What will I do without him?

Soobin doesn't see Beomgyu until a week after he was released from the hospital. He spends those days alone, processing the fact that someday, there will be no more Beomgyu. Even considering the fact that he was here to get treatment, to hopefully take part in this successful trial, grim thoughts clouded Soobin's mind. Even though he had only known Beomgyu for months, the idea hurts him immensely. He also spent time cursing himself for being so upset. Of course Beomgyu was going to die someday; so was Soobin. They both would die someday. Soobin wondered why he was so upset.

To Soobin's surprise, when he visits Beomgyu for the first time after he was in the hospital, he isn't in bed. Instead, Soobin finds him in the room next to his bedroom. The walls are a calming gray color, and the sun shining through the window adds more color and light to the room. The space is pretty empty, minus a few more machines that Soobin assumes are for Beomgyu's treatments, the oxygen tank that sends air to Beomgyu's nostrils, and right against the wall, a half-grand piano. Upright, black, and polished. And before it sits Beomgyu, his eyes scanning the keys, but not playing them. Soobin closes the door behind him, which grabs Beomgyu's attention. He barely smiles as he glances up at Soobin.

"Hey," Soobin greets. He walks closer to Beomgyu. He makes space on the piano bench, and Beomgyu takes a seat next to him.

"I'm sorry," Beomgyu says, voice dry and quiet.

"For what?"

Beomgyu slithers his hand slowly towards Soobin's and grips onto his fingers. "You know why."

At first, Soobin doesn't know what to say. There isn't really much to say.

"It's okay," he rubs Beomgyu's shoulder, then reaches his hand across the span of his back, pulling him close. "It's okay."

They sit in silence for a moment, just looking at one another, waiting for the other to speak. Beomgyu looks down at the piano keys, then back to Soobin.

"I wrote you a song," Beomgyu says out of the blue. Soobin's heart begins to race at the prospect of Beomgyu sitting down by himself, that notebook in hand, thinking about Soobin and what words to conjure up to describe how he feels for the elder, imagining singing it to him.

"Why?" Soobin asks, his voice breaking up as he speaks.

"Because I'm in love with you."

Soobin smiles as blood rushes to his cheeks, and he hangs his head, hiding his face in his hands. Beomgyu doesn't touch him, but when Soobin looks back up again, Beomgyu's still watching with the soft smile he always has. Soobin covers his lips as he can't control the grin on his face. He puts his hands on the keys, just about to press down, until Soobin puts his hand on Beomgyu's, halting him from proceeding to play.

"Wait," Soobin interrupts. "I'm not ready."

"What do you mean?" Beomgyu laughs.

Soobin lets out a deep breath. "What's the song about?"

Beomgyu chuckles. "You, silly."

"No, I mean, what about me, I—"

"Just listen."

Beomgyu puts his hands back on the keys, concentrating on the correct placement, then he presses down and the room fills with the sweet sound of an A major chord. Soobin waits for Beomgyu to sing, and it feels like forever until he finally starts. The sound of his voice sends chills down Soobin's arms and spine.

As he sings, Soobin feels a warmth rush through his veins, and the goosebumps on his arms and thighs begin to rise. Beomgyu sings, and Soobin tries damn hard not to cry, because his voice is oh-so comforting; it is the warmth of the sun on a spring morning, it is the smell of clean linen, it is the hug from your mother after a long day of school; it's everything good in the world, wrapped up in the soundwaves of this single person's vocal cords.

Beomgyu repeats the melody several times before playing the last few chords, and the piano becomes quieter and quieter, until Beomgyu's fingers lift from the piano keys.

More tears fall down Soobin's cheeks as he looks at Beomgyu. Soobin reaches for his hand, slowly gripping onto it. He feels Beomgyu's skin beneath his fingers, and he lets out a sigh of relief, because he's here. Soobin sees him and can feel him, and he's alive.

