By Liam

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Hi! My name is Liam. I am a gay transgender guy. It took me along time to come to terms with and accept myself.

I'm currently 13 years old. So here's how it started

When I was a little kid, I never was really like the other girls. I hated wearing dresses, playing with Barbies, or doing stereotypical girl things. Throughout elementary school, most of my friends were guys. I played sports and wore boy clothing, even cut my hair short in fifth grade. This continued, until sixth grade. That was when I realized I couldn't act like that, and i started trying to be more girly, but I never could really do that.

The next year, seventh was very different from sixth. For once, I actually had good friends. Because they had all been friends for a long time I felt left out all the time, but now, being friends with all of them to this day I don't feel like that. But anyway. Me and my one friend (six of us in total, all my friends are girls) thought we were straight. Let's call that girl B. B and I found out our other friend, M, liked someone and started dating them. However, our other friend, N, also liked them. At the end of that day, the person had broken up with M and started dating N. Later that month, I found out that person was actually the other person in our friend group, who I'll call X. So X was dating N, but M still liked X. So, she started talking to me about it, and I tried to help her. Later in the year, M started dating the other girl in our friend group, L. L is best friends with B, but since B is straight M and L didn't tell B about their relationship. At this time I was started to question my sexuality. I had a crush on B. Even though I had crushes on boys before, I dismissed them and called myself homoromamtic because I didn't have sexual feelings for girls. At one sleepover, I let something slip about it and that I had a secret about B. Obviously, B guessed what it was and forced me to tell her. I had had a crush on her for three months, so I told her. She said, I'll think about it. So for almost a week, I was really happy and not depressed as I had been for awhile prior, because I thought I had a chance. Well, I was wrong. She told me that she was straight and couldn't like me, and said I didn't actually like her, I was confused, i was too gay, and a bunch of other stuff. It hurt. I got really depressed and almost committed suicide.

I continued liking B until about June, when I got over her. After that, I could never imagine myself with a girl. I decided I was pansexual even so, but my being 'lesbian' was a phase. I know for a lot of people it's not, but for me it was.

Also, during seventh grade I began questioning my gender. I never felt comfortable with boobs, in fact I hated them. I hated what I looked like in the mirror. I hated my long hair, and I felt as if I should have something other than a vagina. But I didn't want to identify as a guy. I said I was aliagender for a few months, even telling M and X about it. But this September I realized I couldn't identify as 'they'. I didn't like girls, or non binary people. I could only imagine having a boyfriend... and my boyfriend calling me 'he'. I got ace bandages and began to bind my chest. If I wasn't binding, I'd wear two bras even while sleeping. Whenever people said 'she' referring to me, I felt like crap. I realized then I couldn't keep denying that I was transgender. I didn't want to admit it but it made sense. It made me feel right. Identifying as a boy just felt right to me.

I made a fourth instagram account where I said I was transguy, and my friends don't know about it. I joined another account as an admin as well. However, I only knew about this account because it's account where X is an admin as well. I'm lying to all my friends now, and I feel like crap especially because X doesn't know about any of this. So currently L and M are still dating and happy, N and X are dating Still too but N wants to break up. I'm gay and a transguy but nobody knows. I want a binder because I currently bind with ace bandages and I know I shouldn't. I like only boys now but I have to pretend I like girls and be okay with all the "she's" and "her" and "young lady" etc. and I hate it. On top of that, in seventh grade I started dieting to 500 cal per day to make my boobs smaller, but now I think I have anorexia. And it's only getting worse.

But I'm not depressed. I know who I am, finally, and that, at least, makes me happy.