CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:
ON MY OWN
(episode seven: dead calm | trigger warning: mentions of violence and a panic attack)

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NOBODY MOVED. SECONDS STRETCHED into minutes as John B stared down the barrel of their captor's shotgun, his eyes wide as the others sat frozen.

Finally, the man's patience wore thin. "Why don't I just go ahead and see them hands in the air, right now?"

John B was seemingly too slow for his liking, for he waved the gun around and shouted, "All of y'alls hands up in the air now!"

Haven would've been rooted to the spot had it not been for Arden sharply nudging her in the ribs. She let out a shaky breath as she held up her hands, her palms visibly trembling, but she wasn't the only one. They were all terrified. This was different to the confrontations with Rafe or those men. Rafe was a teenage boy with his fists and daddy's bank account. And they always managed to just escape the square groupers. This man, he had a gun at close range and wouldn't hesitate to shoot.

But the real question of the hour was why. What did he want from them?

The pawnbroker. Haven would bet every cent of her share in the Royal Merchant gold that the bitch had sold them out to someone, wanting the riches for herself. Money made people selfish, but selfish enough to threaten their lives? Haven wouldn't put it past the likes of her.

"You," he snarled at John B through the mask he wore over his mouth and nose. "Out of the car! Let's go!" This time around, John B moved a lot quicker. He slammed the door shut behind him, slowly following the man as he led him to the other side of the car, right where the door to the others was. "Let them out. Well? What are you waitin' on? Let them out!"

Sarah was the first out, whimpering to herself as she stood beside John B. Then Haven, Pope, and the rest with Arden last of all. The man stared at her stomach with disgust, latching onto her shoulder and shoving her when she was just that bit too slow.

"Hey," JJ growled as Haven stopped Arden from falling. They quickly raised their hands again when the gun was trained on them, but JJ stepped in between them with his jaw clenched. "Hey, man—"

"Did I say you could speak?"

"Alright, alright," he shouted back. "Just relax."

"Shut the hell up! Or I'll blow your damn head off!"

He guided them over to a ditch on the side of the road, demanding for them to lay down. Haven was crammed between Pope and JJ, her hands on her head now as her forehead pressed into the dirt. It was getting hard to breathe, that tauntingly familiar surge of panic swelling up in her chest. Hiding in the chicken coop all those weeks ago was nothing compared to this. This was real, the kind of case her dad would've gotten in the courtroom. They were about to be robbed, or worse, and Haven's breaths were only getting louder.

"Have," JJ murmured as his bicep pressed into her arm. "Haven, you gotta be quiet..."

"Who's talking?" the man suddenly snarled, evoking hushed whimpers from Haven and a glare from JJ. He just looked Haven over in disgust before forcing the back of JJ's head down again. "Head, down! And don't let me see you look up again."

Haven squeezed her eyes shut, unable to hear anything but the thumping of her heart. When she was a kid, she used to get terrible panic attacks. She saw a counsellor for them and they went away eventually, coming and going whenever things got bad but never as hard-hitting as this. Her body felt numb, like bricks were weighing down every limb. She could feel bile rising up in her throat but she forced it back down, knowing vomit would only anger the man more. She didn't want to risk the lives of her friends, herself, because she couldn't concentrate.

Slowly, a hand reached for hers. JJ was right beside her, his side against hers and their pinkies interlocked. She'd told him about her panic attacks one night in her living room. He'd finally noticed the Dora haircut she rocked in one of her mother's wretched photos and was teasing her relentlessly, and somehow they ended up on the topic of their childhood. JJ whispered the few memories he had of his mother for her ears only, and in exchange she let him in on what her own life had been like. The lonely days watching other kids play on the playground, wishing for a friend herself. Long nights spent crawled up under the covers unable to breathe before her father came in and went through breathing exercises with her. JJ didn't know what to do, and if it was any other time, he might've done nothing at all. But no matter what tore them apart, put them at odds, he wouldn't sit there and watch her suffer if he could do something about it.

"It's a setup, guys," Haven heard Kie say from the other end of the line.

"That old bat shanked us," JJ spat as he slammed his other fist into the mud.

There was silence for a moment. Haven could feel JJ moving around again, his head hovering over hers as he risked a glance at the Twinkie which the man was searching, but she couldn't bring herself to move too. Not even when the others started murmuring amongst themselves, John B taking it upon himself to bolt over to the man's 'police vehicle' did she look up. She feared what she would find if she did, the gun waiting for her. So instead, she listened until the man returned, no John B in sight.

