chapter twenty-eight,     what is the use of me if I die?

NOW THAT EVERYONE WAS at Black Veil, full of their adventures and stories, it felt odd. Everything was moving at a really fast pace, hell was slowly unleashing in Ketterdam, and more and more people were joining the hunt for them all. They had to be swift and lethal and most importantly, trust each other wholeheartedly.

Now there were a few wanted posts placed on the top of the desk. Matthias joined the club. It appears that the government will not hold back any money as the juiciest rewards sat on top of Kaz's and Wylan's heads, followed by Inej, Jesper, now Matthias, and—Lavender.

Jesper giggled, "That's a bit sad, don't you think?" He held his sister's poster wiggling it around for everyone to see.

"Well, at least I am summoned for questioning and not for an immediate beheading ceremony," she snatched the poster away from him. "Shouldn't you be worried that your face is spread around the whole Ketterdam and our dad is in Ketterdam?" She pointed out that her poster didn't even have a proper sketch, it was just a silhouette of a woman.

That seemed to shut him up nicely.

"Maybe we should all go to Ravka. A fresh start? Away from idiotic bounties," Nina suggested.

"It's not a bad idea," said Kaz.

Everyone looked at him weirdly – Kaz would never leave Ketterdam under any circumstances. It must be a joke, right?

Nina forced himself out of the trance of the idea of Kaz leaving and shook her head, stuffing two crackers into her right cheek: "Did I hear that correctly? You'd go to Ravka?" She took a sip of water to help her swallow the dry crackers easier.

"Not a chance. I am not done with Van Eck," he destroyed the image of him leaving Ketterdam. "But it is not a bad idea for you all to go." He looked directly at Lavender and she offered him a glare that stated her stubbornness. She was not leaving either. If he wanted to see how Van Eck's life would tear apart, she wanted to see how her father would fall into the pits of hell.

"But you all could come," Nina stated and looked at Jesper. "Colm could as well."

Jesper looked at his sister and shook his head: "Da will never leave his farm. I want him to get the money and get back to Novyi Zem."

"Inej?" Nina asked.

"I will go to Ravka, but not now. It will be on my ship, with my crew and my own rules." Inej stated her wish to stay.

"Aleksej?" Nina asked.

"No way. I'd rather go to Novyi Zem and start a future there. I didn't run away from Ravka without reason. I won't be a puppet again," the curly-haired replied. Taking a few steps closer to Lavender, he sneaked a hand around her waist for support, "I'd actually like to speak with Colm. I wouldn't mind helping him out with the farm."

Lavender gently smiled, knowing how much Aleksej wished to have some peace. Farm life was nothing but peace and Colm was always whining about selling the farm because he was too old to tend to it. Having a hand would benefit her father and knowing how beautiful the farm is, it would be the best thing for Aleksej as well.

"That's a great idea," Jesper answered. "I think Da would be happy."

Kaz looked away from the hand on Lavender's waist to his watch from his waistcoat. "We're coming on eight bells. The meeting will be soon at the Merchant Council which will allow me and Wylan to get the seal out of the safe. Nina and Inej will hit the Sweet Reef. Remember the guards and the controlled gate." He placed a tiny bottle on the table. "This is a coffee extract. If those Shu soldiers really can scent Grisha, let's make sure they don't."

All of them that had Grisha powers had dabbed a generous amount around their ears, neck, and wrists—this time Lavender included. Now they knew better.

"How many refugees?" Kaz asked Nina.

"A total of seventeen," she answered.

"Plus you, Matthias, Wylan, and Kuwei. Twenty-one. Specht will forge the letter."

"I'm not going," Wylan disagreed. "I'm not letting my father run me out of this city like some sort of dog. Not anymore."

Everyone in the room respected the decision of his. They were all in a fight with his father and he was the person that deserved to see his fall the most.

Jesper scoffed shaking his head, "You knew... Of course you knew," he directed his words to Kaz. "You knew Wylan's mother was alive."

Wylan's mother was alive? All of the others didn't even have time to react to this.

"Why do you think I let you both go to Olendaal? He needed to see what his father really is," Kaz replied, unfazed.

