By Z

~

I first heard of being 'so-called gay' on another story-sharing website. It had lots of different people including different sexualities, and me being who I am, I didn't care what they did with their lives as long as it didn't involve me. I tried to stay away from such people due to the way I've been raised and the community I was raised in (Being apart of the LGBTQ+ is illegal here + extremely religious family). However over the course of time, I grew very curious about their reason for choosing such a hard life and that's how I met a guy who called himself "Blade" on that website, so we'll just call him that.

We instantly clicked, I met Blade in real life, and we grew close over the course of the years. Later on, something happened which I didn't expect. Blade confessed. He said that he thought I may like him back as well. Acting upon what was drilled in my head all my life, I denied it all. Every. Single. Part of it. Completely breaking Blade apart. We stopped talking due to his abusive father completely cutting off any way of communication between us. I lost Blade. Losing him was like a smack in the face that woke me up. I realised I'm completely in love with Blade. It felt very bittersweet realising it now, when it's too late.

That, however, also erased any doubt in my mind that, I am, infact, involved in the community that I tried to look away from so many times. Which in turn, made me very desperate for approval, because I felt the need to be justified before completely accepting myself, therefore, I touched upon the topic in the most brief, innocent way possible infront of my mum and my brother. I found out my brother beats up one of the "fags" as he calls them and my mum looked utterly disgusted with the LGBTQ+ community.

It broke my heart.

Was I wrong? I asked myself.

I still ask that question to myself every day. Tell me Blade. Were we always wrong?

I feel like I'm chained up in this family. In this country. In this life. I want to get away once I'm older. I absolutely can't stay here.

It's been a year now since I've lost Blade. I'm still looking for him to this very day. It feels very useless but I'm not going to be giving it up yet. Blade, if you somehow, due to some miracle, stumble upon this. I'm sorry, I promise I'll try my hardest to get to you and then get you out of your abusive house if and once I find you. I'm so, so sorry. Stay strong, lovely.

I love you.

Yours truly,

Z.