CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN:
TEAR MYSELF APART
(episode four: homecoming | trigger warning: violence)

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IT FELT LIKE HAVEN had only been asleep for a second before JJ was frantically shaking her awake. Early morning sun was filtering through the window, the sky a bright shade of pink that told Haven she'd only been asleep for an hour or two. She'd expected this; the sudden panic that came with daylight, the realisation that they were sitting ducks with Kie and Pope still having the boat, but she had hoped for a couple more hours of sleep first. Still, she didn't protest when the others all started moving to head outside. She simply ducked back into John B's bedroom where she'd left her clothes, quickly pulling on her skirt and boots while deciding to just leave his shirt on.

"It's way too early for this," she muttered as JJ dragged her out into the yard where Arden was trying and failing to sooth her squealing daughter. The sound of Logan's cries had Haven rubbing her temples, her head throbbing like someone had taken to it with a hammer. "Your kid's hurting my head, JJ."

"Well, if you hadn't gotten so wasted last night, that wouldn't be a problem."

"Oh, like you can talk."

"Guys, come on," John B cut in suddenly. "I see the boat. They're back."

At that, JJ took off running down towards the jetty, forcefully bringing Haven along with him. She heard the others following behind them, Logan's sobs finally falling silent as Harlow took over for a stressed out Arden. Still, every little sound ― the cracks of branches beneath their feet, their footsteps pounding on the jetty, JJ's voice shouting for Kie and Pope to keep the boat running ― echoed around and around in her head, like sitting beside a blaring speaker at a party until everything was so loud; your breathing, your heart beat. You were the music and the music was you. That was how Haven felt then, like she was every bit of pain beating in her skull, wanting to be set free.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kie frowned as she spotted JJ and Haven marching towards them.

"We're dipping," JJ announced, not giving much more of an explanation as he hopped into the boat and turned around to help Haven then Arden and Logan in.

"Why? What are you guys talking about?"

Nobody answered them at first. Haven had taken a seat at the back of the boat, closing her eyes as the sun continued to only get brighter by the second. Arden was trying to give Logan her bottle with Harlow sitting anxiously at her side. John B and Sarah were only just making their way down the jetty, John B with his arm around Sarah's waist as she struggled to run with her wounded hip. Pope and Kie were both left incredibly confused, still pleading for an explanation in the midst of it all.

"Where did you guys go? What happened last night?" John B asked them instead, letting go of Sarah so that JJ and Harlow could help her down into the boat.

"We slept on the break. What's up?"

"Slept? Right, okay," JJ smirked in disbelief. Both Pope and Kie made sounds of embarrassment, but they had other things to worry about than two of their friends sleeping together. "Well, we ― being me and JB, because the girls wanted a little sleepover ― were up all night waiting for you to get back."

"Can someone tell us why?" Kie huffed in annoyance.

"Rafe knows we're here," Sarah explained then, lowering herself into the chair beside Haven. This prompted Haven's eyes to open, to worriedly look her over as she clutched at her side, breathing heavily. "So we have to leave, like, now."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah," Harlow chuckled frantically, shaky hands waving around in a panic. Again, it reminded Haven a lot of Arden's nervous habits, which was rather strange to think about. The girls had barely seen each other for years, and yet they moved like they were one singular person split in two. "So can we get the hell out of here now? Before he comes back?"

That was all it took for Pope and Kie to quickly untie the boat. It took them a minute, what with JJ attempting to tease them about their night together and everyone struggling to fit on the benches. But they managed in the end, speeding away from the Chateau like Rafe was already on the jetty shooting at them.

So much for home sweet home.

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"LOOK, IF RAFE AND BARRY know, it's only a matter of time," Kie sighed, taking a seat on the log Haven had claimed for herself.

The group had driven the boat out to a corner of the marsh where no one would see them unless they happened to be out on the water themselves. Then, for good measure, they wandered inland a bit behind a couple of fallen trees, making themselves comfortable on a bench and a couple of tree stumps. The air was tense now, the warmth of their night long since forgotten. Haven was on high alert, glancing warily around at every sound that might've been made by a person. Her head was still killing her, but they had bigger problems than a hangover. If they were caught now, John B would go to prison.

