{28th august 2013}

dear jen,

swing: creak

swing: creak

swing: creak

swing: creak

me: christ, could you be any more noisy?

swing: creak

swing: creak

swing: creak

me:

me: looks like i've made a habit of talking to inanimate objects.

swing: creak

me:

swing: creak

me:

swing: creak

me: shit.

me: you know, i -

you: hey, stranger.

me:

me:

me:

me: hey.

me: i, uh, i didn't see you.

(you sat down on the swing next to mine.)

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me:

you:

me:

you:

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you: so how've you been?

me: oh, you know.

my swing: creak

me: as good as you can be, with school next week and all.

(you laughed. i don't know why. i guess maybe it was funny. i don't know.)

you: yeah, school isn't all that great. but hey, senior year, right? should be awesome.

me: i guess.

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me: better than this past year, at any rate.

my swing: creak

you:

me:

you:

me: sorry. i shouldn't have said that.

(you know how sometimes people's voices go all soft when they feel sorry for someone? yeah, your voice went all soft.)

you: you can always say what you want. you know that.

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

me: why do you even do it?

you:

you: what?

me: why'd you bother talking to me? i'm pretty sure you could have easily just...not.

your swing: creak

you: i like you.

me: you like a clinically depressed idiot with a dead best friend?

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you:

you: yes.

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me:

me: wow.

you: what?

me: you're even more stupidly selfless than i thought.

you:

your swing: creak

you: should i be thanking you for that?

me: probably. maybe not. even i don't know.

(you laughed and bumped your shoulder with mine, and the chains of our two swings clinked as they bashed against each other. i'm pretty sure i managed a smile, but i don't really know whether it was at the sound of your laugh or the warmth that was spreading through my arm where our shoulders had touched.)

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me:

you:

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you:

you: i wanted to tell you something, actually.

my swing: creak

me: okay.

you: joe and i...

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you: we're kind of...on a break.

me:

you:

me:

you:

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me:

you:

me: a break?

your swing: creak

you: yeah.

you: is that...

you:

your swing: creak

you: okay? is that okay?

me: fucking hell, you're asking me?

you:

you: right, you've got a point.

me:

me: what did...

me: who...

me: why?

(you shrugged. it was a shrug that seemed so lost and sad and it made me wonder how someone could show so much of their emotions just by moving their shoulders up and down.)

you: i don't know. i guess it didn't work out.

you: i mean, it's not like we didn't try. and we both agreed on it...

me: really?

you: yeah.

me: joe...agreed on it?

you: he kinda suggested it in the first place.

you:

you: i mean it's been a long time coming, right? even you could tell.

me: even me?

(you laughed. why do people laugh when they're sad?)

you: you're not exactly the best at reading people's emotions.

(you were right. as always.)

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you: you do notice other things, though.

me:

me: like what?

(you smiled.)

you: like my locker combination. and joe's. and everyone else's in our class.

me:

you:

me:

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me: sorry about that.

you: i think it's pretty cool.

me: yeah?

you: yeah.

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

you: so...you're okay, then?

me:

you: with this whole thing with me and joe?

me:

me: you're seriously asking me? can we just clarify who was dating who?

you:

you: i just...don't want you to feel awkward, or anything. like, we're still going to be friends.

you:

you: i think he's pretty much my best friend, actually.

(i felt slightly jealous when you said that. i don't know whether it was because i felt strangely posessive of joe or because my best friend isn't actually alive.)

me:

you:

you: what i mean is, i don't want you to feel like the two of us have to...you know. hang out. or anything.

me:

me: shut up.

you: what?

me: we're friends.

(it was so nice saying that, by the way. the word coming out of my mouth to describe you. we're friends.)

me: why wouldn't we hang out?

you: i don't know, i just...

you: i don't know.

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

me: it's a shame.

you: hm?

me: you would've had children good looking as fuck.

(you laughed, long and hard. it was different from the last one, the one that was sad. i'm kind of glad i made you laugh. i felt kind of...i don't know. proud.)

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

your swing: creak

my swing: creak

we did have a conversation after that. i think we probably looked pretty stupid, sitting on these swings in the kids' playground. we definitely looked stupid when we started having a competition to see who could swing higher.

(i still won that, by the way.)

and i know technically you were there for this conversation too so i didn't actually need to write it all down but you know i just kind of wanted to anyway. and i'm sorry that you and joe broke up and i'm sorry it didn't work out but you're my friend, we're friends, and i like that and i think for some fucked-up reason you like it too. and it doesn't make a difference if you and joe are dating or not. and i think now senior year might be awesome, like you said. i don't know. i guess we'll have to wait and see.