Tajub hota hai jiss nazakat se ye lehar chu jati hai
yakeen nahi hota kabhi inhone kashtiyan doobayi hongi......

I was feeling the breeze that passed through me, fresh, cool, and filled with the fragrance of loneliness. All my tiredness, all my stress and all my overthinking get a pause here.

We all have a low side, that is best known to us, that is the real us, the vulnerable us. I know I pretend to be happy and all engaged but whenever evening arrives I just put off the mask and walk along the waves and let my feet sink in the moist sand.

" Even if you have gone far from me, Oh beloved I am holding on to your memories! My love, you can't bid me a Goodbye "

Penning down the lines in my ' snap book ' I looked at the sky. It was now twinkling with stars covered by dark clouds and sun; maybe it melted long back to let the moonshine, gloomy yet to shine. The waves were rising, the grief they carry the loneliness they cage is visible at night when the seashore is all lost in the moonlight. They feel free to show their turmoil to show their pride.

I returned from my overthinking session and collecting my sandals I searched for the path back to home. I entered with spare keys and a lady was settling the food. She is Madhavi Tai not a cook but someone whose love I cherished since she entered my life and some bonds are unnamed yet strong.

" Nisha has called you Avni! She wants to talk to you regarding something " said Madhavi Tai with a small smile.

But I went in the lane of thoughts of Nisha; or more precisely Someone connected to Nisha.

Nisha my old friend. We shared teenage together in Jaipur. My father shifted to Jaipur when I was 19 due to transfer in his post. It was that I and Nisha met in the library of our college. She forwarded her hand for friendship and I couldn't deny it. We both gelled up together quite well and when we became best friends was still unknown to us.

It was one evening when I went to Nisha's house as we were neighbors too. Three house difference and we were close enough. I was ascending the stairs as Nisha was on the terrace when someone collided with me. I balanced myself by holding the railing and looked beside to see a pair of hazel brown eyes, a perfect sculptured nose, and lips carrying a mild smile; contagious I must say.

" Are! Dekh ke Chaliye Abhi aap gir jati to? " he said and I think I heard the husky voice that created a rush in the pit of my stomach.

He smiled and walked past me but the wind that crossed me smelled like him. Fresh, descent, and charming. He went and I looked at his back, broad shoulders, and tall personality. For no reason I smiled and putting the locks of my hair back, I went to meet Nisha.

Nisha was standing folding her arms to her chest and raising her eyebrows, I too raised my eyebrows asking 'What?'

" Madam! will you tell me the reason for your smile," she asked and in response, I felt nervous cause I wasn't knowing that I was smiling.

" Nothing, So tell me what you are going to do this Makar Sankranti? " I asked and she explained a whole long list of sweets she was going to eat and gain weight which she already has.

" And what about Patang? " I asked out of curiosity. She looked at me as if I had grown guava on my head.

" That's Neil's business he is a patangbazz, not me." She said and I wondered who this Neil is.

" Kon Neil? " I asked and she replied " my younger brother "

" Oh.. " was all I said. We chatted and laughed for a few hours then I returned back to my home.

Next day it was Makar Sankranti the weather was a Lil warmer than yesternight. I wore a simple yellow kurti on white leggins and a multi color Chunari the typical Jaipuriya Chunari.

With matching Tone Kundan Earrings I put a mirror bindi and with a nose ring of astounding pink-tinted design.

I went to my terrace with my Guddi ( patang ) and then with constant pulling and release (thunki and dheel ) I let the String free along the direction of the wind and my Guddi was dancing at a height freely. The tail with white slip was moving freely and dangling. Moving along with the wind showed my inner self always moving with the flow.

Halka se kheench ke sahi raste pe Lana
Phir chod Dena taki aasman ko chune ki aazadi rahe bina kisi mod ke bina kisi rok ke hawaon ke sath behne ko hi to zindagi kehte hain.....

It was just a minute that the sky was clear when a black Guddi came and both of our Strings Tangled with each other. I let the String free so as to prevent it from cutting and that black Guddi too was left free with a loose hold I followed the string and found the owner: that boy who collided with me at Nisha's house. He was raising his eyebrows with a smile. I narrowed my eyes at him.

" Are Neil Dheel de dheel kaat jayegi " one of the boy from his group said. I diverted my gaze from him to my Guddi and lose the hold on mine.