"You could've told me," Wylan shook his head.

"Telling and showing does not have the same impact. I needed you righteous, not angry." Kaz straightened his back. "It's getting late and set your minds on what we have to do now. Let's keep our family issues for later. You all," Kaz looked at Lavender and the others who didn't have a mission assigned yet. "You will leave for the embassy at half past nine bells. You approach from the canal. Do not even try to attract attention, meaning... Lavender will lead Kuwei with Matthias and Jesper will keep his distance as we might need a sharpshooter. The ship is called Verrhader. Stay smart and stay quiet."

Lavender felt a bit of happiness in her chest – she was happy to be included in the plan and not tossed away for safekeeping. It was debatable how useful she was now, considering her lungs and her worsened eyesight, but she could stay quiet and stealthy. She was definitely more stealthy than her brother who was at a disadvantage from just his height.

They all moved to gather their things, not leaving time for a grand goodbye because they had to stay clear-minded. They had to stay positive that all of this will work as they all have been through so much shit and failure that they needed for something to work.

Kaz pulled her to the side when she was gathering her medical supplies. Pushing her to the furthest corner, surrounded by the buzz of others, he leaned to her as the crow of his cane was holding her in place. "If there is any trouble at all— do not attract attention and move back. Your job is not only to keep them all alive but also yourself."

"What's the use of me if I am dead, am I right?" She whispered, looking at him.

Kaz refrained from smiling. "What's the use of you if you are dead," he repeated. He stood there for a moment, clearly wanting to say something else, but he was debating. But he didn't tell her what he wanted to, because he allowed himself to be just a tad optimistic that night. He won't say the words that were meant to be said if they never see each other again. They will see each other again.

Instead, he turned around, alerting everyone with his words that meant to show that they had to go: "No mourners."

"No funerals," everyone else replied in a mumble.

And the first four disappeared into the darkness, leaving the other ones to wait for their mark.

Kuwei started to pack his notebooks and Jesper changed into something more plain looking, leaving his flashy patterns here. Matthias was sitting, looking at Kuwei and he finally asked: "Could the parem alter Nina's power? Change it?"

"I suppose it is possible," Kuwei answered. "Nina survived the withdrawal. We don't know much, but it is possible."

Lavender hummed, "Nina's powers are definitely changing. Her hunger for jurda parem is not as horrible as before. Maybe it's the fact that she has been exposed to jurda parem only a few times?"

Aleksej took a step closer to the Fjerdan. "I feel like my powers are completely gone. I haven't got the—feeling in my chest where I know I can alter something. If this is the case—maybe a small dosage of jurda parem can alter the power if you survive. Other times, it vanishes."

Kuwei took the words into his account. He has been interrogating Aleksej for the past few weeks about his symptoms, of what he could remember, of what he felt. It seemed like this theory was right – small dosage and survival was promising, but being exposed for almost a year and not dying was a pure miracle.

"It's not what my father worked on," Kuwei admitted. "Jurda parem was supposed not only to strengthen Grisha, but also to expand their abilities, and make them hide it easier. Why be tied to one element if you can have two?" He looked at Lavender. "You are the closest thing we have to that."

The woman stood there confused, crossing her hands over her chest. "How do you know if I have two abilities? We don't even know what Grisha I am. There is no need to know that."

"A Heartrender and if I was to guess—a Healer as well," Kuwei said.

"It doesn't matter," Lavender shook her head.

"Jurda is a stimulant, good for fighting fatigue. If there is a right formula, Grisha can stay healthy while hiding their powers," Kuwei stood his ground. "You're sick."

Lavender closed her eyes in frustration. Matthias leaned forward in his chair: "What does he mean by that?"

She sighed, "A while back I caught a cold that never seemed to end. It damaged my lungs—a group of Healers didn't manage to heal me. It's a matter of time now."

Jesper's face dropped. "What do you mean it's a matter of time now?" He knew about her sickness, but he didn't think it would take away his sister from him any time now. He thought that it was one of those constant coughs you have until you get old and die. "What does that mean?"

"It means she's dying," Aleksej replied for her, noticing how uncomfortable Lavender looked.

