chapter twenty-two,     a moment of vulnerability

KAZ LEAD HER INTO A SAFE HOUSE. Where it was located, she didn't really know – it seemed like the other buildings in the Barrel – made out of stones, crooked and gloomy. The interior was simple – a few pieces of furniture here and there, boxes and books splattered around the floor. As soon as they got into there, Kaz shut the curtains and lightened up a lantern, placing it on a fancy mahogany table.

He was avoiding her to look at her and the scowl on his lips told her that he was pissed. Was he pissed that she put two bullets into the ceiling of the Crow Club? It was a bit dramatic of her. But after being tackled on the floor and punched in her jaw while her lungs decided to bail on her, she thinks it was necessary.

Catching her breath, she leaned to the wall, softly placing her bag and the revolvers on the boxes beside her and she closed her eyes, letting herself take a moment. She slowly moved to a chair near the table and she huffed out while sitting down, wanting to lean down and rub her thighs a bit, but she felt as if frozen.

"This was a mistake," he said.

And there it was. "Shut up."

"I shouldn't have agreed to do this," his voice was bitter, almost unknown.

"The plan only showed that I'm right," she didn't listen to him. "Everyone's interested in hurting you. Per Haskell wanted to get me for someone else. Not the Council."

"Your plan ends right here," he was not facing her, but rather looking at the table where the lantern was placed.

"No, it's not."

"Haven't you heard me clearly?" He snapped his head at her, an angry expression she hasn't seen before that made her throat dry.

"The plan is working. If we put the attention of the Barrel on me, you will be able to deal with Van Eck since he will be too busy trying to get me."

Kaz closed his eyes in frustration and he took off the hat, pressing his gloved hands into the corners of the table. He clearly was trying so hard to not snap at her – and for what reason?

She took the moment to speak: "Wylan is working on the weevils. He is a smart kid - what you said about ruining Van Eck will work. Everything's going to work. My appearance— the whole symbol of Brekker's wife will start a damn war between the gangs! That's what we wanted."

Kaz couldn't listen to her. He wasn't thinking straight. He made a mistake. He should've never let her do this. He was actually delusional and that terrified him. So much for earning his name as the Brekker, as one of the feared men in Ketterdam when the woman beside him could twist and turn him, shape him however she liked. He got so caught up in those four days creating the perfect plan that he forgot that she was walking into the lion's den. It wasn't her fight. He didn't think this through—for fucks sake... Kaz Brekker didn't think it through.

"I'll find another way to wage that war. From now on, you will stay on the island and not get out of there until this is all over," he said, his voice causing shivers to run down her back.

He was dangerous and the atmosphere between the two was making her sick. "No," she shook her head and she slowly tried to stand up, wincing in pain and that wince made him look at her.

"Sit back down," he snapped at her and she gave him a glare, managing to stand up, grasping the back of the chair.

Walking to him, she huffed out, trying to stand straight, but she clearly failed: "What has gotten into you?! You were aboard with this plan in less than three hours!"

"In less than three hours you were still not running from people wanting to hurt you, Lavender," he grumbled, their eyes meeting.

"I'm not backing down," she stood to her ground.

"It's not up to you anymore – deal with it." He scoffed.

"I can do this without you. The main act is done anyways," Lavender tilted her head, her eye slightly squinting.

Kaz wanted to scream. Really, really bad. Closing his eyes, he tightly sealed his lips together, pushing his palms into fists and gently nudging the surface of the table, before he muttered: "Sit down."

"I'm fine with standing—"

"Sit. Back. Down."

The woman slightly chuckled and she leaned forwards, gripping the edge of the table as she raised her head to face him, "Listen to me, Brekker, very carefully. I knew the risks of getting myself into it. You have no idea what I'm willing to do for all of those people back in the Black Veil Island," she slightly tilted her head. "I don't have much time left and trust my words that I won't get out of this world without my revolvers getting emptied. Don't make me empty them on you."

His eyes dropped to her lips, the crimson blood painting them even brighter and he almost felt dizzy at the sight of her. The urge to shut her up was boiling his blood, but the wicked glint in her eyes was tying knobs in his chest. "You're an idiot, nothing more. If that's what you want - to die, don't involve me in that. I never want to lose you again and I'll not keep up with your impulsive and erratic behaviour," he spat those words like venom, but she didn't take them in that way.

Her breath got stuck painfully in her throat, a tear welling in the corner of her eye. She breathed out deeply, taking five seconds to herself while repeating his words in her mind. She really was a fucking idiot and nothing more since she actually believed him, when he told her on the boat that he has moved on from his past. Saints— his cane pushed against the wall, the Kaz Brekker—everything carried a tiny piece of her and Jordie.

"My lungs are collapsing and I can't change that... I don't want to die, but what choice do I have? What say do I have in this?" She shook her head, her voice, as loud as a faint whisper. "If somehow I can help them, somehow help you— I want to do something."

Kaz's face twisted in anger, or was it already grief? "I'm not losing you, Lavender! If you think I won't stuff some Grisha with jurda parem and force them to get you better— you're wrong!"

"Kaz," she sighed.

