Relaxation.

This was the first time since forever, relaxation came upon me as I ascended back to the real world. Never did I feel like... this calm and safe, unlike earlier days, where I would always be surrounded by severe paranoia and devastation.

Well, some aftereffects still lingered around, such as slight headached and a stinging pain upon my eye. It was probably due to my recent meltdown, but it was negligible, therefore I could stand them well. This was a speck of dust compared to the suffering I had.

As my vision cleared itself, I pulled my head up. found myself resting on a soft, comfy surface, with a thick blanket draped over my body. Next, I forced myself up, and there... I realized I was lying on my bed inside my darkened room... left with no one in sight. The objects that I had tried using upon myself... had been discarded. When my attention came across the table, I noticed unfolded papers filled with scribbles... which, I recalled, were the letters I had written...

...more like my 'last' words to everyone I had known.

The unfamiliar scene that silently played firstly threw me into confusion, but it took me some moments to process what was actually happening.

My family had stopped me from doing something incapble of turning back, and I had cried to sleep in their affectionate embrace. There in my dreams, instead of nightmares, I encountered Lynn instead, to which I was... joyful of. We were able to briefly exchanged thoughts with each other before she had gone away... far into somewhere unknown... and where I couldn't reach her easily.

Despite these things, I still remembered the way she teared up as she smiled genuinely.  Before that though, she had thanked me for what I had done... even though I haven't make a move yet. All I had done was keeping a fragile promise of moving forward and accepting what had happened in the past. Even if I haven't started it, I finally was able to let my true feelings out to her, and meet her for one last time.

It was one of my wishes... and it was granted.

To sum it all up, I had said my farewell properly, and now... I have to come to the conclusion that it was the time to accept the bitter fact that Adelynn Whiteside was no longer here. It seemed so difficult, but with her encouragement, I probably could do it... or at least make her see that I'm trying my best. I didn't want to make her worry about me anymore...

However, for sure, I'm not going to forget what she had largely contributed to me, especially back in those days.

Other than that... Lynn had told me that I should start opening up my mind little by little. Probably what she meant was... she wanted me to throw off my stubbornness and start listening to what all my friends and family suggested me: telling them about everything that had been bothering me and asking help from the professionals.

It was... indeed the truth.

All my personal problems were pressuring and heavy that I couldn't go through them alone. I had attempted to do so, rejecting all of their assistance, and ended up crumbling to pieces. As a result, I could think of only one solution on how to end the suffering... before my sister came and told me that there were much more ways. She would guide me through those solutions, if only I allow her to help me.

Well... I wasn't really used to getting help from anybody, unless under circumstances, where I was forced to work with someone, such as a group project. I wasn't a fan of receiving assistance from other people, especially troublesome things. Even during my shifts, I would always request my manager so that I could work alone. With this, I always thought thay there would be no conflict since no one was ever involved.

This one... was a different story..

In the end, I really have to seek for aid, or else... I would just be falling apart again and again, despite helpful advices. Not only it would make everyone, including Lynn, happy, but it would also improve both my psychological and physical conditions, which in turn will make me feel better, albeit not in an instant. My expectations of achieving recovery from depression were... too fictional to be real.

This is how real life works...

It will never be like those in the movies, where true love from a partner saved someone from their depression...

Lastly, Lynn had asked me to reconcile with both Seb and Raphael, who were still overpowered by their own guilt. The problem was, my last interactions with them didn't... turn out so good, and the distressed me had cut off my bonds with them, promising to have no more contact with them. Now here I was... on a dilemma on how to... normally talk with them. I couldn't just act like nothing ever happened.

At the same time, I have to stop standing here and wait until either Seb or Raphael came upon me and said something. I have to be the one initiating my first move, otherwise I would just be squandering useful time doing absolutely nothing. Based off many experiences I had gone through, there was nothing wrong with trying.

If it fails, then don't just give up, because it's normal, and try again, because there's always a room for improvement.

That was what Rena had been trying to teach me. Last year, she was stuck on a similar position as well, and it was a conflict between the both of us, but she was quick enough to solve the problem with the help of her friends.

Thanks Rena... you really made me learn a lot of things, both the good and the bad. A thought flashed across my brain as I placed my both of my feet on the cold floor. It took me enough strength to push myself further so that I could move my ass off the bed. I staggered upon standing up, and almost slipped if not for my fast reflex of regaining momentum. With that, I slowly normalized my breathing rate, taking a lor of air and letting them out.

