chapter seventeen, the fluttering and hammering

WITH A SHARP GRUNT, Lavender finally opened her eyes for her brain to start panicking that she was gazing into the familiar wood with only one eye open. Her body was numb and stiff, but she managed to push her fingers into a fist, letting herself know she was alive. Everything was slightly moving and she couldn't decipher if it was her mind playing tricks or if she was on a ship.

Quickly, her brain flashed her images of what happened before she ended up here – those soldiers dead and that's it. How she got in here or what happened to the others – she didn't know. The woman forced herself to breathe in deeply throughout her clogged nose, the action causing her dry throat to ache. At this point, she wasn't a stranger to pain and this numbness was oddly soothing her, making her feel as if she was already dead.

Turning her head, her neck painfully popped, but she was met with the familiar room on the ship she has once been. Only in the place where she used to sit, Jesper was sleeping, his lanky figure twisted in the most uncomfortable ways – dozed off.

Tears welled at the corner of her eyes, causing the wounded one to sting. The relief of seeing her brother was out of this world – afterlife or not, she was glad to see him again. Lavender extended her hand just enough to reach his knee, gently pushing it with the ends of her fingertips, making the guy snap his head up too quickly that he almost fell down.

"Vi?" He gasped, rubbing his eyes as he uncrossed his legs and leaned forwards to see that his sister was awake. The sleepy expression quickly was changed by the crooked grin that she has missed so much. A sigh left his lips as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently between his palms, pressing it to his forehead.

"Jes, don't tell me you are about to cry," she croaked out only to receive a chuckle from her brother as he raised his head to reveal his teary eyes.

Jesper shook his head, almost speechless, thanking each and every Saint and other deities for this moment. The guilt didn't fade away as she still got hurt because of him, but the knowledge, that she was awake and she won't leave this world without a fight – soothed him. What would have he done without her?

"I thought I lost you," he whispered, making a lump get stuck in her throat.

Lavender has never seen Jesper like this. He was always smiling, always making jokes, and always positive even when he was talking about his lost mother. Now, he was sitting, holding onto her as if she was his hope, tears running down his cheeks as worry drew lines on his forehead. There were no words to describe how much he loved her and how much she loved him as well.

"Jes," she whispered, not knowing if she will still pull through, but the sight of her brother's sadness was a really decent reason to keep on fighting. "I am here."

Jesper kissed her palm, standing up in the small room that was a little bit too crowded for a tall guy like him, so he hunched down and pushed the blanket over her more securely. "I'll get you something to drink, yeah? Also, I'll tell Aleksej."

Lavender's eyes widen from hearing his name. Her mouth gently fell open as she squeezed out a smile. The memory of how she managed to leave Ice Court was foggy and she started to believe that seeing Aleksej was just a made-up memory, she tried to comfort herself. Her heart blossomed from the news, making her nod as she asked: "Everyone made it?"

"Yes, Vi, we all made it." He soothingly said, for the first time allowing himself to feel victorious that they were all on the ship back to Ketterdam. They all made it and Lavender woke up. It was a miracle.

Kissing his sister's forehead, he disappeared from the crowded room, leaving her alone for a short time. Lavender gently wiggled her body, feeling that she probably wasn't out for a long time since her bones weren't as stiff. Pushing her elbows into the toughness of the table, she pulled herself up just enough to not strain herself. A few bones cracked on her back, and her neck felt weary, but this position helped her to breathe better through her clogged nose.

As a cough arrived on the tip of her tongue, a figure appeared at the entrance. Lavender took the time to see who it was as the dimmed light in the room wasn't helping her eye to see well. The figure stepped closer only to reveal that it was Aleksej. A smile tugged on her chapped lips as she let out a sob.

Without wasting a second, Aleksej hugged her as gently as he could even if he wanted to squish her. He looked different, but she didn't dwell on it – she hasn't seen him in years and he was captivated and tortured by the Fjerdans. He only seemed taller, his curly hair was longer and messier than she remembers and there was no more boyish-looking Aleksej – he seemed grown-up.

"Lavender," he whispered, gently rubbing her back as she took her time to wrap her hands around his ribs. Holding his dearest friend into his arms after experiencing hell and the grief of losing her felt heavenly. He knew well how weak she was, he knew well what kind of wounds settled on her body, and he knew well that if she will survive, she will have to deal with terrible sickness every day. But she survived. She survived.

"I thought I made you up," she whispered as soon as they pulled away from each other, letting her put her hand on his face to make sure that he was real.

