Depression.

Every time my thoughts were about Lynn or something relating to her, a twinge of depression plucked my heartstrings. Memories of both her childhood and teenage years slowly seeped into my brain like streams, inducing intense nostalgia. I recalled her heartwarming smile and her soft, but haunting laughs.

I was about to finish the last piece of the chicken schnitzel, but my appetite had dropped too low. I ate the french fries as some sort of a booster, but it didn't really help that much. I decided to abandon the remains of the food, while trying to hold back the wavering feeling of nausea.

Seb and I had come to a conclusion that we will visit her grave tomorrow morning. He seemed to be worried about my condition, though, since I was in a trance most of the time. He had asked me whether I'm alright a couple of times, and I have to continually say that I'm fine.

I was lowering my head, staring hard at both of my legs. I was playing with my fingernails, attempting to pull out some dirt away. On the other side, I noticed that my arms started shaking. I tried to hide it from being too obvious, but it appears that Seb had caught my involuntary actions before I do. 

"Remember that it's not your fault, Ed." He abruptly said this, and quite frankly, it surprised me. "I can see that you're still carrying so much guilt and burden. Lynn's not going to be happy if you're still stuck with the past instead of moving on."

"I know, I know." I grumbled, distracting him from saying even more words. I didn't wander my stare towards him; just fixed to my lap.  "I'm just... upset about it."

"Well... I don't want to be a huge hypocrite on this one," Seb nervously smiled, "so... I admit that I'm also still upset about her passing. I looked at my old photos in my room and when she was there, I feel hollow inside."

I didn't comment anything about his story, and just return with cleaning my nails once more. Even without any words, I can easily relate to his situation. It was not just an empty heart, but also a sharp pang of pain. Then, there will be this feeling where you just want to go back in time, and prevent every problem that I had caused when Lynn was still alive.

"Ed?" Seb called, and my eye automatically trailed towards him. "Have you told Ren or Alyssa about tomorrow?"

"Not yet. I'm about to." I replied, as I pulled out my phone out of the pocket. From the peripheral of my vision, I can see that Seb was signalling a server to close the bill.

After I went scrolled down through the sea of contacts until I see Rena's name. I clicked it, and her message board popped up. The last time I talked with her was just a few days ago, as seen in the messages. I last saw her during the school's summer festival right before the holidays, and until now, we haven't had the chance to meet.

As I was about to type, yet a strange but familiar feeling that I can't describe conquered me. I always sensed this whenever I was texting her, talking with her, or even getting close to her.

Rena.

Seb and I are going to Lynn's grave tomorrow. Are you able to come? You can invite Alyssa too.

For no reason, I felt really safe and comfortable being around her. She was the one who had fended for me during those darkest times. She was the one who always listened carefully when I told her all about my pathetic stories. She was there whenever I need someone to talk with, but everyone was busy.

Most of all, I would never forget that time with her in the Ferris wheel. I thought back on how she had kissed me in the forehead. That was when the feeling I had been experiencing first emerged.

At this point, the corners of my lips slowly stretched up.

My ears unexpectedly caught someone guffawing out loud. Every euphoria I was having abruptly disappeared, just in a snap of a finger. I blinked twice to clear out anything strange, and looked in front of me. my lips instantly shrank back once I found out the culprits.

It turned out to be Seb and Christie.

The former was back with his wide, annoying grin, while the latter just stood there, trying to hold back something. Seb tried to irritate me further by batting his eyebrows.

"Why are you smiling Ed? Did something lovely happen? Mind sharing it to both of us here?" He jeered.

"Nothing!" I blurted out of reflex. "I was just thinking about something... great, but really, it's nothing."

"Look, your cute blond employee just smiled! I think it's that genuine smile you're looking for in him." Seb didn't even bother to comprehend my reply. Instead, he turned his head towards Christie, pointing his finger at me.

"Well, maybe it was just out of instinct." Christie answered, and I couldn't help but to side with her.

"Yeah, sure." Seb murmured and nodded, because he was scanning the bill. While I was eating earlier, Seb told me that he will pay the rest, even my food. Obviously, I allowed him.

I mean, who doesn't want free food?

Moments later, he took out his wallet and lend her the cash and probably left some tips, since she bowed slightly in gratitude. I knew this because it was also one of the mandatory rules included in the cafe. I didn't really care about getting more tips than the others, though.

When Christie was out of sight, Seb then faced me, returning his obnoxious grin back to life. Fortunately people were oblivious of his attention-seeking intentions, so I thanked them silently.

"So, why are you smiling all of the sudden, Ed?" Seb pestered. "Come on, you can tell me the truth."

"I said, I'm just thinking about something great. It's not a big deal, Seb." I zoomed my eye towards him, inwardly imploring him to stop begging for answers. I shouldn't have done that... Wait, why the fuck would I even smile in the first place?!

