Hello. 

          I'd like to start off by introducing myself. 

          My name is Parker Lewis. 

          You've probably heard of me on the news by now, and for all the wrong reasons. I've been a Los Angeles resident all my life, living in California's most prestigious city. I would like to make a few things clear before we dive in. One, I'm a grade-A narcissist, so let's get that out of the way. Two, there's probably a high chance I'm CRAZY. And three, I couldn't care less what you think of me. Now that you've been informed, let's begin with the story.

          Ah, yes. Growing up in the '90s was something. Us Los Angeles kids were living the dream. Rocking punk haircuts and pushing skateboards heavy as bricks. Those long summer nights will forever be remembered. We'd sit back on the roofs of our cars, watching the sunset over the horizon. We chased girls around at the beach, and stayed out late at night, until the police had to come pick us up because our parents were so concerned. Such nostalgic memories, every one of them.

          By the time I was sixteen years old, I had already dated four girls...AKA the ALPHA of elementary school. Three of the relationships were official, and the last one was only somewhat of a partnership. In other words, I didn't have a hard time getting girls. In fact, it was very much the opposite. However, once I grew out of late childhood innocence, or in other words, hit puberty, things changed.

          It all started on a cool morning in 1997. I was walking to school, my seventh-grade class, where I saw all the girls lined up. I was very used to receiving attention from them. I seemed to be their favourite boy to chase around on the playground, and I secretly loved it. But things were different that day. They didn't even seem phased by my presence. They were all in a circle, talking a mile a minute, as if they having a caffeine rush. I discreetly listened in on their conversation.

          "Oh my God. I can't believe tonight is the premiere!"

          "I know! I practically FAINTED when I saw him in the trailer!"

          "He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"

          "That actress is SO lucky!"

          What the heck? I remember thinking to myself. Who are they talking about?

          Their gossip went on until the bell rang, and even then, they couldn't seem to contain their excitement. I ended up asking my friend Dillon if he knew what was going on.

          "It's the premiere tonight," he told me.

          "Yes, so I've heard. But the premiere for what?"

          "You don't know? The new movie coming out—Titanic."

          No. Why hadn't I heard of this?

          "Well, who are the girls talking about?" I asked.

          He paused, before saying a name that would forever haunt me. "Leonardo DiCaprio."

          "Leonardo Di-what?" I replied.

          "Dicaprio. He's one of the main characters in the film. He's a real talent alright. Had an Oscar nomination a few years back. Should've won, too."

          I was still confused. I couldn't get over the way those girls (the ones that usually flocked over me) spoke of him. It was like they were literally on crack they were so happy.

          Dillion continued, "They're saying it might be one of the most hyped movies. It's breaking box office records as we speak. Anyway, I gotta get my homework prepared. See you, man."

          After he went to hang up his jacket, I continued to observe the girls, who were still gossiping about the same topic. I took an instant disliking to this Leo guy. Even though I knew nothing about him, he just seemed to rub me the wrong way.

          When recess began, the girls were still going on about him. I found myself agitated that they weren't giving me the attention I'd received in the past. I figured this would just be a one-day phase, but little did I know it was only the beginning.

          By the time Monday rolled around the next week, the girls were still just as excited, if not more, about Leo's performance in the movie. They didn't even mention other aspects of the film, like camera angles, props and settings, costume designs. All they cared about was Leonardo DiCaprio. 

          At this point, I was trying to stay as far away from the movie as possible. I was extremely triggered by the amount of attention the girls were giving this guy. Not only that, but they still weren't interested in me anymore, at least not nearly as much as before the film was released.

          But no matter how hard I tried to avoid contact with Titanic, it was simply impossible. Within only several days after opening night, the movie was selling out every theatre across the world. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that damn song My Heart Will Go on by Celine Dion, I'd be a multimillionaire. I'd want to puke my guts out every night, hearing my sister sing in the shower like a dying whale, as of course she was wishing to see the movie herself with all the hype leading up around Leo. Okay...I would give her credit if she actually could, but my sister can't sing for utter shit! I'd cover my ears with my pillow desperately, hearing her scream with a brute-like voice in the shower.

          Neeeeaaaaaarrrrr

          Faaaaaarrrrrrrrrr

          Whhheeeerrrrreeeeevvvvveeeerrrr you are

          I bellliiieeevvvee thhaat myy heart willll gooo onnn

          Literally everywhere I went, I was exposed to Leo's creep face. On buses, magazine covers, newspapers, commercials, at gas stations. His charming smile and luscious hair always set me off. And it was utter torture every time I was forced to witness the girls practically drooling out the mouth for him. "Leo Mania" was in full effect, and I was in the heart of it all—Los Angeles.