Beomgyu finally looks at Soobin, and there are tears in his eyes too. He looks down at Soobin's lips, then back into his eyes. Soobin feels his heart start to crack, for he can just tell by the look in Beomgyu's eyes that he's broken and tired.

"Thank you," Soobin says finally. Beomgyu grabs his hand and holds it tight, and Soobin's heart fully breaks at that moment. He stands up from the piano bench, turning away from Beomgyu, letting the tears fall fast and hard. Soobin thought he cried all that he could in those several days where Beomgyu was still in the hospital, but he was wrong. HE was so wrong; his eyes can't seem to stop watering.

Soobin hears Beomgyu get up behind him. He quickly stands in front of Soobin, putting his hands on his cheeks, wiping the tears that just don't seem to stop coming. Beomgyu takes Soobin in his arms as he cries. He lets out all the emotions he's felt since the day he met Beomgyu, all the confusion he has felt since Beomgyu told him he was dying. All the sadness he's felt since he realized how much he loves Beomgyu, the pain of thinking this could be the last time Beomgyu holds him, or this could be the last time Soobin smells his scent.

"I'll be okay," Beomgyu whispers. That only causes another sob to escape. Soobin suddenly can't breathe, for his cries have become too much, and his face is buried in the curve of Beomgyu's neck and shoulder. He holds him tighter, feeling his torso on each centimeter of his arms.

"This trial," Soobin finally says, lifting his head from Beomgyu's shoulder. "It's gonna keep you here, right? You won't—you're not gonna be dying anymore, right?"

Beomgyu wipes Soobin's tears and tucks back some strands of his hair. "I hope so. I really hope."

"What's hope? It's gonna work, right? I mean, it's science, it's supposed to help, it'll—"

"It'll work. It's not as simple as taking a pill every day, but it will work."

Beomgyu smiles, and he pokes the dimple in Soobin's cheek, and he smiles, too. His eyes travel to Soobin's gaze, to his nose, then his lips, then his neck, until he burrows his face in the crook between Soobin's shoulder and neck. Soobin wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him closer.

Beomgyu continues his path to the back of Soobin's neck, and before Soobin knows it, he's pulling his face closer to Beomgyu's—slowly but surely. Soobin breathes in sharply, trying to comprehend Beomgyu's actions.

"Soobin," he says as their foreheads touch. "I want to kiss you. Just this once." He looks down at Soobin's full lips. The elder tries to answer, but when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Soobin's heart has sunk so deep within his chest, and his throat hurts so bad from crying that he simply can't speak. Instead, he nods.

Beomgyu brings his hands down the length of Soobin's arms, then around his waist. He looks up at Soobin again, their lips now just barely touching. Soobin places his hand on Beomgyu's soft cheek as he pulls him closer. And then, without hesitation, Beomgyu kisses Soobin. Soobin lets him do it the way he wants to, which is smooth, soft, subtle, but effective. Soobin holds onto the kiss as he tries to pull away. But eventually, their lips are disconnected, and Beomgyu whispers, "just once."

Contrary to what Soobin expected for his first kiss, his heart slows down to a steady pace, and he feels relaxed. Less worried about what Beomgyu just revealed to Soobin; given he can feel Beomgyu's lips on his own, and Soobin can feel his hair and skin beneath his fingertips. Soobin feels him, he's alive, and he's there with Soobin.

Soobin wants nothing more in the world but to kiss Beomgyu more. Just one more time. One more chance to feel his lips on Soobin's, one more chance to hold his delicate face in his hands, one more chance to just feel him. But Beomgyu glances down to the area of Soobin's chest, and rests his forehead on Soobin's shoulder. Soobin pulls him closer, his head buried in between Soobin's neck and shoulder, and his arms wrap tighter around Soobin's torso.

Beomgyu finally looks up at Soobin again, a shooting pain running through his chest.

Beomgyu places his hand on Soobin's cheek.

"I'm sorry."

Soobin wonders, what will I do without him?