We both let our sides loose. And stayed like that. I kept my manjha on my index finger and turned it a slight right according to the wind.

A mischievous beam appeared on my face and I Tangled both of our kites together

" Kategi to dono ki " I shouted from my terrace

" Ahaan! Meri wali to unchi jaayegi Abhi sambhalna! Ye kaat gayi ! " He shouted. And I opened my mouth like a fish, my Guddi was falling down.

" Neil Khanna kabhi harta nahi hai "

I fumed in anger it was first that my Guddi fell down because I lost the game. My nose were flaring.

He jumped from one terrace to another and was climbing towards mine. I was getting a feeling i can't describe. Just then he climbed up my terrace and my pupils were following him.

He flashed his hand in front of my face and I understood he came to grab my Guddi. He caught the loose thread and turned to again climb back to his terrace.

But he stopped and with a victorious smile said

" Gusse mein Ghani Chokhi lag rahi hai "

( You are looking beautiful in anger)

Saying so he went back and I stiffned for a while and then a pink tint accompanying my nose ring passed on my cheek.

" Agli baar main hi jeetungi dekh lena " I shouted and went back in my room.

............

Nisha ke ghar aane jane ka silsila sa bandh gaya. Aksar sham uske aangan mein dhalti thi. Hum daal bati churma khane uske ghar jate the par kha ke ghevar aate the. Main jati to Nisha se milne thi par aakhein kahin seedhiyon pe daudte Neil pe rehti thi. Kabhi upar se neeche kabhi yahan kabhi wahan. Khate khate bass hasta hua sa ek sidha ladka. Jab woh muskurata main muskurati.

Silsila yun badha ki uski cream shirt kab mujhe uspe jachne lagi khabar na hui.

Dosti gehri ho rahi thi humari bilkul uss surkh lal rang Wale dhakte suraj ki tarah. Khamoshi se BeAlfazz koi kahani bun rahe the shayad. Bhini bhini si ek khushboo thi jo hum dono ke zindagi mein fail rahi thi.

It was Neil's mother who suggested him to show me the famous market of Jaipur. As there was a wedding in their family we were invited too and for that, I need to shop. So Neil was assisting me today.

" Hum Kahan ja rahe hain " i asked him playing with the end of my chunari. He glanced at me and my hands that were clutching the Chunari.

" Bandhani Dupatta, aur lehariya Saree lene Johari Bazar," he said with a smile and then averted his gaze.

We were walking in the market together. Him beside me. For no apparent reason, I was feeling nervous.

I bought a lehariya Saree but my struggle was on Bandhani Dupatta.

Neil was just standing with me with courage I asked him which one and he went to the shop and came with a red Bandhani Dupatta with yellow prints over them.

I admired his choice. We were feeling hungry and to settle that down we went to the nearby stall of pyaz kachori.

Dripping the kachori with the chutney we savored the taste and I pinched my eyes close feeling heaven. I heard a giggle and caught him hiding his laugh.

" Tum has kyun rahe ho "

" Kyunki Mera Maan hai!" He shrugged and I again narrowed my eyes at him.

" Dekho tum! " I warned him

" Haan dekh raha hoon" he mocked. With our banter, we returned home. It was a tiring day.

When I was going towards my lane he said

" Laal Bandhani! Main ummed karta hoon kaal jachega. " He said and I blushed showing my back to him.

........

It was the Haldi ceremony today and I was wearing a white Kurti with that Red Bandhani Dupatta with matching earrings and other accessories.

My eyes searched for him and found him standing leaning on a wall looking at me intently. He was looking traditionally handsome in that White kurta. I went to Nisha and we all got busy with our work.

After a while, I was in a corner enjoying the family ceremony when a hand was clasped with mine holding them in a firm yet gentle grip.

That warmth was familiar. I felt content and complete. I felt like a puzzle got another lost to fit itself. I looked into his eyes and the words they were spelling sent Shiver in my spine.

My hands felt cold. Cause my mind reminded me of some facts that made me drown in the deep pool of worry and anxiety.

He looked in my orbs and I found him staring as if it was his right and I let him do that.

Someone cleared throat and we separated. It was Nisha with a known smile.

" Hmm... So you both can get to a secluded corner guys get a grip. " She said and we both looked here and there.

I walked past them and didn't show my face throughout the function.

I was in my room sleeping but his eyes those feelings were playing without a pause in sync.

But my anxiety was making everything worse.

