By DatOneGreenChild

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Hello again friends. I'm back with a... not so cool story.

So, if you have read my past 3 entries, I am... gay. I like girls and used to like guys but now I'm not so sure. See, I have had pretty bad experiences with guys. I don't want to talk about them, but yeah they were bad. But I never really lost my attraction for them before. I was just last year that I discovered what I was, or more over had an idea of it. Last year, I came out as bisexual. That had gone pretty well. A little while after, I lost my attraction to guys and thus I identified myself as lesbian. Now... idk what I am. So much has happened...

To start off, a guy at our school said "I rather kill myself than be gay". And the same guy, with another one of his friends, said something when I had heard that one of my peers had kissed his boyfriend at a party. They both looked at me with a very disgusted look, then said, "That's nasty" or something like that. That's when of my friends said "But she's gay too" and they said "Well that's different"

That made me so upset. I hate the double standards so so much. They don't deserve to say anything about who loves what. And this was the start of my questioning.

Next, while in guitar class, the SAME GUY ( let's name him Georgi) and another guy (he'll be Bobby) were making homophobic comments. First off, Georgi tried to back up his homophobia by saying "The only reason I dislike gays is because of (a teacher we have who has openly admitted he is gay and doesn't have the brightest of attitude) and when I said "He's not the only gay man out there. There are really nice ones too" he shook his head vigorously, like he wasn't trying to accept that. Then they said "There's no such thing as a bisexual man. If you like a man, you're gay." And me and my friend Veronica (fake name) said "There is such thing as a bisexual man.." she said "They like both boys and girls." While I said "They can like more than one gender." But no, they denied it, with Georgi saying, "If you straight, we cool. If you bi, you gotta take the men off there, and if you're gay, I just can't be cool with you.

That was it for me. I lost my energy and enthusiasm for the day.

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Now, this next part is what currently has me thinking whether I should force myself to be straight, or just love no one (its shit mentality but idk what else to do)

Now, in a past story, I mentioned a girl I had really fell for. At the time she was bi, so I thought I had a chance. However, she rejected me the two times I (indirectly) asked her to go out with me. I stopped liking her awhile ago, but I wasn't ready to give up, so I asked her to be my valentine (this recent Valentine's Day) and she accepted. The day before Valentine's Day, I had gone to the store and gotten her a rose and skittles (her favorite candy), and I also drew a collage of her facial expressions, and written a note that fully expressed my love towards her (friendly). She was happy when I had given her the gifts. But that day... everything went to heck. When she got home, her parents had read the note, and her mom said it sounded like I liked her. I don't like her tho, so I didn't pay much mind. However, she then said that her mom said she (the girl) can't hang around me anymore. I was confused, but the reason why is what I had mentioned before, it sounding like I liked her. Not only that, she told the girl (Kaylee, let's name her that) " We only like boys, not girls, ok?" And thus a new problem arises. I tried to get Kaylee to tell her mom that I didn't like her and lie to her saying I'm straight, but she said it was too late. My fear had come to pass, because I had always fear that Kaylee would leave me (friendship wise).. but I didn't lose hope. I thought that even if she says she can't hang out with me anymore, we could still talk at school, so I calmed down. However, Kaylee revealed more to me. One of my other friends had asked "But don't you like boys and girls?" Shortly after her Kaylee's mother's comment, and Kaylee responded "Nope not anymore." I... lost everything in me. I wanted to isolate myself, but before I could, I texted my bestfriend. I told him I was gonna be off my iPad for a while (my main source of communication). And he asked why. I told him the reason (the Kaylee situation) and said "I might as well become aro ace." And I had actually been contemplating it for a while, before making that comment. Then, my friend made many rude comments, saying I turned bi because a boy rejected me, and he thinks I actually forced myself to turn bi, and I turned lesbian because of another boy. I was offended, because those are not his conclusions to make. Not to mention he was wrong about all 3 points, as 1. I turned bi because I actually did like a girl, and the boy he mentioned never rejected me

2. Why would I force myself to be something I'm not? It's funny how that's a situation I'm contemplating as of now.

3. I declared myself as a lesbian because I lost my attraction to men, but still had my attraction to females. That's all there is to it.

But that hurt me. I'm mentally breaking down as we speak. And to top it all off, today I learned that Kaylee's mom had blocked me on Kaylee's account, had ripped up the note and drawing I had spent a whole night to finish, and took the Rose I gave Kaylee to her little sister.

Her mom as of now doesn't like me, and that makes my life a lot more complicated because I had graduation in a few months, and if Kaylee attends, her parents are more than likely to attend, as well as my parents, and I feel like she's going to cause a scene. And it keeps replaying in my head, the same scene, what her mom could do when she hears them call my name. I'm scared... and Kaylee's ignoring me. I feel like I have no one to help me... and to hated just for being myself... I don't know what to do. If I can't be me, then who can I be. If I need to live a lie... I'm prepared. But as of now, I'm am just questioning.

Anyways, thank you for reading... hopefully I can come with good news soon.