Also, I really... really have to be grateful to both my sister and Lynn... as they were the one who made me discover that there was still life ahead of me. There was always a time where someone needed me, no matter how useless I was and how I made troubles for everyone.

Right now I didn't want to waste anymore time lying on the bed.

I have to do somet-

Before I finish what I was thinking and walk to the door, its knob suddenly turned and then it swung open, revealing the person behind. The light that shone through from my window illuminated her scorching red hair, making it seemed so igneous than it originally was. Her brown eyes widened in surprise when its gaze landed on me, but they instantly softened upon observing me. On her hands was a tray with a cup of tea and two loaves of bread on it.

She proceeded to cast me a tiny smile.

"Speak of the devil. I was about to wake you up." She said, before walking pass me to set the food down on the nightstand next to my bed. "Mom told me to get you up and have you eat some food... Well, you haven't eaten anything, right?"

"...Yeah." I mumbled, remembering the fact that Mother had prepared it for me, but I just left it there on the table since at that time. I was so focused on my idiotic plan that I had forgotten about everything. Speaking of it, I just felt like I have to talk to her about it. "And Lu...?"

"Hmm? What's up?" She acknowledged, even though she still had her back on me.

"I..." I paused for a while to swallow my fears. "I'm sorry that you had to see all of that. I... I wasn't in my right mind... and I stupidly believed that by doing it... it was the only way to escape the pain."

She didn't respond, so my first impression was that she was bothered by the topic. I even thought that she wasn't going to give a comment. Even in dim light, I could see her body stiffened up for a bit, but that didn't stop her from glancing over her shoulder to look at me.

"Nah, I don't care." She replied. "As long as you're fine and realize that taking your life is wrong, I'm good. I know how you feel... it's unbearable, and if I were you... well... I would also be finding instant ways to escape the pain. There a lot of other people having the same thought as you, though. A few unfortunately succeeded, but some are lucky enough to change their minds and get help. You're... one of them, in a way."

I quickly looked away, my gaze trailing to the floor below of me. I balled both of my hands into fists, and kept them on each of my side. I've heard a lot of stories of those fallen people and how did it heavily affect everyone that was involved and related to said person. I used to never contemplate much about it until now.

"Honestly, I've never seen you cried so hard and loud before. You really made a real mess on my clothes that I kinda have to change them... but I not blaming you for that." She continued as she approached me. "You must have been repressing  your feelings for so long, that it must have gotten into you, but with all of that gone, you feel much better now, right?"

"Not that much, but yeah... I guess it's better than before..." I muttered under my breath. The amount of shit I was forced to confront still scarred my heart, also leaving me with memories that would permanently linger inside my brain. Regardless, after what felt like years, I finally never felt so pressured to tell the truth. Usually, I would straight up tell her that I was fine... my typical tagline that was filled with nothing but blatant lies.

Well... that was what the old me love to do... and now, I shouldn't do that anymore.

"Now that you're emotionally stable, you need to talk it out with someone you trusted the most." Lu suggested. "It could be Mom, Dad or even me. It could also be your friends like Serena... or for the best.. try another alternative, but I know you probably won't like it."

I immediately knew what she was talking about.

"The therapist...?"

"Duh... What else could it be?" She then sat casually on my bed, folding her legs. "Even if we could guide you through your depression, it doesn't mean you'll completely recover. I mean... we're not experts at your panic attacks, hallucinations and all of that. We can only calm you down, and that's it, and if you keep dismissing it, it will just keep going on. If you wanna make them stop completely, only professionals could handle and assist you on coping with those things..."

No matter what condition, my heart was filled with overwhelming dislike whenever I was recommended into going to a therapist. I was never a fan of telling personal stuff to strangers and to people I had no idea of. I didn't even like the therapist I used to visit months ago... but Lynn's words suddenly echoed on my head.

"Please, listen to what your family had reasoned to you, they're really trying to help and sort you out with your problems."

I felt my Adam's apple bobbing as I gulped. I fastened my jaw together as my body tensed up.

Regardless of my opinions, visiting the therapist was the only best way to speed up my journey to recovery. It wasn't just because I wanted Lynn to be happy, but it was all for my sake. If I wanted to really get better and prevent myself from making more stupid decisions, I have no choice but to listen and obey.

Ugh... fuck... this is difficult... I mentally groaned, while scratching my head.

"...Well, you don't have to force yourself, Ed. If you're still uncomfortable... just take your time." As I pondered real hard, Lu butted in. "Don't worry, Mom and Dad will understand."

Mother and Father...

