Well, a letter after a long time. Any one who plans to read the book or watch the movie, "Me before you"- spoilers ahead. :) 

Would love to hear your views on this one! 

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Jan 9

Seoul 

Ri-Jeong-Hyeok-shi

I was just recalling my Olympic run at the DMZ- ignoring those bruises and the jabs of pain, running at an express pace, hopping over barns and dashing across fields in a desperate bid to escape death, or possibly a fate worse than that. That day, I was filled with an urgency to survive.

And it set me thinking.

What is life and what is death? And why do we make such a fuss about it if someone's born or if someone departs? What difference does it make? Why is there this incessant need for survival? If we are cornered, we try to find a way to get out alive- even ones who don't value life the way it is expected.

This is what I used to think years ago, years before I met you. In all honesty, my birth had never been a moment of particular joy to anyone, barring slightly to my father, though I did become a huge nuisance to him in the later years. Thankfully, his wife helped cover the scandal and 'accepted' his child.

I grew up unloved, unwanted and there was a time in my life when I so lonely, so sad that I decided to end it all for once. It wasn't something I could endure. Stories about people surviving in the direst of circumstances, despite being in the most hopeless of situations failed to motivate me. If anything, it sounded ludicrous why anyone would choose to bear insurmountable pain time and again and still choose to live. I heard tales about children in Africa dying of hunger, of beggars in tattered clothes in impoverished countries, or being shunned by their own kin, or living a life of disgrace, relying on the mercy of others.

It was during these times that I stumbled upon this book, "Me Before You." Have you read it? I know you probably haven't seen the film, but are books also censored in North Korea? Or at least is this one censored? Anyways, it's the story of an adventure loving guy who loses the function of his limbs in an accident. Stripped of the life and the adrenaline that drove him, he wishes for death. A girl is hired as his caretaker, and his family hopes she can convince him otherwise. As expected, despite his physical disabilities, the two develop a very deep bond- they fall in love, but even love that deep is unable to change his mind. He wants to live life on his own terms, love her the way he wants to instead of being a cripple hating himself for not giving her the life she deserves. The girl begs him to live, that she would take care of everything, that what she has with him now is more than enough for this life. But the hero doesn't budge. I'd say he was a wise man who didn't let himself be swayed by emotions, an intelligent man who understood the practicalities of life. And as to why the girl would want him to live a life that's not even half of what he wants was beyond my comprehension.

I know, I know, I sound very cynical and cold-hearted. I guess I used to be so back then. Anyways, this guy chooses to end his life in Switzerland- Euthansia. And the idea struck with me. I decided to lose myself in a beautiful place- to end it all there. I spoke to the authorities and maybe the woman who was in charge saw something. She forced me to go out for sightseeing before I made the final decision.

I'm really glad I heeded her advice. And finally realized how wrong I was. I didn't want it all to end. Never. I wanted to live. And this change was all because of the man who nearly caused me to jump when I was about to jump off that tall bridge- You.

You breathed life into me Jeong-hyeok-shi. And this was even before I fell in love with you. Is this what soulmates do? Why did your music charm me and instill in me a strong will to live? And when that was the song you'd played for your brother, wishing he was alive to hear it? Perhaps your grief permeated the air and reverberated through my being. It was as if the Gods above heard your pain, and they wanted me to live to save you from more pain- pain that you didn't even know you had to endure?

I never got an opportunity to talk about your brother much. I don't think I can understand how it feels when you lose someone forever. At least with us, there is some hope, even if it is a tiny-weeny-nearly impossible one, there is still hope for the future to pan out differently. There is a chance that we might meet each other once again in a different place, at a different time. But it isn't so with death. When the person you ardently love, when you crave to listen to their voice, crave to hold them in your arms is no longer within your reach- in a different realm nobody even knows exists- that must be devastating. My heart reaches out to you Jeong-hyeok-shi. And I'm really sorry for what I'd been about to do back then in Switzerland, because the last thing I can bear is you in pain. I'm sorry and extremely grateful to the Universe for keeping me alive. Well, you take more credit for that than the Universe. For it was the moment I landed in your sight that this cynical, life-hating woman wanted to survive.

I won't say I understand life any better than I did the day I decided to kill myself. But I do know that had things ended that time, I wouldn't have had experienced this beautiful twist of fate that brought me to you. Maybe it's this element of surprise- not knowing what tomorrow holds for you that makes life worth living! So I wish one of my tomorrows, I would have you by my side again.

Till then, sleep tight Ri-Jeong-hyeok-shi. Who knows? It could actually be tomorrow! And then of course you won't be getting any sleep.

Yours till eternity and beyond,

Se-ri