{7th may 2012}

dear jen,

i really want to be beautiful. 

like, gorgeous beautiful. radiant beautiful. you beautiful.

(you're beautiful, seriously. inside my head you are but outside my head you are too - wherever, it doesn't matter, you're fucking gorgeous. i confess to being slightly jealous.)

i don't really believe in external ugliness, considering i've actually never seen a genuinely ugly person in my life. like, you can see someone for the first time and think 'wow, they're beautiful' but you never see someone and have your first thought be 'shit, they're ugly', because even horrible bitchy people aren't horrible right from the off, they need some time to remember they're horrible and come up with some suitably horrible thought. so no one's first thought is an honest, sincere, 'ugly'. which is interesting – for all the shit we do, human beings are kind of programmed not to be...bad.

at any rate.

i'm pretty sure ugliness on the outside doesn't exist, but ugliness on the inside does. which is why i can't be beautiful, because i'm kind of completely ugly on the inside.

i just have all these thoughts, you know? like

thought 1: suicide

thought 2: useless

thought 3: pain

thought 4: stop

thought 5: homework

thought 6: fucking hell

thought 7: suicide

and thoughts 1 and 7 are the same but thoughts 2 and 8 are the same too and it just goes on and it's horrible and dark and ugly, and if i'm not beautiful on the inside and i'm not beautiful on the outside then i'm not beautiful at all. and that's that.