*.*.*.*.*.*

Haley

I try not to worry about what Xavier said up on the roof, and considering he doesn't bring it up again, I tell myself I'm overreacting. Two thoughts swirl inside my head and this is clearly the bigger issue. The second is more benign, at least for Xavier. And that's about the girl Xavier likes.

Even our study session in the evening is unusually quiet. Although Xavier usually is quiet, I do talk, occasionally making lame attempts at conversation that he makes sure fail. Tonight though, I don't even try, keeping my eyes on my work and letting my mind wander back to all the girls in school.

Who the hell could it be?

Considering how Xavier is, I don't even know what kind of girls he likes. Does he like the flashy cheerleader; the snobby rich queen; the awkward geek; or the nerdy girl with braces? Okay, probably not the last one. Or maybe ... it is the last one ...

I glance at Xavier, who is busy solving a sum for our latest exercise. All black, silent, mysterious; these are some of the words that describe Xavier. Maybe this is the kind of girls he likes. The goth chicks who always have that 'meh' expression on their face. Maybe if I dressed in all black, applied racoon eye-makeup, and replied to every question with a shrug and bored look, Xavier would like me better. Maybe he would notice me and see that I actually want him to notice me.

I spot a pair of bright grey lights in the haze of my thoughts, suddenly blinking when I realize they're Xavier's eyes. He's looking right at me, frowning in the most adorable way, and I realize, I've been staring at him for God-knows how long.

"Done?" I ask quickly, sitting up straighter.

Xavier gives a single nod, looking uncertain as he holds his solved sum out towards me. I quickly scan it, barely able to make sense of anything.

"It's all good," I say, clearing my throat and handing the notebook back to Xavier before lowering my gaze to my own. I don't look up at him until it's time for him to leave.

The next day's calculus test goes well enough, considering that I had been focusing more on my Xavier-obsession than studying last night. But the highlight of the day isn't the test. It's my all-black attire.

I know we're not supposed to change for boys, yes, I'm not dumb. I also know he should like me for me. Besides, I'm not changing entirely. I'm just experimenting with a new style. It's just a one-time thing. Plus, Xavier will see that I'm actually trying to get his attention. And if he's also interested, he can see I am too.

Dad had stared at me as I made my way out of the house, but I hadn't given him the chance to speak, dressed in my black jeans, black top, and black hoodie. I had refrained form applying black makeup, not wanting Xavier to freak out when he sees me. What Xavier does after glancing at me, though, is frown for the entire calculus class. He looks like he's got the most complex conspiracy theory running through his head.

Maybe he's finally noticed me.

My assumption jumps out the window and commits suicide when he gets up right after class and leaves before I can stop him.

"What the hell happened to you?" Nancy asks me when I meet her and Odette in the café after class. "You look like you jumped in a can of black paint."

"Just trying a new style," I answer without paying much attention to them. Instead, my gaze passes over all the tables near the windows, resting on multiple girls that come in my line of vision.

Which window was it again? I can't seem to remember. Curse my dead-ass spatial skills.

"Aren't you eating anything?" Odette asks me, watching me with a concerned look on her face.

"I'll ... be right back." I jump up, swinging my bag over my shoulder and hurrying out of the café before anyone can call after me.

If I can't remember which window it was, I'll just have to go and refresh my memory.

Walking briskly towards the deserted gym building and looking all around to make sure no one notices me -- I just had to dress like a vampire today, right? -- I finally arrive at the bottom of the staircase that leads up to the roof. I half-run half-jump the stairs two at a time, panting by the time I make it to the top.

God bless whoever invented the elevator!

The rooftop is deserted, and though I'm slightly disappointed Xavier isn't here, I'm also glad he can't see me sneaking around trying to find the girl he likes. He would run on his heels, screaming 'stalker' at me. Okay, probably not. But he'd still find it creepy. I know I would.