It was evening and we were eating dal batti churma.

Neil: " Are ek aur batti lo na "

He asked me and Nisha interrupted us.

Nisha: Mujhe to kabhi nahi pucha.

Neil murmured " tu special nahi hai na " u Heard it and looked down.

After finishing our meals. I was waiting for Neil to drop me at my home as he always accompanied me to my house. For security and for the company.

But today I was silent. His eyes beamed with joy as we walked towards our lane.

He wanted to say something and I knew I can't face him

" Main woh.... Main kehna chahta tha ki... Main... Mujhe tum bahut.... Bahut achi lagti ho main nahi janta ye kya hai par mujhe raat din tumahara hi khayal hai. Main khush rehta hoon tumhare sath hone se... Ek sukoon sa feel karta hoon. Main dekhta rehta hoon ki kab tum chat pe aaogi na jane kya hai par mujhe ye karna acha lagta hai tumhara hona acha lagta hai
...... " He said looking down

" Nahi Neil hum dono kabhi hum nahi ho sakte " i said and ran to my House without looking at him. I heard the shattering of a heart. I saw him losing hope. Knowing that you are the reason behind someone's shattered feelings is the worst thing. I caused him pain.

The innocence he carried the charm he carried, the carefree aura he created just by his mere presence all were roaming in my moist eyes.

It's been a week since we met and today was the marriage function. He hasn't appeared in front of me. I felt like I was carrying a load on my heart.

After our dinner at Nisha's house, I waited for him to show up and drop me at my house but he didn't appear.

It was Nisha who accompanied me.
" Woh Neil aaj marriage ke function mein busy tha na thak gaya hai to Aaj aa nahi paya... Usne kaha hai tumko tumahare ghar tak chodne. Chalo aaj main company deti hoon.

I was feeling a lake behind my eyes but drank them back. From that day onwards our distance increased and it was months we talked or saw each other.

Only a note was sent to me through Nisha saying:

" Main intezar mein hoon aur rahunga tum jab chahe tab Laut aana " 

My heart ached at his lines.

........

Returning from my deep thoughts I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Tai. She was worried as I was zoned out for a moment recalling the past.

The memory was still fresh like the valley that just witnessed rain. As soft as the petals of a blooming bud. As lustrous and bright as all the colors of nature. He was still in my mind.

Wahi naadan aur shararti Neil. patangbaz Neil, khud mein muskurane wala Neil. Mere sath Sham dhalne tak waqt bitane wala Neil. Meri Bandhani ko dekh ke Apni aankhein neeche jhukane wala Neil. Ek sidha aur mere dil ke sabse karib rehne wala Ladka..... Mera Neil.

I smiled at Tai and without saying anything I went to my room.

I called Nisha and my heartbeat was running a marathon. It was almost 11 years and neither I nor she talked. After the marriage function, I tried to contact Neil but all in vain. His phone was either switched off or out of the network coverage area. But in all this never have I ever felt that Nisha has changed or her behavior was different towards me. Maybe Neil had not told her regarding me and my words. She was the same with me all the time. Till I left Jaipur for my studies. I changed my college and state too.

I was in Mumbai far from him far from his presence but more and more compelled to drown in his memory in his acts in his thoughts.

It was me who shut all the contacts. But our parents were still in touch. So often I get to know the well-being of Nisha and her family.

After a few rings, my call was received and there was silence for a while.

" Main na sir phod dungi Tera. You are a spineless friend Avni. It was me who always tried to talk to you to get in touch with you but you.... 11 saal pehle tune Jaipur choda aur peechle 5 saal se tune mujhse baat tak nahi ki.... Like kyun don't I have a place in your life or its that your life has become too busy to even spare a minute to talk with your old friend.... "

She said this in a go and I felt more guilty for avoiding her.

" Nisha!.. it's nothing like that it was just that..... I "

Before I could go with an excuse she interrupted " don't you dare to make excuses leave it mujhe nahi janana ki tune contact karna thik kyun nahi samjha... Forget that I am here to tell you that Neil is going to Mumbai for his meeting and may be he will stay at your home for a day I Guess. He was reluctant but cause of Aunty and her constant Order that he will stay in your house, he agreed. "

I was listening to all this but when Nisha mentioned Neil my heart skipped a beat I swear. He is coming to Mumbai and that too going to stay for a day at my house. Here I am all alone in my flat. Mom and dad are in Jaipur still and sharing a day with Neil are the least I could afford.

