I haven't written anything in ages. Even if I am, I am not updating or posting anything new. If you want to know the reason behind, this is for you.

But it's kind of depressing so if you don't want to read that's fine as well.

For the last 3 years a lot has happened in my life.

It was by the end of 2019. I was trying to deal with my insecurities. The negative thoughts were hurting my self esteem. Due to that I could barely keep myself focused on other things. Yes, it was that bad.

There were family problems as well. I wasn't involved in the situation but it was still affecting my mental health.
I was always moody and irritated. I didn't like being at home. To escape I'd go to school almost every day. So when there were off days I felt like I was slowly dying inside.

Due to that I was having difficulties dealing with my emotions.

My health wasn't keeping up with me as well. I was always sick. I'd get sick at least once each month. Which meant 12 times a year. And the cold would last for half the month until I get sick all over again.

It didn't help that I felt like my in real life friends were starting to drift apart from me.

I was always scared of being lonely. So when I started to feel that they weren't paying attention to me at all I started overthinking everything.

What if they slowly start to stop talking to me?

Are they ignoring me? Why?

I was the one who formed this group. Then why am I the one being left behind?

So many thoughts would run through my head. It was starting to overwhelm me.

Only if I realized how toxic they were. I was too desperate to notice then.

It was the start of my teenage years so my emotions were all over the place. I was not emotionally strong and had frequent breakdowns.

Then 2020 came. I started listening to music and writing stories as an escape. It was also the time when I got introduced to K-pop.
I wasn't addicted to music before. But thanks to all the problems I was dealing with I started listening to music 24/7. Literally. Because it helped me stay distracted from my thoughts.

Yes, instead of confronting them I ignored my feelings.

Like that 2021 arrived. It was the time I noticed how overprotective of me mom was. I don't mind it. I really don't. But it can get overwhelming at times.

I am an extrovert. I like meeting new people and talking to them. But my outgoing personality would bother her. Because she thought it can become a reason for a future dessaster.

My sister on the other hand is an introvert. She doesn't talk much or likes getting along with people. She just greets them and disappears into a corner.

When we were young we used to be alike. We both were introverts and very calm. But as I grew up my personality changed. Which isn't a bad thing of course.

None of the sides are bad. But mom preferes it more if I were an introvert.

She'd compare me to my sister all the time. It made me feel worse about myself. I started comparing myself to my sister as well. It used to irritate me so much I even went as far as to become more like her.

Then my boards started approaching. It was now 2022.

Thanks to all the things I was going through I lost interest in studies completely. All the more reason for my mom to compare me to my sister.

It irked me when she told me to do something. Even if it was something as normal as studying I'd get determined to not do that even more. That's how stubborn I became. Because I was getting tired of being compared to. So I wanted to make if clear that I didn't care that I wasn't like my sister.

But then I started realizing how this was starting to ruin my life. I used to be a good student. But now I was nothing better than a back bencher.

Another reason for losing interest in studies was the bad influence of my friends. They didn't like studying and it became a habit of mine as well.

So around that time my mom got me a new tutor. He mostly focused on Math since I was the worst at it.

But the problem was that he used to like me. I rejected him a ton of times but he won't even care. And you must be wondering that if he had feelings for me he'd be really good to me right? But instead he would just discourage me.

I was already at a vulnerable state so it was easy for him to manipulate me into thinking that I was helpless without his help.

He'd always talk big about how none of his students ever failed, that it a piece of cake for him to help me pass.

And because I was so desperate for good grades I let myself get harassed by him for almost a year. Yes, that's how stupid I was. I was just so mentally broken and desperate I couldn't let myself do anything that'd further ruin my life.

Spoiler alert:

It did.

So what my mom was doing all this time? At first I told her a lot of times that I wanted a new tutor (He still hasn't proposed then). But she refused as it hasn't been a long time since he joined.

And like this a lot of months passed (already proposed in the middle). Mom wanted to hire a new tutor but this time I refused. Because there were only 3 months left until boards. So I figured getting a new tutor might break the flow of what I've learned so far.

But honestly speaking, he was stuck in his old days. His tips and tricks were pretty old and most of them weren't useful in this day and age.

I don't know how old he is but I can tell you that he was older than my dad. And my dad is 52.

These days you won't get questions straight from books. You have to do extra studies. So I told him I've learned enough from book. I want to learn something new. And he kept saying he'll do something about it (He never did).

2023 came and my boards arrived.

I took a break from writing a month before since I wanted to prepare myself.

One day before the Maths exam I was waiting for my tutor. He said he had suggestions for me. Since I was already anxious I thought that might help me calm down.

I kept waiting for him but he won't come. So I called him and he said he couldn't come. I was already anxious so I told him that I needed his help and but he just won't listen.

I was so frustrated that I finally let out all the pent up anger I had in me and yelled at my teacher. He hung up in the middle and we couldn't reach out to him anymore.

And I gave the rest of the boards without his help.

When it was the day for Maths exam and when I looked at the paper I knew that I was screwed. After the exam when I got home I cried. Because I knew that there's no point continuing. I was going to fail anyway.

After my boards I was already discouraged but my mom helped me through those times. She encouraged me and let me know that I should keep going till the results were out.

"What if you pass by a few marks?" She'd often say.

The results finally arrived. I failed.

After that I didn't feel like repeating another year. I was so negative I kept telling myself even if I tried I was going to fail.