Feeling his cool skin against her touch made her feel lucky. Not only did the crew survive the suicide mission, but they found Aleksej. Many days were spent worrying if he was alive if he was well and now here he was.

"I thought I made you up as well when I saw you in that cell... Oh, Lavender," he murmured, gently pushing the strands of her hair away from her face to look at the bandaged eye of hers with a gloomy look. He did his best to clean the wound, but the chances that she will see were very low.

Lavender sniffled, nodding, "I look like shit, don't I?"

Aleksej snickered, shaking his head as he moved a little bit away, walking to the splattered ointments on the little table, grabbing one jar in his hands, "Are you doubting my bandaging skills?"

The woman pushed her hand on her lungs, feeling the way they were struggling to keep up with her movements, but Aleksej pushed an ointment underneath her nose that was smelling like peppermint and her nose unclogged almost instantly. She nodded, thankfully and once he pushed the ointment away, she started to cough, feeling the mucus get stuck in her throat.

In other words, she was feeling like shit. No matter how much her eye was hurting, no matter the fact that she probably caught a cold and her lungs will never forgive her for this – she was happy. To see Aleksej, to see Jesper, to hear that the crew was fine and sailing back home. Those thoughts alone were enough to take a bit of her pain away, enough to keep her awake.

"You sucked at bandaging. Always preferred to use your powers."

Aleksej set down the ointment, his mood dropping. Lavender noticed that instantly and murmured: "You lost them, didn't you?"

The man nodded, turning around to face her with a sad smile on his face, "I don't even know how I survived, because others weren't that lucky. After losing their powers, they would get mad and kill themselves by smashing their heads into the walls, begging for jurda parem."

Lavender flared her nostrils at the given image, guts twisting with disgust, "I'm sorry you had to go through all of this."

Aleksej nodded, gently pulling apart small wooden pieces from the table and pushing them down. He had to watch the way his friends died in those cells, the way they got tortured, and the way they got mocked. It was a burden he will always carry with himself and with this given possibility – with this new start, he will make sure that the ones that died, will be remembered.

"Those scums will get what they deserved one way or another," he admitted, gently shaking his head, wanting to change the topic. "I have so many questions," he gently smiled as, during this time, he found out a lot about Lavender.

For instance, Jesper was her brother, well, not a real one as she was adopted, but that was new. Jesper told him that Lavender was one of the best medik in Novyi Zem as she lived with their father on the farm, helping him with jurda before she came to Ketterdam to search for her own brother. Not to mention that she looked completely different, but the redness of her hair was the same, which he could recognise anywhere.

Before Lavender could answer, Jesper appeared in the small room, crooking his tall frame. He was holding a cup with some warm tea and he passed it to his sister as he supported her back with one of his hands. The woman took the cup and almost chugged it down her throat in one go, before asking: "How long was I out?"

"A few days." Jesper informed.

"How did we manage to get into the ship?" Lavender asked, her voice raspy.

"Nina,—she took jurda parem..." Jesper gloomily admitted.

Lavender's eye widen, sadness twisting her chest as she sighed. They all knew the risks and what happens when you take them. Hell, she was even drugged up with jurda parem, but right now, it seemed like it wasn't working. It was the perfect time to question why she wasn't going mad about it, but it wasn't the problem here.

"How's she?" The red-haired woman asked.

Jesper sighed, "Kuwei has enough to keep her comfortable. They are hoping she won't get addicted."

"Kuwei?"

"Oh, yes, right," Jesper rubbed his forehead, "Bo Yul-Bayur is dead. So, instead, they found his son – Kuwei, who is also a scientist. That's better than no one." He shrugged.

Lavender nodded, trying to process the information in her head. She probably missed a lot from the moment she was taken by the Fjerdan soldiers and she will have to catch up, but for now, she was just happy to hear that everyone was more or less safe and sound.

"Can you help me get up?" Lavender asked.

Aleksej and Jesper immediately protested against her idea.

"You need to rest," Aleksej disagreed.

"It's still very early." The Zemeni guy pointed out.

Her face dropped, wanting to roll her eyes, but it was already painful to blink since the wounded eye was responding to every movement she made with her healthy eye. The most perfect thing would be to cover them both for a speedy recovery, but she wanted to get up and get some fresh air since her lungs were about to collapse.

"I can go myself, you know," she argued and she was about to stand up, but the two guys immediately panicked and grabbed her hands to support her.

"I'll throw you out of the ship for this," Jesper grumbled, annoyed with his sister's stubbornness.