"The sickness lives while you are not a Grisha. If you would use your powers..." Kuwei reminded her again.

Jesper moved closer to his sister. "No, but Kuwei is right." He earned a soft smile from the Shu guy. "Look at me—I barely use my powers and I have never been sick a day in my life." He placed his hands on his sister's shoulders. "You don't have to use the power every day, just—enough to make you live."

The woman winced. She didn't want to use the powers. She didn't know how and she didn't know if it was even possible. Maybe it was already too late. And it was her fault for the stubbornness, but she tried not to blame herself—she had already been punished for being a Grisha, and the never-ending torture in the back of her head, the visible scars on her body, her barely seeing eye, were a constant reminder why she couldn't use her powers. She was terrified. Terrified that a stupid Fjerdan will jump out of the bush at the same second she will try to alter something. The fear was childish, but she was already making amends with death. It was too late.

"Let's just—survive all of this mess first and once we can walk freely in the streets, we'll see." She promised even if deep down in her heart she knew that the road to victory was not coming soon. And she was already counting the days until her lungs would collapse. She pulled her brother into a hug, squeezing his lanky figure as much as she could.

Suddenly the window shattered right in front of them all and Lavender didn't even manage to blink as she was already on the floor, Jesper shielding her his guns drawn already. Urging Aleksej to get behind her, she took her pistols from her bag as Matthias shielded Kuwei and pulled him under the table, grabbing a rifle.

"The cemetery finally has become lively," Jesper whispered, moving to the wall and peaking through the window, noting several lanterns and splattered figures. "Very lively."

"Stay down!" Matthias ordered Kuwei and moved around the corner to look outside from the cracked stone. "We're surrounded," he said and soon another round of gunfire greeted them as the stained glass shattered around them.

Jesper got closer to Matthias, looking through the crack as Lavender put her bag over her shoulder and urged Aleksej to get under the small table in the corner. She checked if her revolvers were full of bullets and nodded to herself, getting ready for the fight. She pushed back the triggers, moving closer to the corner near the exit.

"I can't make out their tattoos. But they must be Dime Lions," Jesper informed.

Lavender froze for a second, the anger boiling in her chest. It was a question if Pekka Rollins sent his dogs for Kuwei or her head. Another set of gunfire and laughter surrounded them—of course, they were gang, you could smell from out here how confident they were that they surrounded them.

"I can avert their attention," Lavender moved closer to Matthias and Jesper. "We don't know why they are here, but I can give them myself."

"No! Absolutely not!" Jesper whisper-yelled.

"I don't want to be kidnapped, you idiot! I got out of there and you move from the back and hit them from behind. If Wylan left bombs – use them, and give them to Aleksej. Kuwei," she turned to him, "use your powers. You as well, Jes, make your shots count." Lavender ordered.

"We can bomb the back of the tomb to make them go there and then you can come out through the front," Matthias suggested, pushing the bombs and the powder on the floor toward Aleksej.

Lavender nodded, "Head to the broken catacomb nearby. From there you can hide Kuwei and cover the ground."

Aleksej sneaked to them and lit up the bomb throwing it towards the end of the tomb and as soon as that horrible bang was over, Lavender mustered up and sprinted towards the door of the tomb, opening it swiftly and revealing herself in a crowd of guns.

"Who the bloody hell is this?" An older man spat on the ground, turning his pistol to her.

It was visible that a dozen men ran to the back of the tomb as she was facing ten more in front of her. She raised her hands, holding her guns, looking at the man with wide eyes. "They told me—they told me to run," she whined, her voice trembling.

"I didn't think the gang of scums took in whores," the old one grumbled. "And pretty ones as well."

Behind them another explosion just blasted, making the earth tremble beneath their feet. She whimpered, closing her eyes, shaking her head: "They told me to come out here—I don't even know how to use these guns. I am just a medic, please!"

Gunshots were echoing through the darkness as the amount of guns in her face didn't lessen.

"Getting Brekker's medik won't hurt. Boss will be happy," one of them said and the old one agreed.

