dear diary

i'm sorry to say that this won't be a happy one either.

i had a couple of happier weeks... but i've honestly been so worn out, tired and spread thing that i think i might snap.

it's not normal for me to be like this.

it's not normal for anyone to be like this.

it's like... my heart is an aching, throbbing weight within my chest, weighing me down. or my mind is a prison of dull, laughter-less fatigue.

i'm plagued by nightmares and sleeplessness. i'm working hard for my grade twelve courses. i'm trying. i'm trying.

and it doesn't feel like it's enough.

it's like... i'm pouring myself into a never-ending glass.

i can't fill it up.

it scares me, and it haunts me, and it nags at me... that i won't be enough. ever.

i feel... so alone, these days.

i have friends... when they want to be friends. i have no person who likes me; i'm not "pretty enough" or "cool enough" or whatever it is.

and it's not that i want someone to like.

it's that everyone else has someone that likes them... so what's wrong with me?

am i not...

am i...

am...

i. just. can't.

not anymore.

i'm hounded by feeling the inadequacy of short hair when the world loves long, sleek hair. of wearing blouses instead of crop tops. of not bothering with makeup when everyone else looks like they can star in a movie.

i know this is vain. but it's real.

and i can't ignore it.

not anymore.

with much love,

leanne