Saturday, 10:28 AM.

Recover.

After a shocking encounter with my past yesterday, the time needed for my mentality to recover took longer than usual. Even after submerging myself in cold shower for about an hour and stuffing myself with so much bread, they didn't help me so much.

When I looked upon my reflection, I discovered many changes. One was that my eyebag had gotten worse, and the other was that my skin looked even paler than usual. My blue eye literally looked as if it was dead; it was completely dull that I couldn't find any brightness within it. It was bloodshot as well, probably because I had been rubbing it.

During breakfast, Mother was fast enough to take notice, even if I tried to hide them from being seen. Father must have probably told her as well, so she knew what happened, especially my alleged nightmare. She questioned me more, especially my sickly appearance, but I just told her that insomnia and my lack of mood were to blame.

Well, at least it was the truth.

Last night, sleep was completely intermittent. I would fall asleep, only to be woken up by some shuffling noises and some sort of... laughter that sounded too real for me. I would glance around, only to see no one around. Flashbacks of what had happened before kept me awake, too, no matter what was it.

The panic attacks... the breakdowns... the hallucinations... the nightmares...

Ugh... I don't even want to remember the bad dreams...

The words that the kids had uttered yesterday were also permanently engraved inside. My head ached at the memory, I was having a hard time gathering my breaths.

"He shouldn't have exist."

"He's a waste of space."

No, no, no. I shouldn't be thinking about it right now. I shut my eye, quickly slapping my temples and shook my head. Those disturbing, little voices quickly cut off before they could say anything that could ruin me again. I should be doing something else. In fact, I have to distract myself with something that keeps me busy and occupied... but with what...?

Maybe, I should go back to work again... I shouldn't have been taking break from it for too long...

My phone abruptly buzzed when I was about to reach out for it on the nightstand. How convenient it was to ring, but for me, it was a chance for distraction. Unlocking the screen, I noticed a new text received from one of my friends.

Skype? :)

Obviously without looking at the name of the sender, I instantly knew who was it. I quickly opened his message board, and typed in my acceptance, then punched the send button. A few seconds after, the Skype ringtone blared throughout my room. Typical of him.

Pressing the green button, my phone screen quickly reverted to video, which revealed Sebastian, and based on how he was relaxed, I was positive he was on his bed. Even if he didn't seem to be doing any work and designs, I can see that he still used his head-band his pull up his bangs from his forehead.

He weakly smiled as he raised his hand in a form of greetings. Fortunately, he acted like he always did, but his brown eyes were unusually darker and fatigued. Inspecting closer, I realized that his hair was tousled than ever, as if he had been running through it several times. At the condition he had been in, I let out a deep sigh.

"Did you stay up all night again?" I asked, feeling my eye zooming at him. "You look even shittier."

"... Yeah, I know." There was a moment of silence at first, but it broke when he started chuckling.

"I thought you're done with most of your works..." He once told me so. He even managed to had a lunch date with Florence.

His eyes turned away. "Yeah, but my manager added some more like he couldn't get enough of it. Most of them are stalled projects from the others, and since he said that I always submitted everything on time, he decided to throw those projects at me."

"Why didn't you just tell him that you need some rest?" I suggested, placing my hand on my neck. His worsening condition told me that he really needed some free time.

"I tried, but he never listened. I even said that I have to focus for the summer fashion show on July, but he thinks that those projects are more important. Like he couldn't just assign the projects to someone else." Seb explained, simultaneously groaning in frustration.

"... You really should do something with it." I muttered. "You can't just let him boss you around, especially giving you projects you're not involved with."

"I didn't know you were that concerned about my job." Despite the tiredness, Seb still managed his iconic grin upon his face, even if this one seemed so forced.

"That's because I feel bad for you. No hard feelings." I sneered.

"You still didn't want to admit it, huh...?"

"... It's just for your own good. That's it."

"Well, news flash: you're no better either." My body tightened when there was a change of concern. I noticed that Seb had been observing me up and down, not wanting to miss any details. "You're even shittier than the last time I saw you. I know you look like shit everyday, but not this... bad. What's the matter?"

Fuck... as expected of him.

I gulped, feeling my Adam's apple bobbing. I have to answer Seb fast, otherwise if I left the conversation hanging, he would be more wary of me. His suspicions might cause unwanted things to happen, and in worst scenario, it might bring me more troubles.

"I..." I began, sticking my thumb in and out of my fists. "I'm kinda insomniac these days... if I did manage to fall asleep, I found myself waking up the next minute."

"You're insomniac?" Seb's tone was rather incredulous. He then lifted his eyebrows. "Wow, man... no wonder why you're nasty. Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I never had the intention to." I glanced up from my phone, only to see a ghostly figure of a young, familiar boy standing beside my bed. He looked down at me with his hard, cold eye, the other one being covered by an eyepatch, not making any move. He tightened his lips, clenching both of his fists. I shit you not, but the boy was completely pissed off, particularly at me.

This was the same boy that had appeared to me when I was looking at past photos, but he was never this... angry.

What the hell is with him...?

