Batstar couldn't stay still. When laying in his den, it felt like the walls were enclosing on him, crushing his flanks, crushing him alive, ripping the breath out of his throat. His paws wouldn't stop shaking. He couldn't stop thinking about dying, dying, dying. Batstar wasn't sure why it had affected him so much. He'd already been killed by a rogue — so why was drowning so bothersome?

He wasn't sure, but he did know that being trapped inside of DriftClan's camp wasn't helping. He felt so utterly, utterly alone, and the loneliness and grief was tearing his heart open. Batstar could hardly function. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his lost friends. Losttail, Raintail, Vixenpaw, Fallenfire, Sunshower... He felt so distant from everyone he'd once known. No one even conversed with him anymore. Sunshower had made DriftClan so lovely and fun — and now? Now, Batstar only felt a darkness eating away at his insides.

The tom gasped softly, stumbling out of his den and making his way out of camp. Swirlingocean cast him a side glance and Lionessfire looked like she was going to ask if he was alright. But Batstar didn't want to respond to anyone— he wasn't even sure if the two had said anything. So he continued moving forward through the rocky outcrops of the mountains, sun shining far above his head, blue eyes reflecting the clouds. A gentle breeze wrapped around his body and sifted through his fur. His tense muscles relaxed and he slowed down from his sprint, paws leading him through the paths, leaves fluttering around his feet and ears. Batstar twitched his tail and eventually realized he was nearing MeadowClan's border. His heart suddenly felt heavy in his chest.

The black tom loved the feeling of soft grass under his pads, but seeing so much green and light reminded him of Sunshower. He could never keep his mind off of the she-cat — whether it was missing her or worrying for her. He felt so powerless, not being able to protect her anymore, not being able to hunt with her or hang out with her or play games or have fun— everything that had once been so beautiful in his life had flickered away like a dying flame.

Batstar sat at the MeadowClan border, watching the trees sway with the wind. He sighed softly, tail flicking, taking in the scent of the hill-dwellers. The leader wondered what it was like living there, especially for Sunshower. He couldn't imagine the transition from DriftClan to MeadowClan had been an easy feat, especially for a former leader.

A smile flickered over his face for a moment. He remembered Sunstar in all of her glory— leading the Clan to such greatness, being loved by so many, making Batchaser her deputy... those had been his best memories. He only wished he and Sunstar had been able to live a long life together, raising Howlingwolf even if he wasn't the father, resting happily in DriftClan, eventually retiring to fun story-telling elders.. but that didn't happen, did it? It never was going to happen. Because she'd chosen Wolfstar — the father of her kits, a MeadowClan leader — over him. But... Batstar understood why... She loved him. He wouldn't corrupt her like Batstar would have. Howlingwolf had her real father back.

He chuckled to himself, thinking back to playing with Howlingkit in DriftClan. She seemed to have slight distaste toward him, but eventually resorted to calling him "Uncle Batty", even after moving to MeadowClan. It made his heart swell. Batstar had never had siblings or even the chance to have kits — Lynxbite had been taken from him while pregnant. Sunshower's kits had filled the empty void in his heart just a little bit. He would always protect them with his life. And he almost wondered if Wolfcall saw the potential in Howlingstar — how amazing she was, how many great things she could do. Because it seemed not many did, and Batstar cursed the world for that.

Truly, all Batstar wanted was a chance back in Sunshower's life. He wasn't sure how much longer he could survive being on his own. Of course, he thought, scowling, Wolfcall hates me. I wouldn't ever be able to be involved with Sunshower, not with him around. That thought made his claws sink into the dirt below. He truly despised Wolfcall and vice versa— it wasn't exactly a secret. The black tom didn't think the former leader was worthy of Sunshower and Howlingstar — sucking their life away with his own self-pity and disgust. Batstar wasn't sure if he would have been a much better mate for Sunshower, but knew he loved those two unconditionally, through thick and thin. Howlingstar was like his daughter in a weird sort of way. Sunshower was his best friend... perhaps not anymore since they hardly talked, but she knew him better than any other cat, and Batstar liked to think he knew her just as well. But now they were leading different lives and would forever.

He often cursed himself for letting Sunshower leave. That had been the worst decision he'd ever made — even bringing up the idea had been a mistake. Why couldn't he be selfish for once? Keep close two cats he loved more than anyone else in the world? But he would have hated himself even more for forcing them to stay. Even if Sunshower had been skeptical of the idea at first, she'd left with Howlingwolf... for Wolfstar. And it had crushed his heart into a million cracked pieces of ice, but he liked to think she was happier in MeadowClan with her entire family. That's all that mattered, right? Sunshower's happiness?