          Everybody, and I mean everybody, seemed to love the guy. It wasn't just the girls. Even my male teacher and a few other boys in my class admitted he was a fine actor. But me? Nuh-uh. I wasn't going to just jump on the bandwagon. I didn't see Leo for all his fine features and the dreamy persona he had adopted in the movie. I saw him as a target; a threat. Without even being in the same proximity as us, he had managed to steal my girls. This was simply unacceptable, and would not fly by my standards.

          .   .   .   .   .

          It had now been a full month since the premiere, and Titanic was still shattering box office records, as Leo was getting more attention from the girls than ever. 

          I was sitting in my room playing video games one evening—it was one of the rare places I could escape Leo's trend—when my mother walked in after work. She proceeded to tell me that she had booked us a family night out. At first, I was fairly optimistic about this. It might have done me some good to get out and spend time with family.

          But when I asked her where we were going, she smiled and replied, "Your sister wants to see Titanic!"

          I felt a massive knot twist in my stomach. No, I couldn't see the film. It was already triggering enough for me to suffer at Leo's success, let alone witness the movie that had granted him immeasurable attention from the girls, and left me with less affection than ever. I started making up excuses that I couldn't go.

          "No, I, uh...I, uh...have homework! Yes—that's it, homework."

          My mom laughed. "Homework on a Friday night? I don't think so. Get ready. We're leaving in twenty minutes."

          Of course, I tried telling more lies to get out, but my parents weren't buying any of them.

          It was official.

          I was going to see Titanic.

          .   .   .   .   .

          The drive to the theatre was a nightmare. The whole way I had to listen to my sister babble on about her love for Leo.

          "All the girls in my grade have a crush on him," she told us.

          "Well, what about you?" my mom asked with a smile. "Do you have a crush on him?"

          My sister giggled. "Not telling."

          "Well, if she brought home a gentleman like that, I'd give them the keys to my car first night," my dad told us with a laugh. "He's a brilliant young man. Played some really interesting roles. I look forward to seeing how he handles this one."

          By the time we reached the theatre, there was a lineup filled with fanatic teenage girls, acting like they just railed a bunch of coke. I felt as if my eardrums were about to burst while they screamed in excitement. They had posters of Leo and writings on them like "marry me."

          When we got in and took our seats, the theatre was jam-packed. People of all races, ages, and gender, had come to see the boy now known as Jack Dawson.

          Eventually, the lights went down and the movie began. To give the film some credit, even though I hated it, the archive footage at the beginning was pretty well done with the haunting music in the background. But oh my, what followed was ATROCIOUS. Those chumps in the submarine looked like they were coming down off crank, and that old lady claiming to be the girl in the picture couldn't act for shit. The females weren't digging it either, as they whispered impatiently amongst themselves in the theatre.

          "Where is he?"

          "Yeah, we're here to see Leo!"

          "He better be up soon!"

          And then it happened.

          Once Leonardo made his first appearance, the entire theatre gasped. Those girls were struck like lightning. I could practically hear them getting wet in their seats. The way Leo's hair drifted off to the side with that cigarette sticking out his mouth drove me crazy. I wanted to jump into the movie and punch him in that smug face of his. He'd stolen my girls, and I could never accept that.

          "Goof," I mumbled under my breath.

          As the movie went on, I found myself wrapped in a world of jealous envy. I couldn't stand Leo. I had convinced myself before the movie even began that he wasn't a great actor, and just the sight of him made it hard to breathe.

          About an hour in, I was forced to witness one of Hollywood's most iconic, or, in my words, CRINGIEST scenes. That silly girl changed her mind after turning down Leo, then met him at the front of the ship, where he was all sad and lonely. Oh, boo-hoo, Leo got rejected by a girl. Like he couldn't find himself another one.

          "Do you trust me, Rose?" he asked with that simp voice of his, making her close her eyes.

          "Yes...I trust you, Jack".

          "Oh my God!" a girl whispered to her friend. "He's so adorable!"

          "I know! I'm gonna start crying!"

          I felt like I was going to throw up as I watched him stretch her arms out like a bird. I could literally feel the bile rising in my throat.

          "Jack...Jack! I'm flying!"

          "Awwwww!" the girls in the theatre cheered.

          When they eventually leaned in and kissed, that was it. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I jumped up from my seat and desperately maneuvered myself through the aisle, practically running out of the theatre and hurling my guts into the nearest trash bin. 

          It took me a good fifteen minutes to return to the film. If I had it my way, I would've just left, but I knew my mother would be suspicious if I didn't come back. The rest of the movie was the same concept, of me getting triggered and frustrated.

