⌜ chapter five ⌟

Daryl, Andrea, and Jess went back out into the woods to look for Sophia after he left MJ laying on the car. She heads back to the RV, and Dale looks at her.

"You've been alone out there for awhile." The older man says, and she doesn't even glance his way.

"You have no idea." She mutters as she opens the door and walks inside.

Jack's sitting at the table on the small bench and his legs are stretched out. He has a pillow between his head and the wall and he's sound asleep. She hears Carol crying at the back of the RV and walks over there. MJ sits down, and Carol looks at her. The blonde sighs as she glances at the terrified mother.

"I can't promise you that we're gonna find her, because I don't know anything for certain. I do know, however, that I'm not gonna stop looking." She tells her. "No parent should ever know the pain of losing a child."

"You lost a child?" Carol asks, and she nods.

"My son, when this all started." She sighs. "I have two kids, a boy and a girl. I lost Matty before I met Rick."

"What about your daughter?"

"I don't know where she is... If she's alive or dead." She tells her. "Awhile ago, I...went away for awhile. When I got back, my daughter was angry. She didn't want to see me, so she was staying with her dad. My son, on the other hand, refused to leave me, and so I had him. We were on our way to find them when everything started. Then he died...and I lost all hope."

"I didn't know you had a husband until you mentioned him at the C.D.C." Carol says.

"He's my ex-husband, actually. We fell in love when we were fifteen, had Matty, got married when we turned eighteen." She sighs as she looks out the window. "He and I are so much alike, yet so different. We just didn't work out, you know? Sometimes no matter how much you love someone... You can't make it work. He's a good guy, a great father, and I still love him. I think a part of me always will."

"He could still be alive. We aren't the only survivors." She says. "He and your daughter could be out there somewhere."

"Could be." She nods.

Carol can see that she's still grieving. After all, how much time is enough after you lose your own son? There's no pain like it.

"I'm gonna go get some air." Carol says as she stands up. MJ just nods, and she leaves the RV, careful not to wake Jack.

"How could you do this to us?!" Matt yells as he looks at MJ. "How... How could you do this to them?!" He's fighting back his tears.

"Everything that I am... Who I am and how I am this... It's because of him." MJ wipes tears from her face. "I don't know how to live without my big brother. I can't do it."

"They need you! We all do!" He leans against a chair in his apartment, his hands resting on the top, supporting his weight. "I need you, MJ." His voice is softer now, weak.

"I'm sorry."

"No. No, you're not." He shakes his head. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it."

"Going through this past year has been the hardest thing that I've ever done. The anticipation and the waiting... I can't." She pushes her hair back, and he clenches his teeth, trying to shove down his anger.

"You've seen what this has been doing to his family — to Addy and Dana." His eyes are searching her face, desperately looking for answers. "How could you do that to us too?"

"I don't..." She shakes her head, she doesn't have anything​ that'll make this better.

Carol walks back in and she's crying again as she makes her way to where MJ is. "They didn't find her. They still didn't..." She sobs, and MJ stands up, immediately pulling her into a hug. She just holds Carol as she cries.

Daryl walks in then and he pauses when he sees the two women in their embrace. MJ looks over at him, and he immediately drops his gaze to the floor.

The next morning, they head over to the farm and then Rick walks out to talk to the members who are just now arriving. They all look to him expectantly, wanting to hear how Carl's doing.

"How is he?" Dale asks.

"He'll pull through, thanks to Hershel and his people." Lori tells them.

"And Shane." Rick adds. "We'd have lost Carl if not for him." He says, and MJ looks over at the man with a fresh buzz-cut and overalls.

Something about the look on his face sends a strange feeling down her spine. She can't quite place her concerns, but it's different than it was before. Something with Shane is different now and it's not just the new hair.

Dale hugs Rick as Carol walks over to Lori and hugs her. "Thank God." Carol says. "We were so worried."

"How'd it happen?" Dale asks as Jack walks over to MJ. She wraps her arm around him.

"Hunting accident." Rick tells them. "That's all — just a stupid accident."

A little later in the day, they're placing large stones in a pile to create a sort of memorial place for one of the men from the farm — Otis. He and Shane went for medical supplies yesterday in order to save Carl, and only Shane made it back.

"Blessed be God, father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Praise be to him for the gift of our brother Otis, for his span of years, for his abundance of character; Otis, who gave his life to save a child's, now more than ever, our most precious asset. We thank you, God, for the peace he enjoys in your embrace. He died as he lived, in grace." Hershel says and then turns to the group. "Shane, will you speak for Otis?"

"I'm not good at it." Shane tells him. "I'm sorry."

"You were the last one with him." Another woman — Patricia — says through her tears. "You shared his final moments. Please. I need to hear. I need to know his death had meaning."