I walk to the edge of the roof, making sure I don't slip on the snow and land on my face -- or my ass -- and try to remember exactly which window Xavier had pointed at yesterday. I finally recall it being the second last one to the right. Squinting in that direction, I kind of wish I had brought some binoculars along. No wait, I wish I had binoculars to bring along.

My eyes finally widen when I see a pair of girls sitting there. One of them has curly brown hair, another with short black ones, kind of like Odette's and Nancy's.

Holy fish, it is Odette and Nancy!

Wait, which of them does Xavier like again?

"Haley?"

I nearly jump, almost losing my balance and tumbling off the edge to my death. Thank God for the 'almost'. Regaining equilibrium, I spin around with a hand on my chest and my eyes and mouth wide open.

"Do you want to give me a heart attack?" I almost shout at the black-clad boy in front of me.

Again, almost.

He gives me a questioning look, taken aback by my ... presence probably. He must regret bringing me here now, thinking I am infiltrating his precious 'hiding spot' where he comes to be 'alone' and 'think' and --

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

I should have expected this question, but it would be a lie to say that I did. I swallow hard and try to make sense of my thoughts, though, to avoid looking like a complete idiot.

"I came to find you," I say proudly, mentally punching the air in joy that I was actually able to give a reasonable answer.

Xavier's eyebrows raise a fraction on his forehead, and the question I see in his eyes is ... 'why?'

"And I also wanted to see who the girl you like is," I confess, not knowing why I suddenly say it.

As scary as honesty might be, I decide to give it a shot.

Xavier's face relaxes, and he walks slowly towards me.

"She's not there," he says, stopping right next to me.

"How do you know?"

Is she absent? Did Odette and Nancy take the wrong table? No, wait, that's our table. We sit there every day. Odette, Nancy, and me. And if the girl he likes isn't there, but Nancy and Odette are, does that mean the girl he likes is --

"She's elsewhere," he says, turning to face me.

"Where?" I ask, my breathing becoming shallow as my mind whirrs, making inferences.

Xavier's serious expression transforms into one of boredom, and he sighs through his nose.

"And I thought you were smart," he comments.

Okay, that is a very offensive thing to say to the smartest girl in class, okay?

"Hey, I am smart," I defend my dignity, sticking out my chin. "I just ... like people to be straight forward with me."

A ghost of a smile appears on Xavier's face and his eyes grow a shade darker, making me nervous.

"Would you like me to name the girl I like, Haley?" he asks softly, his voice a breath of wind in the cold weather.

I swallow, my heart beating so loud I'm afraid he can hear me.

'Yes!' my heart is screaming. 'Say you like me. Say it's me, Xavier, just freaking say it already.'

Shut up, you stupid heart, he'll hear you. I plead.

"Haley." Xavier says, taking a step closer.

Okay, I'm so going to faint right now. Was that him 'naming the girl he likes'? Or is he just trying to make sure I'm listening? I'll settle with the more probable option right now. After all, I do have a tendency to zone out of conversation and have some in my own head.

"Yeah?" I stammer like a frightened bird.

And I know birds don't talk, okay? Don't remind me.

"You look pale," Xavier comments, standing a foot from me now.

Well, duh, boy, I'm about to pass out here.

Suddenly and completely ruining the awkward yet perfectly romantic moment -- because I find Xavier simply talking to me romantic -- the loud ringing of my phone makes the two of us jump. I slam my hand on my pocket as Xavier's wide eyes watch me fumble inside it. I see dad's name flashing on the screen and want to fall to my knees and curse the heavens. Understanding how crazily dramatic that would be, I simply answer the call and put the phone to my ear.

"Haley, I got Chinese. Do you want me to make something else?" dad's voice asks from the other side.

"No, dad, Chinese is fine," I answer like the good daughter I am, internally wanting to send the phone flying off the edge of the roof.

"Okay, then, see you soon, dear." Dad hangs up.

I slowly lower the phone from my ear, giving Xavier an apologetic smile.

"It was dad," I mumble.