I remembered them going inside my room and watched Lu comforted me. Both of them wordlessly jumped straight into action and embraced both of us in their loving arms. They didn't witness the entire thing like Lu did, but... they knew asking questions weren't good at the moment.

Lu must have told them about everything, so I believed they were already aware of what was happening. That was why they didn't mutter a single comment.

"Lu... about Mom and Father... do they know that I was going to... do that?" I decided to ask.

She hesitated replying, but eventually, she did.

"...Yeah." Her voice came out as a whisper. "I told them. Who wouldn't? You were holding a rope and a knife, and I can only think of one thing. I told them to go back home as fast as they can.. and while they were on their way, you were about to... strangle yourself so I finally decided to stop you. And yeah... you kinda know what happens next."

Of course she disclosed everything. That was what a normal person would do. After all, I couldn't just cover up my attempt from them... they were my parents, and they deserved to know as well.

"Where are they now?" I bothered myself to ask.

"Downstairs, in the living room." She replied. "When you were asleep, I explained everything, from when you were in the kitchen to when you were about to... commit suicide. About the letters that you wrote... well, I gave them the one you wrote for them. Mom was crying... Dad... he was just speechless, but he teared up as well."

My letters to them...

I said nothing.

Lu indeed spied on me when I was carrying out my... suicide plan. No wonder I felt like I was being watched. It wasn't hallucination or anything, it was real, and it was caused by her. I couldn't even differentiate between what was in reality and what was not...

"I also read what you had written for me..." She continued, as she broke her gaze off me. "It was really heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine forgetting about my own brother... especially if he really committed suicide. Heck, I would do the opposite of what you told me. I would blame myself for everything. I would feel guilty. I would feel like I had done... something wrong."

"No, you don't." I immediately denied. "What I said in that letter... is true."

"Thank God I was there at the moment you almost did it..." Lu completely ignored my claims. "...if I wasn't... then..."

She didn't finish her words, and I realized her body began to tremble, but she was able to prevent it from becoming obvious. She suddenly wiped her eyes with her arms, as if she was trying to erase noticeable traces. She emitted a deep sigh as she forcefully shook her head, before she jumped out of the bed, and looked straight at me.

"Anyway... make sure to finish the food I brought you with." She changed the topic in less than a minute. "And about the therapist..."

"I..." I cut her off. "I'll think over it. Sorry, but I just feel... that I'm not ready. I'll get it to you later."

"That's fine. Just... don't rush." She forced out a smile as she headed for the door. "Now, I'll let you have your moment. Once you're comfortable enough... you can get to us downstairs, alright?"

I nodded, and simply watched as she left my room... but not before she cast me somewhat a forced delightful look, as if she was trying to hide something from me. She looked like she was about to... cry, but she sure reverted back to herself as fast as she could.

...Lynn was right.

Now, I acknowledged of how serious it was to them when they learned about my goal... Hell, I didn't even want to think about what will happen to them when I really... succeeded. That was one of the grave consequences I have to confront and carry as a big burden.

I settled myself back to my bed, staring at some random space.

Now what should I do...? For some reason, I couldn't just sit here and eat my late breakfast like nothing happen. It was just like some unknown entity was urging me to... yeah, do something. It took me minutes to figure out, until a thought came flashing in my mind...

Right...

I should try... talking with Seb... or Raphael.

Since I didn't have the latter's contact, I decided to go after my best friend. I searched for my phone till I found it resting on the table, alongside the remaining letters for the others... and  Rena...

They were completely oblivious of what I had been trying to do for these past few hours... but this definitely wasn't the proper time to tell them, especially when most of my relationships were... kind of messed up. And Rena... maybe... just maybe I will... if I have the guts to... but I didn't think I have the heart to reveal her about my... attempt.

No... no...

I shouldn't be on that...

I should be focused on how should I talk with Seb...

I scrolled to my contacts, and quickly found Seb's number that wasn't to my timing. There, before I could punch the call button, I felt my hand froze on the spot as a basket of questions came bombarding me.

What should I discuss with him...?

What kind of words should I say to him...?

Will he... answer my call...?

What will his reaction be like?

***

A/N: Ed is about to make a call with his estranged best friend... but will he actually respond...?

I hope that you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to leave a vote and some comments.

Question
Ed is slowly starting to change his perspective in life, but it doesn't mean things suddenly get better. He still have to endure the effects of the problems he had gone through... and to cope with these results... he would have to seek professional help. Do you think he will finally accept it?

That's all for today, and I hope you have a nice day :) See you all next week!

- Tara