"It is, dude! Your smile is so precious that it's priceless. Not to mention it's rare!" Seb exclaimed. "Man, why do I have to always miss it?!"

I didn't say anything; all I did was to stand up, walk towards him and punch his shoulder. This time though, I didn't invest much power on my fist. For me, it was just  a gentle blow that could be shrugged off easily, but Seb's body stiffened as if it was afflictive enough.

For the fourth time today, I rolled my eye and groaned inside as he cringed in pain. I plopped back down to my chair and watched menacingly as he continued giggling like an intoxicated idiot.

***

After we spend some time chilling at the cafe, we finally decided to leave, as Seb had some works to do. Beforehand, Christie had demanded me to keep on practicing my smile over the course of the summer. Thankfully, Seb didn't eavesdrop us, so I didn't have to suffer another stupid ordeal he had caused.

Both of us were waiting at the bus station, waiting for our respective buses to come and pick us up. Seb had been switching his gaze between the roads and the time on his phone, as if he was on a rush or something. On the other hand, I was just sitting here, checking with my phone to see if Rena had responded. Not yet.

"Where are you going after this, Ed?" Seb then asked as he looked at me.

I thought the answer for a moment. I could simply say that I would go back home, but I didn't. I had been preparing myself to go here after Seb planned to visit the cemetery.

"To the florist."

"Hm? What for?" He slightly tilted his head.

"I'm going to buy some flowers for the visit tomorrow." I explained.

"Yeah, right! Flowers!" He came into a realization, as he clapped both of his hands together. "I think I'm going to buy them as soon as I finish with my works. What kind of flower are you going to buy, though?"

"Dunno." I shrugged. "I will see it later."

"Hm, I think I will buy forget-me-nots. It's her favorite flower, after all." Seb said, slipping his hands into both of his pockets.

He stood up as soon as his bus came into view, and waved me his hand as a sign of farewell. I returned him the favor as the vehicle stopped and opened its doors. Next, I watched quietly as he boarded, only to be greeted by... well, his possible fans, as seen from the windows.

As the bus sped away into the distance, it emitted out gray, dirty fumes. I unintentionally inhaled some of the floating particles, stimulating my throat to let out a loud cough. I decided to clamp both my nose and my mouth shut until the smoke eventually vanished.

The sun was already high up in the skies, since it was almost noon. Unfortunately, no clouds were able to impede its oppressive rays, so the entire town was literally baked under the high temperature. As a result, the streets were hazy and mirages were slowly forming. Even worse, there were no signs of wind or breeze, at least, to cool down the hot air.

Even when I was sheltered by the roof of the bus station, my skin was burning from the sweltering heat. Viscious, sticky sweat trickled through my forehead, and some droplets had formed down my neck. Regardless, I have no choice but to hold on until the bus came.

I stared down to my shoes, blank in thoughts and that was when I feel my phone vibrated inside my pocket. I pulled it out and flashed the screen, seeing that Rena had finally answered my text.

Hey Ed :D

Sorry for the late reply, I overslept xD

Well, she had the same situation as me. My own heart started beating unusually, but I thought it was just my imagination, so I didn't really mind about it.

Sure! That sounds like a good idea, it's been like ages since we visit Lynn's grave

I'm free tom, so I can come

Dunno about Aly tho, but I will inform her

Thanks Rena.

No problem Ed ;)

How about the time tho?

In the morning. Maybe around 9-10 am.

Ooo got it :)

Honestly, texting Rena had made forget about the summer heat. Not to mention, the bus I had been waiting for gradually arrived at the stop. I shot up from my spot when I realized the bus had been waiting there for some time after disembarking some people. Luckily, the driver was about to close its doors when I hopped in.

As soon as I entered, I instantly sniffed the distinct, strong mixed odor of sun and sweat. Although my nose scrunched up in disgust, I didn't really pay much attention. First, I was used to this type of scent, especially back at school. Second, I was too focused on getting some cool gusts from the AC. Probably, I could use the wind to dry up my slightly soaked shirt, especially my back.

In advance, I had paid the fare. I went further the aisle, then settling on a seat not far from the exit. The driver seemed to mind the standing passengers, as he was careful not to start the bus in an abrupt motion. I quietly sighed, attempting to relax myself in the spot.

When I felt well-situated, I drew out a pair of black earphones and my new iPod I bought months earlier. I plugged them into my ears, before skimming over my sets of music. After some time, I found the right one to match the mood, and quickly punched the play button.

As the song blasted into my eardrums, I leaned towards my seat and faced over the windows. I began to observe the mundane scene; a lot of streetlights, cars whizzing pass, and a lot of pedestrians just enjoying their daily life.

Some were walking their pets, interacting with the other dog owners. Reminds me to take Myla out for a day later.

