My mother pisses me off. Like she keeps making comments and calling them "jokes" even tho she knows shes making me uncomfortable and upset. Reasons-I-didn't-want-to-come-out-in-the-first-place-101.
(For those of you who don't know, hi, hello, 안녕- IM G A Y. Like idk if lesbian is necessarily the right term but I don't fit the bi category either. I'll elaborate more later. Back to the topic on hand atm) My mother seems to think that I just decided over night that I was gay and that i just pulled it out of my ass or some shit, all because I had 1 boyfriend that i broke up with this past summer. As far as she knows, we broke up because we mutually decided we would work better as friends (which isn't a complete lie. That technically is the main reason we broke up.) now what actually happened was he caught on to how distant and uncomfortable i was, not because I didn't like him, but because of who I actually am. Idk if that makes sense to you guys but yeah.
Like he is a great person, one of the kindest most thoughtful anyone can ever meet. But everything just felt wrong. Even just kissing him. Yeah it was fun, it was new to me, it was a different experienced. He was my first kiss. But as fun as it was, it just felt wrong. Like I couldn't fully enjoy it no matter how good a kisser he was because something in my gut would tell me to stop.
I tried to like him like he liked me, and maybe that was the problem. I wanted to want to do things, and maybe thats why i did some of the things he pressured me to do.
Don't get me wrong- he never forced me to do anything- he always asked before he pushed any boundaries, and we never did anything under any clothes, at least not lower half anyways.
But i do have regrets. I do wish I didn't do some of the things that make me so uncomfortable just thinking about. And thats not his fault. If anything i feel guilty for using him to experiment with my sexuality. Do i care about him? Of course. He was one of my closest friends, we talked almost every day up til our breakup, even before we considered being anything more than friends. Did i love him? Honestly no. I didn't. We were together for almost 6 months (including the short dating period before making things "official") and i never had the butterflies, never got the gaga heart eyes when i looked at him, never got the overly excited feeling knowing id get to see him. Tbh the only rhing that changed for me between when we were friends and when we were together is me being nervous because I wasn't exactly sure how to behave around him anymore. And just that made me feel awkward and distant after a while.
He was attractive, sweet, kind, the cliche fanfic boyfriend that would bring a yea kettle and various teas when i was sick (no joke he actually did that and it was corny and adorable and made me give all the uwu's) I trusted him and told him things I didn't even tell my closest friend. But at the end of the day, I didn't really have any feelings for him and didn't feel anything when i thought about our relationship.
Looking back now i wish I could've just been straight with him and told him I wasn't into him like that, but me being the clueless desperate bitch i was wanted to try. I wanted to have that spark everyone else i knew had experienced.
It wasn't the first time i tried. Like there had been a couple other times in the past where i tried to date but it never worked out as being anything more than friends. And I knew it was never going to work out as anything more than friends, but still i remember crying my eyes out. Not because i was rejected, i was actually relieved that i was rejected. No, instead i had cried because i thought something was wrong with me. I cried because i didn't have the urge to cry over it if that makes sense. (I basically cried because i failed at being straight and i knew it)

This entire series of situations was red flag number three (flags one and two are later on, you'll see what i mean when you get to it, if anyone even bothers reading this 😅)

So when did i realize there was a possibility of me being gay?
Well, ive known i liked girls since the 7th grade. Like when you get jealous of you best friend(lets call her A) because shes closer to your crush, who happens to be both you and A's other best friend(lets call her B),  to the point where you actually start to dislike A and try to get B to stop hanging out with her, you know its not just friendly admiration. Like A is my closest friend and Knows me better than anyone else ever will. Like we are inseparable.  (Now i hope B doesn't ever read this because even after 8/9 years she still doesnt know how i feel about her. Literally only A knows. Like B probably only sees me as a little sister. (wow 9 years.... it feels like just yesterday we were running around the school playground being goofy lil kids and fangirling over the Warriors series)*heavy sigh* damn I'm hopelessly pathetic). Like even her just standing their breathing I find adorably cute and i just want to swuish her and hug her and never let go but at the same time i want to run so i never have to expose myself and risk ruining everything. Like every time I'm around her i just have this uncontrollable fear rolling though my stomach that I'm finally going to do something and shes going to reject me and hate me and it scares the shit out of me. Its been like this for years now and it just keeps progressively getting worse but I don't want it to end. She seriously means the world to me and she doesn't even know it nor can i ever let her find out. Im just fucking doomed to be lonely forever at this point and i don't care as long as i can at least be her best friend. Like this right here is red flag number 2 and 200.
Fuck i hope she never ever ever reads this. (Yes liz im talking about who you probably think im talking about. So if you read this then I guess that means only you and jj/A know about it)

Oof im hopeless.

Then theres that moment when you find yourself getting uncomfortable in gym when you have to use the change rooms, not because there were half naked girls you secretly wanted to stare at, but because you didn't want to be caught and picked on for practically drooling over some of them. So eventually you just accept that your going to get a 60 in gym because you purposely forget tour gym clothes and convince yourself you hate it when in reality you used to love gym and looked forward to playing dodgeball and failing at basketball and even volleyball which used to leave your tiny lil arms bruised all week regardless of how much you tried to bump the ball properly. (Holy shit. Being gay made me lazy. Lmao)

So nows when i get really confusing and im sorry i advance cause this probanly isn't to going to make any sense.
Yes. I find some guys aesthetically pleasing and attractive, and I sure as fuck appreciate some nice make physique, but that doesn't mean i want anything to do with jumping their bones. Like yeah, theres a couple male celebrities that I would consider screwing. Maybe because I've been a huge fan for years and have made most of my current life revolve around them, but honestly if i were actually faced with that situation idk if id be able to go through with more than a soft make-out session. Like consider means I'd think about it but wouldn't necessarily do it. I'd really much rather get to know them more and experience being close with them as friends.
Like a part of me wants to like men romantically but a huge part of me doesn't want anything to do with it. Like not gonna lie. i get turned on at times by some of my idols being sexy and rude af. But the mere thought of actually doing the deed with any of them is an instant turn off.
On the flip side. If i were to actually have the balls (no pun intended) to actually express my feelings to any girl I've had a crush on.... lets just say the thoughts that come to my mind don't disturb me one bit. Like there is no doubt in my mind. I like girls. I like titties and ass and im not afraid to shout it to the world, despite feeling like it's not needed to scream it for attention. 

Like thats where i say im gay but i don't necessarily think im a lesbian, and i know i dont consider myself bi.

Anyway i think thats enough for now. Sorry if this was confusing and i know its really long.