"Did Ren know about this?" Seb's question was what made me draw my attention back to him. I tried using my peripheral vision to see the boy, but seeing that he had vanished into thin air, I quickly returned back to Seb.

I just hoped that he didn't pay attention to what I was doing.

"I guess so." I shrugged effortlessly. Not only did Rena know about my lack of sleep, she knew how I was still stuck on the past, my panic attacks and probably my hallucinations. She had witnessed most of my suffering, especially when I firstly broke in front of her.

"Well then, can I ask you something?" Seb squinted his eyes into slits, and without me agreeing, he continued. "... You are still living in the past, aren't you?"

I said nothing, unable to reply. I wanted to deny the fact, but I couldn't say anything. No voice came out of my throat, so I ended up opening and closing my mouth like an idiot. My fingers wrapped themselves around the covers, gripping on it tightly. Noticing that I was completely speechless, I simply lowered my head, allowing my bangs to cover my eye.

"Don't act like I don't know, Ed. Trying to hide your feelings won't accomplish anything." Seb loudly emitted out a deep breath. "... I'm going to be honest here. I've been aware of it since a long time ago, it's just that I don't want to break it to you."

Right, I shouldn't have forgotten. Seb had witnessed one of my panic attacks, and had been trying to calm me down. He also knew about my internal conflicts, especially my hatred for Raphael. He had been upset and frustrated with me, but I guessed he let it slide or thought that I had moved on.

...I haven't...

Not even a slightest bit.

My brain couldn't process anything, and it took some time to reboot. Despite restarting, I couldn't speak, nor could I choose the perfect words to comment on my friend's so-called confession. I kept hanging my head, maintaining my gaze so that it won't meet with Seb's.

"I..." I quickly paused in the middle of the sentence when I realized I would be saying shit that I shouldn't share. I decided to zip my lips up, but my guts told me to at least say something.

"I'm trying to help with your situation here, so please listen to me." Seb neared his face to the camera, empathy clouding his eyes. "You should be moving on by now. It's already in the past, so try not to stick with things that had already happened."

"Don't worry, I'm trying my best to settle things out." The words came out of my lips as if there was no meaning to it. However, I kept regrets from overwhelming my thoughts and resumed.

"It's not how you try your best." He shook his head. "It's how you're going to recover. You know, this reminds me of how you used to be after that incident. You had the same panic attacks, and they got worse until Lynn and your mother had you treated."

I ran out of words to answer him, so the only way was...

"I know."

"Don't 'I know' this, Ed!" Seb raised his tone, which threw me quite back. "Having panic attacks is a serious matter. It's not something that you can shrug it off. You need to get professional help immediately."

"I'm not going anywhere, Seb, and no matter how much you convince me, I'm adamant about my choice." I crossed my arms, breathing out silently. Of course, his attempt to help my problems was similar as my parents and Lu: dragging me to the therapist. Inwardly I rolled my eye, and if not for my quick reflex, I would have groaned so loud.

"Why?" That was always the first question that came out of anyone's mouth when I refused therapy, so I had prepared answers for this question. Seb's expression hardened, and his bodily features began to tense up. It was as if he was going to detonate, but he quickly masked it behind his straight face.

"I just don't find it effective. I hated being with the therapist, either way. They always made me feel uncomfortable." I reasoned. Talking about my past also made me feel like I was directly confronting it without preparation. In no such way I would do that, especially when some memories might slowly kill me inside.

"What are you going to do, then?" He huffed. "Don't tell me, you're just gonna sit down there and do nothing because you think you can handle it? I'm sure they will get worse."

"No, I will find ways to deal with it. I'm sure I can do it." I assured him. "... Besides, Rena had given me some tips as well."

The only effective way to move on is to accept the past. Rena's words echoed inside my head. It might take an eternity, but you will soon get there.

"...Fine, if you're really so positive about solving it by yourself..." Seb dismissed his claims by waving the back of his hand. He appeared to had given up as well, just like what Father did. "If it gets so bad, you still need to go."

"It won't." I convinced, but at the same time, something made me doubt the answer, for no reason. Ugh... whatever... at least Seb didn't bug me so much like last week... or the week before.

"Anyway, did you hear what happen with Alyssa and Florie back on Thursday?" Seb asked. The good news was he changed the topic, much to my relief, but the bad news was that it was about Alyssa. The fact that I still felt crushed about her confession didn't make me feel any better.

"Yeah, I did." That was only my reply. He seemed oblivious that I was there to witness the whole scene. It better stayed that way.

"I'm a two-faced bitch rotting at the bottom of the barrel... I'm so pitiful..." The cracks in her voice and how she sounded like she was about to break just tore me apart, even if it was just a flashback.

"Florie told me everything. She said she confronted her and told her things that she was supposed to know. She told me that Alyssa likes you, and that she's jealous of Ren."

Just how I was jealous of you, Seb. I thought, but I quickly put it away.

"Honestly, Florie went too far with her critics and all, you know." Seb grunted. "I mean, sure, Alyssa is a bit of a two-face, but it doesn't mean you're gonna tell her off like that. She needs to reword her opinions."

Obviously, people were quick to criticize rather than sorting things out, so I decided that it was the best to mask my feelings.