Xavier nods, his expression soft. "He reminds me of my dad."

Black-clad boy say what?

"Your dad?" I ask uncertainly.

Are we talking about the same person I saw? The guy who was brutally kicking and shouting at Xavier before locking him out in the freezing night?

Xavier nods, turning away to look down at the school.

"Your father reminds me of mine before he died."

Okay, I am officially confused.

"Your dad is dead?" I blurt out, staring at him like I'm seeing him for the first time.

Xavier nods again, glancing at me.

"Who do you live with then?"

I instantly regret my question, because Xavier's face seems to grow more serious. The slightly relaxed look that had been there before it's replaced with a frown, and he turns to face me.

"Excuse me?" he asks.

"I ..."

Way to go, Haley! Why don't you jump off the edge and save yourself the trouble of being the dumbass you are?

"I mean ... who do you call 'dad' now?" I rephrase, only to hate this new version even more.

Why can't I just think before I speak?

"What are you trying to say?" Xavier asks, his tone low.

Well, I'm trying to say lets go back to making googly-eyes at each other but I'm not saying what I'm trying to say at all.

"I saw you," I finally confess, wishing the earth beneath my feet would split apart and devour me whole. "With your father -- I mean, you were calling him dad."

Xavier's face grows paler, if that's even possible considering how pale he already is.

"When?"

"Um ..." I clear my throat and avoid meeting Xavier's grey eyes -- they give me a feeling of being X-rayed, which usually I like but not right now. "A while ago?" I trail off, wishing I hadn't said anything at all.

Xavier's face is blank and reveals nothing.

"When?" he repeats, sounding like he's trying to suppress whatever emotion he's feeling. He's doing a good job at it too.

"That ... that night I asked you to come home with me?" I answer with a one-shoulder shrug.

Xavier's lips part in surprise, and his eyes roam my face. I grow nervous under his gaze, which is so different all of a sudden. His usual gaze is gentle, like he knows I mean well and even if I say something stupid, it's an accident. Today he's looking at me like ... he doesn't trust me.

"Wh ... why didn't you tell me?" he finally breathes.

"I didn't want you to feel compelled to explain things," I say truthfully.

"So you hid it from me?" he asks incredulously.

"I didn't hide it, I just ..."

"You pity me," Xavier infers.

What?

"You and your father ... you're nice to me because you pity me," he repeats, averting his gaze and looking like he's both sad and mad at the same time. "That's why you guys are ... the gifts, the study lessons, the food ... and I thought ..."

"Xavier, no, we don't pity you. We care about you," I attempt to correct him.

"So you don't feel bad for me?" he asks, his tone curt even though his voice is low.

Honestly, yes I do. But how is that even a problem? Just because I feel bad for him doesn't mean I can't have feelings for him. And I do have feelings for him.

"You do," he infers from my silence, shaking his head slowly. "And I thought you actually liked me."

"I do," I say quickly. "Xavier, I do, I just didn't tell you what I saw because I wanted you to feel comfortable around me."

"So you kept it secret from me."

"No --"

Xavier looks down, shaking his head and licking his lips.

"I'm sorry, I should go," he turns away, walking briskly towards the stairs that lead back down.

"Xavier, wait." I jog after him. "Please."

He stops but doesn't turn around.

"I have to get to work," he mumbles without looking at me.

"Will I see you tonight?" I ask, afraid to hear the answer.

My heart beats wildly in my chest and my hands are freezing. I hold my breath, just wanting Xavier to understand that even if I kept it secret from him, I only did it so he wouldn't feel awkward around me. I want him to feel like he can trust me. I didn't tell anyone else either. No one but dad.

"I don't know," is his nearly inaudible answer as he descends the stairs without glancing back at me.

I stand there on the deserted rooftop carpeted in snow, suddenly feeling colder than ever. Dad always says the weather within us is more important than the weather around us. To me that never made sense. Until now.

I am freezing.

*.*.*.*.*.*