Batstar was lost in his thoughts before he heard twigs snap nearby. His ears flicked up and he immediately bounced to his paws, panic beating in his chest. Rogues? Were they coming to attack? The leader opened his jaws to take in the scent and paused. Not a rogue. Someone from MeadowClan... and a familiar smell at that.

He hesitated before stepping forward, calling out, "Hello?"

The bushes rustled once more and a beautiful golden she-cat slipped out. She shook leaves off of her pelt and smiled softly. "Batstar."

The black tom choked on his breath, paws curling with newfound excitement. "Sunshower." He breathed out, shifting forward, tilting his head. "What are you doing over here, MeadowClanner?"

"I could ask you the same, DriftClanner," she giggled, batting stray plants away from her face.

Batstar chuckled, relaxing and sitting down, tail curling around his paws. He didn't even realize they weren't shaking anymore. "Just looking around," he said, ear twitching. "I'm surprised to see you, though. How have you been? Since...?"

Her eyes darkened slightly. "Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Howlingstar is recuperating as well." She looked away. "Wolfcall... he's still not coming back to camp. He must think we hate him."

Batstar thought. "Do you?"

Sunshower hesitated then shook her head. "Of course not. He's my mate and the father of my kits — I love him. I'm just worried for his health, and I don't think Howlingstar's loss of a life helped him at all." She kneaded her paws into the ground. "I don't know what to do..."

"Go find him," the black tom murmured, tail flicking. No matter how much he hated that stupid lumbering idiot, he would always help Sunshower. "He can't sit around doing nothing forever. He needs to be there for his family."

The golden she-cat frowned. "I know he does, but he loathes himself so much it affects everyone. I just wish he could take it for us."

I would, Batstar thought, but said nothing. "Well, I hope things work out for you, Sunshower." He stood up, ready to run away. For some reason he was suddenly anxious and paranoid. He wanted to be back in his nest where he was safe. "Take care."

"Wait." Sunshower stepped over the border, placing a paw on the black tom's shoulder. She blinked, ears flicking back. "How are you doing, Batstar?"

The leader hesitated, paws shuffling as he looked down. "Oh... I'm fine, dear. No need to worry about me." He flashed her his usual convincing smile, but her face was still pinched in worry.

"Batstar, I... I know you will do well during your leadership. That's why I chose you as my deputy so many moons ago. But please, please make some friends for me." Her imploring made Batstar flinch. His heart cracked open and he felt like he was drowning again. He couldn't breathe. He was fine. He was fine. He just needed to learn how to live alone again, like he had after his sister's death and after Lynxbite and his unborn kits had been carried away by the hawk.

Batstar didn't know if he could live without Sunshower anymore. His eyes filled with tears that he tried to blink away. "I miss you so much," he admitted, looking away. "I don't know how to go on, love. I have no one. I'm completely alone.." He let out a choked sob, stumbling back. He was fine. He was fine! Why was he acting like this? He was DriftClan's leader. Batstar couldn't afford to look this weak.

"Hey, hey, shhh." Paws wrapped around his hunched shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He calmed down, listening to Sunshower's rhythmic purring in her throat, body trembling. "I'm so, so sorry we had to leave you, Batstar. Remember that you will always be someone I love very much. You raised Howlingstar for half your life — she knows that, and she loves you just as much as you do her. Please. You are not disliked or unloved. You're just in the wrong place..." She pulled back, eyes watering. "So please try to meet some new cats. Interact with your Clanmates. I'm not going to be able to tell you what to do for much longer."

He froze, staring at Sunshower. "What do you mean...?" The MeadowClanner hesitated and Batstar's sight grew clouded with tears. "You're dying..."

Sunshower looked sad. "I don't know. I'm not sure how much time I have, though. I've lived a long, good life, Batstar. Perhaps death won't be so bad."

The black tom cried out, burying his face in her fur. "Please don't leave me," he pleaded. "I can't lose you. You mean everything to me."

She held Batstar's face in her paws, staring him in the eyes. "Hush. I have to go eventually, but I won't be gone. We'll meet again in LightClan. I'll never leave you alone." He sniffed, holding her paws as she continued. "Try to take care of Howlingstar when I'm gone. I want Wolfcall under control, but I fear..." Sunshower trailed off, eyes flickering away.

"I will," he whispered, nuzzling her cheek. "Whatever happens, I love you. Your family is beautiful and your kits mean so much to me. I won't let you down."

She nodded slowly, smiling softly. "That's all I want."

Batstar closed his eyes, breathing out. "Yes. That's all I want, too."