I cannot face him after my words he was hurt. Never I look back, I just avoided him to such an extent that I left the state.

" Avni! Avni! " Nisha was shouting from her side and I just returned from my overthinking thoughts.

" Hmm... " I just hummed and cut the call.

None will understand my side of the story. Why I left why I didn't accept his feelings why I denied. And why would anyone think? This society always blames women.

Akeli hai to badchalan, shadi Karli to aab aaya unt pahad ke neeche. Kamati hai to ghamandi hai nahi kamati to pati ke paison pe jeena hai. Baap ke pasand se shadi kar li to bahana hai ladke ke feelings ke sath khel gayi. Apne pasand se shadi ki to Maa baap ki kadr nahi hai.... Kaam Umar mein shadi ho gayi to Ameer ghar wale honge ladke... Jada Umar mein shadi to hone se rahi.... Rishta tut gaya to ladki mein hi kami hogi.... Akeli maa hai to kamzor hai bechari hai.....

This is what Society is and If to be with your love, you have to sacrifice your self-respect then you better be alone.

The reason why I said no to Neil was that he was Nisha's Younger Brother. He was younger than me. He may have not thought about the age gap we shared. Even if our love would have sustained all the barriers society would always taunt him for him being younger than me.

It's okay if a husband is twice older than his wife but it's not okay when the wife is even a year older. Yeah, society is changing but is it changing? No, it's pretending to change. Deep down they all have an I'll think. Society sucks.

I feel suffocated whenever I think about all this. With a heavy head, I slept. Tomorrow is going to be a long day! I gonna meet him after 11 years.

It was January and the weather was quite warm. I opened my eyes with a tiring face. I went to prepare coffee and looked at the calendar.

Shit!!!!!

It was Makar Sankranti and to all freaking coincidence, Neil is coming today on this day. Why on earth? My fate plays like this.

I bathe and again after ages, I wore a white Kurti with a Red bandhani with a matching pair of earrings Neil selected for me when we were roaming in Johari Bazar. 

I smile remembering how he signed perfect when I put them on my ears from behind, his reflection was visible in the mirror and that was the time I blushed in the market. I again put a Jhangar Payal. 

It was stormy outside, just like my inner self. I was caught in between what if? 

what if he avoids me what if my presence now isn't required in his life. What if he has moved on What if....? 

I heard the bell ring and my heartbeat increased with a sudden rush. I ran with excitement and gaining all the courage I opened the door covering my smile with a straight face.

" O love! my wind whistles your name, I loved the pilgrim soul in you, I loved the kiss you did to my soul. You caged me in our essence, how sweet revenge it would be if I stole your last name to join with mine "

There he was standing all grown into a masculine divine. Gelled up hairs that once were always falling on his forehead, eyes devoid of charm and shine that once fluttered my heart. Those orbs were the best cage I was locked in. Lips were lacking the simple genuine smile. The smile showed his innocence. The smile was like a shadow in a soggy day, was like a village in the desert consisting of a wave of happiness, was like salve on wounds. My all pain vanished when he used to laugh and smile and trust me he shined in my orbs, my man.

The boy who was always freely diving in the river of simplicity and joy, the boy who was carefree in the rush of this busy society. Always engrossed in his Patang and the twinkling of his eyes when he won. he was always opposite to what others were. Falling and then handling himself he was the one who lived his present to the fullest. Rare and angelic for me.

But today he wasn't he. I looked in his orbs and we had our own conversation of blame, guilt, pain, and longingness. I wanted to hug him, really tight and sing all the songs I played seating alone at the seashore. 

" Kaise ho " I asked and he just twitched his lips upward.

" thik hoon " 

" Andar nahi bulaogi kya? " he asked and i hesitantly moved a side. He put his luggage and searched in between his outfit.

" Washroom? " He asked I showed him the way.

He said nothing. My heart ached he doesn't care anymore. I nowhere matter to him now.

I wiped off the alone tear and went to prepare lunch for us. Keeping the dish I served for both of us. The silence between us was the worst thing I was experiencing. To start a talk I asked

" Meeting ho gayi kya? " he hummed and continued eating. 

" Aaj Patang nahu udaoge kya? Chalo main tumhein Mumbai ki hawaon se rubaro karvati hoon " I said to lighten the tension between us. 