I shut my eye, remembering those times where she used to be a tiny, white pomeranian puppy. She had run around the house, leaping through chairs and table, and getting overly excited whenever I arrived home.

Now, she was a grown-up, playful dog, but regardless, she still acted all impish and cute. She was also the one who had woken me up this morning by barking while jumping all over my body.

While contemplating about the puppy, the memories of Lynn returned back. Well, she was the one who had adopted Myla from me. She had wanted a dog real bad, even wishing it for her birthday, so I had allowed her. It was only for a short time, however, because she was... gone. Some unknown force jabbed my stomach, causing me to shrink back in recoil.

I readopted Myla back after her grieving family couldn't take care of the dog. Not to mention, I found out that Myla had wandered outside alone a lot of times. Nowadays, she had permanently stayed at home, playing with her animal friend, Kei.

My friends always thought that I had moved on, even Rena. They said that it's a great thing... but actually, I haven't even gotten over it. I didn't know with Seb, but I was still completely affected by her departure.

Sometimes, I would stare at my childhood photos with Lynn for a long time.

Sometimes, I would wonder, what if she's still alive today.

Sometimes, everything just reminded me of her.

A few times, I... broke down.

I had berated myself a lot of times, that it was already the past and I can't turn back time. I had told myself millions of times that it wasn't my fault, but it just won't work at all...

My eye flew wide open when over my music, the bell blared, loud enough to send me back to real life. Glancing frantically around the place, I noticed that I was already at my destination and that the doors had been opened. I gained some curious stares as I hurriedly hopped from my place and rushed for the exit.

After I turned off my iPod and placed my earphones back to my pocket, I walked over the course of the journey. During the way, I lowered my head, allowing my bangs to cover my face. I refused to look at anyone else, but I eavesdropped some of their conversations. One in particular, was a mix of English and Spanish, but I could partially understand what they were talking about.

I felt exposed after passing a lot of strangers, and it was just so uncomfortable. I always thought they were leering at me, or even whisper about me behind my back.

This is why hoodies are beneficial to me, as they had always made me invisible.

It took me some fitful time before I finally made it to the florist. From outside, I could see that the place was completely empty, much to my relief. When I pushed the door open, the owner immediately took notice. She was sitting on the cashier, cutting on some plant stems.

"Wel-Oh hey, Edward!" The florist cried out in surprise.

"Hello." I greeted.

"What can I help you with?" She asked.

"I'm looking for a type of flower to place on my friend's grave." I replied, looking around. The shop was filled with countless types of flowers: roses, lilies, poppies, lavenders and much more. Most of them were authentic, and some were artificial, but they seemed to be real.

"...Is it your close friend?"

"Yeah."

"I would personally recommend forget-me-nots or pink carnations. Both of them are the symbols of positive remembrance." She explained, lending me the sample of the mentioned plants.
I observed the plants meticulously, making out every single detail; including the petals and leaves that they have.

"How's your father doing?" She questioned.

"He's fine." I answered, still looking down at the flowers. "Just busy with his work."

"Does he often go home late?"

"Yeah."

"Typical Arthur." She laughed softly. "I think you should tell him to not to work often and slack for a bit. His wife had been worrying so much about his well-being. Anyway, which type of flower are you going to buy?"

I didn't answer her question. The way she was worried about my father's condition reminded me of how Lynn was when she was still here.

"You should not work your ass up often, Ed." Lynn had complained. "You will end up getting sick easily."

"Edward?" The florist called out.

"Oh, um, sorry. I was just thinking about something." I lied, trying to keep my feelings from getting too obvious. "Um, I will prefer a bouquet of purple forget-me-nots, please."

"... Sure! I will make them for you right now." She happily said, as she received back the flower samples from my hands. 

"How much do they cost?"

"Hmm... around $30. Don't worry! I will give you a reduction, and that would be $20." She offered.

I pulled out my wallet, and carefully counted the money that I have with me. Thankfully I had brought enough, so I paid her without any trouble. She softly smiled and thanked me, before she ambled to a room behind the curtains, probably to fulfill my request.

As I waited for her to finish my bouquet, I couldn't stop thinking about how the florist had a bit similarity to Lynn. I tried to shrug it off and acted like it wasn't a big deal, but it didn't work at all. When I finally had enough, I slapped both sides of my head, clearing out some mental obstacles.

I realized that I have been thinking too much about my past today. I wanted to replace them with something else, but I didn't even know how to put them off the chart. They will always come back no matter what, and I have to hide such fact from my friends.

If they found out that I actually haven't moved forward with my life, they would think I'm weak and downward pathetic. Even if both Seb and Rena understood my feelings if I told them, eventually they would find me plain annoying.

I clenched both of my fists together and tightened my jaw.

If only there was a way out.