TWO WEEKS LATER

I scream loudly kicking anything and everything in my path. "NO!"

I feel around and start to get more panicked when I don't feel anyone there.

"Zeph, hey it's okay." An arm wraps around my waist, attempting to calm me.

I open my eyes slowly and try to relax my breathing. "I'm okay." I whisper.

Grayson looks at me concerned. "You don't seem okay; this is the third night in a row you haven't slept."

"This time I dreamt I killed Grant." I pull the blanket closer to my shaking body.

He rubs my arm. "He's alive, you didn't hurt him."

"Yes, I did." I mumble.

Grayson shakes his head. "You had no idea you were kissing me; you've got to stop blaming yourself."

His words go in one ear and out the other. "I just have this really bad feeling something happened to Grant."

"He's okay, he's just mad. He'll be back, he loves you."

I try to smile up at Grayson, but I'm sure it's not convincing at all. "Thank you for being so kind to me, it means a lot."

He smiles back. "What are friends for?"

I sit up and lean against the headboard. "I don't know how I'd get through this without you."

For two weeks and five days, I haven't heard from Grant. He packed his stuff while I was sleeping the night of our big fight, took Prince and left. I'm terrified to sleep now, and I hate waking up because I know he won't be there. I've been grieving as though he died. I'm not the same since he left. I knew Grant was mad, but I never would've thought he'd just leave. I grew attached to Prince as well, I didn't just lose Grant. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worse enemy. The only thing that has kept me even a little sane has been Grayson. He's been my rock these past weeks.

Grayson lays down next to me and pulls me closely against him. "You'd be just fine, you're really strong."

"He was so mad at me. I can't stop seeing his eyes staring at me, full of hate." I close my eyes.

Grayson lifts his head up to look at me. "He doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate either of us, he's not capable of that."

"How am I supposed to go to V's wedding in like 3 days and pretend I'm okay. I don't want to ruin her big day. Not to mention, how awkward it's going to be for Kyler if I'm a total disaster, he doesn't even know anyone else there."

He flips me over to face him. "Stop that, it's all going to work out."

I look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm spiraling again."

"Don't apologize, it's okay."

I run my hand across his face. "Please help me forget."

He looks at me for a moment then nods. He leans over and kisses me with everything in him and the pain disintegrates. I kiss him back, getting lost in this kiss. I run my hands through his hair, which makes him deepen the kiss even more. He makes me forget.

I'm not proud of it, but Grayson and I have been doing this for a little over a week now. It's the only thing that seems to calm me. We got drunk one night and ended up kissing and haven't really stopped. It feels so good in the moment, but I hate myself when I think about it too much. I keep replaying Grant's last words over and over in my head, "I don't care what you do anymore." The fact that he left after that lead me to believe he wouldn't be bothered by who I kiss now.

After I feel relaxed, I pull away. "Thank you."

Grayson laughs. "You say that every time."

I smile. "You have no idea how much it helps me."

I mean what I say to him. He has been so understanding with me. He never tries to push me any further than kissing, and he knows neither of us want a relationship from this. He has told me multiple times he feels as though he's using me, and I've said I feel like I'm using him too. There's no harm if we're both using each other, right? It feels like one of those things that is good for you at the time, but you know will eventually end.

He grins and shakes his head. "You only want me to kiss you because Grant isn't here, and I remind you of him."

I laugh, he always says this. "You only want to kiss me because you're afraid of actual commitment and you know I don't expect that from you."

He lays back down. "Maybe."

"I'm sorry I woke you up." I shift further under the covers.

"I really don't mind."

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that it will close the door to any future nightmares. "I should try to get some sleep, I'm supposed to meet with V tomorrow for coffee."

Grayson sits up and moves to the edge of the bed. "I think that's a good idea, I'd love to see you sleep more than 4 hours in row."

"Sometimes it feels like Prince never really left." Grayson teases.

I hit him playfully. "Did you just compare me to a baby?"

He laughs and puts his hands up in the air. "If I thought you were a baby, then what would that make me?"

"Go to bed Grayson."

"Goodnight Zeph."

"Goodnight Ray."

"I really thought that nickname would've died by now, it sounds like an old man name."

I smirk, "Get used to it."

He turns off the lights and quietly closes the door. I never let Grayson sleep in the same bed with me and I'm so appreciative he never pushes it. I'm just not ready to wake up with someone besides Grant next to me. I know it sounds stupid because I've been making out with Grayson but spending the night with someone just seems so much more intimate. The only problem with not letting Grayson stay is that as soon as he leaves, I feel terrible again. I shut my eyes and try to fall asleep, but my mind keeps racing. I can't stop worrying about Grant. I wonder what he's doing right now, if he is as miserable as I am or if he's moved on and happy. I don't know which one I prefer. I don't want him to be this broken, but at the same time if I found out he was happy with someone else I don't think I could take it.

I groan and bury my head under the fuzzy blankets surrounding me. I need to sleep! I tell myself as if it'll help.

I decide to do something I promised myself I wouldn't do. I text Grant. I need him to know what I'm about say. I don't care if it's desperate or if it annoys him that I'm texting him. I'm doing it for my piece of mind.

I grab my phone and text, I love you, with tears in my eyes.

After only a few minutes of light sleeping, I hear a sharp ding coming from my phone. My hand sleepily stumbles around the nightstand until it finds my cell. I pick it up and stare at the screen, trying to comprehend what I'm reading. When I process what it says, I'm wide awake and out the door.

Please come outside.