"Before everyone knows," Pope finished off what Kie had been saying.

"I told you," JJ sighed, pointing an accusing finger at John B. "We should've gone South, man."

"Just stop it," John B shook his head, but JJ wasn't paying attention. He continued to pace back and forth, hands stressfully tugging at his blonde hair.

"Why does no one ever listen to me?"

"Look, I get it," John B cut him off, grabbing hold of his arm so he would stop moving. "I get it. I understand."

JJ looked ready to say more but was silenced by Logan gurgling in Arden's arms. He forced himself to stay in one place then, reaching down to take her into his embrace instead. He needed something to hold onto, something that would require all his focus, so this panic could just fade. Haven didn't blame him. She was anxiously biting at her fingernails now ― a horrible nervous habit of hers ― glancing at each of the pogues in the hopes that one of them would offer up a solution. There had to be something, anything, that didn't involve running all the time.

"I have an idea," Sarah said, a solemn glint in her eyes. "With me back, my dad's going to have to choose between me and Rafe."

John B sighed, already knowing where this was going. "Sarah, look―"

"He's gonna choose me," she insisted, but Haven wasn't so sure.

If that was the case, why hadn't he done something already? John B and Sarah had mentioned running into Ward in the Bahamas. It was how Sarah got hurt. Rafe had shot her. But Ward never did anything. Nobody knew that Rafe had killed Peterkin, then on top of that, attempted to end his sister's life too. Ward was protecting him. He was giving up on his daughter, and everyone else knew it. But not Sarah. Not yet.

"Just please listen," John B pleaded. "Ward keeps lying to you, Sarah."

Haven hated the way Sarah's face crumbled with sadness, but it was the truth. Ward would do whatever it took to help himself stay out of trouble. And agreeing with Sarah, giving himself up for her, was something that Haven doubted even crossed his mind. Rafe Cameron was officially the favourite child now, just like he'd always wanted.

"Look, Saz," Arden sighed, reaching out to squeeze Sarah's hand when she went to protest. "He's not going to agree after everything that's happened. He and my mum already teamed up to put doubt on my witness statement. He's gone to ridiculous lengths to keep himself out of trouble, and I don't mean this to sound harsh but... I really doubt he'd give everything up for you. I'm sorry―"

"No," Sarah cut in, eyes glossing over. "I know it sounds crazy―"

"Yeah, it does," Kie scoffed.

"I know. But he's my dad."

"Sarah―"

"And I know he loves me," she exclaimed desperately, like she wasn't sure what to believe but was still clinging to that old version of him. John B turned away at that, visibly annoyed with her. Haven didn't blame him. She didn't blame either of them, it was an impossible situation. "I'm just asking for two hours, okay?"

No one said anything. It was clear she'd already made up her mind. Slowly, she stood up, ignoring Arden's hand attempting to pull her back and the disapproving huff that JJ let fall past his lips. Haven stood up to join him, leaning against his shoulder and prompting him to let out a sigh.

"She's making a mistake," he murmured, the two watching John B chase after her while Arden and Harlow started muttering heatedly to each other.

"I know," she said, squeezing his arm. "But we can't stop her."

They just had to wait and hope for a miracle.

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THE NEXT TWO HOURS felt like days. With Sarah using the boat to visit Ward, dropping Harlow and Logan off near Haven's along the way upon Arden's insistence, they had no way of leaving the marsh, forcing them to wait around for her to return. Once they'd left, John B had stormed out to a sand bank in frustration. The pogues and Haven decided to give him space at first, not wanting to test the extent of his anger in that moment, but Pope soon went to sit with them, the two talking in low voices. JJ and Kie took this as an opportunity to gather some wood from the trees nearby, hoping to start a fire to keep them warm against the cool breeze. Haven almost went with them but hesitated as her eyes landed on Arden staring down at a picture of Logan she carried with her. It was obvious she was worried for the girl, but everyone knew it was easier for her to be with Harlow away from any potential danger.