"Alright, y'all stay just like that," he screamed. "Unless you want your brains blown out all over this road. Don't move your goddamn heads, okay?"

His car door slammed shut. Not even a second later, commotion erupted as John B revealed himself, the two males tumbling back outside and prompting JJ to release Haven to run over to them. Everyone else followed, though Kie hung back to help Haven up, wiping a stray tear from her face before guiding her over to where the others were beating the absolute shit out of their captor. They'd gotten the upper hand back, and he was going to pay the price for it.

"Have, come over here," JJ crowed. "Make this guy pay for scaring you, yeah?"

Arden stepped away from the man and grinned at her. Haven didn't hesitate to kick him where the sun didn't shine, the pressure on her chest fading the slightest bit as they stood over him. She was okay. They were all okay. There was nothing he could do to hurt her now.

Once she'd gotten out her anger, Pope leaned down to snatch the scarf away from his face. JJ immediately gasped. "I know this piece of shit. Barry. He's a basehead!"

"Probably knows my brother," Sarah sneered.

"He sells coke to my dad," he added.

"Hey, listen," the man who they now knew as Barry groaned. "Listen, I couldn't hurt any single one of y'all—"

JJ cut him off by furiously pounding the barrel of the gun into his stomach. Barry groaned and keeled over, allowing him to snatch his wallet from his pocket despite the others anxiously protesting. They'd gotten their revenge. It was time to go before anyone else showed up and assumed the worst.

"Come on, let's get outta here," John B insisted.

JJ said nothing in response, just rifling through Barry's wallet before he found a form of ID. He nodded to himself, tucking it into the pocket of his shorts before shoving John B aside and marching back to the van.

"We've got one last stop."

"Where's he going?" Haven sighed, though nobody knew what to say. JJ's anger was understandable but not entirely excusable. He was known for going too far sometimes, and after what Barry had just done to him, to his cousin, his pregnant girlfriend, he wasn't going to let it go so easily.

"Let's go see where this son of a bitch lives."

And so they left Barry on the side of the road, screaming pointlessly after them, no gold and no dignity. No matter what any of them said on the way there, JJ didn't change his mind. He wanted his last hurrah, something he could hold over Barry's head in future. Haven wasn't sure what he thought he'd find when the man was nothing but a Southside crackhead, but she sat in silence until they pulled up at their location.

"Welcome to Crackhead Wasteland," Sarah muttered as the group took in the trailer Barry called a house.

"I don't know about this, man," Pope told JJ uneasily. The blonde ignored him, pulling out his ID and nodding to himself once he saw it was the right place.

"Dude, why are we at Barry's?" John B asked from the passenger seat.

"This'll only take a second."

With that, he got out of the vehicle and headed over to the front door, his footsteps confident despite the fact he was literally about to break in.

"Someone follow him," Kie sighed as the rest of the pogues exchanged frustrated looks. "Before he gets us into even more trouble."

In the end, John B took one for the team. Neither Haven or Arden were in any state to move, Kie and Pope wouldn't get through to him and if they didn't then Sarah definitely wouldn't. This just left John B, JJ's voice of reason since they were kids. "Where are you going?" he called out as he followed the blonde boy outside.

"Yo soy justicia."

Well, that explained so much.

Their voices faded as JJ swung the door open, leaving Haven and the others to wait for them to return. Haven could only hope, naively, that it would all be over soon. The fall from cloud-nine had been hard and fast, the exhilaration from the night before nowhere in sight. They had found the gold, but the gold felt tainted now, ruined by greedy hands. She couldn't find any joy in something that was repeatedly threatening her life so openly, not just by people after John B but by randoms, no-hopers like Barry that heard they'd found something good and wanted it for themselves.

Would it always be like that?

JJ returned quicker than expected with a bag crammed with cash cradled in his arms. John B was not far behind him, eyes narrowed angrily on the back of JJ's head. Haven let out a sigh, reluctantly following Arden out of the van and over to where the others were standing.

"Alright," JJ exclaimed breezily. "So we're looking at five grand each for reparations for putting us through that bullshit. Sorry about that, y'all."

"So that's what we're doing now?" Kie cried. "We're robbing drug dealers?"