"True." I agreed, even when it contradicted my views. I was a two-faced as well: Seb and I were best friends, but I was always envious of his charming skills towards Rena. Every time she was too close with Seb, my heart burned in flames and I just felt like I should be the guy that did that to her. Sometimes, I would just look away.

Besides, no one noticed my jealousy.

"Ren texted me yesterday," he continued, "she said that I should tell Florence to stop bullshitting around, so I assume Alyssa told everything to her as well..."

She really did like what she said...

"I heard. She told me that as well."

"Yeah. Ugh, seriously, problems like this are such a pain in the ass..." He ran his hand through his hair, groaning in frustration. I said nothing, and simply stared hard at the floor. As a result, most of my long bangs fell upon my face.

Isn't he aware of what's going on? Didn't he even notice Florence had a thing for him? I pulled my eyebrows together. She was probably jealous of him hanging out with Alyssa or Rena, that was why she was acting that way to them.

"Alright, I think I'm going to resume with my work." From the screen, I could see him getting up from his bed, even when the video lagged for a few seconds. "I will call you back if there's something important. See ya around, Ed."

I gave him a bob of my head, before I pressed the end button first. It switched off the video, and the call was completely disconnected. When I was sure of it, I placed the phone beside me and quickly lie down again, facing the ceiling.

I haven't even had the chance to solve my own problems, and now, there were even more to come. Despite everything, my thoughts started shifting towards Alyssa's condition. Ever since that time, there were no more interactions between her and I. In fact, Rena had told me that she hasn't feeling well since yesterday.

Alyssa was probably still mad at me, so I was about to ask Rena to check whether she was alright. I stopped midway, though, since Rena will clearly get suspicious. As a consequence, Alyssa's confesssion might get spoiled to her, and apparently, things won't go pretty between the girls.

I quickly looked at Alyssa's message board, where the last texts I had with her was last week. Maybe... I should be the one checking on her... After all, I have to take responsibility of what happened.

Swallowing all of my breath, my fingers punched the keyboard as fast as it could go. Pushing all reconsiderations away, I finally send the text.

Hey.

I didn't really expect for her to read nor reply, but when I quickly saw that she had read my message, I tensed up myself. She was probably on her phone on this time, probably texting with Rena or her friends.

Hey Ed

After exactly 15 seconds, Alyssa finally answered my message, which I found shocking. I was told that when girls were mad at someone, they usually read but ignored their texts. Maybe... she wasn't mad anymore, or was she...?

I steadied my composure, then typed another response.

Sorry about last Thursday. How are you feeling?

Relax Ed, its nothing to be worried about

Im all better now so its all okay

At least youre there to listen. Thats  enough for me :-)

I flipped over to the side of the bed, feeling relief washing through me. However, guilt still won't leave me alone. The fact that I had abandoned her and most of my friends still haunted over me. A sole apology for doing such thing wasn't enough.

"I said, my name's not Buttercup!"

An annoyed voice sounded out, which mad peer over my phone. Who was that?

There, I noticed an image of a child, but this time there were two of them. One was a little girl with short brown hair in a flip, her bangs were pinned with two small hairclips. She had her hands on her hips, shooting daggers at the blonde-haired boy who grinned at her in an teasing manner.

"Hmm..." the boy sneered, his blue eyes glinted with mischief, "but you look like Buttercup a lot! Heck, I sometimes mistook you for her! How were Blossom and Bubbles doing?"

"I have a name for a reason!" The girl stomped on her foot. "Just call me Aly, it's that simple!"

Aly...

Alyssa...?

"Shesh, okay, Buttercup." He chuckled harder, and was fast enough to avoid the girl's incoming fist. "Whoa, see? I knew it, you did like what Buttercup will do!"

"So?!" She exclaimed. "Even if I'm tomboyish, it doesn't mean I can be compared to that bossy annoying girl!"

"Catch me if you can, Buttercup," the boy laughed, "and I will stop calling you it!"

"Urgh!"

She tried grabbing the boy with her bare hands, but he was too fast for her agility. He firstly rolled his tongue out, before heading for the doors, pursued by the screaming girl. Without even opening the door, I literally saw them passing through it, like it wasn't even there. I could still hear their muffled laughters and rushed footsteps as they disappeared into the hallway.

...

...

Ah, now I remember...

That was Alyssa and I back when I used to love teasing her ass off. She got annoyed easily, and tried to be bossy as to intimidate me and the others. Her hair was even so similar to that character.

After some time, Alyssa ended up loving the name.

"Can you call me... Buttercup?" It was just a simple request from her, and I couldn't fulfill it. It was all because of my selfishness, everything had become ruins.

"You're a waste of space."

Yes, I am indeed...

There's no doubt about it.

I can't even do anything when my friends are suffering.

If I were to be useful, I wished I could turn back time to fix everything...

***

A/N: Hey! Oh my gosh, sorry for the long delay! I just finished my A Level Chemistry exam and boy it was really difficult :') Anyway, I hoped that you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to vote and leave some comments :D

Question
What do you think Ed should do?

That's it for today. See you next week!

- Tara