"Okay." He hesitates, not meeting anyone's eyes. "We were about done. Almost out of ammo. We were down to pistols by then. I was limping. It was bad. Ankle all swollen up. We've got to save the boy. See, that's what he said." He's got this far away look in his eyes as he continues. "He gave me his backpack. He shoved me ahead. Run, he said. He said, I'll take the rear. I'll cover you. And when I looked back..." He glances over at Patricia and then takes a few hobbled steps toward the rocks. "If not for Otis, I'd have never made it out alive. And that goes for Carl too. It was Otis. He saved us both. If any death ever had meaning, it was his." He sets another rock on the pile.

—

"How long has this girl been lost?" Hershel asks.

"This'll be day three." Rick tells him as Maggie — Hershel's daughter — walks over to them.

"County survey map." She says as she lays a map on the truck hood. "Shows terrain and elevations." She lays rocks on it so that it won't roll back into a cylinder.

"This is perfect. We can finally get this thing organized." Rick says. MJ's trying to avoid looking at the brunette — Maggie. There's nothing wrong with the girl, she just reminds her of someone that she never cared for. "We'll grid the whole area, start searching in teams."

"Not you. Not today." Hershel tells him. "You gave three units of blood. You wouldn't be hiking five minutes in this heat before passing out." He then looks at Shane. "And you're ankle — pushing it now, you'll be laid up for a month, no good to anybody."

"That leaves us." MJ glances at Daryl. "Could be worse."

"I want to help too." Jack says, and MJ looks at him.

"You can help. Right here on the farm." She says, and he shakes his head.

"No. I'm coming."

"No. I want you here, and it's not because I'm trying to protect you from what's out there, alright?" She tells him. "I want you to be with Rick and Glenn, learning as much as you can from them. And you help Lori if she needs it. Spend some time with Carl. There's plenty to be done right here." She says, and he nods.

"Okay." He reluctantly agrees.

"If mother bear and her cub are done..." Daryl says, and she shoots him a glare as he turns back to the map. "I'm gonna head back to the creek, work my way from there."

"I can still be useful." Shane says. "Drive back to the interest. See if Sophia wandered back."

"Alright, tomorrow then." Rick says. "We'll start doing this right."

"That means we can't have our people out there with just knives. They need the gun training we've been promising them." He says, and MJ nods in agreement.

"I'd prefer you not carrying guns on my property." Hershel says, and her jaw tightens. "We've managed so far without turning this into an armed camp.

"All due respect, you get a crowd of those things wandering in here..." Shane scoffs.

"Look, we're guests here." Rick says. "This is your property, and we will respect that." He sets his gun on the truck and then Shane follows his lead. He then looks at MJ.

"I don't have it on me." The blonde tells him, and he gives her a skeptical look. "You wanna frisk me? All I've got right now is this—" she holds up the angel blade. "—and I'm not giving it to anyone or leaving it anywhere."

He nods. "First things first: set camp, find Sophia."

"I hate to be the one to ask, but somebody's got to." Shane says. "What happens if we find her, and she's bit? I think we should all be clear on how we handle that."

Rick looks at MJ, and she sighs. "You do what has to be done." She reluctantly says.

"And her mother?" Maggie asks. "What do you tell her?"

"The truth."

Shane picks up his gun. "I'll gather and secure all the weapons." He says, and they all miss the look exchanged between Maggie and her father. "Make sure no one's carrying till we're at a practice range off site. I do request one rifleman on lookout. Dale's got experience."

Hershel doesn't​ say anything, and MJ motions for Rick to talk to him. "Our people would feel safer, less inclined to carry a gun." He says, and the older man reluctantly nods, saying that Dale can. "Thank you."

"What about her bag?"

"You touch my stuff, and I'll cut off your hand." MJ tells Shane before turning to face Hershel. "I have a weapons bag separate from the group's. It's locked and secure, no one but me can get in it unless they cut it open. All I ask is that it's kept in my tent."

"You won't carry a gun on the property?" He asks, and she shakes her head.

"No."

"Alright." He concedes.

She nods and looks at Jack. "Remember, anything Rick needs." She tells him, and he nods. "I'll be back."

MJ, Daryl, and Shane walk away from them and head to get ready for what each have to do today. MJ goes to talk to Jess, fill her in on what happened yesterday, and ask her to keep an eye on Jack. She gives her the angel blade and shows her how to conceal it so no one will know she has it. She already showed her how to use it before, just in case she ever had to use it herself.

"Daryl. MJ!" Rick calls, and they both walk over to him from different directions. "You two okay on your own?"

"I'm better on my own." Daryl says, and MJ nods. So is she.

"We'll be back before dark." She tells him, and they both start walking.

"Hey!" Rick calls after them. "We got a base. We can get this search properly organized now."

"You got a point or are we just chattin'?" He asks, and MJ quirks an eyebrow.

"My point is it lets you off the hook." He's talking to Daryl. "You don't owe us anything."

He turns around and starts walking. "My other plans fell through." He says, and MJ looks at Rick.

"You worry too much." She tells him.

"Will you two stay together please?" He asks, and she sighs. "It'll make Jack feel better."

The blonde sighs as she thinks it over for a second. "Daryl!" She calls over her shoulder before reluctantly jogging over to him. "Want some company?"

"No."

"That makes two of us." She glances at him, and he sighs. "Let's go."