He nodded and after finishing we went to the terrace. I handed him the Guddi and he left it high with a push I stretched the string and pulled it constantly according to the wind. 

" Kya hua tum bhi udao kiss baat ka wait kar rahe ho" he just stood there keeping his hands in his pocket. 

" Nahi main intezar mein hoon " he said and I went numb. I knew what he was referring to. My hold loosened and I looked at him. I can't hold it anymore.

He came and hold my shoulder. The touch sent a shiver up through my shoulder to the tip of my hair. 

" Nahi... Nahi samjh rahe tum Neil hum sath nahi reh sakte "

" Main intezar mein h rahunga tab " he said. He is hell stubborn

" Kyun samajh nahi aata tumhein We have differences, our relation won't work "

" Then I will still wait to let it work "  he said with a straight face.

" Age difference hai Neil jo tum aur main nahi mita sakte. You are younger to me 3 years young. Jiss society mein hum rehte hain unse farak nhai padta par uss society ka effect hum pe padta hai. Aaj nahi kaal um regret karoge. So... better hai ki tum age badho "

He clutched my shoulders tightly.

" Na mujhe tumhare age se matlab hai na looks se, na hi society se. Maine age dkh ke pyar nahi kiya tha. 11 saal bita diye iss intezar mein ki tum mujh tak aa sako. Shiddat se pyar kiya jata hai maine intezar kiya..... Jab sath fere lenge na to nahi puchunga ki umar kya hai... jab mera naam tumhara surname banega na tab bhi nahi puchunga umar kya hai... jab subah tum mere liye chai laogi na tab bhi nahi puchunga... na jab mere thak ke aane pe sath mein baith ke halke se sir pe hanth ferogi na tab bhi nahi... bandhani sawar ke jab sath kadam badhaogi tab bhi nahi puchunga... tumhare Jhangar ki khanak ki awaz pe bhi nahi puchunga ki umar kitni hai... meri raat tumhare sath mein dhalegi tab tumhari aakhon mein dekh kar sapne sahejunga ye nahi puchunga umar kitni hai.... kya ye tumhare liye kaffi nahi hai... kya mera intezar tumahare society ke aage bewajood hai? "

he poured out all and my tears couldn't stop. He hugged me rubbing my back otherwise I would have collapsed on the ground. I clutched his shirt and wet his chest. 

His embrace my possession my home.

" Kya khayal hai mere intezar ko rokna hai ya nahi " he asked and I just hugged him and said these words

" Main bhi intezar mein thi..."

we stood there for a while feeling each other so close after ages. He gripped me more tightly in his arms. 

When we separated he went and took the fallen Patang and smiled that smile reached till his yes.

" Haraogi nahi aaj ? " he asked and I took another Guddi. We were flying our kites with full concentration when our strings collided. I took it as a chance and went near him. I placed my bandhani in such a way that his face was covered. He took it and looked towards me. 

I shook my arms and the bangles created a tinkling sound. He was distracted by my antics.

Taking a chance I pulled my string and his Guddi was cut down. He looked at the sky and then looked at me. He lose.

" Haar Gaye na " I asked raising my imaginary collars.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked here and there. 

" Tumhein ye chudiyan kahan se mili ? " he asked. I circled my arms around him and said.

" Bass dhundh li tum sab le aaye the payal, Bandhani, Balli bass inki kami thi Mujhe Intezar tha inka... " I said looking directly into his eyes and he looked in mine and then blushed looking down. 

I raised my toes and kissed his forehead. I felt complete after waiting for 11 years.

" Mukamal intezar hua, kahan ye pehli baar hua
tumhein jitni baar dekha pyar hua...." 

.......................

Bass yahi tak tha aaj ki kahani ka safar...

So the social issue here is the age gap. Yes, this society doesn't matter in front of your love. Love isn't a physical admiration. It's all about how one soul accepts the other as an integral part. Feels incomplete, and longs for love. embrace them and say " main intezar mein hoon tumhare... humesha "

" zaroori nahi hota
jisse tum dekte ho
woh bhi tumhein dekhta hoga

zaroori nahi hota jise tum chahte ho
woh tumhein chahta hoga 

zaroori nahi hota koi khabon ke raste pe snadeshe bhejta hoga
zaroori nahi koi tumhare intezaar mein hoga "

............

Milti hoon agle silsile mein.

sorry for typos

Batana zaoor kaisi lagi :-)

Till then 

Take care 

ViKu