After my boards I couldn't bring myself to write again. I used to write because it helped me calm down. But now it was starting to irritate me. Moreover, I wasn't really in the state to write anything at all.

When I tried I ended up writing a very depressing chapter that wasn't even part of the book.

And while this was going my friendship was ruined with one friend, that was so dear to me. All thanks to my mom.

It was now the beginning of September and we were planning to move out. We lived at the place for almost 8 years. But I wasn't very sad about it because I hated that place.

I had so many bad memories that I was happy to leave them behind and have a new start.

Around that time I updated once but again went on hiatus since we were busy packing our things.

Before moving out I slowly started preparing myself for the retake exam.

Around that time I finally confronted all my feelings instead of ignoring them.
I started to work on my insecurities and did things that helped me feel better about myself.

I planned on restarting my writing journey after I was done with my exam.

I also paid one last visit to the friend with whom my friendship was ruined. And though we never got in touch again I still miss her.

And I must admit, after we moved out the change of environment really helped a lot.

I got a new tutor as well. This time around I was afraid of getting another male teacher because of what happened last time.

I was so traumatized I'd often get flashbacks of all the things he said to me.

Anyway, the new tutor wasn't bad. Actually I am super grateful to him. If it wasn't for him I won't get back my courage.

This time I studied like I've never done before. I was more serious and determined.

Especially during the last one month my books were always at the table and on my bed. I didn't take any breaks (Except for when I read Namaz, eat or went to the washroom).

Even the night before my exam, I stayed up until 4. Then mom forced me to sleep because she was worried this might affect my performance during the exam. So I took an hour to nap. Then I woke up to pray and right after started studying. Even while brushing I was writing and memorizing things.
I didn't even wanted to eat before leaving but mom was getting worried so she again forced me to eat. But even then I was studying while eating.

Finally I was at the exam hall looking at the question paper. My heart was beating non stop.

When I was out of the hall mom called to ask me how was my exam.

"Can you guess?" I asked.

I guess she didn't understand properly because she started crying feeling worried.

"Did it not go well?" She asked worriedly.

"It was great. Far more better than I expected." I said and smiled.

And I could hear mom crying on the other side. I didn't expected that at all. And my eyes got teary as well.

That day is still fresh in my mind.

2024 arrived. Finally it was the day of my result.

And my friend, the only true friend I got, called me. She wanted to know if the results were out. She was worried for me and kept motivating me all through this. She prayed and kept telling me to not worry much.

I was staring at my computer waiting for my results to arrive. But it won't show up. I was scared to death. Because all my other classmates got their results. But it showed mine hasn't been released yet. So I started overthinking again.

What if my paper got lost?

My results were out an hour later. I passed. I was so shocked that I couldn't even speak.

Seeing my reaction mom started getting worried thinking I failed again.

"What happened? Did you see your results? How did you do?" She kept asking me before I finally spoke.

"I passed..."

Her eyes widened in surprise.

"You did?!"

"Yes...I passed. I passed!" I looked at her getting happy and started to cry.

She hugged me to comfort me.

That was honestly the best day of my life.

An interesting thing is that, when I failed I didn't shed a single tear even though I used to become an emotional wreck even by the slightest thing.

That was the day when I learned to hold back my tears. I suppose I was so shocked I couldn't even cry.

But after an year when the results of my hardwork came I couldn't hold back and I finally cried. It still feels so strange.

It's going to sound insane I know but I don't regret failing. Because it made me realize just how important studying is. I was going in the wrong direction and it helped me get on track.

After results I had plenty of free time. I thought I could use this time to write but then I slowly started to have changes in my life.
I turned 18 and I thought it wasn't going to change much but my thoughts started getting a bit tangled. I don't even know what's happening anymore.
In short I am going through some inner conflict.

After my results I slowly dropped my hobbies. I didn't feel like writing anymore because there was nothing that I am trying to escape. I stopped playing guitar. In fact I low key started to hate it.

During all this time I was out of touch with my internet life. I had social media but I wasn't active.
But since I had nothing to do I slowly started to get in touch with it. During Ramadan I got in touch with my cousin.
We used to be like best friends as kids but as we became teenagers we became awkward around each other.
But thanks to Ramadan I got in touch with her.

Around that time I got in touch with another friend whom I knew from when I was 16 (my introvert era).
And again it was nice talking to him. He helped me through this a lot even though I am sure he didn't even know how he helped.

Because I was starting to overthink again. Since I dropped all my hobbies (writing, YouTube, playing guitar and drawing) I felt useless. I felt like I was wasting my time even though the rest was well deserved.
So while talking to him and my cousin I could escape those thoughts. And I am thankful to them for that.

I am still in touch with my cousin but I don't talk to that friend anymore. Heh.

Little by little I made a lot of new friends online.

But now as time passed I again started getting out of touch with my online friends. And now again I am not online anymore. I barely go there to greet them and then leave again.

And though I feel bad about it it's better than to be addicted to social media.

So what does this all have to do with me not writing anymore?

It's just I used to write because I wanted to escape the bad things I had in life. But then I started losing interest because I was getting too serious about it.

And I still want to write again but I can't bring myself to do so.

I just want to focus on my life for now I guess.

I still haven't figured out what's going through my mind. I still want to know whats this inner conflict that I am feeling.

But one thing for sure, I am going to start writing again.

Not because it's a responsibility but because it makes me happy.

I am slowly getting back my interest so I might as well just use it for my advantage.

If you actually read this far I want you to know that I love you.