Something snapped inside of him - the realisation that he was losing her again and that took him over the edge. "No! No!" he shook his head, taking a step back and pushing his hands slightly up, his shoulders raising as he was looking at her. "I can't allow you to come back into my life and plague it with your death."

His chest was rising heavily and Lavender quickly noticed from the slight trembling of his hands that he was about to have a panic attack. Ignoring the ache in her whole body, she forced herself to get to him, too close, but not touching him.

"Kaz," her voice was worried.

Kaz couldn't think straight. He couldn't bare the fact of having her ghost haunt him. He couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't— he was drowning again.

The heavy breathing of his only indicated that he wasn't here with her, so she quickly extended her hand and pushed him towards the wall, so that if he would fall, she would have an easier time holding him back to the wall. She retracted her hand from his immediately, but she looked at him, noticing the way his pupils were jumping from one corner to another, head slightly shaking as his chest was rising uncomfortably.

She pushed the coat off his body, letting it drop on the floor and her shaking fingers unbuttoned the three first buttons of his shirt, breaking off the tension around his neck. Then she slowly grabbed his right hand and she quickly pushed the glove away, meeting his slender hand that was so cold, quivering underneath her touch.

Lavender forced his fingers to move to her forearm and she pressed them down to her inner wrist, making him feel her quick heartbeat. "Kaz," she called him out, softly. "Kaz, I'm here. I'm alive and breathing— do you feel it? I'm here. With you."

His eyes dropped to their hands, facing the reality as his fingers felt the quick thuds of her heart and he slightly winced at the impact of their skin, but he didn't retract his hand. She was warm. So warm. She wasn't a dead, cold body. She was warm. Pushing his head forward, his forehead stopped just before touching her shoulder, not allowing himself to ruin this. His hair dropped on her shoulder as he focused on the faint scent of the lavenders and her warmth— she was here, she was here, she was here.

The quick rhythm—counting the little beats underneath his skin, underneath her warm and soft skin, he found the strength to breathe again calmly. He slowly retracted his head away from her, meeting her worried gaze, but it also comforted him that she was here, beside him.

Their eyes met and she saw in the blue of his eyes that there wasn't a day in his life that he hasn't thought about her. He saw it as well. The way their bodies ached for each other, but being close would only make it harder. They were strong, battling their own demons, sucking up their fears for the split moment of touch. It soothed them both. They didn't need more. They knew it all already.

"You lied back at the schooner, didn't you?" Lavender whispered, not breaking eye contact, not allowing herself to ruin the only moment to hear the truth.

Her quick heartbeat was still ringing in his ears, getting him drunk on the fact that she was here and alive. Breathing and warm. In front of him. "I did."

Kaz retracted his hand, almost hesitantly, not forcing himself to do this until the horrors will come back. He didn't break eye contact, not wanting to waste a second not looking at her. The thought of losing her was making him dizzy, but he knew how stubborn she was. It was up to him to take care of her so he wouldn't lose her.

Never again.

"Don't—don't push me away again, Kaz. I won't be able to take it."

The raw emotions in her eye were making him feel lightheaded. He has put her through so much suffering because of his beliefs, and because of who he is. He didn't deserve her to look at him that way and he knew it perfectly. But he also knew that if she were to die because of him – he'll burn this city back to the island of dead it once was.

"If we are to proceed with the plan—you have to be—"

A smile sat on her lips, interrupting his speech: "Of course—of course! My plan is going to work. Come on, Brekker," a smile sat on her lips and he felt dizzy from the sight of it, "I thought you will be on board with a little bit of acting. Weren't you the one saying that Ketterdam is driven by kruge? We are getting our money back."

What will he do with his kruge if he will have to bury her body?

She took his silence as acceptance and she placed the bag on the table best them and she took out a roll of bandage. She pushed off her coat and lifted her shirt, revealing a set of slightly bruised ribs and she whined.

His eyes unwillingly moved from the toned muscles on her stomach, on her ribs, noticing the way she scooped her hand under her breasts, covering them in her velvet shirt, making sure that as much as her ribs were visible to him without her being completely bare.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Suddenly he couldn't breathe and remember where he was supposed to look at. Her skin looked incredibly smooth even if there were scars on her stomach just as there were on her neck and her arms. She looked so strong, yet so delicate and he was purely mesmerised.

"Gonna bandage it later," she mumbled to herself and let her shirt cover her skin, making him regain common sense.

Kaz felt that his cheeks were warmer than usual, so he grasped his cane, put on his coat and reached for his hat before she took it first.

"Nope," she shook her head, putting the hat of his on her head. "This hat doesn't suit you at all."

The man only deadpanned and shook his head slightly. "Stay here. I'll be back soon."

Lavender sighed and shook her head, a small smile tugging on her lips as she watched him leave. Oh, her plan was going to act. If it still wasn't clear, the comically brilliant plan of hers was for the gangs to wage a war on each other because of Kaz Brekker's wife. Why it was a brilliant plan that was going to work? Because of the two ribs, she almost broke while meeting Per Haskell.

There was one thing that every gang of Ketterdam had in common – they wanted Kaz Brekker to suffer.

author's note:

kaz, darling, your feelings are showing—