"This Barry guy's gonna find out, and he's gonna come after us," Sarah said.

JJ just shook his head, causing Pope to sigh in annoyance. "Yes, he will, okay? This is not the time to start wildin' out."

"How'd you like having a gun pulled on you?" he snapped, turning to look at Haven when none of them spoke. "Haven? I know you were freaking out. Was that a nice feeling?"

"JJ, come on, maybe—" But Arden was just cut off with a glare as he turned away from a pale-faced Haven to stand-off against John B instead. "He had it right here on you, bro."

"Look, we've gotta go get the gold, okay? Just give me that shit."

It took one tiny move for JJ to lash out. He shoved John B against the side of the van as he attempted to snatch away the stolen bag, his eyes narrowed against John B's taunts.

"You feel like a tough guy, huh? What are you gonna do when he comes for us?"

"We punch him in the throat."

"Yeah, good fucking idea, JJ," he scoffed. "Are you seriously willing to put Arden at risk? You're gonna be a dad, man, dads don't act like this—"

"Don't you tell me how to act around my own kid," JJ snarled, his face just inches from John B's. "You don't know shit about Logan."

Arden's face changed, her hand dropping down to clutch Haven's as all eyes flitted to her. Logan. The long-awaited name they had chosen for their daughter. What a way for it to be revealed, in an argument with their closest friends.

"I know you're thinking about no one but yourself right now."

The silence was suffocating. JJ slowly let the boy go, but he held onto the bag with stubborn intent. "I'm not putting it back." He climbed into the back of the van and sat down, though nobody else moved, not even Arden. All life had been drained out of her as she clung to Haven, part of her wanting to defend John B while the majority didn't want to upset her boyfriend. She'd only just gotten him back. Could she lose him again? Could her daughter?

"You guys getting in or what?" Nobody moved. "Okay, what?"

"We're sick of your shit."

"Oh, my shit?" he laughed as he stormed out to face them again.

"Yes," Kie piped up with a scowl. "Your pulling guns on people shit."

"You acting like a freaking maniac—"

"Okay, Pope, I took the fall for you," JJ screamed over him. "You know how much money I owe because of you?"

"I'm going to pay you back," he insisted. "And I didn't even ask you to do that."

"I just did pay it back. Right here, right now, by myself." His eyes met Haven's then. If it was possible, his scowl deepened even further. "You got something to say, cousin? Might as well tell me since everyone else apparently has a problem."

Haven sighed. She wanted to comfort him, defend him against them, but they weren't exactly wrong. He was being reckless, and while that was something she loved about him within reason, this was too much.

"JJ..."

"You know what?" he interrupted her with a hollow chuckle. It was hard for her to hear. "That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Go off by myself."

"Hey, wait a second," Arden exclaimed with wide eyes. The first words she'd said that entire time. Must've been a new record. "JJ, seriously..."

Her voice faded as she sprinted after him, ignoring Sarah and Kie as they called for her to come back. Haven found herself glaring at them, arms folded over her chest.

"Why are you looking at us like that?" Kie frowned when she noticed her. "Haven, we're not the ones who just robbed a drug dealer."

"I know that. And I'm not saying what he did was right. You and I both know that I'm not. But he's your friend. And no matter what, we don't abandon our friends."

"He chose to leave," John B snapped defensively. She rounded on him then.

"We've all made stupid decisions, John B. You should know that. Did we let you walk off every time you made one?"

"No, but I didn't rob a drug dealer."

"No, you just got us almost killed several times," she scoffed. She looked at every one of them then, waiting for them to say something. When no one did, she huffed again, arms falling to her sides in defeat. "Well, I tried."

"You're not leaving too, are you?" Pope frowned and started towards her.

"Leaving? No." His relief was short-lived. "Following my friend? My family? Yes."

Then, like Arden, she stormed after JJ, refusing to acknowledge the others as they called her back. It didn't take her long to find the two outliers. Arden stood in the middle of the road with tears streaming down her face. JJ was just up ahead, his shoulders tense as he kept on walking. Haven looked between them with a frown before stopping beside Arden, quickly hushing the girl as she sniffled and threw herself into her arms.

"Hey, I'm here," she murmured into her ear. "It's alright, Arden."

They stood that way until JJ eventually faded out of sight, taking their hearts along with him.