As they were about to grab her, a blast of fire was seen behind her and it averted their attention just at the right moment. She gently ducked and grabbed a male that was closest to her, to her joy, not really tall and a bit chubby. She pushed one of her guns underneath his chin and pointed the other one at the old man in front of her.

"You boys are so interested in things that are shiny," she cooed. Feeling the man struggle in her grip, she pushed the barrel of the gun up, her finger itching to shoot him. "It's not a good sign to work while tipsy. What would Pekka Rollins say?"

"Fucking bitch," the old man spat out. "Don't think I won't shoot you just because you are holding one of us."

"Oh, yes," she nodded, her eyes sparkling with delight. "Oh, yes, kill me and your boss will never find Brekker."

"What is she on?!" Another man grumbled. "Let's just kill her already!"

The old man scoffed and chuckled, "Missus Brekker." He put the dots together. "Of course, he wouldn't have settled for a nice, quiet farm girl."

"It's really hard to have a peaceful farm life when you lots are going after my husband."

The old man chuckled, "Come on, boys. If we find the Shu and get Brekker's wife – we'll be filthy rich."

With those words, she pushed her knee up in between her hostage's legs, hitting him in the groin, she pushed him down and shot him right in between his shoulder blades. She didn't want them dead, she wanted them paralyzed.

The other men lunged for her and she quickly moved down, shooting two bullets at a man in front of her, hitting his right knee. Another man appeared beside her and grasped her left arm, pushing it back, and making her release the gun. She gasped from the pain and she kicked him right in his stomach, extending her right arm and shooting his arm. But as soon she did so, two men grasped her by her forearms and locked her in place. She knew that wriggling out was impossible, so she tried to stay as still as possible and waited for the opportunity to strike again.

Her lungs seemed to be at the top of her throat, her chest rising and falling unevenly, the adrenaline making her shiver. It will be okay. The fire behind them all told her that the others were alive – it was what mattered the most.

The man, with the bleeding arm, cursed and walked to her, punching her with his left hand with all of his strength. She gasped for air, feeling that he bruised her cheekbone and pierced her lip pretty badly because of the two rings he was wearing. "Fucking bitch," he groaned.

"You know how to keep up the fight," the old man grasped her jaw, making her body ignite with pure anger. She couldn't stand them holding her down—it reminded too much of that cold, marble room, of the Fjerdans that tore her clothes apart and slashed her body.

Lavender couldn't even hear what the old man saying, her vision blurring from the fire behind them and the burning lanterns. Her body was aching, her lungs were collapsing and the anger was beginning to be unleashed. Her trembling body grew limp as she could hear several beats in her ears—heartbeats. She gasped for air as the old man released her jaw and someone struck her stomach, making her cough out blood. The heartbeats in her ear got faster and faster, it was as if they were on the back of her palms.

Heartbeats on her palms.

She lunged forward with all of the strength she had and squeezed her palms together, feeling the way the heartbeats got even faster. Opening her eyes, she could see how men around her started to gasp for air as if they couldn't breathe and they soon released her from their grip as they were falling into the embrace of death. What a perfect place to die. They won't even need a grave here.

She stumbled on her knees, catching her breath as the heartbeats in her ears were slowing down. Surrounded by their wailing, their breathless curses, she allowed herself to take a moment and breathe. Slowly, with shaking legs she stood up and exhaled, feeling how the power inside of her warmed her whole body.

    A Heartrender. Lavender was indeed a Heartrender.

Looking forward, she grasped her revolvers from the ground and noticed her brother appear from the corner. His eyes widened,  looking at the ten corpses and the weak state of his sister.

Kuwei appeared, all flushed and sweaty, making it clear that the fire all along was his accomplishment. "I told you. She is a Heartrender."

"Where do we go now?" Aleksej breathed out as Jesper rushed to his sister, supporting her so she could stand straight.

"We must assume that Pekka Rollins knew about all of this," Jesper said. "About where are the others as well. "If that's the case, they won't come back here. Let's go to Da."

thank you so much for your support on this book! all I can say is that the next chapter will feed into the tension between Kaz and Lavender, so stay tuned!

just wait until kaz will see that someone hit her on the face, you just wait— (angsty confession foreshadowing?)