Lavender wheezed out a giggle, suppressing a cough as she slowly put her legs down on the moving floor, leaning her weight on the two guys that were supporting her. "I just need some fresh air."

With that, both of them couldn't argue since now everyone knew that something is wrong with her lungs. Being in the bellow deck wasn't the best place for her, so they complied and helped her get up the stairs into the chilly morning.

The wind quickly stung her cheeks which were frozen from the cold. Her nose itched and Jesper quickly put on her coat, which she has missed a lot, on her shoulders just to keep her warm. They quickly got her to the table and made her sit on the chair as she took the opportunity to inhale the moist air.

She felt alive.

Jesper's hand was supportively holding her shoulder as she was leaning her head into his arm, while Aleksej walked below to get something to eat. It felt odd sitting on the ship as she tried to pretend like the torture didn't happen. However, her mind was working against her. The view of the sea was soothing her enough to bring her to the reality that she was safe. No more Fjerdans, no more of their knives, no more of their mocking laughter and no more of their rough hands against her body.

She wanted to cry. Never in her life has she felt so dirty, so worn out as a used rag. The faces of Fjerdan soldiers, their smiles when they slashed her eye, glimpses of the pain when they changed her clothes and their hands in the most private places made her feel out of her body. It made her feel disgusting – she was touched, she was sliced, she was disgraced.

At the same time, she felt embarrassed to cry. Maybe what she experienced wasn't as bad as she thought it was. Perhaps, she should give it to her inner demons to haunt her silently. The happiness of them going back home all safe and sound was washed away. Everyone who will look at her will see her as a witch, tortured by Fjerdans and disgraced.

They took her dignity and smashed it.

The tears got stuck in her throat, a sob was about to leave her lips. She didn't want anyone to see her like this – weak, crying. Yet the bandage on her eye will cause everyone to look at her with pity and all of the people on this ship will know what has happened to her.

"She's awake?" A booming voice was heard in the distance.

"Yup," Jesper replied with a smile.

The man appeared in the distance so that she could identify him and a breath got stuck in her throat. Instantly, she grasped her brother's hand in a pure state of panic, standing up. Jesper got alerted almost instantly as he helped her to stand up, watching the way both of her hands held on to him for support as her bruised face was painted with pure fear.

"Lavender? What's wrong? Where does it hurt?" Jesper immediately asked, only to see her wide eye, pupil moving from one side to another as she was shielding herself from looking at Matthias.

Matthias.

Lavender didn't take the time to look at the man correctly, only noticing the distinguishing features – tall, bulky and blonde. Immediately, her mind forced her to panic, memories flooding her brain with the man that was holding the knife – tall, bulky, blonde in that dark uniform. She remembered the smirk of the man as he sliced her thighs, as he moved up to her body with pure wickedness in his gaze.

She didn't want that man near her.

Jesper's voice was somewhere in the distance as her vision was blurry from tears, only hoping that whatever her hands were gripping was her brother. She felt as if she was stuck as if that man is going to get her again and slice her body with no remorse. Suddenly, all of the wounds on her body started to burn, reminding her that they were there, they were always haunting her.

"What's going on?" The rough undertones appeared on the scene alongside the cling of the cane as Kaz walked from the direction where the ship was sailed.

Kaz was met with Jesper, holding his sister tightly in his hug, while she was crying her soul out, mumbling incoherent words as Matthias just stood there. Nothing more was needed to tell.

"Helvar!" Kaz's voice was louder, rushed, "Get out of her sight!"

Only then did the Fjerdan giant realise that it was him who caused the reaction. With an abrupt nod, he quickly disappeared from her sight, making Kaz walk closer to the Fahey siblings, trying to keep on his cold expression even if some sort of relief was making its way to see her alive, but her cries...

"Lavender, hey! He's gone," Jesper explained. "He's not going to hurt you."

She didn't seem to respond to the words, her body visible trembling, so Kaz pushed his hand and took the chair, placing it behind Lavender, so Jesper could place her down safely. After placing her on the chair, the woman raised her head to look at her brother, fear written on her face as she was pinching the fabric of her pants, her breath short and quick.

"I'll get some ointment for her— something... Anything...," Jesper hoped in anxiety as he said that, sprinting below, leaving Kaz alone with Lavender.

Kaz Brekker felt nervous. He had no idea what to do. That's why, he pushed the cane against the table, stepping in front of the wrecked woman and he squatted down, much to the protest of his right leg.

"Lavender," his sharp tone made the woman raise her head, but she clearly was somewhere else and not here with him.

