A/N: HEY GUYS. So, as mentioned on the summary- this book is a spin-off of Trust fall with the story of Sia. To be honest, I'm highly positive that this story is gonna be much better (Amen) because its a bit more emotional and I won't lie, its gonna be a bit dark as well. Anyways, the most important thing is whether you like it or not. Let's just hope for the best for now.

Happy reading!

______________________________________

Chapter track

Cold- Aqualung, Lucy Schwartz

______________________________________

Sia

I wish it would stop raining.

Coincidence as it might be. But it has always amazed me when the weather turns up to replicate my feelings. And today the weather is- cold, dark and gloomy.

They say time is the best healer- but in my case, it seems to work the exact opposite. Nobody seems to understand what I've been going through, nobody, not even myself. Maybe it's just a momentarily occurring trauma caused by seeing the cold lifeless body, I try to assure my restless heart. Oh how I wish if I could erase that out of my memories!

It has been a month since Rohan has gone but he hasn't faded out a bit off my mind. His memories seem to be haunting me everywhere I go. It's not that I'd known him all my life, he was actually the person I knew the least about but how can I ignore the very strong feelings that he'd ignited inside me? Was I falling in love?  Was he too? He did kiss me afterall . However, I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I was just attracted to him because he was too nice to me. Or were we simply confused?

The way I miss him. I miss him so much that my heart aches all the time  After all, he listened to me like no one ever did, he understood her like no one else did and he made me feel so beautiful.

But I really hope it wasn't love, what is the point anyway?

However, she's unable to subdue the fact that even the very short span of time with him was everything I'd never felt before. How am I supposed to get over that feeling? How am I supposed to move on with the loss?

Its the same story every night. Closing my eyes has been the hardest thing to do since the night he laid cold on the floor, flooded with his own pool of blood flowing down his slit wrist. And every night the same pattern of nightmares haunt me, the glimpses I desperately wanted to forget.

Why did he do that? Why didn't he ask for help? Why did he have to leave so soon?- The unanswered questions are still distressing me more as the time passes by.

Today is no different. I'm still unable to keep her mind at ease. I try to distract myself with music but it feels nothing more than a noise. I'd thought about studying but it only managed to remain within my thoughts for barely a minute. Movies, TV, social media, nothing is able to attract my attention and the more I tried, the more I e failed.

So, in desperation of a distraction, she decides to clean. She changes the bed sheet into a flowery one to bring out a cheerful atmosphere. With the permission of her grandmother, she even manages to cut a few roses from the garden and put them in the water filled crystal vase, carefully placing on the bedside table. It is usually Bianca who'd use these drawers on the table, so Sia hoped that these flowers might cheer her up as well. After all, the recent incident has been difficult on her too.

There are three drawers in the table and when she pulls out the first one, she's surprised to see it as good as a dustbin. She smiles, knowing that Bianca can also at times be as disorganized as any normal teenager. She begins to clean it up, throwing away the unwanted pieces of tissue paper and empty boxes of tictacs and organizing the rest of the contents neatly. One after the other she finally reaches at the bottom drawer which seems to be a bit different than the previous two, for there are stacks of books which she takes out to organize in a better manner. However, when she randomly turns the hard cover of a diary, she gets hit by a wave of shock and disbelief as she spells out the name scribbled on the top of the first page-

Rohan Chettri.

Why is this here?

Curiosity no longer allows her to respect somebody's privacy. As her heart races, she knows she is doing something she shouldn't but Alas! had it been so easy to control oneself then the world would've been an entirely different place.

As if the fact that she's got the hold of a dead person's journal isn't overwhelming enough-- she staggers as she learns about the secret that had been lying within the words scrawled over the pages.

.

.

She takes her head away from the diary and pulls herself out of the chair at the arrival of Bianca.

Her sunken eyes are now widened as she sees the open diary on the table.

"Since when has this been with you?" Sia asks, but Bianca doesn't answer. "Was it before he left?"

The tears rolling down her eyes is the only movement in Bianca's direction and that guilty silence answers all the questions. Sia never hated somebody so much before.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" She mutters, trying her hardest to control the anger rising inside her.

"What help could've it done if you would've known?" The audacity she has to question that fuels her up even more.

"I could have helped." She argues. "He was grieving, Bia and he was all alone. I would have talked to him, let him know that I was there for him."

"You think I didn't do that?"

"But he was in love with me!" She yells. "And it would have been better if I'd known sooner. He might've been alive and had known that he wasn't alone. Thanks to you, now I have to live with this remorse hanging over my head forever."

"Remorse?" Bianca exclaims. "What are you even saying, Sia? There was nothing you or I could've done. You don't need to feel guilty for the crime you didn't commit."

"I don't care!" She throws the vase on the floor making her cousin flinch. "I don't know what and I don't know why. You shou..... You should have said something. Or at least given this diary to me when he was alive. Didn't he want me to have it?"

"Why didn't you give this to me earlier?"

"You were having nightmares, Sia. You were already suffering so much and I thought it was better for you to move on rather than let it trigger you more."

"But are you ever going to tell me when he gave this to you?"

"A day prior to the incident." She whispers after a long stretch of silence.

"What?" I'm shattered with disbelief. "Which.. which means there was enough time for me to know all these and.. and Rohan could could have lived?"

"You weren't home and he told me to give it to you...I had no idea." She hiccups as she weeps. "I'm so sorry Sia. I fell asleep before you returned and Neil had been..

" Oh, Yes! How can I forget about Neil?" Sia laughs dryly. "Apparently, Neil is all you care about don't you? Or perhaps Penzo? Or just yourself?"

"Sia," She whispers in disbelief.

"You know what? Behind that goody goody personality of yours lies a very selfish heart. Your feelings, your boyfriend, your happiness, your pain all you ever care about is yourself. You crave attention , Bia. Just admit it already. And only if you'd put that selfishness of yours beside for a minute, there would've been a boy who wouldn't have faced death so early."

"Sia, none of our actions would have saved him and you know that very well."

"How can you be so sure?" I shouted. "You're not God Bianca."

"But He's gone. We can't do anything about it now. Why are you being like this, Sia?"

"Because I'm not like you. I don't like being passed around. Like you do, with Neil and Penzo."

"What?"

"You would've known why I'm being like this if you'd stop being selfish. But I can't blame you. Might've been hard dealing with the boys in your life." She covers her mouth as she sobs before leaving Sia alone with the diary.

Within the deep corner inside her heart, she knows its unfair to put a blame on Bianca, but what else can she do? She's too consumed with grief and anger.

She lays on her bed, her face towards the wall. Her mind is in chaos, having no strength to cry, no reason to smile and certainly no intention to forget it all.

She notices Bianca pack her stuff but Sia doesn't say a word. Her parents try to talk to her, her grandparents too, but she doesn't want to listen or talk, she's way too tried of convincing that she's not crazy. Uncle Sharad arrives the next day, he tries to talk as well, but I politely avoid him after a short greeting.

I see Bianca leave with him but I still don't utter a word.

It is as though I'm completely alone now.

But it's not.

I still have his essence.