"I think I'll stay here," she decided when JJ turned to her questioningly.

He seemed to get the hint, nodding with a hopeful smile as he paused to watch Haven sit opposite his girlfriend. Kie wandered over to him then, lips pursed at the sight but saying nothing as she nudged him along. Haven waited for them to go, then turned back to Arden. The girl was already watching her, a combination of curiosity and suspicion forming on her face. But she bit her tongue, clearly holding back a smart remark as hope won out over anger.

"What do you want?" she eventually asked, sounding completely exhausted.

"I, uh―"

Suddenly, Haven couldn't think of anything to say. There were so many places she could start, but none of them felt good enough. She just knew she was tired, too, and not just because she had no sleep. She was tired of being stubborn, of making the same mistakes, of this distance of her own creation. She was tired of not knowing how to fix it ― or knowing where she could begin but not making the first move. Maybe it wouldn't work. Maybe Arden and Kie and even Pope would hate her forever. But Haven was tired of regret, of loving who she saw in the mirror but not the person in her head and heart. So she said it in the simplest way she knew how.

"I'm really sorry, Arden.'

The words seemed to stun her. She froze, like she would've preferred Haven punching her in the face over this. "What?" she breathed out, unsure if she'd heard her right.

"I'm really sorry," she repeated, mustering up every bit of confidence to raise her head up high. "For a lot of things. Hurting you, what I said at the hospital―"

"It wasn't just me you hurt, you know," Arden grumbled, looking over at where Pope sat with a pointed scowl. "Look, Haven, nothing's going to change by you just saying 'I'm sorry.' Especially if the others aren't okay with you too. And by that, I mean Pope and Kie. John B and Sarah might not care, but they weren't here. We were."

"Do you even know why I distanced myself?" Haven scoffed and pushed herself to her feet. She couldn't sit down anymore. She needed to move. "I was tired of the constant danger. I thought John B and Sarah were ― I needed to think of myself for once."

"Well, we're in danger now, aren't we?" Arden pointed out with a pained laugh. "So why aren't you running?"

Haven knew she was just trying to get under her skin. It worked at first, but Haven pushed back until the pounding of her heart calmed down. She'd said the words that were on her mind for so long. She'd made a start, even if Arden wasn't willing to put anything in herself. That had to count for something.

"I'm not running anymore," she declared, shrugging like there was nothing else to it. "I thought two of my closest friends were dead, Arden. You can't blame me for grieving in a different way to you. Could I have handled things a lot better? Yes. But I won't apologise for putting myself first. I said sorry for hurting you, and that, I meant. Take it or leave it."

Arden's mouth opened to retort but anything she might've said was cut off by the engine of a boat. Haven spun around, spotting the HMS Pogue pulling back to shore and the others rushing over to greet her. Judging by the heartbroken look on her face, it had gone just like the pogues and Haven thought it would. Sighing, Haven turned back to Arden, who was already pushing herself up.

"Look, you don't ever have to forgive me if you don't want to," Haven said. "But I'm friends with John B and Sarah. And your boyfriend is my cousin. He's like my brother. Meaning I'm going to be around a lot, and so are you. So can we at least agree to be civil for their sake?"

"Fine," Arden rolled her eyes, but Haven could hear the sincerity behind it. "We can be civil, Murphy, but that's it."

At least that was something.

By the time they reached the others, JJ and Pope had tied off the boat again and Sarah was explaining what happened.

"You guys were right," she sniffled. "It didn't work."

"Well, then that settles it, guys," JJ exclaimed as he marched up to them. "Now, y'all need to herd up in the paddy wagon and get the heck out of Dodge right now."

John B shook his head, already disagreeing, but Pope cut him off by insisting, "You guys are gonna need supplies, and you'll have to split as soon as possible."

