Hey lookie it's another one of those late night vents haha

So yeah, I haven't done this in a while which is kinda good. I don't want this book to be too much of a drag of vents haha

But lately, this week was kinda wack. That's what I'd always say when people asked me how my day was going. Wack.

School was another reason as to why

I hate it, I wish it'd stop existing

Idk, I just can't seem to fit in with other of my classmates.

One time, our teacher told us that we could sit anywhere for the day and I sat next to one of my good friends and behind another pair of my classmates.

We were doing work and I can't help but hear the girl in front of me say "Ew" as she turned around to see us.

I hate the word "ew." It sounds so disgusting and discriminating.

Though, I know that she meant the word towards me and not my friend. I just kept quiet and continued doing my work even if I had a trouble doing so

And now I can't help but look at myself and see a disgusting thing. I'd stare at my hands and feel so disgusted just looking at my skin.

In the same week, I was being shut out by my best friend, especially at times when I never even said a word to her. She'd just tell me to shut up. I can't tell if it was all a joke but by the end of the week, we began talking with each other again.

But during the same day, we were in PE doing laps around the field. I was slowing down and noticed one of my classmates from Math class. She had trouble with math and would sometimes seem so sad.

I ran up to her and began having small talk with her. Lately, I've been asking people how their day was going because y'know, I just felt like I needed to.

We got along well and she told me how she'd just catch up to her friends but they'd continue to run. I told her that it happens to me too sometimes. During the rest of the period, I walked beside her and decided to waste time because we were being timed.

Besides I didn't care about my grades at the moment.

Idk why but I felt so proud being by her side. I had a huge trouble with math too when I was younger and I felt sympathy for her. She's absolutely sweet and I hope that little walk with her meant something because it certainly did with me.

By the end of the day, I felt joy rush through me not just because it was Friday. I was so happy that I decided to hug my mom for absolutely no reason.

She asked me if anything happened but I just told her that one hug never hurt anyone.

I think I gave my little a brother a hug too but I forgot.

I want hugs so badly too but I feel so disgusting.

Everyday at school in class, I'd imagine myself having a mental breakdown and running out of class. It feels like it'd happen eventually.

Idk man, I feel like I'm losing touch.

I hate school. It opens up so many possibilities of embarrassing myself.

I just hope everything ends soon. I can't take much of this anymore.

Okay, I'll be completely honest.

I really am toxic. I lost my best friend in a personal level because I kept venting with him. I hurt him and I feel so guilty. We talked and now I swear to god that I won't ever vent to him ever again.

Now I just have Wattpad again. I guess that's why I haven't been writing in here lately.

I lost two personal relationships with two of my best friends that week. Lets say I broke up with them in two different ways.

And now, I'm all alone again.

No one would want to listen to me and this week made it perfectly clear. I'm far from being fixed.

Man, it' almost Valentines Day too.

At this point I want to sew my lips together Coraline style y'know?

I feel like such a burden that can no longer receive help. And it's all my fault.

But it's fine. It's fine I guess.

I keep telling myself that I've been handling everything well solo style. I can't say that I'm neither a liar nor a truther hah.

It's funny too y'know because no one has denied that I'm fake. They just went with it. They said nothing about it. Instead, they argued that my art wasn't at all bad.

Big F.

Someone I love told me that it's okay to be self-centered, but it's so difficult believing them when they especially hate self-centered people.

2020 is sure going great.