nahi hai uske, joote nahi hai. Gappu bhi nahi hai."

He stared at him in shock. "Kya? Kahan gayi wo? Aur tune mujhe bataaya kyun nahi?"

He shrugged. "Tumhe kya farak padta hai?"

Karan stared at him. "Kya farak padta hai? Faizi, pyaar karta hoon main usse. Girlfriend hai meri wo."

"Hai nahi, thi", he said. "Ex hai ab. Tumne hi break up kara tha, na? Aur tum... pyaar karte ho? Nahi, karte the. Kyunki jab tum karte the, na, pyaar, toh uske saath rehne ke liye duniya se ladhne ki himmat rakhte the."

"Fazi, tu toh kam se kam mujhe samajh."

"Abhi sunne, samajhne ka time nahi hai", Faizi said. "Monami pata nahi kahan hai. Last time, itni upset hokar academy chodhkar gayi thi toh accident ho gaya tha uska. Last time se bhi zyaada upset hai iss baar wo."

He ignored the pain twisting in his chest. "CCTV?"

"Usse kaise bachna hai, wo use aa gaya hai ab tak", he said, shaking his head. "Poori academy dekh li, kahin nahi hai. Sanju aur cadets bahar dhoond rahe hain. Bas ek Sid hai yahan. Wo Monami ke friends ko call kar raha hai. Ab dil ka toota hai, shayad un mein se kisi ke paas gayi ho."

Footsteps made them look up, finding Sid running up to them. His eyes were wet with tears, reddened from crying.

"Siddharth? Kuch pata chala?" Karan asked. "Monami kahan hai?"

"Wo... wo h-hospital", he stammered out, breaking into sobs. "Accident. She's... she's... she's dead!"

His world stopped. His heart stopped. His life stopped. "Kya?"

Sid slid to the ground, crying and Karan looked at him numbly. She was... dead. Gone.

"Karan", Faizi said, and he shook his head, stumbling to his room. He sat down on his bed, Sid's words echoing in his mind.

She's dead.

The door opened, and he vaguely registered Faizi sitting down next to him. "Karan", he said. "Tumhe itna dukh kyun ho raha hai?"

The words were like cold water hitting him straight in the face. He stared at him in disbelief. "Matlab?"

"Matlab... tumne toh usse break up kar liya tha. Door ho gaye the. Tumhaare logic ke hisaab se agar tum uske saath nahi rahoge toh agar use kuch ho bhi gaya toh tumhe dard thodi na hoga?"

"Alag hue the hum, Faizi", he said. His words were soft, breathy. The pain in his chest didn't let him speak. "Pyaar karna thodi na chodha hai maine."

"Toh break up ka point kya tha?"

"Kya farak padta hai ab?" He took a shaky breath, the lump in his throat uncomfortable and painful. "M-Mujhe laga tha... Faizi, mujhe laga tha ki use apne aap se door karke, itna dard nahi hoga agar... agar wo mujhe chodh kar chali gayi. Par... Par ho raha hai!" He closed his eyes.

'Iss relationship mein rehkar, saath mein hokar problems face karne se better tumhe isse bhaagna lag raha hai? Mere saath rehna shayad tumhe pasand nahi tha, isliye hi toh itni easily yeh sab keh diya tumne.'

'I am sorry, Monami. I am so, so sorry. Sab meri galti hai.'

'Ek saal mein pehli baar aisa lag raha hai ki tum... tum mujhse pyaar nahi karte ho.'

She didn't know he loved her. She doubted it. She wasn't sure of it. Loving her wasn't something he could just stop doing. It came to him as easy as breathing, as effortlessly as his heart beat. He couldn't stop it. He'd love her to the last breath of his life, the last beat of his heart. And she didn't know that. And now, he couldn't tell her.

"Jab aapka pyaar adhura reh jaata hai, toh hamesha dard hota. Chaahe wo insaan kitna bhi door kyun naa chala jaaye, agar pyaar karte ho, toh use khone ka dard toh hoga hi", a voice said. Monami?

His head snapped up, finding her standing a few feet from the door. It was closed behind her, just the two of them in the room now. He stared at her.

Was this his imagination? It has to be, right? She couldn't be there. She couldn't! She was... dead.

He stared at her, blinking as his vision blurred with tears. She tilted her head, offering him a small smile.

The next instant, he had crossed the room, pulling her into his arms, hugging her tightly. She felt... real. He didn't care if it was his imagination. She felt real. He wanted to believe she was real.

"Karan", she whispered, hugging him back just as tightly.

"Tum... tum sach mein... ho?" He whispered fearfully, pulling back after a few seconds. "Tum... tum theek ho?"

She nodded. "Main theek hoon."

"Sid... wo..."

"Sid aur Faizi ne tumse jhooth bola", she said.

His eyebrows furrowed together. "K-Kyun?"

"Kyunki aur koi tareeka samajh nahi aaya", she said, shrugging. She sighed. "Karan... apne pyaar ko khone se toh sab darte hain. Agar tumhe missions par chot lag jaati hai, toh jaan nikal jaati hai meri. Par har ek moment jo main tumhaare saath bitaati hoon, wo sab worth it hota hai, because... because you make me happy, Khadoos Shergill."

She took a step away from him, and he immediately took one forward. She held up a hand, and he paused, wiping his tears.

"Karan, tumhe choose karna hai", she said. "Tum mere saath happy reh sakte ho. Shayad bahut kam time hoga. Shayad poori life hogi. Pata nahi. Par mujhe lagta hai ki hum saath mein khush rahenge. Ya phir tum aise reh sakte ho jaise pichle do hafte se reh rahe hain. Door. Unhappy." She took a deep breath, tears dripping from her eyes. "Jo bhi tum choose karoge, I will accept it."

He didn't even pause. He pulled her into a hug, and she melted, hugging him back tightly. "Ab kabhi bhi tumhe door nahi hone doonga", he said. "Khud ko bhi humaare beech nahi aane doonga, Monami. I love you."

"I love you too", she whispered. "Aur agar aage se aisa kuch kiya, toh main yeh life lesson nahi doongi. Main chali jaoongi tumhe chodh kar."

He tightened his grip, shaking his head. "Kabhi nahi", he muttered, pressing a kiss to her hair. "Kabhi nahi, Monami. Bas mujhe kabhi chodh kar mat jaana."

He pulled back a little, prepping kisses all over her face, and she laughed a little. She reached up, wiping his tears away.

"Tum Khadoos Shergill hi theek ho. Sad Shergill mat bano."

He held her face in his hands, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. "Mujhe laga maine tumhe kho diya, Monami. Aur mera sabse badha regret yeh tha ki jaane se pehle, tumhe yeh nahi bata paaya ki main tumse kitna zyaada pyaar karta hoon. I love you. I love you, Monami. I love you."

He didn't want to stop saying it. He wanted her to know. He needed her to know.

"I love you. I really, really love you."