The woman was pulling her fingers together, rubbing them against the fabric of her pants, her body gently swaying. Her lips were trembling as if she was trying to say something, but nothing coherent left her mouth. He has never seen her scared like that in his entire life.

"Lavender," he repeated, only this time, the sharpness of his voice became rushed, his heart spiking with pure worry as he didn't know what to do. He couldn't touch her or hug her the way Jesper did.

"I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know..." The woman kept on mumbling, shaking her head gently as her breathing was short and fast, chest raising way too quickly.

Seeing her mind work against him, made him let out a silent wince. He knew too well what it was like to deal with demons from your past and how realistic they were. Even the way she was sitting was making him lose control of himself – posture crooked from the pain, the bandage on her eye only showing him that she has been in hell because of him.

Kaz didn't know how to apologize or how to say that he regrets taking her with him. He couldn't comprehend the limits of his foolishness to ignore the fact of her getting hurt, just to have her close. Watching the way she tried to control her breathing, but she was failing – it left him hurt as if he has been shot himself.

"Lavender, look at me," he pleaded, finally catching her stare, blurry from the tears.

The woman felt as if she was struck by the lightning. The fluttering of her heart from seeing him was quickly overthrown by pure embarrassment. She didn't want him to see her like this, to see her so weak and dishonoured, unable to control her own emotions. Yet she sat there frozen, her legs not complying with her, her body aching to run away, but she just sat there, still.

"Did you know that crows always come back to the ones they care about?" Kaz asked the same question she has asked him years ago.

The woman abruptly nodded, pushing her fingernails into her palm as she tried to erase the image of the smirking Fjerdan that enjoyed nothing more, but carving her body as if she wasn't a human.

"Do you know why?" He asked, the gravel of his voice sounding unbelievably soft and soothing.

She hummed, pushing her head to the side in a painful manner as her leg was slightly jumping up and down. She forced herself to think. She knew everything about birds and crows were her favourite. "Because they are really loyal—"

Lavender didn't finish the sentence even if her mind completely brought her back into reality. Her eye was looking away from Kaz, looking at the table where the cane of his was pressed with the crow's head carved on it.

Crows were her favourite birds.

Turning her attention to him, a breath got stuck in her throat – he remembers her. He always did.

"They are really loyal birds," she finished her sentence, looking at him with pure disbelief.

Kaz remembers her. Then why did he pretend that she didn't exist? Why didn't he say anything? Why did he make her feel as if she meant nothing to him?

From the swift in her emotions, he already could tell that she figured everything out. That's why, he stood up, grabbing the cane from the table, ready to turn around and go before her voice stopped him:

"Why didn't you tell me?"

In order to protect you, he thought, since if anyone in Ketterdam would know that she was the only person left from his past, she would end up dead quicker than anyone since there were so many people who wanted to hurt him.

"Get some rest."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice slightly raised – she was mad.

The man gripped his gloved hand tighter around the head of the crow, knowing that she will loathe him for this, "It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?" Her voice broke at the end of the question, making him feel completely shattered and glad that he wasn't facing her at this moment or he would fall apart completely.

"It's the past. It doesn't matter."

     Lavender couldn't deal with this kind of answer. Was she really a fucking idiot for remembering him each day when for him, she was just a past he buried? How easy was it for him to do it? Why did she dwell on the memory of him? That's why, she forced herself to stand up, ignoring her wobbly legs as she stood in his way.

     "That's it? No—no fucking relief to see your old friend?" She shook her head in disbelief, her hands around her waist for supporting her stance.

     Kaz couldn't look at her - it was pure torture hearing her say this. Old friend. She was always more than old friend - she was everything to him.

     "Look," he started, forcing himself to stay strong, "don't dwell on your past and move on."

     "Is that what you did? You moved on?"

     Sucking in a sharp breath, he strained himself as he said, "I did."

Within these words, he walked away as soon as he could only to leave her alone, who put her hand over her mouth to suppress a sob. Pressing his back into a storage room's wall, he leaned forwards, running his hands through his hair, cursing under his breath. He had to keep the fluttering of his heart a secret if he wanted her to stay alive.

      He had to get to Ketterdam and finish this as soon as possible. He couldn't let his past and his memories ruin her life. She deserved to be happy. He had to let her go.

author's note:

you know me - how can I go on without angst and pain? BUT LAVENDER FINALLY KNOWS HE REMEMBERS HER!
We are slowly moving into CK plot and it is gonna be a bit different so, stay tuned!
What would you like to tell Kaz? Lavender?

m.n