          But I was incredibly shocked and grateful by the end. I couldn't believe it...Leo died! I was ecstatic! That girl was a LEGEND for not sharing the raft with him. Kate Winslet will always be known as my favourite actress for stabbing Leo in the back like the prick he really is. Throughout the movie he literally rescues her from suicide, helps her escape her forced marriage, gives her a life she never dreamed of, and then she just lets him freeze to death! You couldn't write a better ending for me.

          The girls sobbed hysterically.

          "How could she let him drown like that!"

          "Why did this have to happen!"

          "That bitch let my baby die!"

          Once the credits rolled, I felt a sense of satisfaction. I had witnessed my archenemy die, and in brutal fashion. 

          But when we exited the theatre doors, I was struck back into reality, with all the posters and photos of Hollywood's latest heartthrob. Leo wasn't actually dead, and far from it. He was living an incredible life, one that few people can say they've ever experienced. I grimaced, knowing that he was probably receiving attention from a bunch of girls right as we spoke. God, I loathed him.

          The ride home from the movie was similar to the one there. My sister wouldn't shut up.

          "I'm so sad that he died, but I'm already looking forward to seeing it again!"

          "It might be the love story of the century," my mom added.

          Even my dad was in on it. "He really is something. The way he carried the film blew me away. Titanic deserves an academy award."

          I closed my eyes and attempted to tune them out. I was forever scarred after witnessing that movie.

          . . . . .

          Time went on, and after what seemed like centuries, Leo's fame in Titanic slowly decreased. But being from America, let alone Los Angeles, a name like that never goes away. It was only a matter of time before Leo was hooking up with big-time directors like Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese. To witness his success continue was a torturous experience. I'd still never gotten over the fact he stole my girls, and watching him get nominated for his second Oscar was a painful slap in the face.

          I watched the entire Academy Awards that year, keeping my fingers crossed and PRAYING that Leo would fall short of his goal. I listened through all the bullshit speeches just to get to the actors nominated for a leading role. There was Leo, sitting with his mommy in the audience, waiting to see who's winning name would come out of the card. 

          When it was declared that he wasn't the winner, I jumped so high in the air I thought I may never come back down again. Yes! Leo had failed.

          Better luck next time, bud, I thought to myself.

          Every time Leo was nominated for an Oscar in the future and lost, I would celebrate like my favourite team had won the Super Bowl. But just like that night I saw Titanic, the feelings only lasted so long, before I was set back into the real world. The realization of knowing that Leo was still getting all the girls and living his best life ate away at me. He had consumed my mind, to where all I could think about was his fine smile and charm with the ladies. I didn't know how much more of his antics I could take.

          . . . . .

          Years and years had passed. I was now thirty, and looking for a girl to settle down with. I had found myself a fine date, and wished to take her out to a nice restaurant. We sat at the table, laughing and talking as we sipped our drinks. The atmosphere was lively and the food was delicious. I found myself very comfortable with this girl. She had a similar sense of humour to me, and I could really see a future with her. 

          Everything was going perfect, until I noticed her gazing over my shoulder, zoning out of our conversation. I followed her eyes to the TV above the bar, and couldn't believe what I saw. It was Leo, older now, promoting a new upcoming movie he was going to be in.

          That bastard! I thought to myself. I knew I had to act quickly

          "Excuse me, bartender," I said to the man working. "Could you please change the channel? I'd like to check the score on the baseball game."

          He looked at me while grabbing the remote control. "Sure. No problem, pal."

          But just when he was about to change it, a random girl said, "Stop! I wanna see the trailer."

          We all looked back and saw her stargazed.

          "Please," she continued. "He's my favourite actor. I've seen every single one of his movies."

          "Me too!" my date abruptly chimed in. "I've been watching him since his Growing Pains days."

          "Yeah. Leo's a legend," some guy behind her agreed. "One of the best to ever do it."

          Another girl laughed. "He was my first crush. I'll never forget the day Titanic came out."

          Before I knew it, literally half the restaurant was talking about Leo, including my date. I couldn't believe this. Nearly two freakin' decades later, and Leo was STILL stealing my girls. I was beyond insulted, and would not allow for this to continue. 

          The rest of the night was a disaster. My date hardly even paid attention to me anymore, and I was yet again reminded that Leo was indeed the true alpha male. 

          But not for long. If only he knew what was coming for him.

          I ended the date early. I made an excuse that I had to go, and left the restaurant in a fume of anger. As I climbed into my car, I cursed under my breath, "Damn you, Leo!" I'd had enough of him. I had to put a stop to the one who had caused me so much frustration.

          And then it hit me. I knew how I could break every single girl's heart around the entire world. I was going to assassinate Leonardo DiCaprio. I didn't care what anybody said.

          Leo. Must. Die.