It hurt Haven's heart to think about them leaving again, but she knew it was for the best at this point. At least she'd gotten to see them, to memorise their faces, even if it was just a few days. Would it be like this forever? Secret visits when no one was around? Always looking over her shoulder? Would they ever get to be normal teenagers again, kids who could see their friends without fearing who would notice them together?

Suddenly, a siren pierced the air, loud and close by.

"Uh, guys," Kie piped up, face pale. "I think it's too late."

Speeding towards them were several police boats, each packed with a number of armed officers. Haven's eyes widened in horror, and she had to stop herself from reaching out to John B and Sarah, like her having a hold on them would stop them from being taken away. This couldn't be happening. Ward had to have sold them out.

"It was your dad," Arden exclaimed. "Do you see now, Sarah?"

Sarah said nothing, just staring at the oncoming boats with pure heartbreak. Haven couldn't bring herself to feel bad for her anymore. Right now, they had to escape, or else John B was about to end up in prison.

"Stay on the beach with your hands in the air!" A male voice boomed over a loudspeaker.

That spurred everyone into action. Haven reached for John B's arm, Arden for Sarah's, the two pulling them away and towards the trees with the others right behind them. They couldn't afford to stop for the things they'd left behind. The police were on them in an instant, gaining speed quickly as the pogues and Haven struggled to navigate the thickly grown trees. Every step had Sarah crying out in front of them, prompting Haven to drop John B's hand and loop her arm around Sarah's waist, helping Arden tug her along.

"Come on," she urged, gasping for air. "We've got you, Sarah, it's alright."

But it wasn't alright. They were playing a losing game, and all of them knew it. They ran through a field of grass, swam across a river, but not once did the police fall back. If anything, the chase gave them energy that was taken away from the pogues. Before they knew it, they were cornered by a tree with Shoupe's car careening into the clearing followed by several others.

"We're trapped," JJ sighed, and the first of Haven's tears formed. "They've surrounded us."

"No," she protested, chest tightening. "No, there has to be another way out."

But there wasn't. "There's no getting out of this," he told her. "We've gotta make a stand."

There was a metallic click as he pulled out his gun and reloaded the bullets. Haven's breath hitched in terror. He wouldn't be able to stop dozens of police officers with just one weapon. If anything, this would only put him in prison too, and she'd lose both him and John B in the space of a day. The thought had her sobbing, hands reaching out to stop JJ, but someone had already beat her to it. John B was smiling as he took the gun away, dropping it to the ground and kicking it beneath a cluster of leaves. JJ shook his head in denial, but John B had made his decision.

"It's gonna be alright," Haven heard him say before the police were on them.

"John B," Shoupe screamed. "Step out into the clearing!"

The following commands were lost on Haven as her ears started to ring. Her eyes stayed locked on John B's back, watching as he raised his arms in surrender, hands visibly shaking. At some point, the others started to surrender too, forcing her to subconsciously do the same. Her arms felt heavy, like bricks were pushing them back down, but she fought back, forcing herself into the present to hear what Shoupe had to say.

"Listen, Shoupe, I want to testify," John B pleaded.

"It's about time," the man scoffed, gun raised. "Now get down, and don't move a muscle."

John B did as he asked, and the Sheriff gestured for one of his officers to put him in handcuffs. A familiar male officer charged forward, but instead of putting his hands behind his back, he wrapped his arms around John B's throat and lifted him up in fury.

"No!" Haven screamed, the sound ripping through her throat as she attempted to rush forward. The others quickly followed, horrified as the officer landed a punch on John B's chest, but they were only stopped by another officer yelling at them. Haven had a gun pressed to her shoulder but she continued to scream, tears streaming down her face, sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe.

Nobody was doing anything. Shoupe half-heartedly tried, and Haven had a feeling it was only to appease the witnesses, but the man simply pushed him back and knocked John B out cold.

Everything froze then. Haven's head fell forward, and she ignored the officer yelling at her as she leaned forward to let the bile free. The world was spinning. Her head was pounding, but all she could see was John B's bloody face and the proud smile of an officer abusing his power. JJ pulled her into a tight embrace, but she couldn't feel it.

The panic had taken over.